[Prisster]

I am new to this sight and I'd appreciate any advice in how to deal with my boyfriends depression. I have been dating a man (I'll call him Mike), 45 yrs old, for 4 months now. I am 46. We really hit it off from the start. We had so much in common and shared the same dreams so much so that we joked about us being separated at birth. We were inseparable and seen each other every day. We were falling in love.
Then, unfortunately, his 23 yr old son passed away on February 5th. He is still waiting for the toxicology results to determine if it was suicide or an accidental overdose. He had told me about his son being a problem child all of his life. He was always into trouble. It got to the point where he wasn't talking to him before this happened. I know he feels guilty about not trying to help his son more but, he did everything he knew how in helping him from what I hear from his friends. I was by his side during this difficult time and he told me that he appreciated it so much. My heart was breaking for him. I told him that I am here for him and that I'm not going anywhere.

After his son's funeral though, he said he needed to reflect on his life and see where he wants his life to go and wanted to be a good role model for his other 2 kids. He understandably became depressed. He didn't see me for 4 days but text me every day several times to tell me he cared about me and that he enjoyed spending time with me, etc. He said he wanted to slow things down in our relationship and I said that was OK with me, that I just wanted to be there for him and help him through this. I didn't really know what he meant by slowing things down though.

When he started seeing me again, he was a little distant and less affectionate but I knew that he was still depressed and I didn't take it to heart. After a couple of weeks, I thought he was getting better. I was hoping that I'd be getting the man I fell in love with back soon. I miss how he used to hold my hand no matter where we were, how he looked at me with that sparkle in his eyes, how he would give me that unexpected hug, etc. So, since I thought he had pulled out of his depression, I asked him last week if he was still interested in me and wondered why he was less affectionate. I was feeling hurt and shouldn't have put it so bluntly but that's how it came out (but not in an angry way). He said that his life was full of stress right now and that he couldn't deal with this right now. I told him that I didn't want to cause him any more stress than he already has and that I was just wondering where his heart was when it came to me. I kick myself for even bringing it up now. I just thought that he was doing better and wondered where I stood in his life since our relationship is fairly new. He just didn't want to open up and talk.

We still see each other but not every day. I've been giving him his space by letting him contact me when he wants to see me and he has. So, that leads me to believe that he still cares about me. On the days we don't see each other, he still sends me texts. So, another sign he still cares. I figure that if he really didn't want to "deal with me", he'd break it off. I'm trying to be there for him because he is a great man, a great father to his kids, and a good-hearted person. I know that he doesn't have much self-esteem about himself either. Every time I complilment him by telling him how cute he is, he says he's glad that I think so but I might need my eyes checked. LOL. Anyway, from the moment I met him, it was an instant connection. We were so happy and I could tell that he loved me as much as I did him. So, leaving him is NOT something I want to do.

Now, I'm wondering what I should and shouldn't do for him. After reading some of the websites about dealing with a depressed boyfriend, I am still confused. I know that I need to give him his space and deal with this in his own way but is there anything else I can do? I don't want to push him away any further than he already is. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing to lose him. He has a lot going on in his life too that has him stressed (son's car always breaking down, his job, etc). I just don't want to say or do the wrong thing. So, any advice in how to handle his delicate emotional state would be much appreciated.

[ken007nielsen]

I cannot imagine losing a child, and I hope to god I'll never experience what that feels like.
But losing one's child must be one of the worst thing that could happen to a person, if not the most horrible thing.

All you can really do at this point is give him his space and let him know that you are here for him if he needs you.

If you feel like it and with his permission you can proberly help him with some regular everyday stuff - like cleaning his house or get some grocery's since I know for myself that a clean house is something of a stress reliever.

Or if he needs a shoulder to cry on - I'm sure you've already let him know what I have suggested, but I cannot see there's much you can do about improving his current state of mind. It's a process that takes time and will never completely fade away.

[talaniman]

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ken007nielsen again.

I think Ken is dead on, there is not much you can do but be there to support him as he works through this very devastating time in his life, and that may take months, maybe a few years to get through.

I think the thing for you is to remain anchored, and balanced in your own life, so his depression does not become yours, or your confusion, makes your feelings of being helpless so overwhelming you can't help him. He may need to see his doctor for some help, but time will tell when he is ready to help himself, which is the main thing here. He has to want to help himself to get through this.

For you though, keep your life on a level where though you care, your life is happy without him, as the last thing you need is TWO depressed people who cannot help each other.

[Lifeisbest]

All I can say be there for him... whatever he seem distant or stressed out believe me something niside him broke espcially you said he feel guilty about his son and the reason of his death... it will take him very long till he is back to normal and sometimes he will not be the same... I lost my sister when she was 23 years and believe me my parents is not the same anymore.. it take them years to recover and even after recovring their personality also changed... when you stood by him at this stage believe me you will build this relation to be stronger more and more because is the most time that he needed beside him... respect that he need to pass through this stage so he can go on with his life in future.. and don't be sensitive about it...

[chuff]

If this just happened in February, this man is still grieving and quite honestly probably still in some kind of shock. It's only been at most 8 weeks ago.

You need to keep some distance, not be cold to him, but give him time to grieve. He's probably not even accepted it fully yet. You have to let him get to that acceptance stage before you can think about going forward. Until then you must make yourself strong and focus on what you have in your life that is not including his situation.