[acolaclass]

Entire story merged

I (33) recently was 'let go' by a woman I had been seeing (44) for a year and a half. Where on the one hand the relationship showed many of the classic signs of rebound, on the other hand, she said and did things that communicated to me that she didn't want it to end and the mixed signals really did a number on me.

I'd hate to start the story painting this in a bad light but... The day I met her was the day she became separated from her husband of 21 years and before meeting him the only 'dating' she ever did was a young man while she was in high school for two months. We started dating 15 days after her separation and things got serious fast! But after like two months into it, she says to me "You do realize that one day my (her) daughter is going to learn about us dating and when that happens, if my (her) daughter is unhappy with it, I (she) will have to break up with you (me)." Then in the very same conversation, she says to me "I have have a hypothetical for you. Lets say I am hanging out with an old highschool friend whom I have not seen in 25 years. Its nothing romantic. I am not looking for anything, but out of the blue he kisses me and I like it. How would that make you feel?". Only like 4 months into our relationship, we took a 'break' for a few days during which she says to me, "I will consider coming back to you if we can date casually, meaning no more 'I love yous' no more sex..oh ...and we can see other people." I told her that was unacceptable since we had become serious and that if I was to take her back we'd have to go back to being exclusive and if after a while it still didn't work she needed to let me go and then she could date 30 men 'casually' for all I cared. She took me up on the offer and came back only to find out months later that while we were apart she used the time to contemplate whether or not her love for me was 'platonic' or not. This of course left me hurt (cuz I loved her) and confused (because we had a LOT of sex).

Anyway, you get the picture that she was showing lots of signs of trying to 'distance' herself from me and the relationship... BUT with that in mind, at the SAME time she would always be telling me how much she loved me, how much she needed me and she, on several occasions very tearfully told me that she was AFRAID that I would not 'stick it out with her' (to use her words) and that I would give up on her. This only served to strengthen my resolve to be strong in the face of all the 'red flags'. Then right before she 'let me go' she said basically she wanted to take a break for several 'months' this time which would give her time to finalize her divorce, and give her a chance to get her daughter used to the idea of mommy dating again but then she said she would come back to me when this was taken care of. The problem is, she followed that unfortunate but encouraging promise with... "...but I dont know when my divorce will be final..and I dont know if my daughter will ever be comfortable with the idea of me dating YOU." So I felt like I was in limbo not knowing if she'd ever 'really' be back to me or not. Some signs say yes and some say no. So ultimately, I told her that it was not fair for me to wait for her if all I was going to do was 'wait for goodbye' but if she could promise she would be back when she got her s--T together, then she would be worth waiting for. This is the point where she wrote me back and said because she still needed to 'find herself' she could not promise me for sure that she would be back so she let me go 'officially'. So I guess my thing is, I feel very guilty in that if only I had been a little more patient with what she is going through with the divorce etc, and I had not pushed her to make a decision if she was coming back or not, she might not have ultimately said that no she was not going to come back. Below is her actual email to me saying good bye (for detail). Your thoughts?

"ok..this could be a long drawn out letter of me asking you to see things my way and 'down the road'....but i can't do that because i havent started what i have to find out about myself..you want an answer ..i understand that i really do...its not fair to you and as much as it hurts me to let you go, i guess i have to..for your sake and for me to do what i must. this has nothing to do with you as far as how you loved me in the beginning before all the consistant talks. This is about me and how i have to find out who i am..read the article you sent me about that..all your friends who are divorced may have jumped back into relationships as we did but i just feel like i am choosing another relationship over what I need to do to take back my life...and help my daughter feel good and also my son. You are asking for an answer right now and i know thats the right thing to do so you can move on. But dont think i didn't or do not love you because i am asking you to move on...i am a person who believes that love can't be enough at certain times and i just think our relationship was at the wrong time..to say 'maybe in the future' will have you waiting and i can't have you do that...so if i feel like i have to give you an answer that will help all of us move on, i have to say we break up..and that does hurt me..dont ever think that this was easy...yes i may regret it...like the song..why do you think i avoid the email responses..but its necessary to move on for your recovery and i can't keep reading your emails..they make me sad..i need answers too baby...you will always be a great love to me..i do need to have you move on..you are not only love but was a friend to me too...PMB

PS: i am really sorry for all the pain i have caused you over the last year..i hope you know that it was not intentional and that i meant it when i said i love you...rebound or no rebound..i never meant to hurt you or string you along... "

[joypulv]

Think of the almost infinite number of variables when you ask about any relationship, 'could this have been prevented.' Yes, but so what? It's impossible to predict, or at least those who try are mostly throwing darts. 99% of us go through some variation of this and most of us fail at least once. If we acted based on predictions, we'd all live alone.

I'm not so sure I would call this rebound in the classic sense of jumping from the frying pan to the fire. I see someone who was married a long time and wasn't quite sure about herself and what she wanted, regardless of when she started anew. And there is that key phrase 'love can't be enough at certain times' which means her children, her age, her future plans, more than her feelings for you. Not your fault, not her fault, it just happened.

[talaniman]

Geez guy, I have to be very blunt in asking what do you expect from a person that has ended a 21 year marriage, and has so many unresolved issues to confront? That's not even counting the rather traumatic event of finalizing the divorce, and dealing with her daughter.

No telling how long her healing from this life changing event will take. Leave her to it, and you really should have been paying attention to all the red flags, and keep an emotional distance, a big emotional distance between the two of you. She was no where near ready for what you wanted, nor should you have expected her to be. So now just leave her alone, and go back to doing your thing, while she learns about what her thing is.

Have no regrets or guilt, you just pushed to hard, and to fast to get what YOU wanted from someone that didn't have it to give. You made a mistake, but next time you will thnk more, and pay better attention to the OBVIOUS red flags. Rebound is an understatement, and maybe make some better choices for yourself in the future. Now give yourself some time to get over this.

[acolaclass]

... thanks for your input. But to add some more detail in reference to her saying 'love can't be enough at certain times'. I get that in the sense that sometimes there is just too much going on etc. But just a month ago she said to me and I quote "When I was first separated, I thought I'd never find love again because of my age and the fact that I have children. Then you came along! I feel like you are my second chance at love and I am afraid you are not going to want to stick it out with me." With that in mind, and also keeping in mind what she said about relationships and timing etc, wouldn't you agree that if she 'loved me so much' that there would be 'no question' as to her coming back to me after she 'found herself'?. because I am of the opinion that if you REALLY love someone and you need to 'find yourself', the 'new you' will still love that person as much as the 'old you' if you really loved them in the first place. Right? Or no?

[joypulv]

I'm going to be blunt too.
You can dredge up just about anything she said a month ago, whenever. None of us is such a straight arrow that we stay consistent in what we say, it's what happens at the end that matters. She broke up with you, despite mixed feelings.

I was dumped by someone who thought he would never find love, who was the most loving, steadfast guy in the world, and who everyone told me to be nice to because he was so vulnerable and sweet and totally dedicated to me. He found a younger woman, after many long years of me. Should I quote all the things he said to me? They matter not one whit when all is said and done. And he said he'd 'always love me.' Big deal. It's meant to be kind and soften the blow.

[acolaclass]

Comment on talaniman's post

Thank you for your input as well... having never been through what she's been through, i.e. being a parent or going through a divorce, I found it hard to relate. That being said, all I could say I expected ( not quite the word I would use... I'd say 'hoped for') would be... I don't know... I guess I was just confused because she would beg me to stay with her too sometimes... so it was constant mixed signals... my friends would always say she wanted to 'have her cake and eat it too'... meaning, keep the emotional and physical nourishment I give her and ALSO spread her wings and keep her options open... uh-uh. Yes I have learned from my mistake but I guess that's one of the reasons I posted... to try to learn more.

Comment on joypulv's post

Well said... coincidentally, even before our mutual friend introduced us, he told her to 'be careful with me' because I had been hurt a lot. She told me about his warning to her. Its cool... like I said to the other person who posted to this also... I have learned my lesson it just still REALLY hurts so I am trying to learn everything I can so as not to repeat the mistake.

[talaniman]

Its amazing how feelings, words, and actions by us humans can change very fast, without warning, and some time they don't match up! Confusing, and better taken cautious and slow, while paying attention, and not just listening to the wants, and needs of your own feelings. Learned that the hard way just like you, by experiencing it... a few times.

Okay I am a slow learner.

[vanheart]

Honestly, actions speak louder.

Doesn't really matter the circumstance, her baggage, how you met. etc..
Other then to learn. And be aware, in control of future situations. Or avoid ones and use your gut. See the red flags.

Its really about what's happening now. And that's you moving on.

She doesn't want what you want. Sorry man.

I would go NC. No reason forcing someone. Why would you want to anyway?

She's said her peace. Now you say yours by disappearing.

[acolaclass]

Thank you for your feed back! I agree actions do speak louder than words, but the problem was, at least up until the point where SHE initiated this 'time apart' and then official break up. The problem was our whole relationship for every 'distancing' thing she did, she also did something that one would not do unless she did not want what I want. I could list them if you like, but i.e. if she didn't have serious feelings about me, she would not have seen me behind her daughters back in the first place where she would be lying to her daughter like she has. She just would have squashed things then and there, right? Or no? This is why I did not walk away sooner because there were just as many 'flags' that she 'did' really want to be with me. She did go out of her way for me a lot so its all very confusing for me that she left now. Its NOT like I was pressuring her to marry me. ALL I was asking was for her to decide that she even wanted to keep the relationship.

[vanheart]

Not sure what your question really is, but my advice is to stop living in the past.

You can question this until the cows come home, but it isn't going to change things.

Its normal to look back & try to dissect things, but it will only make you crazy if you dwell.

Out of all honesty, this was a major, major rebound for her. She never gave herself time after such a long relationship to be ready for another one.

It may have felt differently at the time, but the reality is that she wasn't emotionally ready for you or anyone else. Even now.

It may seem romantic to think that you can swoop in, be that right person, fix things, etc...

But the proof is in the pudding here.

Instead of making yourself miserable by running the tapes through your head, use this experience as a basis to become more aware of who's right for you & why.

To use your gut next time.

[acolaclass]

"...she wasnt emotionally ready for you or anyone else. Even now." I hope you're right about that, because come to find out, she's already with someone else.. its only been like 3 weeks. OUCH! :-(

[vanheart]

See? Be glad its not you.

NC, buddy.

[acolaclass]

About the NC, taken care of... there is NC... but to see her with someone else, to me anyway, says she was ready and that it was 'just me'... but I'm glad you see it differently. I would LOVE to see it the way you do. To me and this is my inexperience talking, Im sure, but to me, the message I see in that is... "I was ready, just not with YOU, Andrew"... I really appreciate your feed back!

In other words I wish it was (still) me... can you tell this is still 'fresh'? Haha

[vanheart]

Like I mentioned before, the reasons never matter.

Just what you do from now on.

Look at it this way. After a 21yr relationship, she got with you immediately. And after a year plus with you, it took 3 weeks to get with someone else.

Maybe after another dozen tries, she'll figure it out. Or not. Who cares?

Not for you worry about. Don't do what she's doing.

Ive been at both ends of rebounds.

Never a good place to start.

The less you know about her now, the better. Don't be a gossip magnet, or be available for it.
Tell your friends/sources that you are NC.

[acolaclass]

Vanheart,
Thank you so much for your input! You have been very helpful. Luckily I am not vulnerable for gossip because we had no mutual friends since she kept me her 'little secret' the whole time because, according to her, she didn't want her soon to be ex to know. No there will be no reconsiliation, she just didn't want to complicate custody by him knowing... (but my guess is I was her secret so she could keep her options open. Oh well its whatever). As for now I knew about the new guy... it was not heresay :) Saw it with my own eyes.. but like you said. It does not matter... and I am trying to 'internalize' that fact now. Thanks SO much again! :-) You've been a big help!

[vanheart]

My pleasure.

I know how getting dumped drives that stake through your heart. The worst.

The good thing is now, you can step back & see her for her actions.

I'll bet, when to you take a real hard look & when time goes by, you will realize how wrong she was for you.
And you can't stand the thought of her.

This experience will make you more aware & allow you to know what to look out for.
Or, better yet, look for.

Not to jump into things... To be discretionary.

[acolaclass]

Oh I SO hope you are right about that!. that one day I will realize how wrong she was for me... one day.. But right now that concept seems very far removed. The last couple of days I've been trying to use my brain to combat the guilt that I've been feeling about "If only I had (or had not...) then she'd still be here"... like it was all (well... mostly) my fault because I was not patient enough with what she was going through... ***deep breath***... and yes I may be 33 but she was my first girlfriend... (if you don't count the 1 night stand years ago, I don't lol). I am confined to a wheelchair so it's a little bit harder for me than most to get someone special so I've taken it harder than most... but I hope to see your predictions come true about how I will grow to dislike her basically

[vanheart]

There's no "if only I would have" here. Or "if I was more patient"

The only fault here is getting with the wrong person. We all have done that, more than once.

Not everyone is meant to be together. As she's proving.

You may be willing and able, but honestly, she's the one that's constrained.

You will know immediately when the right one comes along. Use your patience there.

Don't beat yourself up. Believe me, if it wasn't now, it would have been later.
She doesn't know what she wants.

Its not because of you. No reason to feel any guilt.

One of the worst emotions along with jealousy. They don't serve any good purpose, other than to make us stronger when they rear their ugly heads.

[acolaclass]

Thank you! :-) I see myself reading (and re-reading and re-reading) what you wrote, when things get difficult and they do.. on a daily basis, but thanks again for putting perspective on it, on paper so I can refer to it as needed :-)

[vanheart]

Cool, I did the same. Still do sometimes.

Because of the amazing, committed advice at amhd, Im still here.

Changed me forever.