[prt]

Hi!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 21 months and we keep a long distance relationship(130 miles). We have been basically living together right from the first week we met, that is, he would stay at my place two full weeks a month. Only last April we started to talk about moving to the same city so as to avoid all the traveling and weeks after he started crying desperately saying he didn't know whether he was in love with me but he knew he loved me. We split up for three weeks and then got back together and have been happy until two weeks ago, when the same problem arose again... WE must make a move in our relationship and he keeps saying he loves me but he is not sure why he can't take the step to move in with me- he doesn't know whether it is a commitment problem or that he lacks a feeling for me, so I am quite desperate. Please, help me...
Xxx

[talaniman]

I think he is scared at the prospect of moving to a strange place and basically starting all over with the job thing and having to depend on you to take care of him while he is building a life. Fear of the unknown. He may not be ready for such a giant life changing event.

[JoeCanada76]

I would say Tal is right. It is more about the move. At the same, if a move is not made it is easy to be lost in feelings of doubt. Especially with distance. It is hard not to go up and down with feelings when there is distance. I think the move, if it happens would put all those doubts and fears away.

Joe

[Fr_Chuck]

It is hard, when I meet Toni, I was several hundred miles from her.

To move and be with her, I had to sell my house, quit my job and move.
When I drove into town, I knew no one but her, had not job.

But I had no doubt to do it, ( of course she was a college teacher and could support me)

But this is the real trouble with long distance relationships, the party being able to make that move, too many waste a lot of time to find out they just can't do it.

[prt]

I would say Tal is right. It is more about the move. At the same, if a move is not made it is easy to be lost in feelings of doubt. Especially with distance. It is hard not to go up and down with feelings when there is distance. I think the move, if it happens would put all those doubts and fears away.

Joe

Thank you guys for giving me advice-it is most helpful! The thing is it would be me who would be moving to his city and the job problem is sorted out both in his case and in mine as we both work for the government(in different places and different kinds of jobs, but there is no problem in us moving from one place to another workwise, I mean). The thing is that at one point of our conversation I said he might not be in love with me although he loves me and he said he wasn't sure and asked me whether I was in love with him, to which I nodded; but he kept crying and saying he wanted to make it work but didn't know how. So we decided to wait and see whether he decides whether he lacks feelings for me and in the meantime we should act normal. THe thing is I feel I am being examined all the time, as I keep trying to work out what it is that he is not completetly sure about and I know there is something in me, so it makes me quite unconfident. So, on the one hand I love him to bits but on the other hand I don't know whether this is doing us good or we should split up and let it go...

[ordinaryguy]

THe thing is i feel I am being examined all the time, as I keep trying to work out what it is that he is not completetly sure about and I know there is something in me, so it makes me quite unconfident.

It's not necessarily something wrong with you that makes him unsure about his love for you, it's just as likely to be some baggage of his from childhood or previous relationships or whatever. The point is not WHY he feels unsure, but THAT he feels that way. As far as I'm concerned, ambivalence is worse than antipathy because it keeps you guessing and off balance and uncertain where you stand with the person. That whole "love, but not IN love" thing is a huge red flag.

Pulling up stakes and relocating for a relationship that is that uncertain sounds like a very bad idea to me. I've seen very few times when ambivalence turned to heartfelt devotion. More often, it engenders dependency, guilt, and heartache. The fact that he's all stressed out and crying about it tells me he's the guilty type, and your willingness to assume that there's something wrong with you tells me you're the dependent type. If that's true, this is a match made in hell.

My advice is tell him you can't build a real relationship on such a shaky foundation, cut off all contact and get to work on building your own self-confidence so you will be ready for a truly mature, equal relationship. If by some miracle he suddenly realizes that you're his dreamgirl and he can't live without you, I'm sure he'll let you know. If not, you've avoided a huge waste of time and emotion and money.

[Bluerose]

Long distance relationships don't work. The time lost can never be got back. Someone has to make a decision, move to where the other person is or end it. Time is no one's friend, and it's later than you think.

[momincali]

I think Ordinaryguy had an extraordinary point, it doesn't make sense for YOU to be the one to relocate. That would, in my opinion put you in a very vulnerable spot. Since he's the one with the doubts and love you but not in love with you feelings, he's the one with the least amount to lose.

Let me ask you this, where does the desire come from to make all these sacrifices and changes for someone who is not completely convinced he is in love with you 110% and wants to be committed to you and only you?

Imagine yourself leaving your familiar surroundings, your job, family, school, only to hear this guy say that he doesn't want to continue in the relationship, then what?

Long distance in a relationship can make it both difficult and easy. For the one who wants to be closer and is investing more effort and emotion it is difficult, and distance makes it easier for the one who is less interested in a close relationship.

[prt]

Thank you guys, once more, for your wise advice and sincere answers-they are very much appreciated! The fact is, and sorry to keep talking about this, that we have spent two days talking quietly about our situation and he has said a thousand times how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to lose me and bla blabla and kept crying like crazy. He has asked me to give him a bit of time to settle down in his own life and asked me to be patience, but I don't want to be the one waiting for him to decide-that would be taking me for granted, but at the same time I don't want to lose him either and wouldn't want to let him if I were to be proud and not listen to him. He said we have reached a point at which we must make a decission-as regards to moving and stuff-and we must stop and think about what we want. He says he is sure he loves me but that there is something which tells him that there is something wrong, so he must sorted out and asked me to wait on him. I said I don't understand why I must go through this even if it is for our benefit, that I can't see the point in going through a bad time to feel fine later(it sounds crazy to me). So I decided to give him time and give myself a little time too. I know, at the bottom of my heart, that he does love me but I also know that there is something wrong. I don't know what to do.x

[JoeCanada76]

I think that is a good idea. Giving him some time and yourself some time. Honestly though I am a firm believer of one point. Things that seem rough or really hard right now. I do believe that it is for the better of the future. I went through some really really hard times. Thought they were not worth it, thought it did not make sense. Looking back on everything. I am happy and grateful to have experienced that hardship because it made me stronger today. Yes, it is a lot better situation all around by the decisions that I have made. We all have to make our own. Including you.

Joe

[talaniman]

I don't know what to do.x

Sometime when we don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing. Sometimes we have to wait for the answer to come to us. Focus on what is in front of you now, and the rest will be revealed. What's the hurry??

[prt]

Thank you, guys! I guess I must wait and see what tomorrow brings... The truth is that it has been only today that we had our last conversation /saw each other and, up to now, I haven't shed a tear( I guess I shed so many today I have none left) and don't feel anxious, so I hope I can go on like this and be calm. I need some rest from this mess.
Thank you. You are all most helpful. Xx

He called me yesterday night to say that the minute he walked out the door he realised he was losing me and felt a pain in his heart. THen he said that sometimes we need to lose something to realise how foolish we have been in losing it. I said I didn't want to be waiting on him, that I had to move on, to which he said that he just needed to settle down as the last year has been so stressful(traveling from and to my place and then traveling because of work and therefore almost unavailable for friends), to which I agreed but I told him not to blame me on it as I never put any pressure to do anything he didn't want to do. He doesn't want to lose me and says he trusts in us and that there is something beautiful between us that we shouldn't lose. Then I said I needed time and he said he needed to hear I would be there so that he can have a little time to be quiet and think sensibly. So I said he had his time and that I would take mine. I know I love him and I know, although it hurts me to admit it, that the best way for him to get back to me in a sensible sense would be to stop contact with him. I don't want to leave him so, as he keeps saying he is sure he'll be okay in a while. He wanted me to say that I wouldn't close him the door if he wants to talk, I said I wouldn't close the door to talking, but that's all. I know I love him and he loves me but I don't know whether it is normal to doubt in such a way or to behave so.

[JoeCanada76]

Excellent,

Your telling him how you feel, telling him not to blame you for his stress. There is communication between the two of you. Now you need your time and your break. Which you have every right. Your setting the bounderies, and bounderies are very important. Talking is important. In my experience, as long as there is distance there will be doubt. Always. Once the distance situation is taking care of then the doubt will go away, if it is meant to be.

Joe

[prt]

THank you so much for helping me and listening to me at this difficult time I am going through.

[momincali]

prt, feelings of anguish and stress can be so tough to deal with. We are so desperately looking for answers, and sometimes the answers are right in front of our face, we just choose to ignore them because we want a different answer. You are taking time to yourself and so is he, that's good. You expressed your thoughts and concerns and stood up for yourself, that's great. You've realized that love is sometimes not enough when you have a constant doubt in the back of your mind, it's that little inner voice that is trying to tell us something, you acknowledged that and that's excellent.

You're going to be just fine, you're a smart, tough girl with lots of new friends here to turn to when it gets hard.

[Wildcat21]

I would defintely give him some time to think things through. Space. He needs to miss you and see if he really loves you.

I personally would pull back for a while. Let him make the decision. Be busy with other things.

He needs to decide tp make a firm commitment or not.

Obviously you're at a crossroads - you don't need to go through this ups and downs all the time.

[rol]

Yes definitely pull back and be busy.

The crying and emotional stuff does not sound so good and I'm hoping he is not a real commitmentphobe, in that he cannot make a decision to leave or to be with you

[prt]

He texted me today saying he won't lose me and he wanted me to know that he will fight for me. Then he called in a completely different mood from yesterday's-he says that he knows I won't believe him, but that after talking to me yesterday he has started to see eevrything in a positive way and has started to do things( he was starting to feel a bit depresive lately, like not wanting to go out or get out of bed, etc.)so he has started going to the gym today and is having a session with a psychologist tomorrow. I can't believe he changed over night and now knows he adores me. I don't know. It's all confusing. He doesn't seem to be very balanced...

[Wildcat21]

Ughhhhhhhhhh - ughhhhhhh - do you really want this roller coaster?

Seriously - is he bi-polar?

[prt]

I don't want this roller coaster but I do love him... I don't know I feel weird.