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Separator · Mar 7, 2011, 09:22 AM

Ok, the story of me and my ex is a long one and it would take forever to describe in detail so I'll give the best summary I can. We were together 5 years, engaged to be married, and living together. Things started going downhill after the engagement and we were fighting often and there was a lot of problems. We had broken up and got back together like twice before so I thought this time it would be no different. I was wrong however, a little over a year ago, in January 2010, she left for good, moved pretty far away from me too. I was devastated and tried to get her back somehow but it didn't work. So I slipped into No Contact, hoping she would eventually contact me. Besides a few drunken messages and emails back and forth in the first few months after she left, I was in complete NC. It had been months since I last spoke to her and a few months ago she sent an email to see how I was doing. I responded, but afterwards I still felt sad about the relationship.

I have healed a great deal and I am pretty happy for the most. However, my heart still needs to heal a bit. And is it crazy that its been over a year and I'm still hurting? I don't care. If anything, it's a testament to how much I loved her. And I still do, but I've accepted the fact that its over and I'm trying to move on with my life and become 100% healed. I haven't been able to open my heart up to anyone else and I'm not quite ready yet. So I did everything I could, blocked the ex on Facebook, deleted her number from my phone, and I never initiated contact, I only responded to a few emails she sents months ago. Even though I thought about her often, I couldn't put myself through any more pain that would probably come if I spoke to her. NC was doing the best job it could be doing for me.

So a few days ago, Friday to be exact, I open up my email and see her name sitting right there in the inbox. It had been almost 5 months since she last contacted me. I opened up her email and this is what it said:

"Hi,

I was just thinking and wanted to tell you that I am so lucky to have ever shared such an innocent and sweet love with you. I will always love you and care for you and the longer and farther I am away from our past I can see that you are truly a very caring and genuine person and that is so rare. I hope you are doing well and think of you often and want the best for you. If you ever want to just shoot me and email and let me know how your are doing I would love to hear about it."

Yes I realize these are kind words. But what gives? Why is she sending me crap like this. I don't want to hear it. Me reading this helps nothing when it comes to my healing. I still love this woman and would do anything to have her back. But I know that she does not feel the same way anymore and you can't make someone love you, so I leave her alone and focus on making myself better. She's the one who keeps reaching out to me. I really don't want to be reached out to unless it is for reconciliation. I would think by me never contacting her she would get the message that I'm not ready to speak to her, but she doesn't, and she always wants to see how I'm doing. Am I a bad person If I just ignore this email and go about my day? I don't want to seem like an uncaring prick, because I truly love her and want the best for her, but I am in no capacity to share any kind of friendship with her at this point, and I might never be at that point.

So a couple questions: What is the meaning of her email? Is she just trying to be nice to stroke her ego? Does she feel guilt over the breakup and is trying to make herself feel better? Has she realized that I was rare and a great great guy and now she realizes she may have made a mistake? And should I respond? I wish she knew how much I loved her. But if she does not want to be with me, which I've already accepted, then I have to move on and I can't involve myself with anything that can potentially set me back, such as corresponding with her right now.

Thanks all for your help, and sorry this was so long.

Wondergirl · Mar 7, 2011, 09:29 AM

Women don't like people to "feel bad" about anything. Women are taught from toddlerhood on to be kind, to say nice things, to put the best construction on everything. Women are generally networkers, connectors, conduits for love and peace. Men are the hunters-killers and problem-solvers; women are the genteel ones who keep the home fires burning. Men conquer; women civilize.

She does not want to be with you. Move on.

What she wrote really has nothing to do with you -- she was just being female.

Separator · Mar 7, 2011, 09:32 AM

Oh so you're saying she really doesn't care about me she was doing this just to please herself? Sounds selfish, which makes sense because she certainly did have selfish tendencies.

Also, calling our love "sweet and innocent" kind of ticks me off. To me, it was real, and strong. Is she saying she views our love as some kind of sweet, innocent puppy love? That kind of hurts me.

southamerica · Mar 7, 2011, 09:33 AM

She wants you to know she still cares about you and is there if you ever want to talk, and it doesn't necessarily mean she has any hidden agenda. In my experience, it's quite normal to check in on your ex and see what's good in their life. She may not know that you still haven't healed enough to hear those types of things.

If you don't like these emails and if it stunts your healing then by all means you should reply to her email and say so. It can be very short and not nasty, something along the lines of "Thank you for your email. I would like to request that you don't attempt to contact me again. I hope you are doing well."

If she emails you again, just delete it. She said what she needed to say and so did you... now move on. I hope you find healing in the near future.

Wondergirl · Mar 7, 2011, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by Separator

Also, calling our love "sweet and innocent" kind of ticks me off. To me, it was real, and strong. Is she saying she views our love as some kind of sweet, innocent puppy love? That kind of hurts me.

Who said that? I have no doubt your love was real. Is she being selfish? I would chalk it up to being female and not wanting to totally let go of something that had been Very Good.

I went through a similar relationship for six years, we broke up and married others, and I would hear from him every ten years or so to remind me I had been the love of his life (and he of mine). He's getting married for the second time soon and wishes it were me.

Separator · Mar 7, 2011, 10:50 AM

Oh no one said it, I just thought the "sweet and innocent" thing was weird but maybe I'm just overanalyzing this whole thing.

Wondergirl · Mar 7, 2011, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by Separator

Oh no one said it, I just thought the "sweet and innocent" thing was weird but maybe I'm just overanalyzing this whole thing.

Who said "sweet and innocent"?

Separator · Mar 7, 2011, 11:25 AM

My ex... didn't you read what she said?

southamerica · Mar 7, 2011, 11:34 AM

Originally Posted by Separator

Oh no one said it, I just thought the "sweet and innocent" thing was weird but maybe I'm just overanalyzing this whole thing.

You're overanalyzing it and you shouldn't. The relationship has ended and she has moved on. She wants to know that you're doing the same. Like I said before it's common for exes to check in, in hopes everything is okay.

Just cut it off completely and continue healing. By over-analyzing and worrying yourself over all the details, you're giving a dead relationship more of your precious time and energy that it doesn't deserve. It doesn't matter what you said or what she said over a year ago and during the past year-the point is you have one job and one job only: to heal and move on into a happy life.

Wondergirl · Mar 7, 2011, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by Separator

My ex....didn't you read what she said?

I'm sorry -- I thought you were referring to something I had said. I think her reference to "sweet and innocent" had to do with first love, young love, not manipulative.

Also, it's a typical "female" term, like for puppies and kittens and baby chicks.

Separator · Mar 7, 2011, 11:48 AM

Funny thing is though, while at first it was young and first love, it had its share of not so innocent and manipulative moments, which is what contributed to the eventual breakup, so I guess she is just focusing on the good part of the love we shared.

Wondergirl · Mar 7, 2011, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by Separator

Funny thing is though, while at first it was young and first love, it had its share of not so innocent and manipulative moments, which is what contributed to the eventual breakup, so I guess she is just focusing on the good part of the love we shared.

That's what we females do, especially if we were the manipulators.

southamerica · Mar 7, 2011, 11:52 AM

Originally Posted by Separator

Funny thing is though, while at first it was young and first love, it had its share of not so innocent and manipulative moments, which is what contributed to the eventual breakup, so I guess she is just focusing on the good part of the love we shared.

You should do the same! Just release the negativity and only allow it to add wisdom to your future, nothing else. The positive moments are things we can carry and only give us more reasons to smile.

talaniman · Mar 7, 2011, 02:39 PM

She was just poking you in the eye, pushing your buttons, jerking your chain. You give her that power and she knew it would throw you for a loop. Yeah exes are like that sometimes.

Delete it, take a good crap, and dwell no more. Doesn't matter why she did it, all that matters is what you do about it.

vanheart · Mar 7, 2011, 04:58 PM

That's why NC total NC is so critical.

So you don't have to deal with this crap.

She feels guilty. Typical, lame and serves you no purpose, other than to get you riled up.

Never respond. Block your email & rid yourself of this anxiety.

If she REALLY cared, she would be w/you. Right?

Screw that.

Separator · Mar 8, 2011, 06:47 AM

Not going to respond. Going to lift my head up and keep moving forward. I could spend countless hours thinking about this email and analyzing it and wondering what I could say to her in response, but I figure, why waste my time when I could be using that time doing something fun, hanging out with my friends, listening to music, and just enjoying the simple pleasures in life. I will not let this email have any power over me whatsoever.

amicon · Mar 8, 2011, 07:09 AM

That's the ticket!
Go enjoy your life.

mmresd · Mar 8, 2011, 04:03 PM

I think she just feels guilty and is trying to make herself feel better. Try this, block her email? And if you ever receive anything from her just erase it, whatever you are feeling now is temporary, most things are... So just wait it out, keep yourself busy and focused on things that matter.

Good luck,

Javi

qwerty2 · May 2, 2011, 04:52 PM

Well, I've been broke up with my ex for a while now. I still think of her all day every day. Its been a crazy time, we had to go long distance and we broke up after that. It sucks. Things have happened and I told her I can't speak to her anymore a few weeks ago. I got a message the other day saying 'i hope your ok'. I just ignored it, maybe one day I'll get something like you did. Be thankful you kind of know how she feels, its torture not knowing what's going on. It invades my dreams I can't even escape it when I'm asleep. I don't know what your ex is trying to say, but maybe she's been dumped/screwed over and has realised there aren't many genuine guys out there and she used to have one. Maybe she wants you back. Food for thought. Be strong, don't do anything without thinking about it for a day or two first, and keep you head up. Peace

Guen · Jun 26, 2012, 04:52 PM

I think she loves you and wants to be friends.
Maybe the relationship didn't work, but that doesn't mean love doesn't endure.

Can you transform your feelings for her into those of friendship?

No contact is hurtful, and implies that the relationship had no validity.

It is respectful and loving to stay in contact with those who have had an impact on our lives.

It seems from your post you are still seeing yourself as a victim; is there a different way you can look at it? What did you learn from this relationship? How did you grow? If you love her, why would you want to waste any moment of your life in the manipulative power trip of "no contact?"

Because let me tell you from personal experience: when someone you love dies, it makes you realize how petty all of that "No contact" stuff is, and what a waste of time holding on to past anger is. If you love her, appreciate what you can have, which is friendship and sharing.

You could always just be open and write to her and ask her why she is contacting you, what she hopes for, friendship or more. That would be a really honest and respectful way to treat someone you love.