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origins13 · Jan 20, 2007, 06:40 AM

Multiple threads merge for the entire story

Perhaps this is one of the most common question being asked here, and I have read millions of similar questions and answers, but I would still appreciate if someone could give me advise on how to get over a breakup.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a year ago. We met in college and had remained close friends until our senior year when we started to date. We have been on LDR for few years and eventually he couldn't stand it and broke up with me last year. But we dragged for quite a long time since then until recently he started to distant from me and later admitted that he's seeing someone else now after I confronted him. I was heart-broken and devastated, especially it was not too long ago we were still discussing about starting over again and he even suggested that he'll find a job in the city where I'm working at now. I love him so much and thought he was the love of my life. We both went through a lot and I thought we could overcome any obstacles ahead of us.

We had actually broken up few times before. The last time we broke up was because he cheated on me. Later we got back together and things were all great since then. We were more in love then before.

About a year ago he broke up with me because he said he couldn't bear the LDR any longer and he felt too lonely. I was quite upset. But the breaking up process has prolonged and we kept frequent contact as if we're still going out. In the beginning of last year, he came to visit me few times and had remained very caring. I was confused whether he was still in love with me or not. Then last summer I finally brought up the topic and asked if he wants to start things over. He answered yet and even suggested that he'll try to move to the same city where I am. I was quite happy.

But few months ago he suddenly began to distant from me and acted very weirdly. Initially I thought because we'd been fighting too much during that time and he wanted some space. Until later he told me that he felt too lonely and wanted to start dating people again. I was quite upset. Then very soon when I found out that he is actually in a new relationship with another person, I was determined to cut complete contact with him.
I felt betrayed though he broke up with me a year ago already.

Since then he called and emailed me from time to time, checking to see how I am. He even told me that he still misses me a lot and that the girl is only there to pass time. He said he still feels that eventually he'll marry me. I was somewhat happy to learn that he still tihnks of me and yet I'm scared to believe his words anymore. I was very confused.

I sent him a present for Christmas (perhaps because I still miss him a lot). Haven't heard from him since Christmas. I then called him after new year and checked if he receive the present. He casually acknowledged and sounded quite cold on the phone. I felt he suddenly changed his attitude. I was again very confused.

He stopped contacting me since then. A part of me felt that he has moved on already and yet a part of me still keep finding excuses for him and all of sort of explanations why he behaved this way. I feel myself in a mess and I just don't know what should I do? What is on his mind? This guy was once my love, my best friend and suddenly he walks out from my life. I am very hurt and want to move on, but I still couldn't stop thinking about him and hold on with the hopes that he'll come back. Am I being stupid?

Bluerose · Jan 20, 2007, 07:39 AM

"Since then he called and emailed me from time to time, checking to see how I am. He even told me that he still misses me a lot and that the girl is only there to pass time."

I only have one thing to say... If he can say that about a girl he is seeing, he can say it about you to some other girl.

What he is doing is wrong, and he could be doing it to you.

Move on, keep busy, treat yourself with kindness and you won't need to seek it out from others.

origins13 · Jan 20, 2007, 07:47 AM

A part of me thinks he's a jerk and yet a part of me couldn't accept a person I know for so long has become such a stranger to me now. I have known and stayed as closed friends for almost a decade now. He's someone whom I trusted the most.

I don't understand why he tells me about his new girlfriend, that she knows about me and she is jealous of me. Is he just trying to lead me on or simply try to make me feel better. If so, then why suddenly he disappeared? He tells me he still loves me and yet the next day he becomes so cold.

I know I should move on. I am just very disappointed.

talaniman · Jan 20, 2007, 08:13 AM

You can stop the rollercoaster by stopping all contact with him whatsoever, that includes emails and phone calls. He may have good intentions(?), but he hurts you. You end this drama, and move ahead with a life you enjoy without him.

origins13 · Jan 20, 2007, 08:53 AM

My long-term boyfriend broke up with me and is now seeing someone else. Part of the reason he wanted to break up because he said I don't listen to him. He wanted me to do everything he asked of me. He thinks I am not skinny enough and that he felt somewhat embarrassed. I am a very stubborn person and I felt he doesn't respect me when he asked me to do this and that, to the extent of changing myself completely. This issue led us to many fights. He is now seeing another girl whom he said it's very nice to him and most importantly listens to him. I am very heart-broken and devastated.

I start to doubt myself and whether I made a mistake for not listening to him enough. Was it my fault that the relationship ended. We were together for 5 years already.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 20, 2007, 08:57 AM

First: No, it was not your fault the relationship ended.

Second: What he was doing to you was emotional abuse.

Third: Do not ever doubt yourself.

Fourth: No reason to be devastated, you should be happy and relieved.

Five: Many people in relationships try to change each other but if he never really liked you for who you are then are you not better off without him? You need to be yourself.

Sixth: The only time you should change, is when that change is for yourself. Never change for anybody else except for yourself.

Joe

talaniman · Jan 20, 2007, 09:44 AM

As a reference point,https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-up-56011.html
Any long distance relationship is a tough thing to do, no matter what kind, or however strong the love is. Any break up can bring negative feelings of doubt and loss of confidence , given the time, and emotions invested in it. With time and effort we get over it and move on by getting a life without that person and learning to do the things that make us happy.

shygrneyzs · Jan 20, 2007, 09:59 AM

Why do you feel devastated when you already said he did not respect you? Read your own words again.

Someone who respects you should not go about trying to change you over to fit their needs.

You also said that he complained you did not listen to him - that he wanted you to listen and agree to everything he said and you did not. Good for you! You stood up for yourself on that. Why WHY would you want to agree with everything he said, especially if you had a different point of view? It is him who has the issue here, not you. You have a right to express your opinion. Yes, he has a right to his too. That is where healthy discussion comes in. Every couple goes through that and can compromise or else agree to disagree but still accept each as they are - not as someone else tries to make them over to be.

Changing yourself needs to come from within. If you truly see something you need or want to work on. It should come down as an edict from the guy you are involved with. If you want to lose weight, lose it for your own self esteem and health.

Consider yourself blessed here for having back your own life. This guy is a control oriented person. A control freak. He needs to regulate another person's life - be glad it is not yours anymore. There are safe houses and shelters full of women who can tell you just how bad it can get, living with a man like that.

Ammutty · Jan 20, 2007, 11:34 AM

What is happening to you is very natural.
Probably you would have done enough compromises already for your ex. And he is thus trying to put pressure on you. Also for the fact that he is is mentioning to you that the other girl is better and "listens" to him shows that that girl is just a doll, and he preferes you to then her, as you have your own identity and self respect.

This does not outright tell you not to listen to anyone.. judge and think, if it is OK to listen to someone.
Further, everything is mutual- if you scratch my back, I will scratch yours. Else, you can close that relationship. Never feel guilty!

Ammutty · Jan 20, 2007, 11:39 AM

AH! He is trying to use you as his stepni!
Not your guy, you should move on..

Fr_Chuck · Jan 20, 2007, 01:00 PM

No, listening to someone is just that listening, not changing, he wanted someone other than who you are, he wanted someone to mold in his image, not a equal partner that he would respect.

manimuth · Jan 20, 2007, 01:14 PM

Its normal that your self-esteem and self-confidence are hurt after the breakup. Its normal to question yourself or even doubt yourself. BUT, the most important thing is that you do not obsess over it. This guy doesn't sound like he was very good to you anyway. No one, who cares about you, should make you feel bad about the way you look. Also, if he found what he was looking for in someone else, good for him! Don't worry about people who has left you. If he has moved on, you move on as well. Do not obsess about what you could've done or what you should've done. Take pride in who you are, what you have to offer, and give it to someone who deserves it.

Bluerose · Jan 20, 2007, 03:27 PM

Maybe he has become a habit you are simply trying to break. In order to break bad habits we must replace them with a new, good habit.

Take care of you. Stay strong and stay above the battles.

chuff · Jan 20, 2007, 05:27 PM

Let's be honest here. This relationship ended years ago. Truthfully I'm not sure if it ever started. It was long distance with no real promise to come together, he likes you when he doesn't have anybody else to have sex with, and he openly tells you he cheated before and is now seeing another woman. He's made you feel worthless and dependent and you choose to accept it. Now be bigger than the situation and choose to accept that you won't fall for this again. Be bigger than this and do some studying on why you've allowed this.

chuff · Jan 20, 2007, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by origins13

Should girls always listen?

Yes.

Originally Posted by origins13

I felt he doesn't respect me when he asked me to do this and that, to the extent of changing myself completely.

No.

Listening means you be quiet and don't interrupt or be disrespectful or try to change the person your with. But for you half of this agreement to be met you must do it with someone that accepts and respects the same beliefs. Your ex could not and did not.

origins13 · Jan 22, 2007, 08:42 PM

Hi, I have posted previously, seeking for support after my long-term (ex) boyfriend broke up with me months ago. It's been awhile now and I'm feeling bit better than before. And yet I still couldn't help from wondering if I was at fault leading to the break up.

My ex and I were together for over 5 years but have been on LDR for the last few years. He's now seeing someone now and one of the reason he broke up with me was because he said I had too much burden on my shoulder that he couldnt' handle me anymore. I have some family problems which are complicated to resolve and which was also why I couldn't move to the same city with him yet.

I was very closed to my ex and we shared almost everything, that includes my family issues. But every time when I got upset from my family problems, my ex would not want to talk to me and said I made him feel stressed out. Eventually he couldn't handle me and broke up with me. This made me start to doubt how open should we be with our partner?

I listened to my ex whenever he got upset or feels down and I expected he would do the same to me. Was I wrong to assume this? Are guys and girls different?

missb · Jan 22, 2007, 08:53 PM

I think its good to be open in a relationship. You should be able to tell your partner how you feel and what's bothering you any time.I also think that he should have been there for you like you were there for him when he was stressed. Maybe he's self centered and don't really care about others feelings.but you haven't done anything wrong...

talaniman · Jan 22, 2007, 09:29 PM

Sounds like you were the giver and he was the taker and you should be glad he is long gone. You did nothing wrong except give to an ungrateful partner so leave him in the past and look to the future with some one who deserves you.

userjan1 · Jan 23, 2007, 01:29 AM

We should be able to share nethin with our loved ones... nethin!!
If he is not giving you this much space then its good for you that he is gone... u r in a very good state now... otherwise you may hv repented it later...

rol · Jan 23, 2007, 02:30 AM

<<But every time when I got upset from my family problems, my ex would not want to talk to me and said I made him feel stressed out. Eventually he couldn't handle me and broke up with me. This made me start to doubt how open should we be with our partner?
>>

I think of course a partner should listen. Men try to fix problems more than listen, so maybe he felt like he could not help you fix your family problems and this is why he felt he could not handle you.