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johnnywrongtime · Mar 2, 2011, 03:32 PM

I have been dating a girl for about six months. Everything with us has been going really well with one exception. She was married previously and ended her marriage to be with a man that she dated for 3 years. I do not know him. She has told me that he is "crazy". He supposedly has OCD bad enough that he is not able to function in normal life, which is why she said they stopped seeing each other. When they separated 1.5 years ago he became an alcoholic. He was repeatedly hospitalized for alcohol poisoning and was drunk all day and night. He has since quit drinking, but this has made his OCD worse, according to my girlfriend. Since we have begun dating they have been in constant contact. They both work together as professors and share an office with 8 other faculty members. This means they see each other in person daily. He also texts her multiple times a day. I am not the overly jealous suspicious type, so I have not read her text log. He also calls her home every day. If she does not answer, he will call over and over sometimes calling literally 30 or more times in a row. I have told her that this behavior is bothering me. I have asked her to stop contacting him outside of work. She has stopped seeing him in person outside of work, but the text messages and phone calls continue. Today I offered to go out to dinner with both of them. She said that would be impossible because he "hates me" and wants to date her. According to her he offers to do whatever she needs in order for her to start seeing him again. She assures me that she has no interest in him outside of trying to make him feel better. Supposedly he has no friends and no one else to talk to due to his OCD and has been her "best friend" since they separated. She has dated multiple people since leaving him, but continued to have a sexual relationship with him during many of these people. Her other "serious" boyfriends have all left her because of her strange relationship with him. She assures me that they are not sexual and that this she is trying to turn their relationship into a more healthy and typical friendship. I do not know what I should do. I feel like it is unfair for her to fraternize with her ex-lover and have this secretive relationship. I have asked her to stop and she has refused, telling me that I can leave until she has had time to "figure out how to fix it". I would like to know what you think I should do. I love this woman and she treats me really well. I am just really jealous about this situation. What do you think?

ken007nielsen · Mar 2, 2011, 04:55 PM

I can't tell you what to do, I can however tell you out from what I have read what I would do.

You been together for 6 months which means this relationship is still pretty new, she's been very open about her past which is very good, but she has cheated on her other boyfriends with this guy.

She refuses to stop contact which is her right, I however would never put up with this.
And her pattern is that she destroys every relationship she's in because of this guy.

I would get rid of her, there's like a million red flags which I think you ignore because your not the jealous kind of guy (at all)!

talaniman · Mar 3, 2011, 05:34 PM

Dude, the guy has ruined her relationships in the past, and will continue to do so until she "fixes it". That may never happen, and I think you are getting a preview of things to come. Being jealous or not means nothing at all.

This would be unacceptable to me. But only you know what you can put up with.

You may have to realize she may be as crazy as he is, but you haven't known her long enough to tell. Frankly, I wouldn't want to.

Just think with your head and not your heart because one thing is certain, she ain't interested in changing a thing with him. Whether its you, or anyone else, she is dating.

kcomissiong · Mar 21, 2011, 02:00 PM

I think that a great deal of this problem is respect. She does not respect you or your relationship enough to stop seeing a man who she KNOWS is interested in her (in the relationship sense). My husband would have a conniption if I were going to lunches with men that have expressed their desire to violate or destroy our relationship. Simply put, she has shown you where you stand with her, and it's not above him. Is this worth always coming second to another man?