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meemee33 · Feb 22, 2011, 09:33 AM

Hi,
My daughter is planning a destination wedding which I can not afford to attend. I told her before anything was booked, invitations printed, etc. but she is going through with these plans anyway. They just want a small wedding. Maybe 50 people. I have offered to give them all the money I can afford to put towards a wedding here, but the won't.
She has two brothers, 11 and 8 who were left out of the wedding party,(the grooms 2 brothers are standing up on his side). I feel do disrespected and angry.
Looking for some thoughts...
MeeMee

justcurious55 · Feb 22, 2011, 10:18 AM

That's unfortunate that they are choosing to have their wedding so far knowing you won't be able to attend.

What if you put the money you would have given them for a wedding near you towards a plane ticket instead? Maybe they could help you stay in a hotel for a few days, since you are the mother of the bride after all.

As for the little boys not being in the wedding, if the groom is going to have his brothers there and they weren't counting on you being there (I would assume if you're not going the little boys won't be going), maybe they didn't feel it would be appropriate to have the boys be part of the wedding party. I remember when my cousin got married and her brothers and me were all between about 8 and 12 years old or so. We were all "ushers" so that we could feel included in the wedding party. We were happy doing it for about 5 minutes and then all the programs ended up going to the nearest adult so we could run and play. Sometimes it's better to leave the children out of the party and just let them be kids.

meemee33 · Feb 22, 2011, 01:08 PM

Thanks for you reply. The wedding party was picked prior to determining it was a destination wedding. The cost for us to go is more than having a reception for 50 near by.

justcurious55 · Feb 22, 2011, 01:11 PM

Wow. Where are they going that getting there costs more than having a wedding?

Have you checked out all of the discount travel sites? Like orbitz, priceline, all of those types of sites?

Fr_Chuck · Feb 22, 2011, 04:35 PM

Yes, many couples I know that have weddings were all the family can not attend often do a small private wedding at home for family and then do the away wedding for the event

But it does sounds like perhaps the groom is running the show somewhat or perhaps is this where she had dreamed of a wedding ?

But you love her, you are disappointed but don't let it be a road block to stop a relationship with her latter

dontknownuthin · Feb 22, 2011, 04:41 PM

I would tell your daughter, "I am heartbroken you've chosen to have your wedding where I cannot afford to attend it. Do you have plans at all for celebrating with me and your brothers?" If she doesn't have some accommodation in mind, I'd make clear that you feel intentionally excluded and would not financially contribute to the wedding in any way. It's a really nasty slight. Perhaps give her a token gift in person before she leaves and wish her well, but don't pay for any aspect of this wedding - its unbelievably selfish.

I think less of the children being excluded from the wedding party, but they should be invited to the wedding. As children, it would be difficult to make them groomsmen, for example. I assume the groom's brothers are older?

Jake2008 · Feb 25, 2011, 06:30 AM

These destination weddings have really become popular. I've turned down invitations too because of the expense, but have attended parties or receptions arranged for when the bride and groom return home.

But, as a parent, I would be extremely hurt and angry if, my children knew, during the planning process of the wedding itself, that I would be unable to afford to go to the destination for the wedding, and they went ahead anyway. I think you are perfectly justified in stating the obvious, and they should have not been so selfish as to knowingly exclude you from their wedding.

That they have chosen this path, I too would not provide any financial assistance. That is adding insult to injury as far as I'm concerned.

I really feel badly for you to be put in this position. Especially knowing that they could easily have used the trip money to fund a dinner or reception of some kind, and not excluded those that couldn't afford to pay to attend a destination wedding.

I don't know when the wedding is, but I presume it is too late to try one more time to convince them to be more considerate. All you can do is accept their decision, and realize that no doubt at some point in the future, they will look at the pictures, without you in them, and realize what a stupid, selfish thing it was to have a wedding you were unable to attend.

Lola7632 · Jul 7, 2011, 01:36 PM

Hi Mee Mee, I'm in a very similar situation.
My only child is planning her wedding in Mexico, the cost savings on the wedding and the availability of dates are the main reasons for their choice. I've been gathering information on the event over the last few days, and I'm still feeling a little sick at what I'm finding out. When she asked that I come, she stated that "they" would help me pay for the trip, but now that the payment deadlines are looming - in 22 days and in 3 months, they're not offering anymore. Her fiancé doesn't like me and I'm exhausted from trying to engage him and be friendly. What they are saving on the wedding is now just a cost transferred to the guests, most of whom have no problem paying, and who enjoy travel. I don't like to travel, and I CANNOT afford this - but I thought that she wanted me there, so I would get there somehow.
Now I'm looking at more than $2000 for airfare and hotel, let alone costs for passport, a dress and some beach clothes, all things that I don't have already. This will mean not only maxing out my credit card (when I was within months of having it paid off) but will also require going without all of the things I planned to purchase in the next year and forgoing my few small pleasures until the trip. I'm on a very small fixed income and I'm slowly coming to the realization that I really cannot afford to attend.
I would feel guilty and uncomfortable at being there if others, including the happy couple or my family, were to help me with paying - a trip to Mexico is not something I would choose to do on my own.
That said, I would not get angry or upset about them choosing this wedding - if it's what they want, they should have it. I want my daughter to be happy and have the wedding of her dreams. She didn't choose to do it this way to exclude me, I'm not taking it personally. And I hope you won't either - it's unfortunate, yes, but their lives are their lives - with the marriage they start their own family and YOUR family is not the top priority for them.
I hope you can wish them the best and not hold a grudge.
I'm trying to do the same.
Lola