[panda808]

I am a 22 year old girl, and have a boyfriend of 3 and a half years who is 25. We have always had a good relationship and I am get on with him really well (there is no issue here as such). However he is looking to buy a house in the near future and wishes for me to move in with him. The idea sounds great, and I am enjoying looking around houses with him, however I know when the time comes I will not want to leave home (this is where the problem arises)...

I feel embarrassed to admit, but the age of 22, my mum is still my world. I miss her during the day when she is at work. I barely spend a Saturday with my boyfriend, as I always go shopping with my mum (so much that I never take extra hours at work on a Saturday) so I can be with my mum. I miss her of an evening when I see my boyfriend. I always sit with her when I am at home, even if she is working I just want to be in the same room as her. I hate the thought of going away as I would miss her. I never moved out to uni, as I knew I wouldn't cope. My boyfriend thinks we are too close, but I think we both enjoy a bit of time alone, so he doesn't really comment that I don't see him on Saturday's or days where my mum is off and so is he, I usually choose my mum over him.

Don't get me wrong, I am so glad I have a good relationship with my mum, but it worries me how I am ever going to move on. A further problem is that I get very jealous, very easily. Whether this is my fault purely, or sister rivalry I do not know, but this is quite a big issue. My mum has always loved my boyfriend to bits, he usually always came for a Sunday roast, and my mum has a great relationship with him, which I love. However my sister has just got a new boyfriend (well 3 months now) and I am finding it very hard.

Firstly, it is all she talks about, even if I start talking about mine, she will butt in with something about hers and take over the conversation. Secondly, she never spends a minute without him, so my mum gets upset and pours her heart out to me, as she misses my sister, and when I say to my mum, but I am here, she looks at me as if to say, "your not her though". My sisters boyfriend always gets invited round for the Sunday roast now, and after 3 months, they are so serious, talking of going away, getting a place together and marriage, kids etc. Whereas I sort of feel that after 3 and half years that attention with houses, engagemant etc should be on me. My sister has managed to wangle her boyfriend into the same pattern as mine. So he texts my mum, rings her, always round keeping her company, telling her he adores my mum etc.

So fair enough, I bet you will all say, it's the "new kid on the block" give it time, but NO this is only going to get worse, I know my sister. Whereas I talk about my boyfriend, I don't big him up all the time, as I feel I don't need to, my mum knows him inside out so I don't need to tell everyone how good he is. Whereas both my sister and her boyfriend feel the need to express how amazing they both think each other are to my mum, and it really hits a soft spot with my mum. My mum is brain washed and always says "oh your sister and ....... are so happy together, its like love at first sight, just look at them.. etc etc, which is literally brain fed the exact words from my sister. They are also very touchy feely infront of everyone, whereas me and my boyfriend think there is a time and place for that, so again my mums like, aww doesn't he just adore her with the affection they show, whereas everytime they do smooch infront of us, my mum looks at me as if to say "ewww get a room".

I really need help, as this is affecting my relationship with my sister, and because I say all this to my boyfriend he is put off wanting to get to know my sisters boyfriend, so really I am spoiling my family for everyone. I often think its my fault, but I am beginning to wonder if my sister is in on it as well, and is just as bad in competition to my mum as I am. I know it shouldn't be that way, but I have always felt the second best over my sister. I used to be a daddy's girl until puberty and that's when my bond with my mum occurred. However if its me, my mum and my sister, my mum will never look at me when speaking, she always looks at my sister, she always tells my sister things. SO even though she's out most the time, she knows everything before I do. She always goes to my sister for advice and help with anything. I just feel like I am not good enough, whereas I am the one that opens up to my mum and tells her everything about me, whereas my sister is private.

Anyway so you know my sister is 25, older than me. And does anyone have any ideas of how I can help myself? As this is truly a disaster waiting to happen.

[joypulv]

I really do feel that you are the one who needs help, no one else.
Your mother dwells on your sister because she isn't around as much as you are, plain and simple, and is planning to get married and move away, so of course she gets more attention. It isn't even a prodigal daughter situation (the wayward child gets all the love).
Your dear sweet mum is probably secretly a little worried about your ability to leave her. You need to seriously face the fact that you could lose your boyfriend if you continue this way.
I can't believe you aren't working or in school at age 22 - what do you do all day? If you were doing either, you would have more social contact and it would help with this over attachment to your mother.
And lastly, yes you are petty in your jealousy of your sister, her boyfriend, china patterns, and all that.
Time to get some help. I'd start by getting a job, even part time.

[panda808]

I work 5 hours a week in a job, and I am studying for a Masters at uni, which is full time thank you, so my time is taken up by that, a lot of it is researching so I do spend a fair bit of time alone. I appreciate your thoughts, however I doubt my mum can see this attachment, as she will just think its lovely, and as we have been the ones looking at houses, she is encouraging my boyfriend to get a place and she thinks its nice that I want to stay near. My mum will be devastated the day we both move, all I was suggesting is that I feel she forces me away, whereas she does not my sister. But I see your point in the fact that I am around more, and my sister not.

It might be useful to add that when I am at uni I feel left out with the group of friend. One tries to include me, one doesn't really have anything to do with me. However even though I introcuded those two to each other, they live closer and do lots together out of uni, which doesn't involved me. The only two people I feel I really bond with is my mum and boyfriend, and yes a couple of friends outside uni, but they have their own lives, its hard to be in touch 24/7. I think inside I just feel dejected by a lot of people, yet without bigging myself up, my boyfriend adores me, so I know its not like everyone hates me!

[talaniman]

Boy do you need a life outside your mom, and boyfriend that makes you happy, with friends and activities that you enjoy. All due respect, I know school is a lot of time, but the real issue is that your life is so unbalanced you seem to latch on to people very readily and depend on them so much, that its wrecked your social life and prevented you from being on your own without an emotional crutch to back you up.

so I know its not like everyone hates me!

Pay attention to this, and get some independence about your social life. You wouldn't have all these negative feelings if you were more secure within yourself. Just curious where you "work" for 5 hours a week?

Not only do you need a separate social life, but sooner or later you will have to devote a lot more time with that adoring boyfriend, because what partner is going to take second place behind a parent? And your mom will be just fine without you. She may actually have a life planned, that doesn't include you.

You better get beyond that clingy neediness you have, and learn to be alone, and happy, or you will take your FEARS into your relationship, no doubt, because while your adoring boyfriend accepts things now, I doubt if he will after he buys a house. He will expect a proper partner that puts him first, without suffocating him.

Find your fear, face it, overcome it. Its an adjustment that must be made.

[panda808]

I can see these issues that are arising, but I need to know how to overcome them. I do see my friends as much as possible, but like you said university takes up a lot of my time, it's a very demanding course with an awful lot of essays and assignments (to put into perspective 23 assignments and 4 exams between sept 2010 and Dec 2010!) that's a busy person!!

I know I need to become less attached to my mum and not be jealous of the attention she gives my sister and her boyfriend, but how? I do have what I would class an average social life given my commitments. I work in retail for 5 hours a week to cover petrol costs for my car. I occasionally ask for extra hours if I have a less busy week at uni, but that rarely happens these days!

[joypulv]

I'm sorry I assumed that you weren't in school; I misread didn't move out to uni as didn't go to uni.

You can see a therapist (perhaps the school has one) and/or do practical therapy on yourself, by planning that move out of the house, and forcing yourself out socially, even just to study in the library to start. Perhaps the age you were when your father was no longer in the picture (death, divorce?) had a major effect on you, or something about the way it happened. Explore why you are this way while getting out more at the same time.

[panda808]

Thanks joypulv - my father is still around, he still lives at home with us, as a family. I haven't mentioned him as he is not involved in this. He keeps his opinions very much to himself, and I think that's partly as he is outnumbered by females. He probably thinks we (me and my sister) are too close to my mum, and he can probably see that my sister is more normal in the sense that even after 3 months in a relationship she can be independent and puts her boyfriend first. Whether he can see that my mum doesn't like that, is another matter.
Perhaps it will just take me to move out to realise that life isn't a competition with my sister, and that my mum will still always be there even if I am not at home. I have also onl ever experienced education, I have never yet had a full time job, I hope to enter the "real world" anytime from September onwards when my course is finished. Perhaps that will help me too?
At the minute though, all I see is competition as to who is going to get married first, as obviously if one gets engaged it's a bit tricky for the other to, my poor parents couldn't plan two weddings at once. Secondly I think if I move out my mum will fall to pieces, and thirdly I will miss everything, as my mum opens up to my sister over me. But perhaps its just a learning game, and the more I do the more I feel comfortable. Who knows? Thanks for your advice

[talaniman]

But perhaps its just a learning game, and the more I do the more I feel comfortable. Who knows? Thanks for your advice

You are right it's a learning time, and practice makes perfect, so start by planning something to do when your mom is at work, and you have time for yourself. Maybe making time for you, and your boyfriend, to. Try things and you will know what you like to do, without mom or your boyfriend.

You have a whole world to explore.

[Jake2008]

Like it or not, it is a natural course of events for parents to eventually accept, and encourage the independence of their children.

It is also a natural course of events at your age, to have your independence, and be a self supporting adult in your own right.

I see this as your mother getting used to the idea of you moving out with your boyfriend, but you are still needing the nurturing from her, as it has always been, for the past 22 years.

And realistically, what is holding you back. Why do you need the continuing attention from your mother, and have such a hard time accepting that, by now, your roles should be at least changing, to allow for the natural course of events which sees you independent.

The jealousy you have toward your sister is unwarranted. The way you see your mother favouring her, and thus snubbing or not appreciating you, is inappropriate at your age. You have become encased in the past, when all those around you are moving forward with their own lives.

Your life, your boyfriend, your girlfriends, your entire social life, and work life (you turn down extra hours that would be helpful in setting aside money for things you will need for the house with your boyfriend for example), all contribute to you being in one place, and that is dependent upon your mother providing that security blanket for you.

Your world revolves around not being ready to move on with your life, and expecting those in your life, to revolve around your needs. Your need to be with your mother, your need to be acknowledged more by your mother, your need to stay at home, your need to be critical of your sister, etc.

Unless there are very good reasons that you have not stated, or that I've missed in your posts, it is simply time to cut the apron strings, move on with your life, and start living- for you. Not anybody else, including your mother.

If moving into a house with your boyfriend is too much of a change right off the bat, why not ease yourself into the adult world of independence, by getting your own place. Learn how to live with yourself, before you learn how to adapt and live with another person, first.

In the meanwhile, start thinking of goals for yourself, not those that are necessarily most comfortable (ie staying home), or what others expect, i.e. moving directly in with your boyfriend. Set goals that can realistically see you independent. At your age, you should be counting less on how others see you, and how you see them, and more on yourself.

Change isn't easy, especially when you are so reluctant to move past the situation you are in, and on with your life. But, for your own foray into adulthood, the only person you will be able to count on, should be yourself, not anybody else. And that includes your mother, and that includes your boyfriend.

[talaniman]

Expect a lot of stress in your transition. Its hard but those are the "growing pains" you will need to teach you to cope with reality.

[answerme_tender]

No offense but at the age of 22years its time to get unhooked from mom's chest!! I know you attached but come on, you are apparently aware there is a problem so what are you willing to do to get help.

This will have to be a choice that YOU make as a grown adult woman. The benefits will help you move on with your future. I agree that you need to get some counseling for this issue. Hopefully getting help will also open your eye's to your relationship with your sister.

You are so insecure with yourself that you are are thinking that any attention given to your sibling is a bases of competition. A Mothers love is NOT a competition, its given freely to each child!!

Take care

[joypulv]

We don't hear other sides to stories here, so we have to try to read between the lines.
There appears to be a contradiction about your mother's feelings toward you. I can't tell if she fears that you won't be able to leave and have a normal life with your boyfriend, or if she tries to hang onto both you and your sister, and that is one reason why your sister is getting so much attention. But I think you might be reading her all wrong. Some mothers hover and flutter as daughters get ready to leave, acting all sad about being left as a motherly way of saying 'I love you and will miss you but have to let you go.' You aren't following that pattern, and that has thrown a wrench in the works, because she would never say anything hurtful. I think she WANTS you to get out, socialize, move nearby, and visit each other a lot!
YAY! What could be better?