[lisa_katherin]

Hi all

I have had this huge problem that I can't seem to let go of. Let me first tell you the basis of it all. I had been in a serious long term relationship with a man for nearly 4 years, I was living with him at the time and we were due to get married. But unfortunately the relationship ended in sept 2005 as he suddenly changed and tried to kill me by strangling me. Anyway I got the police involved but I didn't get him arrested ( I still to this day don't know why I didn't go ahead with it)

Well up until last Saturday I had found out from my mother that he is getting married. WHY!! When we were together we were living together and I was thinking about adopting is child as the child was living with us both and he only decided to ask me to marry him after 3 years of being together. I now find out that he is getting married to a POLISH person, I have never thought of myself to be a racist in any way but they have only been together for not even 7 months. I just want them both to not exist.

I can't sleep at night as the thought of him getting married to her makes me livid! What makes it worse is that on the night of him trying to kill me I threw the engagement ring at him and now this girl is wearing it.

I want to know why am I so angry at the thought of him getting married to another woman and why can't I just let it go.

Please please please can somebody help me find a way of getting through this. I thought that I had got him out of my head but everything these days reminds me of him and it makes me want to burst out into tears or I just want to punch his lights out.


Any feedback would be grateful as I seriously need some help from somebody.

Thanks

[JoeCanada76]

First - Was he only abusive to you or was he abusive to the child as well?

Secondly - What brought on him strangling you. What was said, what was done? Was there any kind of drugs or alcohol involved?

Thirdly - The most calm people, peaceful people have breaking points. It seems to me that this incident of what your talking about was the only one. What was his breaking point.

Fourth - Maybe he was not happy in the relationship and now that you know he has moved on your jealous and you want something now that you know you can not have. Obvously he was not that bad to you except for that one incident, unless there is more to the story.

Fifth - Now you need to look at yourself and wonder what was your role in the situation, what triggered that reaction. Why you did not have the cops arrest him. Did you feel responsible some how for his reaction?

Sixth - You need to move on, the only way to do that is if you volunteer, go out. Keep busy working. Fill up your life with important things you want to do. Important things that will make you feel good about others and yourself.

Seventh - It is over. The end. I do not think you are angry at all. I think your jealous. This lady never did anything to you. So yes, your jealous. There is a big difference between Angry and jealousy. Jealousy causes hate. Jealousy in your case is unfounded and you need to let go of it. Or it will ruin your life.

Live each day as a new day. Looking at the past will only spoil today. Looking at the past will keep you from moving forward. Looking into the future you will miss out on today. Make today the most important day in your life. Changing the way you look at life. Changing your outlook will change the outcome of your life.

Joe

[talaniman]

You should see a therapist. If you can't get over someone who chokes you almost to death. I understand you being mad because he has moved on and is happy and you haven't. You must let go of the past. It is poisoning your future.

[lisa_katherin]

Thank you joe

In answer to your questions:

One: he was never the abusive (physically) type but mentally YES YES YES!! He never let me see my family when we were in the relationship, he hated seeing me talk to a friend, neighbour or his family. He would check up on me constantly when I was at work or coming home from work, he wanted to know everything about what I was doing and where I was. He was [U]extreemly over possessive.

Two: the night in question I can remember it like it was yesterday, The story was that we had come back from holiday with (his married friends, as I wasn't allowed to have any friends of my own) we had a brilliant time on holiday and it was my 21st birthday 4 days after, I didn't expect anything off him but thought that as it was a 21st it should be something that you should remember for (also the holiday was paid for my me) I asked him to make a coffe for me whilst his father was in the room and he said make it yourself I just let it go and his dad had said that he'd like a drink, also he never even gave me a card or nothing. Anyway after his dad left he went off on one saying that I'd embarrassed
Him (this was very normal for him accusing me of things that I never did or knew nothing about) he then said that he didn't want me living with him anymore that he was chucking me out. We had both been working all day and no drugs or alcohol were involved. We were both against smoking or drugs. The next day I was looking for a place to rent (on the net) the night that I came home I started packing, he was late finishing work so I thought I'd better get this finished pretty quick, I was putting my clothes in a suitcase and as he came home with his son he saw what I was doing, he told his son to play upstairs and he said to me to stop what I was doing that he was going to burn all my clothes and I was to get out there and then told him to piss off and went to get some more clothes, as I was walking past him he pushed me and I fell into a dado rail and my head was bleading. I told him to never touch me again, so I walked past him again with the pile of clothes in my arms and he pushed me again, he saw the blood on my hand that I had just touched my head with. I said that that was the last straw, so I went into the kitchen and smashed all of his crystal classes on the floor, which was prettey stupid as I didn't have any shoes on my feet he then locked me in the kitchen and barracarded me in.after a while with my head still bleading and no way of moving as there was sharp glass all over the floor he came in and backed me against the units and we started arguing and that was when he put his hands to my throat and strangled me I passed out, for how long I don't know but it was dark outside. When I woke up I was alone in the kitchen covered in glass and locked in again. The next day I managed to get out of the house and went to work where the bruises on my neck and arm from where he was dragging me around the kitchen, I contacted the police at work and had an escort home to collect the rest of my things when the police saw my neck and arm they wanted to arrest him, I don't know why but I just wanted someone to be there at home whilst I got my things and left, in the end I said to the police that I didn't want to get him arrested as I knew that he would get his child taken off him I didn't want that to happen.



I thought that I was over him until I found out that he is now getting married with the ring that he gave me!!

I have taken out a lot of my anger at the gym. I never knew that I could punch the punch bag so hard.

[JoeCanada76]

Okay, Now the question is? Has he ever been abusive to his child? People who are abusive to one person are usually abusive to another. Especially family members. As far as him isolating you. That is a big red flag. Of both emotionally and physically abusive. How do you know that he gave this other girl the ring that he gave you? The reason why he was so possessive and always worrying about what you were doing is probably because he was leading a double life, and he did not want you to find out about it. He probably knew this other girl a lot longer then you know of.

That is a great start going to the gym. Continue working out, but do it for yourself no one else.

Joe

[lisa_katherin]

As far as I know, he has never hit his child or been abusive to his son, that was mostly the reason why I didn't get him arrested as I knew that he would get his son taken off him as he has sole custody over the child.

I know that he has given this girl the ring that he gave me as she works for my mother, also my mother works for my ex! I have also worked with this girl, she is a really nice girl which makes it all the more harder to accept that she is marrying him, my mum noticed the ring at work on Friday and asked her who she's engaged to and she told her that it was my ex, my mother recognised the ring from being on my finger as it is a very distinctive ring.

Also his married friends e-mailed me about 6 months ago telling me who he is seeing, they both know what happened to me and thought that by telling me that I would do something about it. They are not friends with him anymore but they work with him that is how they found out.

My mother does not know what happened when we split up because if she were to find out she would probable do something like chop off his manhood, which at the present time doesn't sound like a bad idea. I'd be more than happy to do that.

I am going to the gym with hopes to meet a nice fit man and to hopefully pursue with my modeling career after I have lost a few pounds.

[ordinaryguy]

Being angry at him is entirely understandable, but directing it at her is misguided. You absolutely have to find a way to let go of it and him and this whole period in your life and get healthy so you never get sucked in by that kind of relationship again.

[eggcooker]

The fact is he is a sick man. When you live with a sick man you end up being sicker than he. You need help and you will not find it at the gym. Go to a church and see if they offer counseling. Often it is free. God bless you and remember to be grateful for all your blessings, you are still alive for a reason, find out what that reason is. Be happy even when you don't feel like it. Smile and everyone will wonder what you are up to. You are so blessed to be free of him don't mess up, just be happy and get help in the right place.

[RAYSCAR57]

You have not let go of what he did to you and or him for that matter.
The sooner you find a way to forgive him for what he did and find closer the better
Off you will be..
Believe when I say its very hard to forgive something like that but it is
Possible..
Jenn

[lisa_katherin]

There is no possibility on earth that I will ever forgive that evil person ever. Period!!

What he did is totally unforgivable I hope that he rotts in hell for what he did to me. As far as I'm concerned he is dead to me