[stefers90]

I came across this site while I was looking for answers to my problem. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 5 months, we moved in together actually about a week after dating. I know its crazy... But I'm not here to be judged, I know for a fact that he isn't cheating on me before anyone says anything like that, trust me when I tell you I know for a fact that he isn't... I have my ways of finding out. But when we first started having sex, we were having sex about everyday. It had been 3 years since he had sex... he was deployed, I've heard that the deployment changed him alot(from his friends). It started slowly dwindling down to once a week, once a month, now it has been almost a month and a half, and the only reason we had sex the last time is because I basically forced him. I can't grasp the concept of why he doesn't feel like having sex anymore. I was on the depo shot and gained 70 pounds but that was right when we got together :( It may be that he senses that I'm not comfortable being naked anymore? Or the fact that his job totally wears his butt out? Or that he just isn't attracted to me anymore? He says its because he isn't ready to have kids yet. And he doesn't want to increase the chances? I mean could it be that maybe he is hittting a certain age? He is only 25. I don't know I just want to know, it kind of hurts, I mean we need to let the sexual tension out, but its not happening. Please help me with some advice

[stefers90]

Also, He works 9 hours a day plus some weekends, and when he isn't working his dad or one of his 5 brothers are calling! Its really annoying, one day I stole his phone and turned it on silent made a nice homemade candle lit dinner, put on the song lets get it on by marvin gaye, and after dinner was ate he went and sat on the couch and turned on the television. :( I have tried to "spice up" the sex life, I do spontanious stuff all the time but he just doesn't seem into it. Also he told me that I don't do the stuff that I've done with other guys! I had only been with 3 other guys and it was pretty much basic sex... I didn't do anything else to them. He is the first guy I've done so much spontanious stuff with. And he knows that. I have told him... he just doesn't believe me.

[J_9]

Let's break this down, shall we.

we moved in together actually about a week after dating.

That's very quick... actually too quick. Maybe it took this past year and a half for him to figure out the two of you are not sexually compatible.

How about this?

the only reason we had sex the last time is bc i basically forced him.

Please tell me that's not true.

Or this...

his job totally wears his butt out

Yes, this can be totally true. He works 9 hours a day 5 days a week, right? If the job is physically or mentally stressful, well stress is a total turn off.

This is a good one, and you should hear it loud and clear!

He says its because he isnt ready to have kids yet. And he doesnt want to increase the chances?

Sex = babies. I don't care what kind of protection you use or how many forms of protection none of it, in any combination is 100% effective. Sex still = babies. We have members here who were using 3, yes I said THREE forms of birth control and still managed to get pregnant.

Now...

I mean we need to let the sexual tension out, but its not happening. Please help me with some advice

When we first meet our partners there is the honeymoon period where we go at it like rabbits. Then we become comfortable with our partners and the sex slows down and we aren't doing it 4 or 5 times a day anymore. Maybe once a week or even less for some couples.

While sex may be important to some people, for others just having the company of the one you love, the one you feel is truly your other half is more comforting.

In the end, it's quite possible that you just moved way too quick in your relationship. I mean moving in after only knowing each other a week? :eek: That's not enough time to know his favorite color or if he puts the cap on the toothbrush.

[jenniepepsi]

Can't add much more than J already did. But I did catch one other thing. You said he was deployed for 3 years? It is very common for men who were serving over seas to come back with PTSD, and other anxiety issues, all of which can cuase libido problems. Is he aware of any anxiety or stress due to the deployment?

[stefers90]

He keeps saying that he is depressed a lot, he hasn't really talked to his doctor about it. I try to help him not be so depressed, I know that he seen a lot of stuff over there that had effected him. He has told me some(not all) but some, and the stuff he told me, it would just kill me. I know he gets really stressed easy, he does suffer from PTSD.

[stefers90]

I just wrote all 1000 characters and my computer went crazy so, to shorten up what I said, I would love to spend quality time with him, but his family is always at our house, and he has a big family! And he puts them over me so its not like I can tell them to leave us alone for 1 day a week. And its not that I FORCED him, we were talking about it, and I started crying because it makes me feel so ugly and not wanted when he just rejects me, and so I'm guessing he probably felt guilty? How can you not be sexually compatible? I do everything he wants me to do. And I'm into it. And we met right after he got back from his deployment, so we knew each other for a couple years before we actually started dating. Then when we started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend is when we officially became a couple. He was home 2 years, and his friends told me he wouldn't go out and do anything with them after he got back. They said I was the first girl they seen him "come out of his shell for".

[jenniepepsi]

You alone cannot help him with his depression and/or PTSD hon. I know its hard, and I know you love him. But he NEEDS to see a doctor, or it will only get worse. You have done a wonderful job trying to help him, but its clear that you alone are not going to be able to. Get some help for him. Convince him any way you can.

[ReverendOmen]

It is true that a sex life between partners dies down after living together a certain amount of time. However, his spoken distaste fro engaging in sexual activity with you shows it's an intentional drop in "action". Your appearance has nothing to do with it I assure you. However, if he senses that you are not comfortable being naked, it will be a major turn off. Men like a woman who is controlled around others, but sexually comfortable in the privacy of the bedroom. A woman who is self-conscious around her man is insulting him. It says to the man, "you're positive opinion of me is less important than my negative opinion of myself and I am more interested in how the rest of the world views me, not just you." Trust me. It may not be what you feel, but it is definitely what he gets from it. His job will wear him out, but I used to work 40-60 hours a week and was still ready to "get busy" at least once a day. If he isn't ready to have kids yet, things can be done to prevent it. Sex=Babies, but you had sex before and it wasn't a major issue, so why now? You say he is only 25. This would be his sexual prime. Most men hit it in their mid twenties, and women in their late thirties. As for the parts about you not doing things with him you have done with others... Either you are not being honest with us, or someone is telling him you've done things. The thought in his mind is that if you were willing to try the kinky with other men but not him, that makes them more special or you loved them more. The best thing you two can do, before this does end in an affair, is to sit down and just discuss it. Don't ask why he won't, you'll get lies or the same thing you've already heard. Ask him what would make him interested. If you are too timid to ask, use the oops tactic most women have subconsciously applied for ages. Be sexy for no reason. Be naked more often. Dress sexy at home for no reason. Bend over in front of him in a skirt too short and a thong, but pretend its accidental, like you didn't notice. Sleep in less clothing if not naked. Finally, next time you take a shower, ask him if he would join you. Make up a reason you need him in their. Showering together to save water for the planet, or to save money on the water bill. Also, if there is anything sexual you have never tried or he thinks you have never tried, tell him you want to try it because you never have and always wanted to. Then follow through. Also, just curious, is he on medication for depression, anxiety or mood disorders? They inhibit sex drive and performance. Other contributors to male sex drive lacking may be self-hate, maybe he doesn't like himself or his body. Lastly, DO NOT PRESSURE HIM!! The more you push, the more it seems like a nagging chore. Sex should not be something you have to do to please another. It is something you share with someone you like because you want to enjoy the feelings it gives you. Making love is over-rated, *****ing is unnecessary. Just have sex.

[stefers90]

Well I have no need to lie to you guys, I don't know you so no I haven't done anything other with anyone else, he is the only person I've done this much stuff with... I would have to say it is probably someone telling him that, I used to be friends with one of his friends through a baby sitter which was years ago, but he once told my boyfriend that I did a bunch of stuff with him that I would never do in my life( he said drugs! ) So it could be him running his mouth again? But no he isn't on any medication... he has gained weight, and he can't pass his PT test, I know that is really making him mad, because he loves the army and if he can't pass they will throw him out. I am currently working on making myself feel better aboutmy appearance, just today he told me I looked good and he could tell I was happy( I got a new haircut and clothes) and I did feel comfortable and stuff... so maybe I should just keep working on that... thank you :)

[stefers90]

He has an appointment on Monday so hopefully I can convince him to talk to his doctor about it. And thank you, you have done a great job at bringing me insight to what I needed help with. I really appreciate you taking your time to answer my question.

[jenniepepsi]

No problem at all hon! Good luck and keep us updated on how he is doing.

One other thing, take a break and don't push the sex anymore for a while. If you need it, stimulate yourself to get release, but back off on the subject with him for a while.

[Synnen]

Please remember too that if he's in the military, ANYTHING he says to his doctor goes on his record. If he's trying to pass the PT test, he's not going to talk to his doctor about depression or anxiety or PTSD. That could hurt his military career. Yes, the military cares and offers help for all of those problems. They ALSO put it on your record, and if you're looking to be career military, it WILL screw up your chances of promotion.

I think this relationship is over, honestly. He chooses his family and his job before you. Why do you even want him?

[stefers90]

Well I would like to thank everyone for all the advice! We are starting to get back on track, I do believe that we finally hit that point in a relationship where we don't have that "in love" feeling anymore and we wasn't sure what to do now. My boyfriends brother gave me a book to read called "the 5 love languages" it couldn't have come to me at a better time. That book and your advice has helped so much. We discovered that we wasn't talking the same "love language". My love language was words of affirmation and physical touch and his were different from mine. So we decided that we would try doing stuff for the other person through their love language. So he has been holding my hand and touching my back or something when he walks by me. Therefore since I'm getting the physical touch in other places I no longer feel the need to want to have sex with him ALL the time. We are going to start having sex again but just not as often as we used to. The fact that we moved so fast was what was wrong with him. He told me he was trying to slow it down but I told him it would be hard to slow something down when we had been moving so fast for that long. But we compromised on some stuff on how we were moving so fast. I can sit here and say as for now we are doing a lot better, We are actually happy. I can see happiness in him more than what I ever have. I can see it in his actions and his eyes and smile. It makes me happy to see him happy. And I think the same goes for him. We have been going out to lunch on the weekends with his family or my family. And we hang out together with our friends and we also hang out alone with our friends. That way we are spending time together but we are also getting some alone time. I will be starting a job in the middle of march so that way I can help with bills and stuff and feel like I have a more important role in the relationship than just sitting at home doing nothing but cleaning over and over again. I am just really excited about this new found respect we have for each other. I hope and pray that it last. If it doesn't then maybe we are not meant to be but if it does last I thank you and god for helping me through this tough time I was going through! God bless you!

[stefers90]

I have posted another one to let you know how its going. I thank youso much! I stopped with the sex, he is the one who inniciated it. He said he could tell we were both tensed and we both need a sexual release. And he told me I was so sexy he couldn't keep his hands off me :) For now we are doing great. I am just praying that god helps us stay this way. You can read my post for more info. And again Thank you. I think maybe he just needed me to "speak" his "love language" to get him out of his depression state, he seems a lot happier now that I am doing stuff for him and Helping him out by doing stuff in his love language.

[stefers90]

and I'm also starting p90x, to help my mood rise and to help me feel better about myself. I know its an intense workout but my goal right now is to be able to keep up with the tony horton and be able to finish the whole dvd.