[Charlie0613]

My boyfriend of a year got a job on the rigs in a camp. The first time he was out, he called and text all the time. The second time, he text everyday, but called once a week. Now he is half way threw his 3rd hitch. He always texts me first thing in the morning to say something sweet, he would text me threw out the day, BUT its at the end of his shift, when I have time to talk (I work too) that really gets me going and last night hurt, allot.
He would call me after his shift and dinner, talk to me for 6 minutes with his rig boys around, sober, and come up with an excuse to let me go. No asking how I'm doing, what's going on, I miss you. Just his stuff then lets me go. Then he would say he will call back. He always does, but drunk as a skunk and he has me on the phone and is to busy paying attention to them or he calls back super late and passes out on me. Last night he called again, drunk and loud. I didn't say a word and he knew I was mad. He said to me, and I quote "Baby, this is my life now, I live here and come down and visit you." Then he said he would call me back later to say goodnight and he loved me. 2 am rolled by, I'm in bed, the phone rings and its him. He called to tell me the stupid stuff they did and that he thinks he's going to puke. Then passes out on me. I told him I was upset. That I just want one call that's longer then 6 minutes, where I can have his full attention and he's not drunk. He said tomorrow and then fell asleep. I hung up. Couldn't even say good bye.
Today, not one text. Hes acting like he's mad at me! For what, for being upset that I'm not his life anymore, I'm just a port side girl.
And the worst is my birthday is coming up, and all he can talk about is his birthday two months from now. He missed last year, even forgot to call. This year he's going to do the same.
I don think he loves me anymore, he does all this stuff to show me there isn't any love or respect, but then there are other things. My son went into the hospital last week. I called to let him know, he started driving down to be my support. When he's here, he's Mr Perfect and when he isn't drinking around those guys, he's a wonderful man. I don't know what to do?

[acciosnivellus]

Well, it's obviously a problem if he's values his drinking time over talking to you. I went through 4 horrible years of dating an alcoholic. It started with him just drinking with his friends, like your situation, but then it progressed and he neglected me more and more, and soon enough he was an absolute raging alcoholic. I mean, it was so bad, and still is. For example, I have a fear of stomach bugs and vomitting, and he would FAKE stomach viruses so that he knew I'd stay away from him for a few days. That bought him time to stay drunk for days. I left that mess finally.

I apologize in advance if this turns into a huge rant, but looong story short- I know exactly what it feels like to have your boyfriend choose drinking over you. My ex and I were long distance while I was at school, and pretty much the only times we could talk were at night when he got off work. Well, that just convienently happened to be his "drinking time" every single night. He was such a different person when drunk, I didn't even feel like I had a relationship anymore. He was a monster when he drank. He was so mean, distant, and just NOT HIMSELF! But the sober guy had my heart, he was so great when he was sober. Everything I would want and more. I could go on and on and on about this, but I really hope you end this. It's just not worth all the nights crying and waiting for him to call, only to answer to a drunken slob. I remember the feeling all too well.

And yes, I do know what you mean by him being acting like YOU were the one in the wrong the next day. It's because his memories from the night before are way too fuzzy for him to even begin to know how the conversation ended, and exactly why you're mad at him. So a natural defense is to just pretend like YOU were the one that brought all of this on and that he didn't do anything wrong. It's ridiculous.

I get a sick feeling thinking about all the nights I went through this. It's not fair and you DON'T deserve this "relationship"! At this point it's a one sided relationship. There's no saving it unless he will stop drinking and make dedicated, sober time for you. I don't want to be too biased given my past relationship, so I sometimes forget that some people can change. Regardless, I hope you take a stand for yourself before this goes any further.

[Charlie0613]

acciosnivellus, I am so happy you shared your story with me. It helped a bit. Its just in the last year we have had so many issues. Not just drinking, this is new, but addiction is not. He had a drug problem, it cause problems for us. Once he stole my car keys and money and took off. I was so worried and upset I called his family looking for him and the things they told me, dumped on me about what he was hurt. I told them if they heard from him I was reporting the car stolen. When he came back, he hid out at my place for a while then started talking to them again. It cause a riff. Suddenly he was telling people he was single, that I started SH** with his family and it was all my fault. We ended after that. Now we are back together, he had a few run ins with drugs. But he was going to meetings and seeking help. Even talked about our future witch is something he never wanted to talk about. But now, the drugs don't seem to be an issue. Its his new friends at the rigs and the booze. Suddenly he calls me BABE and he's to busy to talk to me. He calls drunk and the line that hurt. That's his life now, I'm just a visit. I'm 2nd place, he came right out and said it. Before when we had problems that was one of my biggest pet peeves. When his friends or cousin wanted to go play video games or what not, I was 2nd choice. He kept saying I wasn't but he would blow me off to babysit for them.
I know he can change but I worry he replaced one addiction with another. And again I come in 2nd place. But there is more, suddenly I'm not a friend on Facebook, that's how we met. Hes hiding his phone more, and My birthday is in two weeks and he forgot again, two years in a row. He's planning his birthday, even asked for a 3 way for his birthday. When I told him someone else birthday was first, he said OH yea, I better call my mom. Her birthday is past. Its like he always forgets about me! I'm 2nd.
I guess I know my answer but you understand, sometimes you need to hear people tell you your right once and a while.

[answerme_tender]

Charlie,

His "this is my life now" speech should have been the eye opener for you! His priorities have changed. This is why you are no longer at top of his list. A piece of him probably still wants to be involved with you and cares, but not to extent as before.

So now the ball is in your court. How much are you willing to put up with to stay in this relationship. Is being no more then a 6min call enough. Getting the drunken calls in all hours going to full fill your emotional needs. This type of career he has chosen will be a tough one to be sure, but it can be done. However BOTH people have to be fully committed to making the relationship work. It cannot be part-time or just when they are sober and around the other person!

I know you are wanting advise on how to proceed, but those choices can only be made by you. Only you know what you can and cannot live with or without. Keep in mind no one deserves to be made to feel they are second best!

I wish you the very best.

[acciosnivellus]

Yes, I definitely understand how you need to hear that you're right. My ex would constantly tell me I was crazy, and imagining things, and it was all in my head, and that things are only bad because I made them that way. I got so low, at one point I believed him. I came onto this website and posted my story, and got so much great advice and I finally felt validated. It was that last little step I needed to WAKE UP and realize that I deserved so much better! I hope this site gives you that last little push, too. You do NOT have to deal with these addictions and being second best. It's good that he has been seeking help for his drug problems, but you're right, addicts can replace one addiction with another. It's very scary, and stressful, and definitely will take a toll on you. Sometimes you can only care so much before you reach your breaking point, and with all the other problems present in your relationship, it sounds like you've reached that point.

I can't tell you how much better my life is since I gained the strength to leave my ex. Leaving was the HARDEST thing I have ever done, but it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I hope you choose to do the same, you've dealt with enough. Way more than enough! You deserve someone who will make YOU a priority and be there for you and support you- at all times, and not just when he's sober! Stay strong and realize you're worth more than this!

[Charlie0613]

Thanks. I agree no one should ever be second best or second choice. It hurts but at the same time it is a reminder that we all put ourselves there and the burn is when someone you love does it. It was a huge eye opener and yes I am sure he does care for me somewhere in his little head but you are right. I can't sit around and be happy like this. I need so much more. A long distance relationship is one thing, but when you're the only one in the relationship and its long distance is another. I just have to do it. I just have to let him have his drunken night with his friends. And I have to find my life again. I do love him and for some reason I give in everything we talk. If I have a concern or need to talk something out about us or something he has done he flips and somehow its my fault for not being supportive. I end up crying and begging and in the end, I did nothing wrong. Im not happy with 6 minute calls, drunken late night calls and 7 days where I have to do more!

[talaniman]

Cut your losses.