[Chloeee81]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years, I love him deeply but I don't feel myself physically attracted to him, nor have I ever really been "in love" with him. There's this other guy that came into my life last year. I feel very attracted to him and for the first time in my life I have the feeling that I've actually fallen in love. I'm not sure whether he's feeling the same way. He knows I have a boyfriend, so perhaps he thinks I'm off limit. However, when I go out with this other guy I get the feeling that he wants to be more than just friends (he tends to touch and hug me often, even tried to hold my hand, kissed me on the cheeks for no reason,. BUT at those moments he mostly had a couple of drinks, which makes it very confusing). I told my boyfriend about the guy and he's very understanding about it all (we can talk about everything). I have the feeling that me and my boyfriend are like best friends and I really don't want to hurt his feelings by leaving him (he's still madly in love with me). I'm also afraid of losing him as a friend if we would break up. I'm very unhappy with this situation and just don't know what to do. I've tried to forget about the other guy and I've avoided contact with him, but he always seems to pop back into my life.
I know I'll eventually have to make some decisions, but I would appreciate some of your insights. Do you think the other guy is interested if he only gets touchy feely when drunk? He does email or text me quite often too... but other than that he's not giving any obvious signs of interest.

[Homegirl 50]

If he is only showing signs when he's had too much to drink then he is an inappropriate drunk and should not be touching you and you should not allow it. Set some boundaries!
You need to have a talk with your boy friend. His feelings for you seem to be more than yours to him. Does he know you are not physically attracted to him? How old are the two of you that you have been together 7 years?
Maybe you want to have a total relationship with someone, not just a friendship. You owe it to your boy friend to let him know this.
Maybe it's time for you and he to call it quits. To keep him hanging on because you don't want to lose the friendship is not fair to him.

Get this relationship straight before you start getting goopy-eye over someone else.

[acciosnivellus]

Whoa, 7 years is a long time to be with someone that you aren't physically attracted to and not in love with! That is an issue in itself. On the other hand, I don't think you can fall in love with someone who pops in and out of your life in a year. That sounds more like infatuation, he provides that "spark" that you never had in your current relationship. An exciting spark does not equal love.

It's very unfair to string your boyfriend along when you care for him only on a friend level. Not to belittle how much you care about him, but it's not fair to him that he thinks you feel deeper than that. I would say that you can't expect that exciting "in love" feeling to still be there after 7 years, but I take from your post that you have not felt these feelings for him previously. You're not doing him any favors by continuing to date him out of fear of hurting him.

This is the issue you should be concerned with right now. Not other guys or their feelings for you. If you can talk about anything with your boyfriend, then by all means, bring up these huge issues! If this relationship ends, then at least the guy can start healing and move on with his life, instead of being mislead for years and years!

[NukeNC]

You don't stay with someone for 7 years that you aren't in love with on some level. I think your judgement might be a little clouded due to this new guy entering your life. Its making you doubt your feelings for your boyfriend because its new and exciting. You need to make a decision about what you want. But, it would be pretty hard to keep your boyfriend in your life if you break up with him after 7 years and the feeling isn't mutual. Just sit down, and sort out your feelings. Imagine your life without your boyfriend and with this other guy. What would make YOU happy?

[hopeC]

7 years, is the most comment time to get itchy feet, when dating or in marriage. Hope you are not getting confused feelings, but its not fair on your boyfriend. You are going to have to be honest with him. People who have been married for years all have 1 thing in common, they are best friends.
Still you can't help feel the way you do, maybe spice things up, tell him you bored. Be careful though not to toy with emotions or you may land up losing them both. Affection comes from connecting not alcohol.
Do something different with your boyfriend, get exciting!!

[BBKittyKat]

There is no right or wrong. People go into relationships for all sorts of reasons. Some want companionship, some want passionate love. What do YOU want? If u are not contented with your current relationship, take a break, see how it goes. 7 years is a long time and it is a relationship to be cherished, not thrown away because u suddenly realize there is someone more exciting around the corner. Take some time to think about what u really want before making a decision that could possibly hurt yourself and someone u love.

As for this new guy, he is not respectful and has not shown any real signs of interest. Do not even include him in the equation.

[Chloeee81]

To answer some questions and reply to some of your posts:
I don't want to believe that the other guy is just an inappropriate drunk, he only acts that way around me, none of his other female friends. Perhaps he needs the alcohol to get over his shyness to show me that he wants to be more than friends or something. It's childish and a turnoff, but I like him a lot nonetheless.
I'm 25 years old (and so is my boyfriend, the other guy is a couple of years younger), we have been living together for over 6 years. I think that the main thing that attracted me to my boyfriend was (and still is) his amazing personality. He's the nicest person I've ever met. I had an unhappy childhood and he probably gave me what I was missing in my life: a lot of love and affection. I didn't really see any big problems with the physical attraction being absent, I figured that I couldn't feel that way about anyone (I always received attention from other men, but the feeling was never mutual). But the other guy proved me wrong: there's a very strong physical attraction and I find it hard to fend him off when he tries to hold my hand or put his arm around me, because in a way that's what I want. Avoiding contact with him is difficult because we work for the same company and sometimes he swings by my office to say hi or sends me an e-mail that I just have to answer and we see each other on 'after work parties'.
Everything that I've told you here, I've told my boyfriend. And despite all of this, he wants to stay with me. I've tried to break up with him once before because I missed the romance in the relationship and he said that he couldn't live without me (he was so emotional that I actually feared he would do something to himself). I felt so bad, that I just couldn't push through and break up.
I think there are two options now, and I feel that the first one is the safe one to go with.
- telling the other guy we can't see each other anymore and trying to get some romance in my current relationship (no idea how, tho). The thing that scares me is that I could have the same problem in a few years, with another guy or the same one…and the situation with my current boyfriend might be more complex then (married, children,…)
- breaking up with my boyfriend and staying single for a while to figure out whether I'm just having a crush on the other guy or whether there's more to it.

[hopeC]

Do Not Lead Me to Temptation!You have very mixed emotions, you speak about your boyfriend that as I can only describe as what women want. You have made it clear you are not attracted to him and what can you do, it's the way you feel, but that happens in most relationships, we get a bit bored, you might be enjoying the attention of the new addition and makes you feel alive so to speak but it could be temporary. I can't help feel you have a lot to loose, your boyfriend sounds really what most women seek. Have a deep think and group yourself together, what is it you really want, spice up your life, don't loose something good. Hope you make a good decision.

[talaniman]

I have to be honest, for a couple who talks about everything, but can't resolve the issues between you, says a lot about how this relationship works. I think you either commit to working on things to make it better, or work on yourselves apart.

But the last thing you need is a distraction from what's the right thing for you to do. Fresh faces can be very tempting, at first, and fun, but that's no guarantee that things will stay fresh, and fun.

You better decide which path you want to follow before, you go chasing what makes you feel good.

[answerme_tender]

Well I can see were you have been with your boyfriend for so many years that you never took the time to date around!! I guess I am taking this from different perspective. You are only 25yrs old, and you apparently are NOT ready to settle down with your boyfriend. Just because you have been together for 7years doesn't mean that you have too. If you are not FULLY committed to him in EVERY aspect then it maybe time for you to take a break and explore your options.

I would hate to see you decide to stay with your boyfriend because you feel you owe him anything, then later perhaps after getting marrried feel like you are trapped in a loveless situation. Those type of relationships seem to cause unhappyness, wondering eyes,emotional abuse!

I really think you need to make a choice to perhaps take a break and see what or whom you truly want in life. It may end up that neither one of the men are what you need. Remember that true success and happiness starts from within. But, before pursuing anything outside your relationship with your boyfriend, give him the due respect he DOES deserve and let him go. Also one more note, while you are out seeking other options remember you are giving him up, and that will also allow him to seek other options, and he may find other options better suited for him. Make sure you willing to take that risk.


Take care

[I wish]

I think it's best for you to take a complete time out from both guys so that you can reflect on what you really want objectively and without the influence of both guys.

Is it possible to take a vacation away from both guys? If you can't, then I think it's better for you to avoid both guys for a while until you sort it out in your mind. Every time you talk to one of them, your soft spot kicks in and you're going to be swung either way.

It's not a good idea to stay with your boyfriend out of pity and fear. You want to stay with him because you love him and you believe that you have a future together.

As for the other guy, he's the perfect rebound in waiting. If you decide to break up, then he's going to be there to be your safety net. How is that fair to him? Do you really want to start a new relationship like that?

I strongly suggest that you keep away from both guys and figure out what it is you want before taking the next step.

[hopeC]

I totally agree in what you saying.

[vanheart]

I agree with Tal.

Don't string your boyfriend along. Honestly, he should be having second thoughts about you.

How would you react if your boyfriend had designs on someone else?

No sense being with someone you aren't !00% with. That's just cruel.

Either commit or end things. Follow your gut.