[l8trga8tr]

Where to begin? I married at 17 due to not having a stable home and marriage being the only option. He was a loser, no kids thank GOD! I divorced at 19 and went out on my own. I was sexually abused as a child and I think this will come into play with the way things are today.

I met my current husband when I was 21 and he was 28. I think I was infatuated by the idea of him rather than "In Love" with him but we were inseparable only after he booted the married woman he was dating. He is very flirty with everyone, from the Wal-Mart cashier to the Sonic girl. It is annoying. We had a child in 03 and married in 05. We explored a bit in the swinger lifestyle and that didn't end so well. It ended with a girl being a bit too friendly and he loves to flirt. Feeling the need to "payback" I found a willing man to partake in conversation and other things and eventually that ended in exposure, guilt and regret. I would never do that again... lesson learned.

I do love my husband but it seems like all the other relationships around me have disappeared. My relationship is hurting with my mother, my best friend and any other friends I had along the way. It seems as if he gets annoyed or aggravated by any other people I may want to spend time with. He checks my phone, my wallet, my email, my FB but says he trusts me. There are days when he is home and I am working but I don't ask every detail of his day. If I have to stay late at work, even though I work 2 miles from home, he gets so antsy and leaves the house and ends up in my area. It is like I am constantly on trial. I understand some of his feelings and why he has them but honestly I would never do anything like before. I have really had a change of heart toward him. I love him and I respect him but that is starting to fall apart.

I think it is important to have relationships outside your partner, not sexual or even with the opposite sex, but just maybe have my best friend back. No one asks me to do anything because they know he gets ill and upset. He broadcasts all our problems to everyone. I am not blaming him entirely because I know I caused a lot of hardship and he was kind to forgive but I feel like this should be a two-way street. I am not the only one who caused hardship on the marriage... we both did.

He eats like a pig, he tries to be way too metro and he acts as if he is the best man on earth. He does bring flowers, gives massages, etc but I also work my butt off. His schedule is unpredictable and I am the one who makes sure everything is done, bills are paid, house is clean, home cooked meals and I bring home a hefty paycheck. Sometimes I wonder if he is starting an early mid-life crisis, is he insecure, is he controlling or did I make him this way? Please help before it is too late.

[Bill_D]

Well, Let me start by saying I'm not an expert, however I have had some of the same experiences. It sounds to me like he is insecure, probably caused by past behavior of the both of you. I would suggest professional counseling if you want to get beyond this. He should also lend a hand around the house and other areas no doubt about that. I know something's about the swing lifestyle and for some it ends in separation and others it works while it works if that makes any sense. You guys need to set down and talk, communication is most important at this time. I hope this helps a little.

[l8trga8tr]

Thanks Bill. I have tried professional counseling in the past and the counselor seemed overwhelmed with things I have been through so I gave up. I was sexually abused my a family member, had a child die, my mother's boyfriend of 10 years decided all of a sudden that I was attractive and he wanted to be with me instead... and these are only a few. I am not a law breaker, on drugs, have addictions or anything else of that nature. I just wish I could get through to him and make his realize that I do appreciate all he does and that he can trust me but I have to get some time away. He is negative toward people and highly judgmental. He doesn't like overweight people, people with excessively long hair, smokers, and the list goes on and on. My theory is if a person is happy let them do whatever they want. If they are happy being fat than so be it. He merely thinks he is perfect. When he does something for me, flowers or dinner, etc, I am constantly reminded of it. Last year I took him to New Orleans during Mardi Gras for his birthday. He threw a huge fit because I didn't pack him a present to give to him while we were there. He is very inattentive to me though, I never receive gifts on my birthday, valentines, christmas or other occasions unless I buy it myself and he reimburses or I pick it out. It is the small things that really end up pissing me off. I am picky and I totally have OCD when it comes to the house or the way things are done but isn't the flip-side being he could live with a total slob who just doesn't care? He has came a long way since he met me. He now has more than he ever would and he constantly has to tell people what he does have. It is really getting to me.

[Bill_D]

Well,from what your saying it sounds like he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. You need to talk this over with him and if that and professional help won't work then u have to really decide what is ultimately good for you. Sounds like a lot for you to deal with that's for sure

[Prince 711]

This is something that happened to me as well. I was cheated on and I was extremely flirty too but I never crossed the line of cheating or even touching any other woman and she did because she tought I did...
Anyway if your 100% honest now and you changed you have nothing to worry about leave everything you do out in the open for him to check when ever he needs and you WILL gain his trust again...
I know this 100% because I trusted her more then ever after because she proved it to me that she changed and won't ever hurt me like that again.. this won't happen over night but in yrs it took me almost two years to trust her again,

But I changed I became more helpful around the house and that's something you should talk to him about too.

This might not be the same for you it might be a lot faster if you know what to say to him...
Hope you the best hang in there

[Trueblu]

I have to say this, we are NOT all responsible to what happens to us in Life. We are responsible to how we respond. You past is in the past. It was done to help you and teach you how strong you can be if you listen and learn an improve. We can't develop if we try to go back to the familiar. If you expect change you have to courageous and do something different. Insantity is doing the same things and expecting a different result. You war is not him. He is being who he think he is. Your battle is you. You see we can manage supplies and money. But we CANNOT manage others. We develop them by being a great example in the midst of controversy. Help him by being a great example. So no to things that you know will lead to jealously and discontent. Share you relationship w/ people whom you both trust. Make new friends. Talk about rekindling you relationship w/ relatives (mother, brother, sister) and do it together. Trust comes from doing things together. Not alone or in secret. Stay away from secret phone calls and internet chat. The best thing is learn from his behavior, if you know what makes him upset, do what you know makes him smile. Ask questions to find out other things about him. Its easy to get marriedm staying married is the challenge. If you asked me how I stayed married for 22 years. I'd saym its because one of us sacrificed being right all the time. One of us said I am sorry even when you were not in the wrong. You see love doesn't see wrong. Its see another human being who needs love. Let the past be a lesson tool. But never live in it or make excuses for it. You are stronger for it. I hope this helped in some way. Be encouraged.