[lilly12345]

Am I over jealous and upset by things that only exist in my head? Let me know what you think.
My husband and I have been together for the last 5 years, we have 3 kids. He met this girl at work about 3 months ago and straight away she became such a good friend, he became so close to her, chatting up with her on text at impossible times and meeting up with her everyday at work for chatting... I met her, she is a very nice girl, friendly, chatty, a bit younger and I could feel some kind of vibe between them... or was it just me being over jealous at the time. He says it is only friendship.
I hate the way he talks about her, at the beginning it was every single day and the way he smiled and sounded excited every time he would receive a message from her or he would talk about her. Now, she left her job and no longer works with him. But the discussions carry on. And the meetings too. Less often than before I must admit.
He went out with her and some friends once, I did not think too much of it until he admitted he had spent almost all evening just with her because most her friends left; he bought her a small present to celebrate her new job: it took him almost a week to say this to me and I had to dig it out myself.
Now he met up again with her (on his own! )and it is kiss kiss at the end of each FB message, from him but not from her I must admit, lots of hugs from him and can't wait to meet up again, I have had such an amazing night, I am missing so much our chatting sessions... I did not mean to check on him but he left his FB page opened on the PC.
At first, I went actually super mad when he told me he was meeting her on his own: just for professional reasons he said (because they still do similar work) (!! ). To catch up on her work life. It sounds like he is having fun with her and although I know he loves me, this situation with this girl is driving me crazy and especially the way he answers back to her because it sounds so much more than just "friendly". She says jump and he says how high? She says let's meet up and there is no problems or tiredness to do that, always up for it, while spending that much time with us or even having evening chats with me can be difficult: "am tired, need to relax!" He chats with her on FB when I am sat next to him in the evening and we have not seen each other all day. Every time he chats with her this is when he is back to home. Priority to her? What happens to his family?
When I tell him I feel really uncomfortable about the way he speaks about her, and how much time he actually allows himself to spend with her, and the circumstances in which he meets her... then he puts everything back in my face and just says I am selfish, jealous and I don't trust him, it is only professional, no feelings whatsoever, just a mate and if he was feeling anything else going on between them then he would stop everything. He says I am stressing him out by thinking like that and it is not good for me. Why does he talk to her like that then? Why does he send this kind of messages to her? Kiss kiss to a professional friend colleague?? When we are having sex, I am not sure anymore that he is actually making love to me. Sometimes I wonder if he is not aroused by somebody else.

[medic-dan]

From my point of view, male, he needs to step back. You are his wife and the mother of his children. The fact that he throws it back at you shows that he's supporting her, not you. Something is wrong.

Can you get him to go to a marriage counselor? I do think you both need to talk now, before something happens. Whether he likes it or not, the signals he's giving you are also being picked up by her. She must know what is going on unless she's also in denial.

Can a guy have female friends, yes. Do they Facebook all the time and "kiss kiss" at the end of messages? No.

Try to get him to go. If he doesn't, you should still.

Good luck.

[Homegirl 50]

His actions with this girl is inappropriate for a married man Period.
You guys might do better with some counseling, talk to someone objective so he can see he is being inappropriate.

[DoulaLC]

Totally agree with the others... very inappropriate from both a marriage point of view and a business point of view... I'd like him to explain how if it is only professional, why end chats with "kiss, kiss"? I seriously doubt he does the same when he talks to "John" or "Bill" at work. You just do not put yourself in a situation that can cause your spouse to be so uncomfortable.

To turn it back on you is a cop out. He should be respectful enough to back off on his conversations since he knows it bothers you.

By your account, he is acting like a smitten school boy!

Since he apparently does not see a problem with his behaviour, I think counseling, as both medic-dan and Homegirl mentioned, would be a very good thing to consider.

[lilly12345]

Thanks a lot for your answers. I feel happy to know am not the only one thinking something is weird there. Have had many chats with him about it, always ending in the same manner: what's wrong with me? Am I not trusting him? I do and I want to but when I see what he says to her, it really hurts me. It's not just professional, it is like he finds something in her that he lost in me. OK, we are not going out anymore but somebody needs to look after the kids. Now he has this new friend he found a get out and an excuse to get out more frequently, having the fun and all that goes with it, while I beat myself up for wondering what is wrong with me? That's the way this makes me feel: something is wrong with me. I don't know how to bring things on the table anymore. I don't want to argue anymore and I would like him to open his eyes rather than thinking am just being silly.

[Marleygirl]

You need to trust your gut on this one. And if your gut is telling you this doesn't feel right, it isn't. I would not put this down to jealous behavior on your part - the way he is behaving is completely inappropriate and unacceptable. I don't think your gut will ever feel at ease with them spending time together, developing their bond, and out of respect for you he should cut all ties with this woman - block from Facebook, delete her number, etc - there can be no compromises with regard to keeping her in his life. There is obviously an attraction - and that is human nature, and not "wrong" but it is wrong that he is actively pursuing this relationship. This might not be a physical affair, but I would say it is an "emotional affair" which for some wives can be more devastating than a physical one. Never mind the danger of the "emotional" eventually becoming "physical" - all it takes is a few glasses too many and an opportunity. Dangerous ground.

The safest thing for him is to cut all ties with this woman. Nip it in the bud. He will try throw accusations like "you don't trust me" or "this is your issue with jealousy, not mine" but don't back down. Your behaviour is not the issue - his behaviour is. Have a chat, try get him to see your side of the story. Imagine if you were behaving like this with a male friend. How would he feel?

Try get to the crux of why he is doing this. What needs are being met by this woman? Is it a self-esteem issue? Does this woman feed his ego? Does she provide an escape from the nitty gritty of family life with three young children? Counseling might assist in getting to the route of the problem.

[Jake2008]

There is nothing wrong with you. His actions are causing you to have legitimate concerns over his motives and actions. For him to turn this around and imply that you are being the unreasonable one, in my book, only means he's more guilty.

There is a difference between a friendly work relationship with a person, because you work with them, and a relationship outside of work.

The former cannot be helped, the latter is a choice.

He sounds infatuated with this woman. He likes the attention, and it is a diversion from everyday life that involves the chaos of a busy house, noisy kids, and cutting the lawn. He's living in a little bubble where he feels freedom, and he likes it.

Sounds to me like he needs a reality check. Perhaps you should be going out more, when he gets home. Let him deal with dinner, homework, baths. A subtle but appropriate reminder what life is like for YOU while he's online chatting with her. I think she'd grow weary of conversations that are interjected with "Oh my God, the two year old just poured a bottle of ketchup on her brother- hang on!", or "Sorry have to go, kids are screaming and the dog just ate the curtains".

I would also be inclined to send her a text, and invite her over for dinner Friday night. She likely won't show up, but the message is, I know who you are, and I'd like to have you over to my house so I can make you as uncomfortable as possible. :p

Get a little creative, make sure you are in the picture, preferably right smack in the centre between the two of them, and see if this can't be nipped with a little tweak here and there.

[talaniman]

I can't see my wife letting me get away with the stuff your husband does. Maybe you have been too trusting, and too willing to let him do whatever. Tell hubby that you need two or three days a week when he baby sits, and you go out. If he balks, go in the bedroom close the door, and let him get pizzed. Or maybe you get some baby sitters, and go out with him, to have some couple fun, or burn the toast, or put his pillow on the porch... or as my wife would have done, shove his phone so far up his a$$ he has to text with his ears. Be creative and honest. Show your displeasure.

Tell him its not a matter of trust, or jealousy but, while he is having fun with her, you sit home, and have no fun at all, or would he trust you, when you go for drinks with a male friend.

He uses excuses because you go for them, and when you stop he will have to come up with something better. Like paying attention to his wife.

[blueiris982551]

Yep, this is an affair especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable, dejected and shut out. You should come first in his life. I guarantee he knows it's not normal. Although I think it's OK to have opposite sex acquaintances I don't think it's acceptable to chat in the evenings, meet up alone, share info that you wouldn't share with your spouse or keep the interactions secret. Shame on him! I had a married colleague attempt to start an emotional affair with me by sending emails, IMs and texts to me in the evening. I told him to stop contacting me and invest his time with his family. I wonder how someone that is so blessed to have a lifetime partner and family can just dismiss it, become greedy and want more. Good luck and make sure to put your foot down!

[lilly12345]

Thanks all for your support and advice. I addressed the problems to my husband and he listened to me this time. He ensured that he was not cheating, that he was only loving our children and me and that he was only true to himself and that he had no feeling whatsoever for anybody else... she was only a friend, a professional relation. She is a very nice person and he really likes her. I kind of knew this already. He went out with her and some other friends-colleagues and their partners, and this girl's boyfriend was part of the crew as well. I was not so happy about it, again I would remain at home, with the kids, not like I don't like it but I'd rather spend an evening with my husband than having him partying somewhere else with other people. He ensured me again that it was for work and professional reaosns only and he did not want to go. He made me believe that. But how many people go out nightclubbing with their mates-colleagues on Saturday night?? Anyway... I thought I would give hime a chance anyway. Recently, I went through his phone text messages. Sorry, can't help it. I found some messages, saying this: from him to her: "I regret I could not stay so long, I hope you dont hate me for this, you are such an amazing person. I regret we only had a short one to one"... he says that while he was going out with her and her boyfriend!! I wonder what the boyfriend would think of that!! And she replies: "we can have a 1 to 1 anytime you have some free time." He said to me on his way back from the nightclub that he had cut the night out short because he did not want to carry it on any further... and he says that to her! I feel really hurt about this. Am disguted.