[xxalybabesxx]

I really want to die, I have a problem with self harm and have had it for 4 years.
I've tried everything to stop but I can't. You have no idea how hard its been, I've lost 5 of my friends to a group suicide and then my fiancée (Don't go on, I know I'm 16 and I don't care) hung himself as a result of constant abuse from his foster family, I had my wrists slashed as a kid by my evil parents and since then I shudder at the sight of a bathtub, but I can handle a razor all to well, my arms, legs, wrists and stomach look like something out of a horror movie and I'm ashamed, I have yet to tell someone and I just can't stop. I have no friends since they all killed themselves and I get beaten by the other kids, just for being me, they call me "fag" or "emo" and I hate it, the guys will punch, which is bad, but the girls' spiteful words and comments hurt all the more, my brothers are all crackheads and like me, are cutters, except the one, who prefers to burn himself. I guess I learnt it from them, but my parents did it to me and I actually only feel like I'm in control an it's up to me when I cut, like almost my entire mind is dripping out of me, but it's actually blood. I've been considering suicide for so long that it haunts me#, even in my dreams I commit suicide or try to. I was diagnosed with depression early last year and have put on a fake smile and have being saying I no longer cut and I'm over it, but I'm NOT. I hate my life, it's not that I want to die, I just don't want to be me.

[tickle]

Get used to be you being you.

[Evonne_6965]

So be you. Killing youeself is not the answer. Have you tried going to church and joining one their help groups? Maybe you need a positive mentor in your life. Someone that you can look up to like a big brother. When you think about killing yourself just sit back and take a deep breath and pray, ask God to guide you with your problems, ask him to carry you until you no longer have this urge to do harm to yourself. Your to young to feel like this there is help out there. You have your whole life ahead of you. I just read an article about a young girl tha has been homeless just about all of her life. She and her family(mother and sister) went from shelter to shelter and she changed schools so many times that it made it hard to really make friends. This young lady not only finished school but she went to Harvard on scholarships. I'm telling you this because she also had a hard life and she was ashamed of her life but she did not let this keep her back. You also can get through this and go one with your life and become whatever you want. Just don't give up,ask God for the power to go on, and you will be fine in the long run. Stay positive.

[Alty]

You said that you were diagnosed with depression. Are you taking medication for that? Are you in counseling for it? What did the doctor suggest after giving you a diagnosis?

Have you told anyone about the abuse that you've suffered from your parents? Is there a family member you can talk to about this, an Aunt, Uncle, or older cousin? Can you talk to your school counselor?

There's help out there, but it's up to you to get it. Suicide isn't the answer, getting help is.

[angelstrumpet]

Ahhhhh love, this is a tough one.

First, please, take a few breaths to steady yourself. Walk away from your situation and accept that it is bigger than you are at the moment. Try to distract yourself by watching a movie or going on a walk. Don't do anything rash, because you are valued and loved. And if you say, by who, then I say by the world. Don't think about the people in your life who have let you down, who have lead you astray. Every individual on this planet has potential and is worth living for. Please, never forget that.

Some of the things you mentioned; like hurting yourself, etc. are very dangerous, destructive behavious and you don't deserve to be treated that way by yourself. You are speaking from a very low point, but it can get better for you. How, you say! How can things get better? When we are at our rock bottoms, there is no where else to go but up. Good for you for choosing to live. Everyone, including myself is lucky to have you alive.

As much as we all hate the thought of counseling and seeking help, it may be time for you to do just that. You've been diagnosed with depression, are you also seeking counseling? Sounds like you also are in a very unhealthy environment . Maybe by seeking help, you can get yourself out of the environment and out of your own head.

You need to get someone to help you. Too many people spend too much time trying to help themselves and it's just too hard when the situation is bigger than you. I hope this helps you.

[jennife]

hi,
Please take a deep slow breath, seems strange, but this does help. Breathing deeply helps to calm your nerves and gather your thoughts. Your depression is understandable. Allow yourself to experience this deep emotion for a time. Considering everything that has happened and your young age (yes, I understand you don't feel/think you're young, but you are... at least that's how I felt at your age) I went through similar things as a young teen, older teen, and young adult. Depression is quite difficult because it truly seems that no one understands you and what you're feeling and that you have no escape. I get that, really. Suicide is not the way to get out of this emotion/feeling/existance. You must find strength to carry on until these experences assimilate into your psyche. These memories will always be with you, accept that; don't fight it. Accept it as a sad, truamatic time in your life and LEARN from it. I can not express to you how much these experiences will strengthen you as you grow mentally and emotionally, and you will grow if only you allow yourself to do so. Time is another factor along w/ acceptance of what has happened. Yes, I know, tic toc, it seems endless. Time seemed to stand still or even go backwards for me; I desperately wanted to get out of my own skin, become someone else, leave the planet, kill myself, something. Today, I am thankful that I did not kill myself. I still would like to get out of my own skin sometimes, as I still deal w/ depression to this day. The difference is, I made a decision to learn something/'anything from the horrid, disgusting things I was either doing to myself, witnessing or things that were being done to me against my will. Actively DECIDE to do this, and do it, stick to it, do it in every sad, scary, interesting, fun, boring, exciting, happy, etc. situation you experience. (choose to learn something from your experiences) life, your life and mine, everyone's life, is for the purpose of experiencing the physical which includes the good, bad and ugly things we find ourselves a part of at one time or another, whether by choice or otherwise. You are a spiritual being in a physical body. Never forget that. It does not matter what your religion is, or if you have one at all. It just is. DECIDE to come to peace with the loss of your friends and fiancee'. With each passing day, the weight of these losses will become slighlty lighter on you and your mind. So slight in fact, it may not be noticeable at first. Again, remember time; add to that, patience. You MUST BE WILLING TO DO THIS. If you CHOOSE to dwell in the past/sad memories of your losses, your mind will be unable to make progress. You will be unable to gain strength from these experiences. You are dreaming of suicide because you have given so much thought to it, to doing it. These intense thoughts have so deepely permiatted your conscious mind, that they are now part of your subconscious mind. I would be surprised if this didn't happen, considering. This is why you are dreaming about it. These dreams will reoccur for a time, but will eventually fade. I am not asking this question to be mean or to taunt you. I also want you to ask YOURSELF this question. Do you want to continue to feel this way; stay in the abyss? My hope is that you will soon be able to sincerely answer 'no' to this question. Seems silly, after all, who would choose to remain depressed, cutting themselves and suicidal, right? Its just that sometimes, especially when depression stems from a series of traumatic experiences such as you've described and /or the abuse coming from ones family, it is quite difficult for one to pull up and out of or away from the darkess that seemingly surrounds you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Is there anyone a bit older, preferably a female, who you can talk with? Do you still attend school? Even if only sometimes? I understand that it is probably difficult for you to trust. That's OK. This too will change if you so decide, after some time and effort. As for now, even if you can find someone you can talk with who you may not fully trust, or not trust at all, (not meaning put yourself in danger, make sure you trust them enough that you know you will not be in harms way, physcially or mentally- by the possibility of their repeating what you've said/gossip)you should talk about what u wrote about. Not to so much get any answers or advice, but just to have someone listen and hear your pain. If they do offer advice, listen, but never forget that it is YOUR CHOICE to follow the advice. Do you live with your parents still? Is there anywhere safe you could stay? Your family, from what you've written, are doing you no good, haven't done you good in past and most likely will never be there for you; with the possible exception of your siblings. Accept this and move on. It is their loss. A day may come when they realize this and make attempts to become a part of your life again. If/when this happens, remember your lessons and choose wisely. Harming a child, as you explain happened to you at the hands of your parents is unacceptable. So, again, if/when they come to their senses, think long and hard before you allow them near you. There is NO SHAME in the purposeful action of permanently removing harmful, negative people from your life, even if they are your parents. Be sure that you do not hold hatred, resentment or contempt in your heart/mind for them/anyone. This will only harm you. Concern yourself w/ releasing/letting go of those negative emotions AFTER you get yourself to a safe place, away from them. Truly letting go will take time, so , don't rush w/ this. But be steady w/ your intentions when u start the process of foriving/letting it go.. I made the decision to totally separate myself from my mom. She and my stepfather (my father died when I was 3) physically and mentally abused me for years. This was all I knew. I HATED them. Looking back I realize my life did and continues to have value and purpose. Back then, I felt worthless, ugly, weird…and I wanted to die. I thought about it often/many times a day. When I got a bit older, I married a very good friend of mine. I got pregnant; our child grew. I reconnected w/ my mother. I was extremely uncomfortable around her. I had put up w/ so much abuse as a child and teen, being in her presence still made my skin crawl. Because I felt like the piece of sh*t she always told me I was, I did nothing because I believed her, still. Then, something odd happened. My mother, daughter (3yrs old) and I were in her kitchen. I was painting my daughters nails red. My mother said something to the effect of, 'she's going to grow up to be a whore if you keep that up!' she had told me things like that too, as well as other cruel things like, she, 'wished I'd never been born because I couldn't hold her like a man'. 'I should become a prostitute because all I did was lie on my back' (I slept a lot because I was depressed) and many other vulgar things throughout my childhood and teen years. But it wasn't till she said a similar lie about MY CHILD, that I found my inner strength to stand up to her. . My point is, I love my child so much, I stood up for her right then and there and ended it. So, why didn't I ever stand up for myself, I thought. I never did because I had become accustomed to the abuse. Brainwashed to believe the lies. You are NOT WORTHLESS. You have never been and you never will be. Do not believe their bs. Remove yourself from these people who pollute your mind w/ such lies. There is a chance that when your brothers grow older, that they will have changed for the better. We all change, eventually. I would be more open to listening to them if/when they would like to reenter your life later, much later.. for now, stear clear of them too. If you write back, please tell their ages as well as if you've found a safe place. As for the others calling you names, I went through that too. I had very blonde hair/almost white. I was odd looking. I was shy. I got beat up a lot. When I was in my teens, I wore all black ALL THE TIME. I rarely spoke to anyone, no longer because I was shy, but because I distrusted everyone and it was extremely difficult to get the negative things that were going on in my house out of my head. I never smiled. Strangers at school would ask,'why don't you smile?' Or,'why do you always look so sad?' I just felt like smashing their heads against the wall because I thought that they would never in a million years understand 'why I don't smile'. I too felt alone and misunderstood. I thought no one knows how I feel. Life didn't get better fast/overnight, but it did get better. As I wrote before, I still have some depression, but I have made the decision to move forward and get on with what's left of my life. Please make the decision to do the same. Do not wait as long as I did. The world may seem crazy, at least it does to me, but, I do know that in spite of that and all the turmoil I went through, life IS WORTH EXPERIENCING. All of it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Change your perception of life. Think of life as a school of purpose. Imagine difficult or sad experiences and hard choices as oppourtunities to learn, gain wisdom and strength; positive experiences have much to teach us as well. Pay attention; recognize these lessons for what they are. The learning will follow. Everyone has a story filled with joy and pain inside them. Respond to situations instead of reacting w/o thinking first. Life is a challenge, accept the challenge, you will be happy you did. And please write a lot. Keep journals. I started to write when I was 15. I still write to this day and I'm 45. It is extremely helpful. Put your pain on paper and let it go-destroy the paper.. . Start by writing at least one sentence a day. More if you feel like it, but at least one. If only one, make it about something good/positive that happened to you or that you saw. Even if it is only something like, 'the sunset was beautiful today'. You must start somewhere, then continue with this. Keep the positive writings and read them at later times. Yes, the memories will remain,slowly fading over time. The pain will eventually subside. Wisdom and acceptance will replace the pain. And you will go on living, learning and will be able to help someone else along because of all that you have learned from your own experiences, good and bad. Allow yourself to experience joy and happiness when these opportunities present to you, and they will, look for them. Do not hold yourself back in the dark place you are in now. When you feel the need to cut, please write, scream into a pillow, or out loud, jog…do something to release the energy that is compelling you to cut. This has become a habit, so, you must commit and decide to replace this habit w/ a beneficial, healthy and or harmless habit. CUTTING MUST be replaced by/with something else.-NOT DRUGS/ALCOHOL. Cutting is a coping mechanism that many do to relieve emotional pain, for the moment. When you cut, your brain releases endorphines in response to the pain. The endorphines temporarily make you feel better.. and/or take your mind off what you are thinking about that is painful. And like you mentioned, allows you to be in control. However, You have more control than you think. You have nothing to feel shamed about. You are worth far more than you realize. I promise you this. I know this. Changing your circumstance will be a definite challenge, but it can be done and will be done when you DECIDE AND COMMIT TO MAKING THE NECESSARY CHANGES to live, not just exist.. there is nothing wrong with asking for help, so ask someone you trust. Keep asking until you get the help you deserve. But not from your family mentioned in your question. You were diagnosed w/ depression. Do you still see this doctor? Have you tried counsiling? Please give it a chance. Tell your dr. about the cutting. Soon someone will notice and tell; wouldn't it be better if YOU were in control of who knows and when? Know and BELIEVE that your life is changing, NOW, for the better. Keep this knowing in your mind. Replace the bad thoughts with this thought every time. Eventually it will become automatic to think this, know and believe this to be so. You must truly know and believe this EVEN IF/WHEN YOUR EYES/EARS/EMOTIONS TELL YOU OTHERWISE. Be open to the blessings that are here for YOU. Whether to me or someone else who responded to your post, please post again soon. J

[jennife]

p.s. forgot to give you these numbers.. 800 for a child-(800 422 4453)-will get you help w/ the violence in your home.
800 273 talk-call when you feel really bad and when you think of suicide, someone will answer 24 hours a day. And 800 448 4663. Don't forget to post us back. We are looking forward to hearing from you in your next post. J

[xxalybabesxx]

Hey
Thank you for the advice. I would take religious advice, but I'm atheist. I will gladly take the rest though, thank you

[xxalybabesxx]

I am supposed to be taking meds, but my parents don't really approve and say they do nothing to help me, so I have to take them in secret and sometimes I can't when they're around, I already go to an "emotionally challenged" school, so no.

[xxalybabesxx]

Ok, I can't awnser to everyone as my computer is MEGA SLOW and I have to go pack for a camp. ):
I know my problems are not going away without trying, but I am trying. Even forcing myself to tell my guidance counselor/teacher (All teachers are also psychologists at my school) But he told my parents, said it was illegal for him not too, I'm not sure about this but will Google it. They now refuse to talk to me and when they did look at me even it was just a glare. But I honestly don't care. After telling Mr Van De Merwe (Teacher) he insisted that I bring him my meds and attend a self-help camp tomorrow, I'm dreading it, sitting with a bunch of people telling me that they can help me sweetly like they actually know nothing about me, I will be the youngest to attend, the rest will be 17-18 and mainly girls, precisely 15 girls and 12 boys. My paents don't exactly know I'm going, but they'll hear it from Mr, Van De Merwe. Thanks for all of the advice and I appreciate it all, right now I still want to end it, but I won't. Thanks
-Aly xxx

[tickle]

Jennife... re post #6. Do you know how to make paragraphs? Your reply was very difficult to read, so next time, try paragraphs and warn everyone that the reply may be... long.
:)
Tick

[jennife]

Funny you should ask. I'm actually a writer-big shock there! But, yes, I am quite verbose & tend 2 ramble on in my letters & speech.. was just trying to help as best I could by sharing personal similar experiences as well as things I learned. ;)

[tickle]

:), well yes you were verbose and rambled. Thank you for not taking offence at my comment, Jennife, others would have.

Tick

[cmilne]

You can change what You want. YOU are in charge of YOU. So become something wondreful. Work hard to get out of where you are and become YOU! You are a gift from God and everyday is a gift to you. You define you... no one else does. Love yourself and live your life.