Check out some similar questions!

angelstrumpet · Jan 29, 2011, 07:34 PM

Hi guys,

I'm new here, but it looks like a good place to get some quality, honest help. The scenario is like millions of others, and like millions of other people I just don't know what to do and how to rest my mind to ease anymore.

My boyfriend and best friend for the last 4 years of my life (I am 21, he's 23) broke up with me a week before Christmas because he said he felt that the spark had gone out of our relationship and that he couldn't try to fix it anymore. He never told me his feelings prior to breaking up with me, and while I told him that we could fix things and asked him to try to fix them, he was adamant about not doing so. He said and still says that he needs time, and that he just has to figure himself out (he never went to college, left his hometown, or has done anything to seek any type of personal fulfillment and I believe he is semi-depressed because of that). Yet, he told me that he couldn't stand the thought of losing me and he still wants to talk. So for a while, I fed into that, thinking that if I played my cards right, I could gain him back. I know, big mistake. A few days ago I corrected myself and told him that we both need time and space to air out our emotions. I want to give him time to really realize what his decision entails (a.k.a-I won't be in his life anymore). Yet, he still wants to talk, and he says that even though it's not right, he just doesn't want to stop talking to me.

I don't really want to stop talking to him either because he is my world! And while, sure we fought like normal people, we were so good together! We balanced each other out and had so much love for each other. That just doesn't disappear over night and when he says he still wants to talk, I feel like I'm being tossed around in the wind like some sheets. Where can I gather up enough resolve from to concentrate on what's best for me?

I go to school 4 and 1/2 hours away from where my hometown is (where he lives) and recently came back to school for my new semester. Not seeing him, or even talking to him on the phone anymore has ripped me to shreds. I have days where I wonder how/if I'm ever going to be happy again. I know these feelings won't last forever, but it would be easier if I hated him or he was with someone else or something! I try to remain reasonable and remember how much he has hurt me and how he has thrown me out, but I just worry that all of my strength would go out like a light if he were to tell me he wanted me back in the next few months.

Sorry this was so long. Any thoughts to get me through this terrible time in my life? :/

SexDisciple7 · Jan 29, 2011, 08:02 PM

I think what's going on is that(and I know this may be hard but this is coming from a male perspective)he has found someone else and wants to continue talking to you as a sort of security blanket. Whoever he's found has some sort of potential and should it not work he wants to have things intact with you to fall back on. I say that to say that you should try to move on and do whatever to keep him out of your thoughts. Keep your mind occupied. If that is too extreme for you try to make the relationship between you platonic.Its going to take strength on your part, though.

martinizing2 · Jan 29, 2011, 08:13 PM

It would be nice if we could just shut off feelings and go on with our lives.

But in reality that doesn't happen. So the next best thing is to stop all contact and communication. No calls, no text, no Facebook, no updates from friends.

This allows you to begin the healing process and move on.
Which is what you need to do now.

So many people waste so much time trying to fan a dying flame and making the inevitable break even harder.

I have been through this and know how hard it is. But it only gets harder the longer you wait to start.

I would suggest going total no contact , and move on.

angelstrumpet · Jan 29, 2011, 08:44 PM

Thank you for your advice! I'm starting to see that the longer I wait, the harder it'll get. I really don't want this to continue and if I have any shot in another relationship, I have to deal with this baggage now. Such a harsh reality!

Comment on SexDisciple7's post

I really appreciate what you have to say, I haven't gotten enough of the male perspective. I've asked him if that was the case and he told me that he wasn't interested in anyone, nor was he ready to move on. Was he lying to spare me? Most likely!

JustinRED · Jan 29, 2011, 08:47 PM

Sorry, but the spark doesn't just "go away' and I hate when people say that. The only spark that has gone is inside of his head. You've done NOTHING wrong here. Some people get bored of treating their boyfriend/girlfriend right and find an excuse to leave to pursue other things. My friend(in regards to his now ex-girlfriend) once told me "She's a smart, beautiful, caring person.. but I just don't have feelings for her anymore, I definitely don't love her like I used to'.. Yes, he actually said this... Some people just don't see permanancy in a relationship based on anything but the initial several year feeling they get from being "In Love'. They cannot grasp that there is a difference between being "In Love' and simply "Love'. It seems to me that people like this don't love themselves enough so they seek the thrill of the love of others and only hurting others in the end. After years of having what some people wish for their entire lives, they throw it all away for no good reason other than that they can't go without that thrill of being "In Love'. They may seem tame and get along will with their partner at first and never show their true feelings until it's too late. It's true that sometimes two people cannot complete each other, but the bottom line is that there is no reason if you are in a relatively stress free relationship, why you two cannot be together while he finds himself. Relationships usually crumble under the stress of money issues; buying a home, raising children, and losing jobs.. A 23 year old man who is only at the start of his life doesn't seem to be the regular nervous breakdown, midlife crisis type.. I suspect there are other reasons he is doing this and my best advice to you is to cut off contact with him and enjoy your own life as he intends to do with his.

angelstrumpet · Jan 29, 2011, 09:02 PM

Very powerful words, thank you. Seems like all the advice I'm getting is exactly what my gut is telling me to do. Grieve and move on. I have a lot of room to grow and if I want to be happy with the right guy, I need to say goodbye to the wrong one.

acciosnivellus · Jan 29, 2011, 10:13 PM

I can see from your comments that you know what to do :) You don't deserve being tossed around like this. That can really screw with a person! My ex wanted to stay in contact too while he worked through his problems. I played along for a while, but boy did that get old. Emotional roller coaster much? Not fun. You KNOW you deserve better. You deserve someone who will openly communicate with you and work through any bumps in the road with you, instead of kicking you to the curb out of nowhere. It's even more insulting that he wants to stay in contact. If he needs to "find himself" this desperately, then give him just that. Don't contact him. Ignore everything from him. You have a lot more dignity than that! I wish I had realized this back when I was going through a similar situation. Now I know this is easier said than done, I've been caught in weak moments myself with NC, but I can definitely tell you that THIS is the way to go. It's incredibly effective and crucial for healing.

I know how you feel when you think you'll never be happy again, but you definitely will. Make sure to keep supportive friends/family near by, and do things that make you happy. Go on a shopping trip, read a book, hit the gym, do whatever makes you happy. Sure it's only temporary satisfication until that empty void hits you again, but it's important to keep yourself occupied. That void will eventually fade. I'm talking from fresh experience here, and it feels great to be this independent finally. Stay strong through this, relief will come!

angelstrumpet · Jan 30, 2011, 06:37 AM

It's so nice to know that A) someone else has been through this almost exactly and B) they got through it and it won't last forever. Thank you for sharing your insight. NC began a few days ago and will stay that way... I feel much stronger now.

vanheart · Jan 30, 2011, 10:12 PM

I feel for you. Sucks bigtime.

But the best thing for you is to start accepting & living without him.

That means No Contact whatsoever.

Requires balls. Do it.

Don't let him or the thought of getting back suck you back in.

Don't hang on & look for reasons or closure. That's a waste of time.

Don't wait around for him. Hes your ex now.

Get it. Ex. And your now free to leave people that don't want your love behind you.

talaniman · Jan 31, 2011, 05:16 AM

Peoples feelings do change, for whatever reason, we have to accept that it does happen, though that's hard when its us, and we suffer because we don't want the change. Nor do we accept it very easily.

It will pass when you get busy for yourself, and decide to move on, and end that chapter of your life, and start writing the next one. Rebuilding, and adjusting to life without that person isn't easy, and sometimes not fun, not when we let go of the past, the present will get better.

It start with a proper healing period, through stopping all contact with the ex, and learning to do your thing without them.

angelstrumpet · Jan 31, 2011, 06:44 AM

Comment on vanheart's post

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question! I'm starting to feel A LOT stronger after reading all of these responses. I need to focus on me now and realize that I can have everything and more with another person.

Comment on talaniman's post

Accepting this change has horrible. Thus, I know it happened for a reason. No matter how hard you want something, sometimes you just won't get it and you certainly can't change people. Thanks for your response. Hoping it will only get better...