[smithvickie]

My daughter just had baby for the man I have been with for eight years ,yes my daughter' crazy huh... well she has been sleeping with him for six of them [having unprotected sex obviously]/... I'm going though a lot of pain right now and they won't come around me at all. I don't know why she did that to me , I'm her mom... that hurt me very bad.. they have been doing this behind my back for six years , everyone say why I didn't see it , I think because I loved my daughter I didn't think she would do it to me. Well GOD taught me a lesson for sure don't trust no one but him... she acts as if I'm supposed to just accept what they did... I wanted to kill them both but decided to let GOD handle it .I also have a autistic daughter who is 11 years old, I need to take care of her 24 hour care why kristine did that I don't know... can you tell me how heal and stop hurting... mom hurt by daughter

[JudyKayTee]

You do realize that HE also did "this" to you, right?

What a terrible situation. You appear to be a Church going person. Have you spoken to a clergyman?

Other people knew but didn't tell you?

Only time will heal you.

I've heard people say you should write a letter to each of them, say everything you need to say, let it all out - and then BURN the letter. Do not mail it. Rise above both of them.

I'm so sorry.

[jenniepepsi]

How old is the daughter that has been with your BF?

I'm sorry you are going through this hon. Best advice I can give you is speak to your pastor/priest/ect. And get in touch with and spend time with GOOD friends, who are on YOUR side with this. Anyone who KNEW this was going on, and did not tell you all this time, are NOT your friends.

[smithvickie]

Well she's 20 as of November 2010 she will not come any where around me , he won't either , I just didn't know people could be so trifuling, its hard cause its daughter and granddaughter for the man I loved then and still do... working on getting over it.. I have be going to church first thing did was get on my knees and started praying.. cause I don't understand why he did it or why she did it... OK the reasons I'm talking about her is because she is my daughter , and if she loved me she would not have under any circumstanc let this happen to come between us. I just didn't see this coming at all... he can go he's trash we hve already established that fact... having sex with her since shee was about 14 years old , in my house... well there things that were said and things that were done when I questioned them , they both told me I was crazy and sick for thinking that... well the baby is proof that its them that's sick and crazy and trifuling... she named the baby after his mother.. is that hate or what, so her love for this nasty man [[Alfonzo Knight]][Kristine Smith]] I just hope he's worth her losing her brothers and sisters over... he is also sleeping with other women in town [lots]... pray for me and family.. thank you p.s there is a lot more to to this story, story

[jenniepepsi]

OK... so now that I have more info... I would like to know why you are blaming your daughter, instead of blaming the MAN having sex with your CHILD. I don't care how mature she is at 14, or how much she 'loves' him. She was 14 years old. That is chlid rape and abuse. She was too young to know what was going on with him.

I understand that she is an adult now. But that does NOT excuse the fact that he TOOK ADVANTAGE of your CHILD. If I am not wrong (I hope someone will correct me) there is still time to press charges of statitory rape against him before the statute of limitations expire.

Quit blaming your daughter and make the MAN pay for having sex with your daughter when she was 14.

[Alty]

This is molestation. He's an adult, she was a child. Instead of protecting her, you allowed this molester into your home, and now that you know what's been going on you're angry at your child? :(

Your daughter was put into a position no child should have to face. I'm sure she felt she couldn't turn to you. Look what happened once you found out. You blame her for being molested by your boyfriend.

How do you get through it? You tell your daughter that you're so sorry she had to go through this alone. You charge the man with rape, and you get counseling for both you and your daughter so that you can rebuild the trust you lost with her.

[JudyKayTee]

After reading the follow up explanation - if anything can explain this - have to agree with Alty.

Mother did nothing to protect this child and now blames a 14 year old for having sex (and getting pregnant by) with an ADULT?

Yes, the boyfriend should be reported and arrested and carry the sex offender title - and I'm not so sure the authorities shouldn't look at the mother.

Once again - adult rapes a child (rape because the child cannot consent) and the mother blames the child. Amazing!

[jenniepepsi]

Got to spread the rep alty. But well said. 'parents' like this just dumbfound me!

[Fr_Chuck]

I will agree, he has over the years brain washed her, I would assume you blame the daughter since you somehow and ( I don't understand) love him and want to blame the child to justify your love for him

[DoulaLC]

I get that mom didn't know this was going on, not that she was aware and just turned a blind eye to it. To the OP, did you or did you not know this man was a molester? Did you know or suspect that something might be going on? Those two things would certainly change some opinions. Giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't know:

Of course he should never have been involved with the daughter in the first place, and as an adult he is ultimately responsible, and charges should be made against him.

I don't know if some of the heat should be taken off the daughter just yet however. Only mom knows the daughter's character and what her behavior was like at that time. What was your relationship like with your daughter during this time? Some 14 year olds are naïve, innocent, and easily led, some are more worldly than many adults. If nothing else, being older now she certainly knows her behavior was not appropriate. At the time she may have been coerced, or she may have welcomed the attention. Certainly neither situation means it was OK for the events to take place.

I agree with writing them both letters, but I would actually send them. You can express concern for your daughter of not realizing what was going on and that you certainly would have stopped it if you had been aware. Offer to join her in counseling.
I wouldn't say anything to this man about pressing charges, I would just do so.

[JudyKayTee]

Sorry, Doulac, can't agree. The daughter was underage. The boyfriend was an adult. It's rape no matter what. She cannot legally consent.

If she had thrown herself at him, naked, it's still rape and HE'S the adult.

I would not advise the mother to send the daughter a letter. As far as the boyfriend, yes, I'd march myself to the Police Station.

Sorry to disagree (and I believe you know how much I have always respected your advice) but the daughter is the victim, not the temptress, no matter what.

On a very personal note - when I was raped there was a discussion about whether I was inappropriately dressed (whatever that means). I was an adult. I was NOT a consenting adult. It was rape no matter how badly "he" tried to sugar coat it.

It's a mistake to blame the victim in any way.

[martinizing2]

14!! All the ladies called this right, report him to the police. ASAP!

[DoulaLC]

JudyKayTee: From a legal standpoint it is rape, whether she was a willing participant or not. Legally he is responsible and should be charged as such. There is no question... I totally agree.

And yes, it shouldn't have happened even if she threw herself at him, however, that does happen, and some men will take advantage of that. IF that were the case in this situation, or IF she did consent without coercion, would she not be wrong to behave in such a way?

From a legal standpoint, he is certainly culpable. From a moral standpoint they both could be depending on the circumstances. To blame the mother for something she apparently was not aware of is not right. Although I believe that part might have been misunderstood. IF the OP did suspect, that would be entirely different.

Your experience was obviously not one of being a willing participant. We don't know that in this situation. Many assume the girl was forced, misled, or coerced, simply because she was 14, but that may not be the case.

IF she had thrown herself at him, naked, and been a willing participant, it's still rape, definitely, but I would be angry with her as well, as even at 14 she would know better than to behave in such a way, and that is the point I am trying to make. Certainly he bears the burden of guilt being the adult.

As an adult, he would be held accountable to stop the situation, but I would understand if the mother were upset with her daughter if that was her behavior. She wouldn't be to blame for what happened, but her behavior would be wrong.

Of course we don't know what the exact circumstances were. Either way, the daughter and mother would likely benefit from counseling if they want to rebuild their relationship and the man should be charged.

[jenniepepsi]

I completely agree doula now that I understand your point better. It is very sad how fast the girls grow up these days. And she should certianly be held accountable for her actions (though no illigal) if she was an active participant at 14.

I don't think the mom knew either. I wasn't trying to say she knew about it and did nothing. I just meant that if I was in that position, I would be more interested in putting the mans balls in a vice (not serously lol) than blaming my daughter for my ruined relationship.

[Alty]

I do see your point Doula, but I don't agree.

The fact is, a 14 year old doesn't have the maturity, the life experience, or even the fully developed brain to make a decision concerning sex. So, even if she consented, she wasn't in a position to do so. That's why there are laws about age of consent, to protect those who aren't wise enough to protect themselves. Frankly I think the age of consent is too low in the majority of areas.

The thing I find extremely unsettling is the anger the mother has toward her daughter. Even if the daughter was the town whore she was still a victim. This man is an adult, was an adult when he raped this young girl. Even if she willingly went to his bed he was the one that should have known to walk away. He didn't. The blame lies with him, but reading the mothers post it sounds like she would be willing to forgive him his transgression. She still loves him even though he molested her daughter;

its hard cause its daughter and granddaughter for the man I loved then and still do

She seems to be blaming her daughter more than she's blaming the man that took advantage of that daughter. That's just wrong.

Maybe I'm reacting this way because I was a victim of molestation and rape. One of the reasons that I never said anything was because the victims seem to be painted as worse than the perpetrators. It must somehow be our fault. We must have given some sort of okay, or, like Judy said, it was the way we were dressed. Maybe it was our makeup, or the way we did our hair, maybe we flirted with the man. It doesn't matter. No is no. Statutory rape is statutory rape, even if the victim has had 100 partners before this she's still a victim.

One thing I know for sure, if I had ever told my parents they would have stood beside me every step of the way. My dad most likely would have ended up in jail because he would have gone after the people that did what they did to me. Instead of supporting her daughter now that the OP knows, she actually hates her daughter for stealing her man. :(

[afool291]

Well what you don't know is that she willing was having sex with him behind my back in my house,. she left home 4 years ago no one knew why then... but now the whole family knows.. it was my mom the whole time ssnd said nothing to me about it..

[Wondergirl]

I'll jump back into this thread.

Comment on JudyKayTee's post
well what you don't know is tht she willing was having sex with him behind my back in my house ,..

Actually, HE was having sex with your daughter behind your back in your own house.

You're still blaming your daughter. It's really difficult to blame him, isn't it.

[afool291]

I know its easy to blame the parent but this different,, she started hitting on me and clling me names... he told ona daily basis how much she hated me... I would ask her why is he telling me you hate me, she would sy I love you mom,I don.t hate you... my mom knew and said something to her but never to me.. when I did say something that I thought wasn't right he cursed me out told I was sick,and crazy... I asked her what's going on she said nothing... his daughter and my daughter were bestfreinds [not for real] they really fooled me,I was good to both of them, we would go shoopoing ,out to lunch, they both took my kindness for weakness ,you would have to meet my daughter... the parent isn't always the problem... somtinmes it is really the [my grown daughter how has chosing to be with him and not care about her mom

[afool291]

I do blame him if you where here you would see the things they are putting me thougt, she is the who texts me and tells me that they are taking me to court,and getting blood test,, why

[afool291]

I did protect my daughter I didn't know this was happening if I did I wouldn.t been on this computer telling you about it