[kate78]

I like to know someone's idea with a similar experience. I need some help...

2.5 years ago I started dating one of my colleagues. We knew each other from 3 years before that, but each of us had partner before.

After 3 years, both of us were single and started dating. We had great time, never had problems, we spent most of our free time together, he helped me a lot in house work,. weekends always been together and there was no problem.

He told me once he had a house with his ex girlfriend of 10 years. And they were still living there as flat mates - because of recession they couldn't sell the house, after sometime I lost my job and I had some drama, he was very nice to me and helped me a lot - after a year he lost his job which was a tough time - so with all these external problems I didn't want to nag him why he still lives in that house because he couldn't afford to pay twice.

For months, I kept telling him, you should not stay there, because you wouldn't be able to get over your past - we are having a great time and this going to be ruined. But he couldn't decide what he wanted to do... we talked and talked many times, he always needed time.
Well, all this affected me badly during time, I become depressed and too sensitive. Last week, he was leaving to his house, I told him, this is the last time you leave - you have to decide to stay with me or live like that in that house! I was sooo upset,crying and keep telling him that he is destroying our good time together - I know some part of him still belong to his past and he can't cut off. At the same time he likes to spend all his time with me .
Anyway, I asked him leave my house, because I couldn't stand that situation - he said he is not ready yet to commit and live with me - but I know why? Because he is still living in the other house with all those memories...
Its been a week now , I talked to him once, he said he misses me, but he needs to think and we should talk about our future plans...
Other thing is I am not sure why they brok up? She just left him or he did something that she left - I'm not sure.

The thing is I am sooo sad, I regret a lot why should this happen, within 2.5 years we never fought over anything (except his accommodation!)... we always make each other laugh and are good companies for each other...

What going to happen next? What should I do? I am very depressed and I regret a lot... I just can't forget things... :(

[joypulv]

Wait a minute. Put the emotion aside and please answer some questions:
Do he and his ex still own the house together?
When did she move out (you say they were flat mates)?
How can he live with you if he still owns the house and can't sell it in a recession?
Have you ever been there? Is it nice? Is it a different style from yours? What if he just likes his furniture, his stuff, his arrangements? Why are you assuming it all has to do with memories?

Granted after 2.5 years it would be nice to be living together. I just think maybe you are approaching this all wrong. Has he ever hinted about you living there, or eventually selling both your places (you don't say if you own or not) and buying a new one together? Even in a recession, if yours are both sellable, that makes sense, because you will get a good deal too.

[kate78]

- yes they have the house together - she has a boyfriend and she is not at home all the time.
He has his own room and he is most of the time with me.
- she didn't move out completely I guess.
- I have rented a place, he can always live with me and move out from that place.
- yes I have been there a few times, when she was away. The house is great, but not much furniture. My house is very good too but abit smaller with much better furniture - it is not about furniture.
- last time we talked he confessed somehow he feels he misses his past life (I don't think he can anyway, because she has left him).
He told me, he can not give 100% of him to me yet... he is not ready to move in and commit... at the end he said I need to think more, I am confused :((

Buying a house together? I have mentioned that, but he always says MAYBE. He says maybe to everything, even when he wants to buy a pair of shoes! Imagine how he is when he want to take important decisions...

[Cat1864]

Does he have a job now? Was having that house and her help part of what saw him through unemployment?

There are things they can think about to get out of the house, but I have a feeling that his hesitation may not be about 'living in the past' as much as repeating it.

If they have no relationship other than as flat-mates (if she still lives in the house), then why do you put so much emphasis on his living arrangements? Does he mention her a lot or bring up the past all the time? It doesn't sound like it if your only disagreements are about his living accommodations.

If you keep bringing up his house and how it will ruin the relationship, you may be causing that to happen. Did you have any clue they still lived in the same residence before he told you? Would you feel he was still tied to the past if she was out of the house and he lived alone in the house they once shared? What if he moved into a new place?

I get the impression that you want him to move in with you and that you might not be happy until that happened. It doesn't matter where he lives until then you are probably going to have issues with it.

He has said he isn't ready to live with you. He has had ups and downs just like you have over the past couple of years and may want to be more stable on his own before making another life changing move. He has asked for time. Have you given him time?

[kate78]

The thing is, he mentioned at last that he misses his past sometimes, and can't give me 100% of himself which means he can't love me 100% as much as I do love him. (I don't know what's wrong, though we have great time together whenever we are together).

I didn't know they live in the same place for 2-3 months when we started the relationship. I asked him once long time back, and he said she is also in the same place, but he doesn't see her much.

My issue is, he has to move out, because by the time he lives with her, I can not have his 100%. They never were apart after a 10 year relationship, how can he get over it? How can he think of make a new life with me when she is always around?

Also, he is grown up with divorced parents. He is scared of divorces so badly, that always tells me why when people get married and swear to God that they will stay together forever, they won't! That's lie, because 50% of couples get divorces in the UK.

He asked me for time, I gave him, I told him, either you should be mine, or I can not stand this situation. I told him, I need someone to love me, that's all I want. But when I see you are attached to your past stuff, that's the result... he didn't deny, now he agrees that the way he lives is unhealthy for both of us - he said we should take an step back and he should think , we should talk about our future and what we want to do. I am very scarred that he tells me he will leave the relationship... we never had an issue to argue or be unhappy other than this, and I regret a lot to see the separation...

He just established a design office and he is successful now.
He told me, when he broke up, he wanted to end his life, but I helped him to get back to life and be happy again... (now he is energized, he doesn't love me as much as I expect! )

No, he does never tell me about his past. He knows that it makes me upset. I also never talk about my past. But we know each other's stories.

Should I tell him he can think as long as he wants? And I apologize? Or a deadline is better? Or he is not interested much in me anymore? Oh... I'm kind of getting crazy :(

[Just Looking]

Deadlines and ultimatums do not work. You tell him honestly what is in your heart and how you are feeling. You figure out what you want for yourself and tell him that. If he is unwilling or unable to give you what you want, it's time to move on. Also, be aware that he has a lot on his plate. If he just established a new office, he is focusing on that. It takes a lot of time and energy to start a new business.

[Cat1864]

he told me, when he broke up, he wanted to end his life, but i helped him to get back to life and be happy again...(now he is energized, he doesn't love me as much as I expect!? )

I think this may explain a bit more.

How soon after his break up and break down did the two of you become close enough to start dating?

[talaniman]

You are like a bull in a china shop. There have to be subtler ways to get your man. Like a bit more patience and understanding rather than emotions fueled by fear and insecurity.

I think the only reason you are so insecure about his feelings for you is he hasn't committed enough. But things have to keep developing at there own pace and you forcing things won't help.

Just apologize, and tell him you panicked. I honestly think he is over his past and is working hard on his future despite the rocky present circumstances.