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teargral · Jan 15, 2011, 06:22 PM

I just don't understand teenage nowadays. My step daughter told my hubby that her friends hang out at the mall every other 2 weeks and she want to hang out with them. She said one of the friends' mom will be there with them. My hubby just dropped her off at the mall. She doesn't want her dad to be there with her. She kept asking my hubby to go movie , to go the mall with her friends without chaperone. My hubby said no, we have to know where she hang out, who's she with and we need to chaperone her. We can't leave her alone at the malls with the other teen kids. She kept asking so he let her hang out with her friends at the mall last time. She and other kids didn't stay inside the mall. They walked to the other building to see movie and walked to another building which is further away from the mall about 10 minute drives. When he found out he was mad because it's too dangerous. So he didn't let her go anymore. My step daughter always complaint that he's overprotective, doesn't let her to hang out with her friends, this and that and give him bad attitudes about that all the time. He had to sit down with her for a big explanation that we care for her. Last birthday, her friend ( the same grl ) came to her birthday and after birthday, she invited my step daughter to go see movie with her and other friends. My hubby didn't want to her to go. She kept asking and gave him a bad attidue in the car and we also had plan. While we drove home, she kept asking so he changed his mind and took her to the movie where her friends at but couldn't meet her friends over there. Previous post which is few days ago, she asked my hubby to come to her friend's birthday and stay overnight at the hotel. He said no and she did gave him a bad attitude. Now today, she told her dad that her friends invite her to hang out at the mall and she wants to go but she doesn't want to have chaperone. He said no, either he or me have to come with her for chaperone. So she used my cellphone to call her friends to ask.. to see if it's okay either her dad or she use the word"step mom"( not using my name )to be there with her all the time, even at the movie. Her friends seem doesn't want to because they want to walk and go somewhere else and didn't want adult to follow. My step daughter said she can't go outside. That's too far, she will get in trouble with my hubby. She only can hang out inside the mall with them. My step daughter ask" so which one can she go with? " so which one can she go with? " or her dad. However they didn't want my hubby to be there with them. So I have to be there with her as chaperone tomorrow. My stepdaughter didn't ask me to see if it's okay that I want to be there with her. This is kind of rude. I really don't like it. I just don't understand why the other parents let their kids hang out at the mall without chaperone, even one adult there. As my perspective, one adult can't take care and watch out for the big group. One bad moment can regret later. As a parent , what's your advices and what should we do because every other weeks , she always comes up something that want to go out with her friends without chaperone.

(note) tomorrow I have to take her to the mall in the afternoon so she can hang out with her friends at the mall and being chaperone. She's my step daughter and she always being rude to me and never appreciate what I have done for her. Honestly, I just don't like her and just don't know how to deal with her.

Wondergirl · Jan 15, 2011, 06:35 PM

You should have been consulted before your husband promised his daughter your chaperoning services. I wouldn't go, since I hadn't been asked, would be doing it by default. Why can't your husband go? Because the other girls don't want him there? And that's a good reason?

How often do the girls hang out at the mall? Will your stepdaughter need a chaperone every time? Will that chaperone be you?

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page regarding this chaperoning business.

P.S. No, I would not allow my daughter to hang out at the mall with her friends, not at 14.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 15, 2011, 06:48 PM

I guess part of the issue is how large a mall, what will they be doing at the mall. How responsible is the 14 year old/?

But I would never promise my wife anything without asking her. She does not promise my time or I her

teargral · Jan 15, 2011, 06:53 PM

My husband can't go because her friends don't want him to be there. It's ridicoulus that he let his daughter hang out and now I have to be chaperone without asking me first. It seem like from now on, if she hang out with her friends I will be her chaperone. I really don't want to go because of her behavior towards me like the way she asked her friend "is it okay either "my" dad or "the" step mom to go with her. she never accept me in her life as a mom. i just dont feel like to do anything.as a wife, i really can't say no because he will made at me and will say i dont care for her, i dont love her, this and that. then he will use the same old words, "he don't need me to stay with them.. I can pack my stuff and leave". I just don't know what to do...

Wondergirl · Jan 15, 2011, 07:05 PM

Chaperoning the girl will only lead to her resenting you even more. The father has really put you between a rock and a hard place.

He doesn't see this?

And if you leave, he will either have to chaperone her himself or let her do whatever she wants. Not good. (We both know he won't tell her no, she can't go to the mall.)

***ADDED*** HE doesn't want to be the bad guy in all this apparently. He's giving you that job.

Wondergirl · Jan 15, 2011, 07:09 PM

Oh, and how are you supposed to chaperone her? Walk near her, stand near her, shop near her? Or be a mystery person watching her from 25 feet (or more) away? If that, what if she ducks out and goes elsewhere? It will be your fault for losing track of her?

teargral · Jan 15, 2011, 07:14 PM

He doesn't care how I feel because I just asked him how long I have to stay there with her? I can't follow her everywhere for 4-5 hours. It's okay to follow her for 2-3 hours but not more than 3 hrs. he said I just do it once a while. That means I have to stay with her the whole time as long as she stay hang out with her friends. I was like this situation is not once a while. She will ask you again, just like couple day ago she asked you to stay over night at her friend's birthday in the hotel. He only said it's okay.. just do it for me once a while. I can't stand for it. I know the argument will happened tomorrow after I took her home. I know how my step daughter is. She always like to make me mad, always start conversation then leads to argument and come home to tell on my hubby. I can't stand to go anywhere with her more than 4 hours. I just don't know what am I going to do. I guess I have to calm down and ignore her if I have to.

Wondergirl · Jan 15, 2011, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by teargral

i just dont know what am i gonna do. i guess i have to calm down and ignore her if i have to.

So he is going to let a 14 y/o tell him how to do something? He is going to allow a bunch of 14 y/o girls dictate what the rules are? This is wrong on so many levels. He is such a coward and an embarrassment as a parent.

And he's going to let his wife take the fall and encourage and add to his daughter's disrespecting of her?

teargral · Jan 15, 2011, 07:29 PM

No, not stand near or walk close by her. I have to watch her from 25 feet away. I feel like I am going to be a bad person if anything bad happen to her. He will blame on me for that not doing my job. Since every time he and my step daughter have a problem. He always blame on me . He said since he knew and be with me, the problems always happened. He blamed on me for everything, for her bad atttidudes. Once time, she wrote a letter stating that she doesn't want to live with him. He started to go one blame on me for everything. He asked her the reason why.. is it because of me. She said no, it's because of him. He is the one who cause the problem. He just don't want to admit it to be a bad person. He turned around and came into the room yelling at me. He want me to leave. The problem happened is because of me. I said why he have to blame on me for everything. Nothing to do with me. There is a problem between him and his daughter. Nothing to do with me.

teargral · Jan 15, 2011, 07:35 PM

This girl is completely different with her cousins. Her cousins are well-behave to their parent, having good grades in school. If the parents say no, they never give any bad attidues. In the opposite, she will give bad attitude. Is it because she comes from a divorce family or just because my hubby don't kow how to teach her in a appropriate way.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 15, 2011, 07:51 PM

Sorry, but you don't do it because father is not "allowed" by the friends. Who cares what they friends want or don't want.

I am sorry but he is allowing a child to run his life, and you are allowing them both to walk over you.

NO is a wonderful word, use it

Wondergirl · Jan 15, 2011, 08:19 PM

I think it's because of the divorce and not having two strong parents. Fourteen is a terrible age for teens. They're grown up (sort of) but their brains are not developed enough to be smart and aware and responsible. They are always pushing the envelope to see how far they can go. That's why they need strong parents. The girl is using you, is manipulating her dad -- with you as her bargaining tool. And her dad is not smart enough to see this or is to lazy to care about it or is too easily manipulated.