[miserygirl]

This is basically something I've been wondering about for months.
My boyfriend and I have had a few problems in our 1 year and a half relationship, and have even broken up and got back together. One of the reasons we broke up was because he finally admitted to me that he'd been cheating on me with a couple of girls on msn, confirming my fears and answering the questions I had asked him about it.
It wasn't physical, but just on msn. But this still hurt me so much.
When we got back together he promised me that he would never do it again. I've always been doubtful and always had trouble trusting guys.
Anyway this is my main point. And this may sound really stupid, but I'd really like to hear other opinions.
So sometime after we got back together, he started doing this weird thing, where when he was on his computer, (and seemed to be only when he was on msn) and I was laying on his bed, he would glance over at me every now and then in a way that made me feel as if he was checking to see if I was asleep. It really bothers me, it makes me think I still can't trust him. Eventually when he did it one night I finally confronted him about it and asked him why he keeps doing it and why it bothers me. His response was that "he just likes looking at me and is checking to see if i'm okay"
After we talked about it, he kind of stopped doing it. But recently, he's started doing it again and even if we're at my place and he's not on his computer and I'm laying on my bed, he was doing it the other night too. He also uses msn on his phone and I'm still not sure who he texts. I don't go through his phone, but this behaviour is really worrying me and making me feel like he's hiding somehthing. Most other things are fine in the relationship, but these stupid little things really bother me. Has anyone else had this problem? Or can give me some advise? Thank you so much.

[Fr_Chuck]

So ask him, talk to him about it, communication is an issue if you don't feel free to talk

[miserygirl]

The problem is, I've asked him so many times in our relationship about whether he's cheating, or lost interest in me, or wants to be with someone else. He always says he wants to be with me and that there's no one else. But if this is the case, why would he act like that?
He always spends time with me, and always asks if I can stay at his place or if he can stay at mine, but sometimes I just get the feeling he's still hiding something from me and feels too guilty to tell me.
I don't want to keep asking him, I feel this will annoy him.

[adviceishere]

An emotional affair is almost worse than an physical affair! You wonder why your partner couldn't open up to you when your meant to be the closet person to him right? I understand your stress and anxiety about how he's acting, and if you want my honest opinion id say he probably is hiding something, he might not be talking to someone but could maybe be looking at porn or something? Is there anyway you could take a peek while he thinks your asleep? I always do this on my boyfriend, he's forever on the laptop on msn typing away and sometimes I quietly look over is shoulder when he thinks I'm asleep LOL but its always fairly innocent, just chatting away to his friends but he obviously doesn't want me reading his conversations (I wouldn't want him reading mine either even though I don't say anything to bad to my friends we don't want our partners knowing every detail of our lives), my boyfriend looks over his shoulders slyly to see if I'm awake too! But I've never found him to be up to anything to worrying :P so hopefully your boyfriend isn't either, I know its not the right thing to do.. snooping lol but you'll get your answer! :)

[HistorianChick]

Ok, I do understand that you have been burned by the boyfriend before. He admitted that he was spending time on msn and you broke up.

At the point when the two of you decided to get back together you both should have started over. Fresh slate kind of thing. Kudos for trying to make it work - that's a difficult thing to do when you feel that you've been emotionally betrayed. I recognize that it was a difficult thing for you to do.

But.

When you got back together with him you should have told him your insecurities, told him that it may take a while to trust again, and committed to starting to build that trust.

What builds trust? Communication.

Talk to him. Tell him what you're feeling. Work through it together.

It truly sounds like he does love you and wants to be with you. Trust him. Talk to him.

Trust is about letting go of your own insecurities and working together with your partner for a mutually growing relationship. It's about choosing to forget the past and work towards a stronger future. It takes work and struggle, but it is so worth it in the end.

We're women, sometimes we feel insecure. But you have to communicate with your man. He has to know what you're dealing with so that he can help reassure you.

Talk to him. Don't assume he is cheating. Don't snoop. Don't try and find something. Talk.

[answerme_tender]

Here is the thing, he already has a history of messing around on the computer with other women. For whatever reason you are now getting back that same feelings that he is back doing same old thing. You have asked him, and asked him, and still asking.

If someone is cheating and they have already been caught once, they are not going to come right out and say " why, yes I have been messing around with other girls on the computer yet again"


Your boyfriend likes to get extra attention off the computer with other girls. He may limit his messing around to this only, yes I realize that an emotional is just as painful as physical.

So here is the thing, he has done this before, you obviously still don't trust him and may never, what are you going to do about this relationship. You cannot continue on with him asking him every stinken day if he is messing around on computer or any other way. If there is no trust there is no foundation for a solid relationship.

Your not married to him, let him mess around on computer, you need to move on and find a man that is willing to keep his backside off computer and learn how to entertain himself in real life!! I would also caution you getting right back into a relationship, you need to heal from some obvious trust issues that you have had happen to you not just in this relationship but others. This is time you need to grow and learn that you cannot go into a relationship just WAITING for him to CHEAT.


You have to learn how to trust. I know its hard, but you are still young and treating every relationship with mis-trust issues is going to ruin the bond every single time. Hey, I know it may sound drastic measure, but why not see a counselor about this,you just need to learn how to trust, see what they may have to say-you never know. We all have to take time out and grow as individuals, learn what we want out of life and how to achieve it ourselves without depending on others. Once we are strong in ourselves we know why type of characters we will allow in our lives!! Take care and good luck

[talaniman]

I've asked him so many times in our relationship about whether he's cheating, or lost interest in me, or wants to be with someone else. He always says he wants to be with me and that there's no one else. But if this is the case, why would he act like that?

Back in my day it was a guy looking at porn that caused an already insecure person even more insecurity. That and a lack of honest communications is the very reason the insecurity continues to a point of fear overcoming good common sense.

In your case you are with a guy that loves to chat with the ladies (is it just the ladies?? ), over the computer, but you have not laid out the rules of good behavior, or the boundaries that you both can live within. Its this lack of communicating that has your fear of him cheating on high alert. He doesn't feel he is cheating, just chatting, but you see more because cheating is what you are afraid of.

Now he was caught before, and promised not to do it again, but now you suspect he is, which you see as a breach of promise, even though the extent of his contact is through the net, whether by phone or computer. He is into his texting, as many his age are, and that may be his only contact with the outside world.

So instead of asking him is he cheating, the question is why he texts so much, and who. That may yield better info than asking about cheating. It really comes down to HOW you Talk, and Listen to each other to reach UNDERSTANDING. That's the key to all communications, being able to understand what they mean and why they act as they do. You must also acknowledge your own fears and get to the bottom of, and resolve your own personal issues. Why you have a hard time trusting guys, for instance and why you cannot see this guy as different from others who have hurt you in the past.

These are the things that couples work through because they LEARN how to tal honestly and listen to each other.

Start talking, not accusing. And listen carefully, and not just hear, and fear.

[answerme_tender]

Tal--that is a very good post!!

[miserygirl]

Well I know he does watch porn sometimes, he tells me. But it's usually if I'm not there.
I'm not exactly okay with it, I don't really understand why guys always have to look at porn if they have a girlfriend, personally It makes a lot of women feel unwanted and unattractive.
Anyway, when we got back together we'd already spoken about my insecurities. He already knows about the things that bother me, and he knows I'm having trouble trusting him again. He told me to take as long as I need and that he knows I don't trust him, but he hopes I will.
A couple of months ago (I forgot to mention this before) my fear actually got that bad that I broke up with him and told him I still don't fully trust him. When he came over to get some things he left at my place, he pretty much cried the whole time he was here, and said that this time he'd been faithful.
I took him back thinking that maybe I was just being stupid and paranoid.
However, if I can trust him, why does it seem like he's checking to see if I'm asleep? I'd be okay with him chatting to girls if I knew it was innocent. But he just seems to hide things even though he swears black and blue he's faithful this time. He seems to care about me, but I really don't know what to do at this point.

[talaniman]

There is a difference between guys being faithful, and innocently chatting on line, and you thinking they are faithful, and innocently chatting on line. The difference is trust. As long as he knows you don't trust him, he will be defensive of his words and actions, and try to hide anything you can use against him.

You better just tell him you trust him, and stop looking for signs you should NOT. At least for a while. At least until you have dealt with your own insecurities, and not throw your own feelings in his face because you see the worst.

I will be honest with you, this is a deal breaker with less patient people. I wouldn't even be with someone who didn't trust me, nor was able to talk, and listen, and understand me. You really need to talk to him and tell him you will trust him, as long as he is straight, and honest with you. That's fair.

But you also must be honest and tell him what he does to make you NOT trust him, an his texting habits are at the top of the list. This should at least open the door for more talking.