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Jessica_ · Jan 12, 2011, 01:45 PM

I feel so guilty about feeling like this. But I just can't help it. My boyfriend and I have an amazing loving relationship.. Probably the best one I have ever been in. Plus we are just about to move in together. The only problem is I get this bad feeling when he's out with his friends, And I don't know if it's because of my past ( ex's have cheated, lied etc) But I just hate it!

He's going away with his friends for the weekend a few weeks from now and I just don't want him to. Although he's been away before and I've been fine but he's going to a party where I know what the crowd is like and I feel like he could be put in a situation where something could happen especially as his friends are single/ alcohol etc.

However he has assured me that he would never do anything, he loves me a lot.. But I still get this feeling and I can't help it? He says I have to trust him and I have to let him spend time with the people he loves which is fine. I do trust him although I don't see why he has to go away for the whole weekend especially to this party. I know I'm being immature and in the long term I'll have to get over it if I want us to work. But how do I do that??

I wish · Jan 12, 2011, 01:52 PM

At some point, you have to learn acceptance. If you force him to stay, then you're just controlling his lifestyle. You already expressed your concerns about the trip already. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't do anything to jepordize the relationship while he's there, but that shouldn't stop him from having fun in his life. I think that you should trust him. If you don't trust him, then this relationship is going to end sooner or later whether he goes to the party or not.

HistorianChick · Jan 12, 2011, 01:56 PM

Have you talked to him about this? Not just "I don't want you to go," but have you truly been honest with him about why you are scared for him to go?

You have a past. You've been burned. You're feeling that you don't want to lose the awesomeness that you have together, but you can't help feeling that your history may repeat itself. These are not things to be ashamed of.

Talk to him. He loves you. Obviously, because you say that you have a wonderful relationship. Tell him why you feel how you do. He will be able to reassure you through it all. He's there for you.

That's what a relationship is... communication and trust.

Jessica_ · Jan 12, 2011, 02:16 PM

We have talked, talked about it for about 3 hours last night. I understand his reasons for wanting to go and he said I am his life and he would never risk ruining his life lol. I just still have this feeling! And I know it's nothing to do with him it's my own issue I just want to get to a place where I'm happy for him to do things like this and trust him 100% but I'm just not there yet. I guess with time as the relationship grows I'll feel better? I don't know whether I'll feel better or worse about this when we move in together?

I wish · Jan 12, 2011, 02:18 PM

Sounds like it's a good idea for him to go then, it will give you an opportunity to gain some trust and to work on your issues.

If he doesn't go, then it's just like shoving this under the rug. Regardless of how hidden it is, it will eventually resurface.

Better to deal with these problems now.

DoulaLC · Jan 12, 2011, 02:28 PM

You can try some self talk to reassure yourself how wonderful he and your relationship has been. Sometimes just frequently reminding yourself that this is not like other relationships and he is not the same as past boyfriends can help.

Other than that it takes small steps to get passed those experiences and to not let them effect your current relationship. His spending time now and then with friends and showing you that he is honest, that he can be trusted, is what will allow you to get passed your worries. Each time he goes out, and all is well, you will be more and more reassured that all will remain well and you will start to feel the anxiety ease.

slapshot_oi · Jan 12, 2011, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by Jessica_

I do trust him although i don't see why he has to go away for the whole weekend especially to this party.

Sorry, but you don't trust him.

You can fix it in the short term through preoccupation with an activity, like working out and such.

You can fix it in the long-term by having fun the same way he is so you can relate and understand him better.

talaniman · Jan 12, 2011, 07:22 PM

You have talked about it, now let it go, and don't let bad feelings from the past put a damper on what you have now. Over time those feelings will fade to nothing, but for now, don't act out on impulses from those bad feelings, and don't let them make you act like an insecure needy person.

He has reassured you all he can, and you just have to trust him now, so make plans to be with friends to get you through this time. It may take a while to work through this with yourself, so don't beat yourself up over it, or him either.