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stillheart · Jan 4, 2011, 08:05 PM

I have been friends with this man since I was 18... I am now 30. We have always talked and had a good relationship. I got married to someone else almost four years ago and have known pretty much from the beginning that he has cheated on me off and on. I am still with this man and have tried to work things out with him but he never really does anything that he says he is going to. My friend knows this and I am sure feels badly for me... so just get a divorce right and go with the friend. Well that is where the other half of "i shouldn't be" comes into play. You guessed it... he is married as well. They do okay although everyone around him sees how mean she can be to him. I know that they have some problems and he has even talked about how bad it gets at times. He sleeps in the basement a lot etc... Anyway I have always just been okay being friends with him but recently he has started texting me more. Now we work together and that usually summed up any talking that we did. Now this?. It is always later in the evening around 8:30p and I at first was thinking I just have a really great friend but then I am starting to fall for him and I am unsure if he feels the same way but I don't want to cause any problems for him or for his marriage. What do you do with these feelings like this. How do you stop thinking about someone all of the time. I am so exhausted with worry and guilt. How do I know if he feel the same?. should I care?

bryy29 · Jan 4, 2011, 08:15 PM

Maybe you should be straight up about it . You don't want to get the wrong idea , so you should ask him how he feels .

gino88 · Jan 4, 2011, 08:40 PM

I believe you should sort out your own marriage first, because maybe if this friend sees how bravely you have dealt with your situation, he may just follow suit and so the same. Sort your own head then try and figure out his or it could end up very messy :) just my opinion though.

lvgmng · Jan 5, 2011, 11:14 AM

Trying to start a relationship with someone else when you are working on your present one is not a good idea. Unless you condone the extra marital activities and are looking for that. Is that what you and your friend looking for that?

answerme_tender · Jan 5, 2011, 01:18 PM

Come on I understand not being happy in a marriage, I also understanding giving all I could possible give to try and make it work, but one person just can't make it work, it's a two person job!! So I had to make a decision, so I LEFT AND DIVORCED him.

I don't get were people get off justifiy their CHEATING on their spouse because they are unhappy in the marriage. IT TAKES TWO to make a marriage work, but it only takes ONE person to file for DIVORCE.

Why would you want to give up your moral character to become nothing more then the "OTHER WOMAN". Are you willing to risk everything to learn that the married men usually don't end up leaving their wife's, unless the wife's find out about the affair and kick him out, otherwise he stays!!

Why not take some time, see if your husband is willing to go to counseling, see if there is any chance to salvage your marriage. Put everything on table, when in counseling let it be known that you wanted to leave for another man. See what counselor can do for you. If there is no hope for your marriage, then make an adult choice and DIVORCE him. Get out on your own, learn who your are and what you want out of life to make you happy, and that doesn't mean a man. Give yourself time to heal don't go into a rebound relationship.

stillheart · Jan 5, 2011, 07:59 PM

Oh no that is not what I want at all... and nothing is going on I think that I am just spent begging for my husband to work on our marriage and somewhere along the way got stupid and started thinking that I wish I had thought of my friend first.

stillheart · Jan 5, 2011, 08:03 PM

I would never want to break up a marriage especially my best friends. I would rather just hang onto my feelings and deal with the issues at hand. It is just a difficult thing to do... to keep to yourself.

stillheart · Jan 5, 2011, 08:07 PM

I agree thank you! I will let you know how it goes. I asked my husband again today to see a counselor with me and he said there was no point... :( I am not really sure what he meant by that... he is said it in passing so we did not get to talkfurther

stillheart · Jan 5, 2011, 08:11 PM

First of all I am NOT going to ever have an affair... I love myself and my friend way too much to do something like that. I am just bummed that I did not end up with him in the first place. I have never cheated on my husband... he has everyday we

stillheart · Jan 5, 2011, 08:12 PM

Have been together... I know that I have to keep my feelings to myself. If a man would cheat on his wife then he will cheat on you... I am aware of that. I just needed someplace to put my feelings into words or I was going to go mad :) Thanks for the

stillheart · Jan 5, 2011, 08:13 PM

Advice though! :) :)It is good advice !

answerme_tender · Jan 6, 2011, 07:37 AM

Stillheart,

You sound like a good person who just wants to be happy! We all want that, believe me. I admire that you sincerely feel that you would never fully cheat and have a physical affair, but you need to be at least honest with yourself that you are already having EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!!

When you are in contact with a man, talking to him how much you care for him and wish that it could have been him that you were married too, then you have already gone somewhere as a married woman you should never of gone. Then same with this other guy, for the love, you both were already emailing each other before he ever decided to get married to his wife, and look he still decided to marry this woman, who has no idea that he is emailing you behind her back.

You could have decided to divorce your husband at that time before he ever got married, why didn't you? Just curious about that one.

I don't get staying in a marriage with one man, but being totally in love and emotionally involved with another man for many years NOW! You are just making yourself miserable. What's really bad that your husband and his wife have no idea what is happening behind their backs, what enemies are lurking around that they can't even fight on fair terms.

You are going to have to make a decision here! I still say you need some counseling to help you finally make that decision. You need to stop ALL CONTACT with this other man. You know as well as I do that you would never want your husband to be having an emotional affair with another woman behind your back for how many years!! Wouldn't that make you feel that your marriage was based on NOTHING BUT DECEIT!! Please think about this!

Please keep us posted, we will try to help as much as possible. I know your going through rough time. Good luck

gino88 · Jan 6, 2011, 05:58 PM

Your welcome! Hmmm thts not very good that he won't at least try! You can't really pressure him into counseling as it'll make him feel trapped which will likely take negative effect instead.. see if he comes around if not, well.. good luck anyway