[Claimer]

Hi all, I know your all going to tell me how I should man up etc but let me try and tell you in a nutshell about this fatal attraction I´ve had with a gorgeous danish girl (I´m english but moved to denmark/sweden some years ago) I want to know based on how it looks whether you think she´ll come back a third time.

This is a long story with many inbetweens so ill just cover the basics - I meet the girl, have an amazing time for 3 weeks (im completey smitten already) she goes to the Philippines for 2 weeks, comes back and dumps me. I find out that not only was she still sleeping with her ex who smashed her place up and raped her after she finished it(long story and he went to prison for it) but hooked up with a millionaire on the plane to the Philippines who dumped her after he had sex with her after one weekend.

She comes back, I´m her friend again and before long we are sleeping together (I am tragically in love with her by now that's why I´m letting myself avoid the truth and living in hope even though there have been so many warnings signs that this girl is not what I thought and needs help)

She in the end gets away from her psycho boyfriend by the way.. next, she starts developing a crush on one of my friends and tries to get in with him right in front of me a few hours after she breaks up again. I am so devastated at this point that we call it a day. It ended very badly and I thought she was out of my life forever... WRONG 6 months later she wrote that she missed me and wanted to go for a drink.. my friends and family warned me and said do not meet her as she is manipulative and had too many deep seated issues. Of course I chuck everything away again (I was with a really nice girl by now) and meet her. Again I can´t resist and we go back to my place. She tells me that she´s made all these mistakes and that she is sorry and wants to be my girlfriend for real this time.. we go good for about three months (I can't believe she's there again! )then things change, she starts getting controlling and abusive.. getting jealous if I go out to see any of my friends etc blowing up like a crazy person at the most trivial things.. I kept hanging on believing se would change.. she would do just enough to dangle the carrot in front of me..

Ok this new years it all came to a head and we had a massive blowout over her dancing with another guy and rubbing it in my face. We were walking home at 5 in the morning full of drink and I voice my opinion at the situation.. thats was it, she spits in my face twice and go crazy. I grab her and she falls hitting her head then plays the help I'm an innocent girl role etc etc... just a total disaster. After this we head our separate ways and I think that's just the end then. Next day she is very calm understanding and sweet and explains that lets just leave it there because at the end of the day I love you but I'm just not in love...

Obviously there is a book between what I've said and there are many twists and turns and also really beautifully times where we have shared so much love.

I am hurting as that all happened 3 days ago and I know she's no good and has too many issues but I am so in love with her and know I will be for a long time. The thing is do you think she could come back in the next 6 months and contact me again or is that it. I mean if she does I can't respond or ill never get rid of this heartache, well by then I guess I will be OK about it hopefully.

I know I need to move on but I keep believing that if only we could find it we would be in heaven.. am I completey deluded? I know she treated me like **** mostly and kept me walking on egg shells but there is a side of her that is unlike any girl I´ve ever met and to top it off she´s absolutely gorgeous to look at (scandinavia really is full of beautiful woman but she is stunning even by their standards)
I hope you guys can help and give me another insight of how hopeless this situation is, to be hopelessy in love with a girl like this is just hell on earth.

Btw I know that she is alone in her heart and was slapped around by her mother and her dad changed the grandfathers will so she was denied almost a million dollars... shes full of tradegy but I love her.. I wrote her one email after she broke saying that I will leave it to her if she wants to get in touch but that I feel like I'm not done yet so give it some thought over the next few weeks/months. I will not contact her again now.

Thanks for your time guys and I appreciate your input..

[talaniman]

Warning, sugar coated advice!!!


I am searching for a word that basically means that common sense has been over ruled by feelings, can you help with that?

Oh well, lets just say you make LOUSY decisions that are not based on facts at all, and your judgment is so suspect, I would never trust it. I mean never, ever!

Sorry guy that's as nice as I can say it, without hurting your feelings a great deal, and painting you as quite the foolish fellow. Whupped would be the word I was looking for..!

[Claimer]

Well I appreciate the answer and I know it sounds all wussish (new word) to say "oh but i love her and its easy for you to say" she is simply a femme fatal and I have fallen for it hook line and sinker.

The problem is she has always been bi-polar in her actions but I choose to dig out the nice bits of which there have also been plenty. The bottom line though is that she didn´t invite me to her birthday in November or christmas dinner with her family or her friends new years eve party (she invited me just after 12 so that was nice of her:-/)

Your right, I have surccumbed to utter foolishness because I´ve fallen in love with the illusion that she is my dream girl.. the problem is these intense feelings that rack through my body for her don´t know the ****ing difference. I just feel that I´m not done communicating with this girl so am wondering if this is possible.. I guess I got to take the no contact rule to just try and grow some and get over this episode once and all.

[talaniman]

Lighten up on yourself, it easy for me to jump on you for being a wuss because I have done it myself. Darn those females and all their charm!! We live and learn my friend, until the next one comes along.

Don't try to hide, they can always find you!!

[Claimer]

So what should I do? I feel compelled to get in touch. Not right now but maybe in a few weeks but I know if anything I have to let her come to me. I keep writing drafts of good things to initiate contact with but I know that that will only push her away faster? I guess I explained after the dumping that I was into trying again if she changes her mind so she will have to contact me. Problem with that is that even if she did she´ll be too proud to do it.

Logically I think she did me a favour by dumping me but I can´t help thinking she's sat there missing me, I mean we´ve spent almost every day of the last 7 months together!

[talaniman]

What should you do?? Get a life without her, so then it won't matter what she does.

[Claimer]

Good one!

[adro_is_hurting]

You need to let this girl go. I've been through/am going through a similar (not to your extent though!! ) situation. I was madly in love with this girl I was with for over 3 yrs. Towards the end, it was me doing all the work, she wasn't giving me her all and was neglecting me. But I luved her anyway with all my heart. I know that hell on earth feeling too well. Everyone around me told me I should give up on her, she wasn't worth it, etc. But I wouldn't because I was so in love with her. Then she dumped me. It truly was a blessing she left me. Problem is, she came back after some months and I took her back. She didn't come back 100% though, just enough to "dangle the carrot in front of me." that feeling sucks. I left a new girl, a good girl, I was with to get back with her. She just wants me to stick around so when she's ready ill be there. I never shuda came back. DO NOT CONTACT HER ANYMORE. She's had a lot of chances, you're asking if you should give her a 3rd chance?? She's lucky you gave her two. You deserve someone better. You want to give her your all, but she won't reciprocate. You can't change that, only she can. And she hasn't throughout all this time, which means she won't. She's not ready yet, so let her go. Don't wait around for anyone, esp her. She's not worth it.

[Claimer]

Sounds similar but the 2nd time she did recipricate a lot for 2 months. I´m so tempted to write and ask her to reconsider. The way I miss her is almost too much to bear. I lost my job recently so have a lot of time on my hands to think about it.

I cracked and ask her to meet me for coffee down town on sat.. lets see what she says, if she doesn´t respond then I´ll leave it for good

[Claimer]

But yes during the last 4 months I have been giving her everything I can with not much love coming back if I´m honest, I was/am living in hope that she would change back to the first 3 months. I got annoyed and tried to hide my resentment as it went along until every time she left after a weekend I would feel like I wouldn´t know when I´d see her again tiptoeing around her until she gave the green light again.. its ****ing sad when you look at it and I hope I don´t get another one of these again.. thing is before her there is a 6 month story of another girl. Before these two headaches I had 2 three to four year relationships where I broke up with them.. I think sometimes that this girl became a project for me (she even told me that's how she felt) to get her to yield.

I just don´t know, all I know is that I think she´s the most beautiful thing I ever met and now I have to bite the bullet and put her back in the water.

Her alcoholic dad abandoned her and they don´t speak but but she said he was the best listener in the world and the only guy that didn´t think with his **** with her. She doesn´t get along with girls as usually they are jealous as she's is too good looking but when she gets close to guys they always want more.

She told me that she would e happiest going out with gay guys so she doent have to worry about them wanting to hump her all the time and she´s not into girls that way either. She's not into one night stands either. A married man was prepared to leave his wife and kids for her when I met her again but she was just playing with him.

[Claimer]

And also she was a manically depressed a few years ago and admitted she´d felt desparatly lonely for all her adult life.

[huno]

Claimer, it's nice that you stop and consider that she's had a difficult upbringing and that's the reason she acts so irrationally, but the person to deal with those problems is a therapist, not a boyfriend.

So unless you have an office somewhere with a big couch and a licensed social worker's degree on the wall, you cannot help her. Plain and simple.

Forget about her. You think you're very close to a perfect relationship because she's hot, you're the guy she's spending time with (and, as a result, you're infatuated with her and want badly for it to work), but from the outside it sounds like you're worlds apart. She's toying with you; sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. If you try and salvage this, you're only going to run into the same things over and over again from her: fickleness, always looking for a different guy, mood swings, etc.

Those things are not relationship material.

There are other, more stable and more compatible girls out there. Go find one. Go find ten. Or, better yet, build up a great social life of your own -- go out, have some fun, play sports, hit the gym, etc.; this way, a much better girl will come to you naturally.

[Claimer]

You wield the sword of truth and I´ve already started hitting the gym again and thrown out a lot of lines to rejoin the friend circle I left when I just gave it all up for her. I know I´ll be fine but that wave of pain is all consuming at the time.

[Claimer]

OK I wrote that foolish mail and she phoned me up and said it was a bad idea to meet. She explained that she new 100% the next day after our fight and said she missed me but it´s time to move on now. I´ve deleted her off fb and everything so that's that and of course it was just a step back by hearing her voice again... ouch

I sensed relief in her though and she seemed happy somehow, now I have to get back to my good ole self again and erase this chick from my brain. At least Copenhagen is big enough so that it´s very unlikely that I will see her again soon. Lets hope I am over it by the time it happens.

Thanks for the feedback guys I appreciate it. Hopefully I won´t have to bore you with the next disaster;)

Onwards and upwards.. come on time lets chug a few weeks back in a hurry..