[missk]

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle a death in the family? I have known people that have died, and friends of family, but never close family. I'm 35 years old and have never experienced the death of a family member. My grandfather is 91. My grandmother is 85. When I think about it, I get really scared, and just wonder how in the world I'm going to handle this. My grandparents live and have always lived a hop, skip, and jump away, so we are close. I realize it's life and you just have to deal with it... but how? My husband for example lost his father almost 6 years ago and he is still very angry about it and I it has changed him tremendously. He died in his arms and it was extremely tough. I can't even imagine... I suppose this is another question, but I wonder if there are any books out there that may even help him.

[nickmeharg88]

I'm 15 and my parents are older then most parents of kids my age. 63, and 48. So unfotuantley I have no grandparents. When I was born my grandpa of my dads side was dead, and when I was 4 my grandma of my dads side passed away. Then I had my grandparents of my mothers side which died when I was around 10, and I was extremely sad and I still miss them but, as you get older you move on, and it gets easier, and it something almost evryone has to deal with. However I wouldn't think about them passing before it ever happens because that makes it harder later on. I hope this helps

[joypulv]

First, I would never present a book to someone who is grieving or angry about a death, not even a spouse. They don't want to be told anything; they want support. No pep talks or platitudes, just be there and be a loving blank slate sounding board. A tender 'Tell me all about your father and when you were little' some night before you go to sleep might bring out what is hurting under the anger. Don't say much about yourself and your feelings at all; just listen.

'Good' grief hurts and then heals, to my mind. That's when the love is unambiguous and the death is no one's 'fault.' When love is complicated with other feelings grief festers. When death is blamed on someone - doctors, a drunk driver etc, but often just yourself or the one who died or both - it festers.

I'm not sure you can prepare for the death of your grandparents except to keep loving them. (Much unresolved grief is regret over not saying/hearing it.) You just reach out when they die to the ones who are still alive, and consoling you gives them meaning in a world that doesn't always have a lot of meaning. The living who love you need to know that you need them.

[missk]

Thank you very much for your answer. You are so correct. I shouldn't even think about it right now!

[missk]

Wow. Very well said. Thank you.

[JudyKayTee]

I think you need to think about it now because preparation is half of the battle. As far as books, they were helpful to me when my husband died. I don't know that I got any great advice or guidance but the books helped me understanding the grieving process.

As far as your husband, I wouldn't push or prod him. He'll talk about it when it wants to. Anger is a very important part of grieving - anger that someone could leave you, anger that life would turn out this way, anger over something else (perhaps things not said or done). I found (and it was my husband, not my father) that there were times I wanted to talk about him and there were times that I didn't. My friends didn't question me but took their lead from me.

Hard to say what will help you feel better or cope with loss.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is often good to think and plan, Death is just another part of life, people with religious background often find hope and relief in their faith.

But we all near death each day of our life, that is merely part of growing old.

We need to thank each day we have a love one with us. And as we grow older we know we near that place, but find relief in knowing that we have lived a good life, and that we are never truly gone since we live the memory of ourself in others.

[missk]

Thank you.

[missk]

Thank you.

[missk]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate everyone's reply.

[troublemakerman]

My wife and I were together over 50 years. We were only married 46 years. My wife was 66 years old and past 1/5/09. My mother passed 12/28/07 at 90 years, I was able to handle the loss of my mom. My wife not to good. I don't know about books helping people with a loss. I find help being in a bereavement group, I still go to them. My wife died so fast I did not say goodbye, when I listen to people tell about the time between days to years that people suffered, I found some relief that my wife wasn't dying a little everyday and I was able to overcome the guilt. http://www.lovejoey-poems.blogspot.com
Why I go to bereavement groups
By Michael A Gelb

I had a loss in my life
I lost a mother and also a wife
It hurts so badly when people die and they are gone
I was told a bereavement group might help me to move on
We sit and we talk about our lost love
How we miss them and we know they're in the heavens above
We all can come together because of the pain we all share
We can relate to each other with passion and how much we care
Talking about the past, which now is a memory in our life
Were not sure of our future that will be for the rest of our life
We now have large changes in our life
Someone may have lost a parent, a child, a sibling, a husband or a wife
It's our group that knows our loss and our pain
At times our friends or family might think were not sane
Someone may say something that would bring us to smile
That's something that happens every once in a while
We try to get by the sorrow
If not today then maybe tomorrow
Maybe after time and lots of tears
Just maybe we might find another love that cares

[JudyKayTee]

Michael, I'm going to say this as kindly as I can. I lost my husband after a prolonged illness, much suffering, a lot of pain for him. He was much too young to leave this World and it was a great loss.

I realize you are proud of your poetry and have posted it often and on many sites.

In this particular case your poem does NOT address the question.

I realize you need an outlet (and perhaps poetry is that outlet) and maybe other people find comfort in your poems.

You have been suffering for over two years now and I respectfully suggest that perhaps you should speak to someone one on one to help yourself cope with your loss. I'm not sure a bereavement group (where you relive it over and over and over because new people join) is working for you.

I find your poetry is NOT supportive in any manner. Yes, it lets the World know how much you loved your wife but speaking for myself - I find no comfort in it and can feel your suffering.

- this may not be a popular opinion and, of course, it's just mine. If you need an outlet, perhaps you could post a few lines specifically addressing whatever the OP asks... and a link to your poetry.

[troublemakerman]

Im sorry I won't post anymore. Your right I'm hurting I feel I'm dying a little each day, its just not fast enough.

[JudyKayTee]

Michael, I've been where you are. I know all about hurting. There were days when I couldn't see that I had anything to live for, when I couldn't see my life going on. I know the "dying a little each day" feeling. I have moved on, I've remarried, I love my husband - and I have days when the grief closes in on me all over again. My husband is a widower and he knows EXACTLY what I go through when it happens to me - because it happens to him.

You need closure and you need peace. The question is - how?

Can I help you in some way?