[prowaker]

This is one place I can always turn to, to get good answers even if I haven't been on here in a while. I have a situation on my hands.

This girl I have been dating the last 4 or 5 months. We are great together and everything is fine. Its just that she likes to party all the time and go to the clubs with her girlfriends or house parties. I'm not one to tell her what to do, she is old enough to make her own decisions. I love this girl, and sometimes I just get afraid when she goes out. I know she would never do anything with another guy but it's the thought in the back of my mind. When she goes out I worry. I don't know what it is.

Its our christmas break so there have been a lot of nights of her going out with her friends and stuff which is understandable I go out with mine... recently, she went out with one of our friends who used to be in love with her but she never saw him like that so they never dated. But deep down I know for a fact he still likes her. They are good friends I get that but when they go out I hate it. They went to a movie and few nights ago then for drinks. I was fine with the movie but drinks set me off I asked why?

She was telling me earlier that I'm becoming obsessive / insecure. All I like to know is what's going on. Like where she is kind of thing. I trust her 100% I just worry. She says that she doesn't know about the relationship because of my insecurity I guess. I don't want to lose her. She's an amazing girl. I also don't know what to say to her like I tell her all the time I trust her! She told me she feels guilty whens she out. Like she worried about me getting upset with her for doing something.

Is there any suggestions on how to overcome this problem. Or anything I can tell her to fix this?

[joypulv]

Please define 'this girl I have been dating the last 4 or 5 months.'
Are you living together? How old are you? Are you both in school? Same school?
But mainly, how much have you two talked about your relationship and the future?
Without knowing what one of many levels of closeness you are on it is impossible to advise. Of course I'd be jealous and insecure and suspicious - if it were someone I had been involved with for that long.
But that would mean to me a great deal of intimacy, sharing, being together most days/nights of a week, planning the future, maybe living together.
I'm old and sort of old fashioned.

[Devorameira]

Your words keep indicating that you trust her 100%, but your behavior toward your girlfriend says otherwise.

If you truly do trust her, you need to let her do her own thing knowing that she'll do the right thing and won't hurt you. If you really can't trust her deep down in your soul, you might just want to set her free until you're able to get your act together.

Someone that's only been dating a few months shouldn't insist on knowing where she is all the time. She really doesn't have a problem, you do.

[prowaker]

Joy:
The girl: I used to work with her and we were good friends for about a year. And one night something just clicked when we were with each other.

No we are not living together I'm 19 she's 20 we go to the same college. We haven't really talked about the future just going with the flow really. We don't really talk about our relationship and I know that's a small problem because all couple should every now and then. We spend a lot of time together and get along great!

Devor:
I trust her deep down! I really do. That's why I don't know why I do worry when she goes out. I don't ask where she is all the time only when she goes out I like to know like which club / bar or who's party. (that not acceptable?)

[talaniman]

No wonder your insecure. Its only been a few months that you are so called together, and you haven't really talked enough about what the heck this thing your doing is.

When you go with the flow, then that's what you have. Look, you both are doing the same thing, and that's typical of young people, but you both obviously have different ideas about what a relationship is, and what's expected.

Since it sounds like this is a some what loose mutual understanding, back off, and not get in so deep that you start assuming how she should act, or obsess on what she does because she obviously ain't having none of that.

That's your first mistake, thinking she will change what she does just because you are in the picture. Without talking, you have made her a priority, but she hasn't done the same, nor should she after just a few months of dating.

Back off guy, and keep doing your own thing, and if you are going with the flow, enjoy when you do get together, and stop sweating the small stuff. Back off, because you are just another option for now, but never will be a priority as long as you can't have the trust, or the self control not to be needy and insecure.

If your going with the flow, then you have to relax, and go with it, and not be a jealous, needy, insecure boyfriend, who cramps her free wheeling style. If you don't want to be insecure, then stop worrying so much, because you are scared of what she could do when you aren't watching. That's not trust, that's fear.

Stop seeing her as the next great love of your life and just see it as friends who have fun, and you won't be so insecure. That would be going with the flow, and you won't have to care who she goes to what bar with, because she clearly doesn't think its your business.

Back off, and stop having to be assured she is doing right by you, and she can handle herself, or you will be a big worry wart, over anything that doesn't meet your approval. This just ain't that kind of relationship. Its more a special friendship, so act accordingly. Don't get so carried away and talk more, and be ready to walk away from this very casual dating thing you are doing.

[prowaker]

Talaniman:

I appreciate your response you've helped me before!

First I never expected for her to change her lifestyle because I came into the picture. I knew from the beginning she was was the type of girl to go out and have fun a lot. We were good friends before we started dating. I fell hard for her because of that I had feelings for her but never thought anything of them until the first night we kissed. I never once told her she couldn't do something. I really wanted her happy and to go out with her friends. Its just that thought as you said fear. I try not to be a worry wart.

When I say go with the flow I mean since we are still young, we kind of just love spending time with each other hanging out going out with friends. The usual. I don't know why we never talked about our relationship I guess I assumed everything was going good. But she came out of the blue with this one not telling me anything what she was thinking so I can fix it.

I just cared for her a lot when she went out and showed some concern. I thought I was just being a good boyfriend and showing some affection / care towards her. Seeing as she never really had a boy there before. I guess its my fault I pushed her away. I feel it might be ending tonight. Which I hope it doesn't.

[huno]

this girl I have been dating the last 4 or 5 months. We are great together and everything is fine. Its just that she likes to party all the time and go to the clubs with her girlfriends or house parties.

My experience is that girls like to party, especially in their early 20s. That's just the way it is and you should accept it.

recently, she went out with one of our friends who used to be in love with her but she never saw him like that so they never dated. But deep down I know for a fact he still likes her.

All girls have guys that are in love with them. All girls have guy friends that are in love with them.

And that's just ONE guy you happen to know about -- think of all the guys that hit on her when she's at a club, at a restaurant, or waiting in line for the bathroom; think of all the other guy friends that orbit around her. She's going to get attention from guys everywhere, including guy friends that hang on in the hopes that she'll someday change her mind about them.

Again, accept it and know that YOU are the guy she's with.

she was telling me earlier that I'm becoming obsessive / insecure.

I speak from personal experience: DON'T BE OBSESSIVE. This is an instant turn-off for girls and you need to handle it or you'll lose her. I've lost girls for the sole reason that they sense when I become insecure about little details.

Now I make it a priority NEVER to let on that I'm picking apart every detail about something I don't like, even if in the back of my mind I'm wondering why she said this or that, who she was talking to, why she wore red shoes instead of black with her guy friends, etc.

In fact, next to farting in public, I'd say being needy/obsessive is the #1 reason girls dump guys. Keep this in mind, always.

The next time you talk to her, be casual and collected and just say that you're sorry you were being so obsessive. Say you couldn't help it because she's been such an amazing person to you, and that you agree you need to each have your own lives apart from each other. Stress that you get it, and that you understand -- and then really do it. She has to have her own life separate from yours, and you also.

Good luck!

[prowaker]

Well, its over between her and I. time to start N.C from what I learned last time that's the best.

Its more deeper than insecure / obsessive from what I got from it. She said her heart isn't 100%. At the beginning of December she did the same thing. And everyone knew it was a phase of hers. I left her alone for honestly, 2 days and she came right back. Seen as I still loved her I took her back. And the one thing I asked was if you ever feel like that again tell me before you go and break us up. She didn't again...

huno:
This guy she went out with we all used to work with each other him , her and I. and he fell for her but she never let him do anything because she didn't see him like that. They were good friends and it was the only person I was sketched out about when she was with him because I saw how he looked at her. When we started dating he was so pissed. I know a lot of guys hit on her I put that to the back of my mind when we went out together because I knew she was mine. It was just him I was uncomfortable.

I'm upset yes, but here is why:
a) she did it over text
b) she said she pretended things were working out when we got back together
c) she lied to me when I did ask her maybe a week ago how our relationship was doing
d) she was like I at least owe you call last night, comes around 10 oclock. Yeah sorry can't call you tonight going out. I guess partying is more a priority.

[prowaker]

Hey I need some advice.

So her and I broke up this week. Now every night she has been going out drinking or to a club or something. The only reason I know this is because she told me / a friend saw her and texted me or something. I don't get why after breaking up with someone she would head straight to the bars. I know its none of my concern. I'm going the whole no contact route. She texted me today I was asked me the stupidest thing ever, but I didn't reply. Then she comes on Facebook chat and asks me if I got her text.. I didn't reply. I know I have to let her go and there is no easy way of doing this. But I care so dam much about this girl I can't see her going like this and the fact she's been going out probably hooked up with a guy or two bugs me because to me it would seem like she didn't care one bit about me when we were together. If you know what I mean. We were extremely good friends for about a year so its even harder to let her go knowing it will never be the same. I haven't cried much or anything but deep down I'm torn. I'm more upset about losing her than my ex who I was dating for almost 4 years.

I've been trying to keep busy but as soon as something comes up that reminds me of her I start to remember the times we had as friends / a couple. She told me when we broke up she wants to remain friends. But I can't right now, I didn't tell her that because I didn't want to make her more upset.

I guess I just need some advice like has anyone gone through something like this. Where they are losing a close girl friend as well? And like how should I go through along with the no contact getting over this girl?

[Jiser]

You want advise? Take the pain, work through it, think about it. Yeh it sucks, it hurts but hey its life - most people have been through it. There is no easy answer or solution!

Time and a good dose of no contact will be the healer here. Sorry to be blunt but that's it. Get rid of Facebook, numbers, pictures, reminders, hard is it is - resist temptation for your own good. She obviously doesn't care that much, which you will realise one day - maybe she wasn't a match for you at all, maybe to young, inexperianced. Not ready for anything serious I suspect as well!

So during your working through pain period, no contact and time you need to stay busy. I mean this, when thinking about her, well you could try gym, music, reading, playing games, sports, self improvement, work, friends. Keep your mind active and move forward not back.

Within a few weeks to months you will be back to your old self with more life experience notched on to you.