[daisydew]

Hi everyone,
I've been reading through the responses in here, and you all seem like really great people. I haven't found resolution to my situation so I'm hoping your insight could help me.

My boyfriend of a year a half finally called it quits with me. We met only a week after I called quits with my first boyfriend of 3 years. He really helped me get over that relationship, so I feel like this is my first real heartbreak. This man was so amazing to me. I left for college only 2 months after we met, and he stayed in a long distance relationship with me through that. We saw each other every weekend. Anyway, he treated me perfect in everyway.. except he was a little more flirtatious with other girls than I would have liked. I had only been with one guy before him, but he had been with quite a few girls. That was something that always bothered me, and I really gave him a hard time about it. It got to the point where I tried to break up with him a few times because I thought I needed to experience more people before I was with him. I started to realize that the number of people you're with doesn't really matter, so I started getting better about all that stuff. I had worn him down too much though, and finally he told me he needed space. So, as of 1 month ago, we have been "broken up." He said he still wants to talk to me because he might want to get back together eventually. He said he "wants me, but feels like he can't be with me." He's afraid I'm going to make him feel like a bad person again. We've hung out about 5 times in the past month, and when we do he treats me like his girlfriend. I feel like I'm always the one calling to hang out though. I have great friends, but they don't fill the space in my life that he has left. Him and I connected on such a high level. Sometimes it makes me more sad to hang out with my friends because it makes me realize how special him and I were.

Basically, I don't know what to do. I haven't called for 3 days now, and of course he hasn't called me. We were thinking about getting together this weekend, but when I'm the one always calling I feel like I'm forcing myself onto him. I mean, if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me. Whenever we talk he makes it sound like we have a future together, but it really just kills me inside. I feel like crying every time I see him, knowing that I can't have him anymore. I feel like I had everything I want, and I pushed him away. I feel like there is no one better than him out there for me because he had everything I wanted. Some of my friends say he's trying to keep me on the side in case he doesn't meet another girl. I don't really know what he is doing. I've seen a lot of things on here about having no contact. I've tried to be really strong about that, but it's so hard. It's been three days since we haven't talked and that's been almost impossible for me. In fact, I called him today from a blocked number but he didn't answer.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do. I cry everyday, and I just want to be better. Thank you for any help.

[Shackles2Garlands]

It's hard for me to say. I would keep pursuing him, because it sounds like you're the one who started all the issues. I'm sorry, I know it's not very supportive, but I'm just being honest :( You have a lot of crow to eat if you want him again. However, your friends have a valid point, that he could be keeping you on the side. Does he get angry if you try talking to him about getting back together? If so, then I wouldn't talk about it. If he doesn't, ask him, truthfully, because you realize now that you were wrong, what you can do in order to let him know you think he's a great guy. I mean, to be honest, if he said that he's just worn out from handling your jealousy (I get jealous too, trust me), and it made him feel like a bad person, I can understand why he's not making an effort to hang out with you. In this case, you're the one who has to do the wooing, and apologizing, and there's no guarantee he'll get past everything that happened. He probably is seeing other people, which is fine, he needs that. Tell him that you respect his feelings on things, and that you want him to know you love him, and that, yes, you are his FRIEND! I don't think women have the first clue how important that is to guys, more so than girlfriends! Or even sometimes wives! When you think about it, you weren't being a very good friend (and I smile shamefully at this, because I've done the same thing). The important thing now is to concentrate on your friendship. Good luck with everything. Keep in mind, I'm a dumpee too, and even though we're still friends, he's moving to another state to live with another girl... now I'm losing my friend as well. You don't want to lose both, trust me :(

[ballengerb1]

First, most people don't answer blocked calls. Why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't want me to know who is calling. Don't play that game. He is sending a strong message by not calling. Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't even bother to call you?

[Shackles2Garlands]

First, most people don't answer blocked calls. Why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't want me to know who is calling. Don't play that game. He is sending a strong message by not calling. Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't even bother to call you??

I actually understand what you're saying and, believe me, by no means would I ask anyone to lower themselves by begging or pleading :(... I just think this is a different case, because, and I'll be honest, if he didn't want to talk or see her at all, he would ignore her entirely. The problem also is that, unfortunately, she might have brought this one herself :(... I know I have before. I don't think she should expect anything out of him. She should not let him string her along, but, from what is sounds, she wasn't being a very good friend even at the time. And, again, I have done the same thing :( I was guilty of a lot of things I had done, and I had to eat crow to just to rebuild a friendship.

In the long run, it depends on whether you still want to remain friends with him, not whether you'll get together again as a couple. If that is the only reason why you're pursuing him, then I would stop. If not, then I would continue on.

I really don't know a lot of the situation, but like I said, on the surface, that's what I would do.

[SouthernBelle06]

So this guy breaks up with you claiming that he needs "space"... ok fine. So why then, are you calling and calling? How is that giving him space exactly? Your calling him from a blocked number sounds a bit stalkerish in my opinion. You are only going to push him further and further away if you keep this up.

I disagree with your friends' idea that he is keeping you around just in case he doesn't find another girlfriend because he is not the one initiating the get-togethers. You are. You are keeping yourself hanging around. I remember reading this passage in a book called Girltalk About Guys when I first began dating, "Hanging around and being available if he wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." This may help you because you seem very needy here.

You are hanging around with an ex, doing the friend thing, desperately seeking his approval at the expense of taking care of your own emotional needs and this will NOT get him back. Do you notice that he is not calling at all on his own? You need to back off here and give him his space. You need to develop some independence and get a life of your own if you ever want him back. If he comes back to you at all, he must have a desire to do so on his own. You can't beg him. You will only serve to turn him off more by hounding him.

I'm not suggesting that you never speak to him again, but my advice is to stop initiating calls, stop asking to hang out, and stop talking about getting back together all the time with him. You said it yourself, if he wanted to hang out, he would call. So, let him. Back off and gauge his interest by letting him initiate some contact for a change. If you truly want to be friends with him only, be friendly if he calls and stop talking about the relationship all the time. If you want to get back together, give him some space and let him miss you. This is no guarantee either, but it would be better for you to stop being so obsessed with him at any rate. And if he doesn't come back, it will help you to start moving on and letting go. You may be incompatible anyway, since you have jealousy issues and he flirts with other girls. It may be best to separate. I dated a guy who was a big flirt and it was not fun.

[Karolina]

Daisydew,
I too was with a guy who was extremely flirtatious and would even go as far a checking out other women in a very obvious way. However, he treated me like gold. I started creating trouble in the relationship because this was really bothering me.

We broke up and made up 3 times! Needless to say, every time we were apart, I would regret my actions and beg him to take me back. Each time I thought... "this is it, I'm going to change". The truth of the matter is that unless you get help or sort through these jealous feelings, they will never go away. When I talked to him about how it bothered me, he made me to be the "bad guy".

Some people have characteristics that cannot be changed, which creates clashes among some couples. You really need to ask yourself, are you truly missing him or are you missing the thought of just being with someone. Are you prepared to get him back and deal with his flirtatious ways? He doesn't see anything wrong with it, so why does that mean you need to be convinced there is nothing wrong also.

My belief is, if there is something in relationship that's bothersome, then each should respect what is being said and if there is true love, they will try to change. It's not like you're asking him to stop hanging out with his best friend. He can't even respect that fact that you don't like him flirting?

It's funny how he has made this about you now and taken his responsibility completely away. He's gotten you to feel guilty!
Personally, I don't think he's worth it. You're not asking for the world, you're just asking for him to be not so flirtatious. If it were me, I'd find someone else... that's exactly what I did and I couldn't be more happier. Do yourself a favor, don't wait around.

Sorry to make this so long!

[daisydew]

Thanks for all the great responses. To be honest, I don't want to be just friends with him. He's a very attractive guy, and gets a lot of attention from girls. I'm sure he'll find another girlfriend fairly quickly, and I can't deal with that. When I talk to him about being in a relationship in the future, he says things like "I hope so." He tells me that he loves me and feels like were very compatible... but then he doesn't call... so many mixed messages.

I like this quote
"Hanging around and being available if he wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." Thank you for that.

I read a lot of quotes and things like that that make me feel strong enough to be independent and get through this, but then it seems like everyday I have a breakdown at some point. I feel like I just can't go on like this anymore... and I ended up calling him tonight, of course he didn't answer so I left a blubbering message. Now I regret it, but can't take it back. What should I do when I feel like all I want to do is call him?

About the jealousy thing... I think I was getting better about it. He wouldn't blatantly check out girls or anything.. he was just very huggy and things with his female friends. And MySpace was a really awful thing. I would get jealous whenever a new female friend would leave him flirty comments, and I had no idea who she was.

I keep thinking I need to learn to be happy and single. I'm 20 now and haven't been single since I was 13. I just felt like he was the "one."

Karolina.. I wondered for awhile if I'm just lonely. Right now I feel like I'm not lonely, I sincerely miss him. But for awhile I felt like maybe I was just lonely. How do you tell the difference?

[wap]

The best thing you can do, is stop calling. He knows he has you if he does decide he wants you, or not. It will only hurt you a lot if you do call him, especially as you still care a lot for him. I would stop all contact with him. Each time you call, you are setting yourself up for another fall. I don't mean that to sound hurtful, but I have learned a lot.

[Shackles2Garlands]

Honestly then if a "friends only" relationship won't work for you, then you do need to stop. I agree with everyone here on that.

[Karolina]

I really feel for you and do completely understand your pain but your comments above are really detrimental to yourself. Who cares if he finds another girl? He's just going to end up doing the same thing to her! You are doing yourself a huge injustice if you wait around. I am 10 years older than you and have been through big breakups only to think that my life won't go on. Well it has gone on, and it's much better.

You say you haven't been single since you were 13, this is not healthy. No wonder you're having problems, you don't even know how to funciton on your own. I mean that with real sincerity:) Please take my word on it, this is a blessing in disguise. You have the perfect opportunity to help rebuild yourself esteem and make some good changes in your life. Do so now. HUGE RECOMMENDATION - DO NOT CALL

Besides, who's to say you won't be the one that meets someone next. You're really not giving yourself credit and it's very sad to see that. If you set the standard in which you allow men to treat you this way, it's going to be very hard to change in future relationships.

[Megg]

I'd just write him a letter, or go to his house or work, or call even .Tell him you love him very much, tell him you need him, why you need him and what he's done for you. Make him see how you feel. Make him hear you. Maybe a lightbalb will click in his head. Ohh and practice what you want to say first, sounds stupid, but it works :P

[daisydew]

I'm trying to initiate no contact with my ex, but he still wants to be friends. He said he won't call me if I don't want him to. The problem is, I get to about day 3 of no contact and completely lose it by giving in and calling crying. Does anyone else feel like there's no one that can make them feel better except their ex? How do you get through the days where all you want to do is call them?

[momincali]

Daisy, it's hard, but not impossible. You need to have a strategy or it won't work. Make yourself busy. Really busy. Buy a really good book and dive in. Do you have a dog, take him for an hour long walk every day. Not only will it be good for you but your dog will repay you in being a good pet, tired dogs are good dogs. Come on, you can do this, just get busy with life and yeah, tell him you need no contact right now and tell him not to take your calls cause they're made in moments of confusion.

[talaniman]

Why not get busy doing the things you enjoy without him. No Contact is hard, but it gives you time to find out about you. You must get busy, and stay off that pity pot and start to build you a life. Time will heal you if you let it. Get a hobby or two or three and fresh air and exercise is great, put new people in your life or volunteer your time to those less fortunate, they always need help to read to children, or serve lunch to the elderly. Fill your time with positive actions.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Excellent advice from tal and momincali.

No contact is very hard and I know how you must be feeling. The way to do it as the above responses say is to keep busy doing positive things like exercise or any hobby that you can take up that keeps your mind off the ex. I like tal's suggestion about volunteer work. Not only will this keep your mind off the ex but it is a positive contribution to your community and will in turn give you a sense of achievement and will also open your eyes to problems in the community. Even if you do not choose to do this, you must in some way occupy your mind with positive actions. Time will help put things into perspective and believe me when I say that it will get better in time.

[talaniman]

Enough of this humiliation, and wondering about him. Leave him alone and work on your life without him, or any other man for that matter. You have tied up your happiess and self respect into some one else and now you don't have a clue who you are. Yes it hurts but, this was a wake up call for you to get healthy and make healthy decisions. Leave him completely alone and put you and the life you need first. He will not change for you or anyone, so move on and get your life together. You don't need this in your life.

[daisydew]

I can't move on. I think I'm seriously spiraling down into depression. I wake up thinking about him. I think about him the entire day when I'm trying to stay busy and distract myself, and I think about him before I go to bed. He was my life. I know that's not healthy. I just don't know what to do with myself now. Maybe I should have a couple sessions with a therapist?

[momincali]

"Basically, I don't know what to do. I haven't called for 3 days now, and of course he hasn't called me. We were thinking about getting together this weekend, but when I'm the one always calling I feel like I'm forcing myself onto him. I mean, if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me."

Daisy, I think you do know what to do and I think that's where you struggle because it's what you don't want to do. Your brain is trying to guide your heart and you're not letting it do it's job, it's trying to protect you, listen.

Wap has been through quite a bit, she knows, listen to her, no contact with this guy for any reason. That doesn't mean that if he initiates the contact it's okay, no, its not. No contact either way.

[wap]

It will take time, other things will take over these thoughts about him believe me. You should just concentrate on things that you enjoy, going to the cinema, going out with friends, shopping : ) that kind of thing. Fill your head with other things, it is the only way to get through it. I know how much it hurts believe me, I felt better when I hadn't contacted him. The longer you do not contact him the easier it becomes, because you think, what would I actually say to him? Then you stop and don't do it. Delete his number if you have to, I did.

[daisydew]

Hi,
I wrote a couple days back about my ex-boyfriend. He called me today, and had a lot to say. He says he is still in love with me, but he's not ready to jump back into a relationship with me. He wants to know if I want to still be his friend and hang out from time to time. We had been doing that a little bit, but it's very hard for me. I told him I didn't think I could just be his friend while I'm still in love with him.

I really want to be back together with him... do you think the best way to do that is to continue my no contact or be his friend? He left it up to me to call him if I ever want to hang out. I don't really want to hang out unless we are back together, it's too hard for me... but then again maybe hanging out will be beneficial so I can prove myself to him. I just don't know what to do.