[Ri091806]

Im a 22 year old mother of two my boyfriend and father of my children is 36. I just recently had a baby three months ago. About four months before he was born my boyfriend and I pretty much entirely stopped having sex or doing anything with each other. We wouldn't lay together hold each other I don't even think we kissed often. He would come home from work take his shower and eat and fall asleep or "pass out" on the couch. I just figured it was because this pregnancy I got a little bigger and it was all belly. Im a skinny girl though I only gained maybe 15 pounds, before my pregnancy I was probably 105. Anyway About a month AFTER the pregnancy we still weren't having sex and he was still distant. One day while he was taking his shower I walked in because we were supposed to be leaving shortly so I wanted to finish getting ready. I opened the shower curtain to give him a kiss and he was totally erect! So that whole time I was deprived from contact and sex he was good taking care of himself! Behind my back of course. We talked about it and I told him I could understand why we didn't have sex at the end of the pregnancy but I don't think you shouldve been hiding that from me. Also I thought it was wrong that he didn't even ask if I wanted to get him off or if I wanted to get off he just worried about himself. He said he would stop even though I only requested him to tell me if he was going to do that cause ill just do the same and we can never have sex. One week later he woke me up in the morning after caring for the baby to tell me he is getting in the shower and he didn't want me to think he was doing something again. What? So I got up went into the bathroom to pee and there was a stain on his shorts. I went into the kitchen and the there was a paper towel soaked with you know what right on top! Why did he even wake me up to tell me that when he all ready did it! So we talked again he said he doesn't learn right away and he doesn't know why he did it again. Moving on just last week about a month after all this I get up after he leaves for work before the kids wake up to clean the bathroom I kneel down to pick something off the floor and something is wet on my pant leg figuring its pee I get pissed off and continue cleaning about 10 minutes later I noticed it dried and its white, deffinitely not pee! So I call him and ask him if he is still hiding this from me and he denies it up and down for like and hour till finally he says yes he did it again. Now we talk and he claims that he did it because he was aggravated from our little, very little, argument from the night before.

Ok so I guess my question is why? Why is he hiding this from me, why does he prefer it over me when we do have a good sex life when we actually have sex, why does he keep doing it? Also why doesn't he give me a chance to get him off before he resorts to that, don't men usually prefer to have good sex instead of really quick jerk off and hope you don't get caught?

Also am I wrong? Is it still a private thing when your in a committed relationship. Like if I wanted sex and he isn't going to give it to me ill tell him that ill just have to take care of it. Im not ashamed!

I need answers from men and women here any advice or answers will be well appreciated!! Thanks

[summer_girl]

I think he does it because he enjoys it, and he hides it and lies about it because he doesn't want to argue with you about it.

I think you shouldn't take it as personal rejection; people like to mix it up, and nobody likes to feel that somebody else owns their sexuality.

Would it be possible for you to accept that he likes this sometimes and not get so upset about it? Would you be open to showing him that you desire him for himself and not just sex? No matter what, you should talk about it; it sounds like he feels accused of doing something wrong, and that's never a good feeling. I hope you can work this out!

[jenniepepsi]

You just had a baby hon. You have other children. Do you remember how long it takes for your hooha to NOT look like a torn piece of roast beef? It is a huge turn off for a lot of men. Give it time. He will come back around. And don't ride him so hard about it.

*hugs* good luck. I know its tough. But if you are suffering, invest in some good masterbating toys for yourself until the lust comes back into your relationship. And remmeber, a 3 month old is NOT exactly a stress free thing. :) it could be that the stress is killing him. And masturbation is a stress reliever. You may enjoy it as well until you are BOTH ready to bring sex back in

[Ri091806]

Thanks for the response.
I guess I do have a negative reaction toward him doing this but I honestly felt neglected and that it was a selfish act when he was ignoring me and doing this instead during and after my pregnancy. Didn't he think that maybe I wanted to get off too and he was only concerned about himself. I told him I don't care if he does it but I just wanted him to tell me he was still going to do it not tell me he wasn't going to anymore and still do it behind my back. I told him that we wouldn't argure if he just told me the truth and that I would probably do it too then but it seems that whenever I say that he doesn't want me to do it so he says he won't anymore. IM CONFUSED!! The other thing is that he totally stopped having sex with me and does that instead. Im not trying to be concieded in any way but I'm a pretty 22 year old and he is 36 and not that good looking. I love him for who he is and he should know since I tell him two times a day. Your totally right when you say he probably feel like he is doing something wrong since the first time I freaked out but I didn't know how to react when something like that is put in my face. I did apologize though and told him I don't think its wrong but I think its wrong to hide it from your partner. He said he is embarrassed and that it's a private thing. What is there to be embarrassed about? He seen me have two kids we been together for 3 years. I don't understand.

[jenniepepsi]

I don't think he is embarrassed hon. It sounds like he wants to save you the heartache. You know those stupid white lies told to keep someone from being hurt. You don't like it, he knows it. But he needs it, so he told you he wouldn't do it anymore. He was WRONG to do that. But I hope you can understand it from his point of view.

At this point I say you need to sit down and tell him everythin gyuo have told us. How you feel, and let him know you don't mind that he does it just not to hide it from him, and to give you some attention too. And remmeber what I said about 3 months after giving birth. It still looks pretty nasty down there lol. It took me quite awhile to get back to normal with all that stuff.

I also think you need to get yourself some toys to satisfy yourselfwith for a while :)

[Ri091806]

That's the other thing like I know a lot of women get crazy stiches and stuff when the have a baby. But didn't either time and I really never had any problems after labor... IM LUCKY! This time it was a little till I even thought about jumping back into bed since the baby was a little bigger and all. But I think I'm back to normal and we are having sex now just he still does it and lies. I just want the truth there shouldn't be secrets in relationships! Idont know...

[summer_girl]

Maybe you could start over and just tell him you feel neglected, that it's been a long time, and you would like to make a date for sex. Is there someone who can babysit? I don't think you should frame it like he's been selfish or owes you attention, just say you miss him and want to be close.

[Cat1864]

For many people masturbation is a private thing and they do get embarrassed talking about it. It is actually amazing how many people still deny that they masturbate and go to great lengths to keep up that illusion.

He shouldn't be hiding the fact that he masturbates from you. He shouldn't have to announce it or ask permission, but he shouldn't feel the need to hide it either. Neither should he feel like he needs to make promises that he knows or has a good idea that he can't keep.

There can be many reasons for someone to want to masturbate and only he can tell you why he does. Reasons range from it feels good and it can relieve stress to it is release without having to worry about another person and that person's needs. It may be that deep down he is concerned about another pregnancy.

A keystone to any relationship is open and honest communication. You both need to be able to express your needs and concerns. Not just about sexual acts, but all aspects of life including finances and raising your children. However, you shouldn't have to tell each other every little detail. The difference between telling him you eat and telling him about every time you put food in your mouth.

Masturbation is in a way a selfish act. At the same time, wanting your partner to provide all of your stimulation can be seen as being selfish, too. Talk with each other and see if you can reach a compromise. You accept that he needs some alone time and he tries to give you more attention.

[Synnen]

Bah... have to spread the rep.

Good post, Cat.

[Ri091806]

Thank you for the advice cat! If you check this out again could you help me understand why he does it behind my back but then when I approached him he said he would stop. I asked him to just tell me if he couldn't stop to just tell me instead of continuing breaking his promises, which he made on his own. I said that if he wants we could both do it but I still want a sex life with him he doesn't need to tell me when he is doing it or anything like that I just want to be able to agree on it either way... His answer was no, I asked why and he said thst if I start doing it too then we probably will never have sex. How is this fair? All I want is to be open and honest with each other. I feel like I'm missing out while he is sneaking around.

[summer_girl]

I bet if he would just have sex WITH you sometimes, this wouldn't matter so much. My personal feeling is you shouldn't even ask him to stop masturbating. I'm certain he doesn't plan it out, and he doesn't do it to get back at you. It sounds more like pure impulse. I think it feels like a destructive impulse to you now because you aren't getting attention like you want; I think you should step away from the "lying behind my back" and get to the bottom of, "why don't you want to have sex WITH me". If he's not attracted, is looking at somebody else, or he just wants out, or he's afraid of another pregnancy... these are things you need to know so you can deal with them.

You say this is your second baby; I'm wondering if you had a hard time getting back to a normal sex life with him after the first baby. If not, then something has changed in the relationship and you need to figure out what that is.

[Ri091806]

THANK YOU SUMMER_GIRL.

My first pregnancy we never stopped having sex, I think we had sex the morning before I had her. That's what is confusing me too. He completely stopped having sex or even asking me to get him off which he is fully aware that I would do for him, and I thought he enjoyed. I think most of my anger comes from that fact that he hid this from me the whole time, and as we all know a woman's hormones go crazy during pregnancy, so I felt like I wasn't good enough pretty enough etc. Plus I did feel really neglected for that fact that I wasn't even a part of his night. He would pretty much ignore me and fall asleep every night. His reason for this was that he had a hard day. I know his work is hard but that NEVER stopped him before. I get the whole lying thing from the fact that HE made this promise I Didn't ask him too make it. Why would he make a promise he can't keep and I didn't ask for why doesn't he just agree to the you do I do it all I asked was for him to say the truth, which would probably be that he really can't stop ( but maybe limit himself so it doesn't ruin our sex life). Im young and in my prime I want sex and affection more now then ever and all I want is him to give it to me I can't be satisfied completely by myself, Don't men feel the same? I gcould go on forever...

[Cat1864]

If you accept that he masturbates, then there is no reason for him to say anything about it and he isn't 'hiding' it. He isn't making it obvious.

People (men and women) will often make a promise thinking they can keep it or that they don't want to upset the other person. You may not have asked him to promise, but he may have felt it was the best thing at the time because you were upset. It could have been, in his mind, a way to comfort you. It didn't work.

Just as he should not need your permission to masturbate, you should not need his. His reason for saying he doesn't want you to is his own issue. Most women do not have the longer 'recharge' time that men do and female masturbation can be used to increase the amount of sex a couple is having. Because it takes longer for a female to get aroused, masturbation (the act of arousing one's self) can be used to speed up foreplay when you don't have very much time for intercourse.

I think there may be more to his masturbating than self pleasure. Talk to him about other things that he may be concerned about such as work, finances, health, the economy, family, friends, raising two healthy children, the fear of having more, etc. Stress and exhaustion are very big libido limiters. The affect they have changes over time. What may not have been a big issue three years ago may seem like a mountain now. He is 36 years old with a young family to support. It may be hitting him harder than he realizes.

Do you see sex as the main form of affection and intimacy between you? Are you feeling like he doesn't love you as much because the sex isn't as often?

[Ri091806]

I guess that used to be one of the most common ways he used to show affection toward me. He isn't a really emotional guy. On the other hand he used to hold me ALL THE TIME as well as kiss me so much I would almost get annoyed, I never expressed negative feeling toward this though. He used to chase me down for sex and never was shy to ask for something else. He got distant toward me and after all this happened he tries to be like he used to, affectionate that is, but its seems fake to me. To me its like he would rather do that then have sex cause its "quicker and all" <those are his words. Shouldn't honesty be a key here? I know this is normal and to me it's a private thing when your single or dating but we are way past that. Deep down I do have a jealousy with him doing this probably because when he was I noticed that the effect was him completely ignoring me sexually and emotionally, if I would have never walked in on it then he would still be doing this and I would be sitting wondering what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me? Is he cheating?

[smoothy]

Look at it this way... you just had a kid three months ago... that without a doubt it taking most of your attention and time... he needs a release without a 4 day in advance plan that can be disturbed at any moment by a crying baby.

Look at it this way... he's taking care of his needs without dumping on you, knowing you already have a full plate. And everyone knows a 3 month old isn't up to doing anything for itself... except soiling diapers at an alarming rate.

[Ri091806]

My whole response didn't send so this is the rest...

<those are his words (quicker). I honestly probably do have some jealousy toward him doing this because before I walked in on him we weren't having and sexual relationship. I feel like if I never walked in that day then he would still be doing it and I would be sitting here wondering what's wrong with me, why doesn't he want me anymore? is he cheating on me? Do I suck at sex? Don't I please him enough?

The other thing is how can he be satisfied with just that even when I do that I still want to be close and have affection shown toward me. Is this a problem that he didn't want that also? I guess it seems like all he wants is a quickie and he doesn't need anything else from me, If he even chooses to include me. HELP!

[smoothy]

Is the baby sleeping in the same room or even the same bed.. Most guys are creeped out by having sex in front of their kid... even if at that age there is essentually zero comprehension of what's going on with you two.

I think your are reading too much into this and making a big deal out of what is actually an attempt to not impose on you for the time being. At 3 months your homes aren't exactly back to their normal point just yet and its triggering this.

Consider this... you KNOW he's wanking off... isn't that better than not knowing how or where he's getting off?

[Ri091806]

I keep hitting a button and deleting some of my stuff!!
Anyway... I think I feel some jealousy toward him doing this because before I walked in on him he wasn't showing me anything ( it was like we were just friends) he would say I love you that's it. I feel like if I never walked in that day he would still be doing this and ignoring me. While he was "releasing" himself I was sitting here wondering why don't we EVER have sex Why doesn't he even want oral sex? (this was before the baby deffinitely had time for it) what is wrong with me, don't I turn him on, Do I suck at sex? Or is he cheating? He doesn't even kiss me! Hold me! And he started to pass out on the couch! <all of this was before I walked in on him. After he started to have sex with me he started to hold me and he slept in the bed every night why did it take him getting caught do start to do this stuff again? It feels fake!

[Ri091806]

The baby does sleep in the room but if you knew him you would know that doesn't bother him at all! He has sex with me when our 2 year old is upstairs and there is no lock on our door! The one night he wanted to have sex in the kitchen when she was awake upsatirs. At least in the bed we are covered and would be aware if she would walk in since our door squeaks lol. I had to say no to the kitchen thing cause she couldve walked in on us at any moment. He got mad and we didn't have sex then.

I want him to impose on me though! We have time the baby is on an excellent schedule and fall asleep almost every night by 7 and our daughter is in bed by 8 sleeping by 9. I want to have sex with him I want him to appraoach me and try. And I've told him this I told him he could wake me up any time.

[Ri091806]

Yes it is better to know but I had to find out by it being put right in front of my face! I didn't like that! I rather him do that then cheat but at the same time I want him and I want to satisfy him and I told him that.