[Ri091806]

Really I don't care if it a quickie in the bathroom with me wouldn't a man prefer to be with his woman the majority of the time?

[adthern]

I'd like to add one thing, when you found the paper towel and stained shorts... If he were keeping his promise he may have nocturnal discharge (wet dreams) which could be the reason.

That said, the lack of intimacy is more concerning than the lack of sex, there could be many reasons for him not to be in the mood. He could be stressed about supporting the family (as mentioned before). He could feel overwhelmed with the amount of kids or the new born issues (diapers, feedings, lack of sleep). He could feel jealous. My suggestions, stop worrying about what he is doing with his penis and worry about what you are doing with your vagina. If you need release, grab a vibrator and go to town (maybe you might let him "catch" you doing it). Maybe his attraction to you as a sexual being is overcome by his view of you as "mom" to his children. It happens. Maybe a shock to his system might rekindle things. You mentioned he used to enjoy oral sex, why not try waking him up like that.

It is hard to tell what will "fix" the problem... you know him better than we do... if you had some intimate games maybe you could try those.

[smoothy]

Comment on smoothy's post

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really i dont care if it a quickie in the bathroom with me wouldnt a man prefer to be with his woman the majority of the time?


You really should be using the Answer this question rather than the comment feature... it makes it harder to keep the thread orderly when there are multiple responders.


You are ignoring the main point I was making... THe baby is attached to your hip 24 hours a day or within a few feet... isn't it? It's only 3 months old so I'm guessing it is. You never answered that... if you did I didn't see it.

Most guys DO rather get off with a woman, you ARE right about that... BUT toss in a baby watching the whole thing and its going to take a whole lot of fun out of it... IF they could even pull it off at all. Because the reality is that is dangerously close to flashing. How much different is it having public sex in front of your own kid vs... say the neighbor kid? And at what age is it OK, and when does it not become OK any more? See my point?

This is what's rolling through his mind.

[CravenMorhead]

I was going to leave this thread alone as smoothy, cat, and synenn have it reasonably under control. Sometimes it takes just the right view to get everything in perspective.

You've been pregnant and you've just given birth. Relax and let your hormones even out. You are over reacting to relatively minor things.

A man will masturbate regardless of how happy and regular his sex life is. It is what we do. There is a saying, 90% of men will admit to masturbating and the other 10% are lying about it. Over generalization I know. We are just looking to... unload the gun. We don't want sex, we don't want to make love, we just want to masturbate. It isn't a reflection upon you or your abilities. We have a need that we're taking care of.

That being said. What I see here is almost a classic killed libido. While he was pounding you all through the first pregnancy things were probably a lot... I hate to say better. You probably were financially secure. You probably had low stress and low exhaustion. Most of the major triggers for a low libido weren't present.

From what I have read, as I have read this in spurts, I don't think you have calmly sat down and talked to him about this. You have come up with things that he's said to you. Though I get the feeling that lot of that was during emotional confrontations.

In an emotional confrontation it can be hard for a man to be honest and straight forward. So you need to sit down and talk to him and make sure he knows how you're feeling, not what your emotions are but how you're feeling. Be honest and non judgmental. Don't bring up the past, i.e. why aren't you plowing me like you were before, but that you're feeling neglected. Your sexual needs aren't being met.

As for oral sex, some men like it and others don't. He does enjoy sex with you, your two children should be evidence enough of that fact. It is just going to take a little bit to get everything back on track.

I know this is a hard situation, but if you just stay the course and Communicate with him. It will all work itself out.

[summer_girl]

Babysitter + hotel room

Just sayin'. It might get things back on track to where you can calm yourself down some and not be making it into a huge personal rejection. Lots of couples have a hard time getting their groove back after a baby. Adding the second one is usually the hardest time in a marriage in terms of demands on parents, and sometimes a second baby sounds easy until you try it and then it's really hard. Also you've got a big age difference there. His fatigue is valid and I hope you won't discount that.

Please give yourself a break and back down a little. Like others have said, he's keeping it at home and that's a good thing. I think if you give it some time, you'll get some love. Sign up for Groupon in your area; they often have good deals on hotel rooms. ;o)

[Ri091806]

K thanks. Just want to ask you this... I offered him a night out before christmas, movies dinner and maybe a couple drinks. We ahd a babysitter. His response was he hated the movies! So we never did it, 4 days later he took his son to a movie! I was really offened because he told me no and then turned around and took Junior. (thats his son from a different relationship.) Also that night he stayed in a hotel because we got in a argument (small argument but he tends to blow things out of proportion!) so while I was sitting at home with 2 kids he was out going to the movies he said he hated and spending the night with his son. I think my point is why did he deny me but then turn around and go a couple days later? And when I was at home crying and wondering where he was since he wouldn't answer then phone he was out having a good time!

[Ri091806]

In short... he admitted to doing it then he lied at first but then he told me later. I thought about the catching me thing! And all he has to worry about is work I have the rest under control and I still want to have sex at the end of the night.

[Ri091806]

No what I mean is HE is the one who wanted to have sex in kitchen with our daughter awake! I don't think the kids even phase him when it comes to sex. He rather do it somewhere other then the room which is more private.

[Ri091806]

We sat down and talked a couple times first he didn't want to talk at all cause it is a "private thing" but then he did. I have tried everything even to telling him that he try to give me a chance first.

[Ri091806]

Also the one time that he woke me up to say he was taking a shower he had just did it in the kitchen. What is our daughter wouldve walked in on that!

[Ri091806]

As for the baby, yes he does require a lot for me but he also sleeps amazingly! 5 hours at a shot, has a regular schedule, almost every night he is sleeping by 7 out cold! My boyfriend will watch TV till he falls asleep instead of being with me..

[CravenMorhead]

Not talk about masturbating. You shouldn't care about that. Not even a little bit.

You need to talk to him about intimacy. Why you're suddenly shut off. Don't even bring up his needs or his habits. You need to impress upon him that you're feeling neglected. That your needs aren't being met.

If you bring up masturbation then you've already shut him down. You need to open him up. If you attack him then you won't get anything from him. If you don't attack him and explain what your feeling and how bad it has gotten then he might get the point.

You're fixated on this one point and it is almost trivial. You're missing the big picture for a missdrawn corner.

[Ri091806]

I got dice for christmas as a gift he didn't even take them out of the package! Thought that wouldve been a hint. I don't know. Sometimes I feel were having sex to shut me up and in his mind then he thinks I don't think he is doing that anymore.

[Ri091806]

I see what your saying. I have told him that I feel neglected that he isn't showing me intimacy or pretty much anything but mastrubation probably came up in that conversation also. Maybe I should try again. But we are having sex occasionally now

[smoothy]

Ok, keep in mind we only have one side of the story and we look at what you say and how you say it (sometimes how you say something tells more than what you actually said) to try to form a mental picture of what the other party might see.

You may have more than one issue at play here... you may not even be aware of what a few are.

He may be upset about something... it sounds a bit like there may be a fair amount of push and shove taking place (power struggle) tied in with the extra stress and confusion a little one brings to the table.

Its possible there is even something else nobody even thought of going on as well.

But I believe there might be a combination... and in a combination each on its own can seem minor and insignificant... but in combination a few little problems can become as bad as one big one. And rather than just letting it out... he's sucking it up and keeping it to himself.

[Ri091806]

The biggest thing is that he made this stupid promise but breaks it all the time and then remakes it I think in an attempt to keep me from mastrubating. He said that if I mastrubate then we will never have sex. I don't understand that comment!

[Ri091806]

GOOD POINT! I did forget to say that last time he told me he did it because he was aggravated from the night before. Now the argument was because he fell asleep on the couch while I was up struggling with two kids in the same room.

[Ri091806]

My 2 yr old needed to be read a book and tucked in the baby was fussing I don't know why and he was sleeping through this commotion! So I told to get up and go in the bed because I was jealous that he was sleeping and I was struggling and I also was

[Ri091806]

Losing my patience. But that didn't seem like a huge stresser to me since I was the one actually dealing with the chaos. He just woke up and went to bed. Then the next morning he woke up at 430! And for no reason everyone was sleeping and did that.

[Ri091806]

The only things we argue over is when he decides to go out drinking all night and not answer my call which isn't right and sometimes we have diffenrent outlooks on the kids. But minor ones. Oh and of course we did argue when I had this issue come up.