[CaliforniaMom]

I'm SHOCKED at this development. They are 28 and 30 and have constructed a fiction of abuse at my hands. I certainly wasn't a perfect mom - but I never hit them, read lots of books, pretty much got professional advice on parenting throughout their childhoods (I'm divorced and their dad was ALWAYS VERY involved - we get along great - in fact, we are neighbors).

Now when they come to visit, I dread it. I get yet another version of how bad I was. Sometimes I almost laugh because it's so ridiculous. Most of the time I'm extremely confused by what they are saying - and SADDENED. My son is the sweet one and after a "talk" he always feels bad and says he wants to end the visit on a positive note. I have told him I think this is a developmental thing - he didn't like that much.

My 30 y.o. daughter is EXTREMELY enraged at me because I cannot give her money any longer. My income has dropped by 75%. Yes, I was sending her money all these years while she "got started" in god knows how many careers.

I think my kids are entitled, spoiled, and self-centered. I love them enormously - I would literally die for them in a minute. I'm a mom. But I'm weary of this treatment and recently began to realize it's emotional abuse.

My wonderful sister-in-law has helped me a LOT. She was there the whole time - she saw how they were treated by me and by their dad. She says there is NOTHING for either of us to feel guilty about. She agrees I'm being emotionally abused. And she counsels abused women and children.

Ready for the punch line? I'M A PSYCHOLOGIST! I am! I'm a doctor! Managed "care" has destroyed my income and I cannot afford therapy. How ironic! I know what to do and I'm doing those things with my head - now that I recognize that I'm actually being emotionally abused, especially by my daughter. And I know my greatest guilt is in having spoiled her for so long.

I am a kind-hearted person. In fact, I'm guilty of being a doormat. Working on that. Standing up to my daughter and saying "I cannot send you money - you are hurting my retirement" has utterly enraged her. But I am not giving in. I'm NOT going to start cashing in retirement savings so I can send her money! I'm 56 years old! I need to continue SAVING money.

I know this is overly long and poorly organized. I'm frankly heartbroken. And I think there are a lot of other parents who are dealing with this same thing. I want to hear from them. I want to hear their stories. I'm the doctor - I can't talk about my problems! So here I am, on the Internet, looking for some consolation from others. Thank GOD for the Internet!

Okay, my brothers and sisters out there! Let's hear what you have to say. I bet I'm not alone in this.

[CaliforniaMom]

Oh! A bit more - I THOUGHT if I was kind to them, it would sort of rub off. I think part of it is generational - I think a lot of young adults now are in what I call "The Entitled Generation." BUT - I clearly did not require enough of them - I didn't hold their feet to the fire enough. And I'm a psychologist - I've heard HORRIBLE stories about truly abusive childhoods. I've reported abusive parents to Child Protective Services. My best friend's mother was a paranoid schizophrenic - now THAT is a bad mother!

I just don't get it. Partly (mostly... ) I'm waiting for them to GROW UP. No clue how long that will take, but it sure seems like it's taking a long time. When I think of ALL those times I held my tongue, gave thoughtful replies, sat for hours listening to tales of woe, was patient, patient, patient... and now I get THIS rubbish??

It's crazy-making. And I'm supposed to be an expert. HA!

[Wondergirl]

There must be counselors in your area who work on a sliding scale. Or meet with a minister or priest who has a good rep as a counselor. You need to talk through this with someone. (I'm a master's level counselor.) And keep posting here too, please. This site has some amazing people on it.

[gemmax]

Hi. You certainly are not alone. I recommend a very good and down-to-earth book to you called "When Parents Hurt". You can search for it on amazon.com or your local bookstore.
Since this has occurred in my own life, I have searched for all the information I can find. It seems that we may have tried to be a bit too enlightened, been too concerned about every aspect of our child's life and just perhaps too "good" to them. This has been the most painful experience of my life, and I do not see how I will ever get past it, but with the support I have found so far, I have been able to rid myself of guilt, and learned how to respond to my child. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, however, from what I understands there is an epidemic of this circumstance in America today. Please obtain this book and read it right through and keep it to study. I promise it will be very helpful to you.

[gemmax]

One more thing, many counselors are now finding that they may have actually advised adult children to stop seeing their parents or to confront them, without understanding the entire situation.Then, it seems many of them are facing this situation too.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well there are still many of high paying carreers in you field, including private counseling and the such, so I do not know what your 100 percent income was, but there is no reason you can't earn enough to earn a good living. Perhaps there is a budget issue that needs to be addressed.

As for the kdis, cut them off from money and giving, they are grown and need to stand on their own.

And the lies or negative meetings, just don't have them over, or let them know as soon as they start complaining or making up stories, you will ask them to leave. ** and do it.

You control who comes into your home and what they can or can not say without being told to leave.

[jenniepepsi]

Cut them off and kick them out. Do NOT invite them over. Make it clear that they are NOT welcome until they can behave like adults instead of spoiled children. Cut those strings mommy! Good luck *hugs*

[CaliforniaMom]

WOW! I just took a look on Amazon. This is exactly what I need - how ironic - I have had parents tell me this same story I'm telling you... and usually I was guilty of thinking there must have been SOMETHING horrible they did. Wow. THANK YOU!

[CaliforniaMom]

Thank you, Wonder girl! I think I'll talk with one of my shrinky friends. It's embarrassing because I have this great reputation for advising parents - even wrote a book! Now I'm thunderstruck and heartsick. It feels terrible.

[CaliforniaMom]

I think it's some kind of developmental thing... I have been searching the literature and can't find anything really - but it just has to be something worth researching. Just look at those books about it! So bewildering...

[CaliforniaMom]

THANK YOU, Fr Chuck! My field has really been impacted by the economy. I'll figure it out. This thing with my kids is SO bizarre because I'm one of those "experts" who advise other people on how to parent. I never DREAMED this would happen to me.

[CaliforniaMom]

Fortunately - or unfortunately - they live in other states. So our lovely Christmas visit had them both ganging up on me with their list of complaints - nothing specific. Nothing concrete. It's almost like they are 13 again. It's so strange.

[CaliforniaMom]

Hehe - Jennie - thank you. They don't live with me. Gosh, I might kill myself if they did! Yes, the strings are cut - and I think I should have cut them long ago, frankly. The economy did it for me. I just thought they would really be adults by now.

[Wondergirl]

Comment on Wondergirl's post
I think I'll talk with one of my shrinky friends. It's embarrassing because I have this great reputation for advising parents - even wrote a book!

You might want to consider talking with a non-friend shrink (i.e. someone with a good rep in the right area but who doesn't know you). When I was a teacher, my most difficult students were my own kids, and as a counselor, I avoided working with friends and relatives. You know we aren't to be friends with clients; it works the other way too.

And I'd love to read your book, but don't want to mess up your anonymity. Remember the motto, "Physician, heal thyself." Our most difficult clients are ourselves.

[CaliforniaMom]

Gosh, you are SOOO wise! But I just don't have the cash to pay anyone. Sucks. It's very, very strange - like someone telling you they can't stand how your hair talks all the time. I understand what you are saying - THANK YOU! You're a sweetie!

[Wondergirl]

Comment on Wondergirl's post
But I just don't have the cash to pay anyone.

Now c'mon. If you're in the business, you know there are counselors that offer help on a sliding scale, and I hope you know that townships and counties have a human/social services department that also offers counseling on a sliding scale. And, of course, ministers and priests do counseling (I know my Lutheran minister father did), a number of them quite effectively and would not demand money or that you join the church, but might ask for a thank-you contribution to the church somewhere along the line.

I would not want a psychologist/counselor friend counseling me and hearing so much about my personal business. That's not fair to that person and to the friendship.

[Jake2008]

Adult children need to act like adults.

Regardless of how much you have allowed them to be dependent upon you financially and otherwise, they need to grow up.

Think of the positive side of this. If you put your foot down, set some simple boundaries, make it clear what the consequences of crossing them are, and stop enabling them to live their selfish, self centered lives, you are doing THEM a favour.

Start by setting some house rules. No more ambushes. Period. Any resentments they hold toward you will no longer be entertained. You are no longer going to be a sitting duck for their abusive behaviour. They are welcome in your home to visit, but their conversations are no longer to revolve around their personal assaults on you.

Stop the money flow. If you cannot get the words out to your daughter in person, send her an email, with a copy to her father. Simply tell her that at her age, she is now responsible for her own financial successes and failures. Don't offer any excuses, or justifications for your decision.

While you may very well be responsible to some degree for allowing them to remain dependent upon you well into their adulthood, it is now time to do a little 'correction', and let them know that what they have enjoyed and come to expect from you, will no longer happen.

The most important thing is to simply stop them. If they are in your home and begin to lament about what a rotten mother/person you were/are, stand up, tell them the visit was nice, but it's now over. And I mean over. Time for them to leave.

Don't revisit the visit. If they are angry, or make phone calls, or send email, delete it all, and let it sink in, that you are serious, and they are no longer able to treat you the way they have been, because there are consequences.

It is never too late to change, you, or them. Life will be so much easier for you when you decide to put an end to their behaviour.

[CaliforniaMom]

Thank you, Jake! Now that I've had a couple of days to think, I realize this is developmental - a very late separation/individuation. Ironic - I considered parenting my best thing. I feel a lot better and I'm taking NONE of it in. No more.

[CaliforniaMom]

Thank you everyone for your helpful responses. Some GREAT people here! I think I'll stick around.

I'm feeling much better - a couple of days went by and I'm over the shock of my son treating me this way. I was used to it from my daughter - she's always been more work. But we each have our own path to growing up.

My sister-in-law (the family calls her The Goddess - she's wonderful) helped me review my life as a mother. She knows absolutely everything about me - she is my best friend. I tell my brother if they ever divorce, I'll miss him! I sat down and made a list of all the therapists we took the kids to over the years. Each one got his/her own therapist - as well as my ex and me. The therapists all had consent to talk with each other... and we had one for all of us as a family. Putting it down on paper, I realize what extraordinary lengths we went to in order to assure the best childhood we could provide. If horrible things were going on, SOMEONE would have said SOMETHING.

I don't know why my kids are doing this - it's incredible to me. I always valued kindness. But I know I am not alone... I've seen other similar stories here and in other places on the Internet. Few people are willing to say this out loud and I understand why. Because people would wonder... you must have done SOMETHING awful for your kids to be so upset, right?

That's what I used to think. I did. There must have been something. Well, it isn't necessarily so. My kids are entitled and over-indulged. That's on us. But we were kind and supportive of anything they were interested in. And we got along great with each other, even though we were divorced. We weren't perfect but we were damn close. There are no guarantees.

So - I'll continue to be kind and firm and count myself lucky that they aren't criminals! I certainly am not going to cash in retirement savings to give them money. And they absolutely cannot live with me. And from now on, I'll make it clear that they are welcome to visit but they will be asked to leave if they sing in the "Mom's not perfect" chorus. That choir is not welcome in my home.

They'll grow up. Eventually. Until then, I'm okay. Thank you, all. You are so kind and I am very grateful.

[Jake2008]

I think you just needed to hear that you aren't a rotten person, or a rotten mother. This has all most likely been causing you a lot of grief for a long time, but, you are to be forgiven. The best parents doing all the right things don't always produce the result we expect.

I agree with the entitlement idea. We give too much even if we can't afford to because we don't want them to have any disadvantage in life. And if we can afford to give, we give too, because we don't want our kids to have any disadvantages. The whole spectrum of raising kids isn't defined by income, or profession. I've worked with all stripes in all mental health professions, and the bottom line is, we are all just human, and sometimes we just don't see what's in front of us.

I think some years I deserved at least one gold medal for screwing up with my kids. Any good parent I know would say the same.

But, you're on the right track, and it's good to see your new resolve! I am hoping that you will feel some sense of satisfaction in taking control of your life, and no longer letting your children treat you poorly. No doubt they will test you because they've had it too good, too long. Stick to your guns Californiamom, you're doing the right thing, and you're going to be just fine.

Happy New Year!