[fotocopiesrus]

I am so sad to hear of your predicament, I'm in the same boat and don't understand why! My son is almost 37, married at 24 to his childhood sweetheart, had an affair with a married woman 9 years into the marriage which lasted 9mths then on New Years Day dropped the bombshell on his wife and 2 kids (7 and 5 at the time)that he was leaving to live with the married woman who also told her husband of not quite 1 year that she was leaving to live with my son within 5mths the new girl was pregnant, (planned apparently, they had a beautiful little boy who will be 4 in Feb.
So that's the story in a nutshell, now this is how I have been treated since he moved out at 18 with his sweetheart. I was basically a single mum and he and I use to get on very well until the year of his affair, he became rude, disrespectful, I just couldn't understand, I knoew something was up but the last thing I thought of was an affair, OK I get that his guilt etc was probably the cause of his mean and nasty attitude towards me and I would not stand up to him because I wasn't use to it or more to the point I didn't know how to handle it, so I'd let it go. When the break up happened I was in another state as he made it quite clear how bad I was as a mother and all the things I'd done wrong etc etc, I thought I had done a pretty good job but in his eyes, no way! I was informed by my daughter in law after a couple of days so I got on a plane and came straight back, only to find my son had moved into my place without informing me, I didn't know what was going on, we talked a little and he was upset but I was fine, then he got te kids overnight, on condition they stayed at my place for the night. Well, he kept putting crap on me, I said nothing, just went along with him, thinking he was venting and in a bad place, so I suggested getting tea together for the kids, he'd gotten sausages for the kids and a huge steak for himself and told me I was having sausages, I suggested a small bit of the steak (from my fridge) for me and a couple of sausages, he went off, still said nothing, thought it was best for him to calm first. Then as I was taking the plates to the table for us to eat he told me I was nothing but a crack head drug addict and that was when I went to slap him across the face for saying a lie like that, he then shaped up to me put his hand (in a choking manner) around my jaw and pushed me to the other side of the room. The kids were beside themselves, I was devastated about what had just occurred, he was screaming and yelling like I had never seen before! It was that bad I told him that if he didn't stop I would call the police, he didn't so I pretended to, with that he said he was going and not coming back, he threw his things into the car then came back and told me he was taking the kids, I was truly concerned the kids safety and he knew their mother wanted them to stay at my place. That was Jan 2006, he didn't speak to me until Feb 2010 at my instigation after many failed attempts. So now what is happening, my 2 grandsons now 12-13 and 11 go every 2nd w-end to my son's place who he shares with the same girl and their son. I have always encouraged them to go regardless of the situation between us back then and still. I rarely see my 3rd gradchild or them for that matter since making contact in Feb 2010. I get on well with my x daughter in law after all she is the mother of 2 of my grandchildren on not only that she is the most easy person to get along with and DOESN'T like confrontations at all and goes along with whatever my son does or says so se hasn't created any dramas for him or his family. What happenes whenever they go to their fathers' every other w-end about every 2nd time the girl says they have nits then their father shaves their heads as she says it's the best way to be rid of them. I know the 2kids are not wanting to go each time because they don't know what they are in for. He rang to complain they had nits and I suggested not to shave their heads as they may resent him for it and not come anymore... his answer 'well that's their choice', I said his x and he had decided that she would have the kids hair professional cut so use the solution, with that he screamed at me that I side with the x all the time, (which I truly don't for obvious reasons), he called me f!@# c!@# amongst other things and hung up and now the kids are back home and they rang me to see how I was because they thought I would be upset cause they heard their father screaming at me, they were upset and now I am at a loss, hope my situation makes you feel your not alone... if you have any suggestions Iam open to them

[CaliforniaMom]

Oh my goodness - that's HORRIBLE! Oh gosh - I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so, so, so sorry to read this. I do think he must be mentally ill - these behaviors are very extreme. I'm SO sorry!

[PristinePortia]

I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 30 years. Most of the time my husband was away so I tried to make up for his absence. I gave my son everything he wanted. He wanted to study abroad and I made every effort for him to go to a public school. I knew that if I separated from his father I would never be able to give my son a lifestyle. I thought that in time he would go to university and take on responsibility. I was wrong. He now blames me for having sent him away to school even though he wanted to go. Also the money given to him his never enough. He is always asking for more money. I am 53 and I need to save for myself. I love him too much. He is abusive and lately he has been resorting to physical violence.. I don't know where this is coming from! All I know is that I am deeply saddened. I feel like life has come to an end... there is not much point in dragging it any further. He is my only child.. sometimes I feel that I should give him everything I have and just die!

[foolishme]

I wonder if it is a CA thing, I am in the same situation. It is heartless and cruel . I thought they loved us as much as we loved them. They play games and spread lies. I just don't know why. My husband is disabled and I am in poor health. No we were not perfect but we never ever did anything to deserve this treatment. It seems to be about money but we were never rich. Nor did we make allot .it is very strange. No one left us anything. I just don't know.

[dandnw]

Wow, My heart goes out to every one of you and I wish you didn't have to go through this, but I must say I am both relieved and horrified to learn that I am not alone in this nightmare. I would describe the dynamics and history of my relationship with my oldest son, but it would literally sound like I had copied parts of each of the above 4 postings.
I recently wrote a document that I gave to each of my boys entitled "Healthy boundaries for Adult children and their parents". I outlined some basics that I gave both boys then I did a specific "financial boundaries" for each as they are 21 and 28 and the younger one is in college (actually taking a semester off). I began the document by explaining that I had just recently realized that in my attempt to be helpful, (but in actuality serving as the backup plan for everything from an increase in utility bills to paying for their pot to doing their laundry as if I were fluff and fold... )I have inadvertently failed to give them the opportunity to become financially independent etc. I explained further that I wished I had figured this out earlier but better late than never and then I laid out specifics of what I would and wouldn't cover and for how long.
At first my younger son said it wasn't fair and when I asked why he said "because you ENABLED my brother until he's 28+ why don't I get the same amount of time?" Yes, HE said ENABLED. I then pointed out that he answered his own question. Since that time, he has not asked for a penny and has gone out of his way to let me know that he really appreciates the six months of cell phone and car insurance that I am providing for both during this transition etc. My older son, however, has not been nearly as gracious (understatement). He says I'm greedy and selfish which is consistent with the terrible childhood fantasy he hit me with a few years back. He decided that having to walk (could have driven but lost his license due to DUI) two blocks to get his brother from day care at 5:30 and watch him until 6:30 or 7:00 four days a week (for which I paid him $20a day/hr) was neglectful. That has morphed into a story about having raised his brother because I was not around.
I am learning that is on the mild side of the stories he tells. The bits and pieces that have gotten back to me don't even seem to have been spun from real incidents - perhaps he picked them up from TV shows or movies? The scariest thing is that I think he now believes the crap he made up, He is very invested in his avoidance methods and nothing and nobody is too big a price if these are threatened.
Just yesterday when he was telling me to F off, he mentioned that I have grandchild coming and I'll be lucky to see the child. Until I heard this I have been so looking forward to becoming a grandparent. He has dated several nice girls over the years however, the one that is evidently pregnant is a 20 year old 'mentally disabled' gal who already has a one year old and according to my son (grain of salt) is an unfit, sometimes abusive parent. So I'm having a little trouble feeling excited about what may be an upcoming birth of my 1st grandchild because this baby will be starting life having drawn short straws as far as genetic mental stability and two emotionally disturbed parents.
It is an upsetting yet evidently not unique set of behaviors/beliefs. I'm guessing that within a few years it will have a name such as 'childhood memory disturbance syndrome... ' I for one, hope it is named after the person who figures out the cure or anecdote... and I hope that happens soon because living in this bizarre parallel universe is a nightmare!
I know that women are more likely to reach out for help and support. I wonder if that is why it seems that only women are posting about this or as women are we easier targets?
Wishing all of you peace,
Nancy

[Betysboots]

You aren't alone. My 30 year old daughter made some really bad decisions. She lost everything and brought her 4 year old to come live with my husband and I. We have a tiny house. Only 2 bedrooms. I set everything up in the spare room so her and her daughter would have a good place to sleep. She and her daughter have been with us now for 10 months. She had a few part time jobs for a few weeks, then decided she was going back to college. She has never given us a dime. The baby's father occasionally gives her money, but we never see any of it. My husband is retired (disabled) and I recently lost my job. I will be 60 in a few days and have gotten a seasonal part time job. The biggest problem is she treats me so badly. If she wants to go out and doesn't want to take the baby, she gets furious with me if I say I wanted to do something. If I don't do what she wants she says hurtful things to me. Yes, she thinks I owe her this life? I raised her and her sister with love and respect. But she believes I need to continue to support her and make sure she gets everything she wants. Her sister is completely self sufficient and very loving. It's like they didn't grow up in the same family. I will buy the book recommended by someone else on this post. I am hoping it will help me.

[CaliforniaMom]

These messages are so helpful and saddening! I do appreciate these responses. I'm still so baffled, but I think my daughter has a personality disorder. She was always difficult and I tried SO hard to be the best mom for her! We had her in therapy on and off for her entire childhood and adolescence. She was just do difficult. And not ONCE did any of those people tell us we were messing up. Doesn't matter - we KNOW we were kind and loving. But we indulged them too much. I was so confident I was doing it right - I teach parenting classes. I have parents and kids in therapy. It's so ironic.

Some of you might be interested in the work of Elizabeth Loftus, Ph.D. She does research on memory. We all have false memories - and yes, they can come from movies, TV, stories in the news, things you hear from others. I know my daughter was never abused by us. There were times, when she was young, that I would ask her if she ever had been mistreated by anyone - she was SOOOO emotional. She always said she was not. And she's so fierce when she thinks any POSSIBLE wrong has come her way, I just cannot imagine her not telling me. Now she's 31 - surely, she would have told us by now.

I told her that she was hurting our retirement and she screamed, "I don't give a F*** about your retirement!! You OWE me!!" I was speechless.

It's been three years now - three years since she told me she wanted nothing to do with me because we were no longer supporting her. She has poisoned her brother a bit - but he's not as difficult as she is. Our two adopted kids (how ironic!) think she's "crazy" and don't understand why both of the bio kids have any problem with us at all. They are lovely young adults - responsible, working, married - living adult lives. And both biological kids are giving us hell.

It's extremely painful. But it is lovely of the good people here to reach out to a stranger and offer support - as well as telling their own stories. I think if we tell each other these most painful things, it helps - it helps us all to not feel so alone in these baffling, agonizing situations. I thank you all for your kindness.

[Walrusnotes]

I am in this same situation with my 23 year old son. He is an immature,self absorbed brat and I get phone calls that start okay, then he moves to a "poor me" conversation, then when I don't respond the way he thinks I should respond (which is always the case no matter what I say), he starts to get angry, and I become the "whipping boy" for him to beat up on verbally and mentally. I too will get the book, I really have to put a stop to this. As for your daughter,like my son, when he does not get his way he will make darn sure that absolutely no one else in the world is happy if he can't be happy. My husband says it is displacement,but really at this point of exhaustion and abuse and anxiety when he calls who really cares what it is. It is just wrong.

[CaliforniaMom]

WALRUSNOTES: I am truly sorry to hear you are dealing with this problem, as well. This must be the entitled generation. I am to be blamed for supporting my daughter for far too long, and for not requiring enough of her. But she's 31 now and it is no longer something I should feel guilty about. I know I was consistently kind to her - she was extremely difficult. Looking from a few paces of distance, I believe she has a personality disorder. To be specific, narcissistic personality disorder. She is entitled.

I think that is a problem with this generation of young people. I think we parents were so concerned that they have happy childhoods and we didn't want them to feel deprived, that we robbed them of enough situations where they had to deal with disappointment. I think I did, anyway. Oh, she had disappointment, and I was well aware that I was allowing that. It was for her development. Life slams the door shut in our faces sometimes. Life says "no" to us sometimes. And life is certainly not fair. But I am certain I didn't allow ENOUGH "nos" in her life. And with what looks like narcissistic personality disorder - at least some traits - well, I don't expect anything from her. I honestly wonder if she loves me. I mean really loves me. It is a thing I may never know.

I wrote the original post over a year ago and nothing has changed. That's not quite true... I am more okay with all this. I no longer weep when I really think about it. Not always, anyway. And I have told some close friends and done so without weeping. Progress.

I found a wonderful book by Joshua Colemn. "When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along. It's a terrific book; Dr. Coleman had his own issue with his daughter. It helped me enormously to see another psychologist having the struggle I'm having. I felt a bit of a fraud before I read his book - I'm the expert. I'm the person people come to for answers... and I am having my own baffling problem.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Parents-H...7082369&sr=1-1

The other book mentioned in these posts was mine, actually. I didn't name it because I would lose my anonymity - the Internet lives forever, you know. It is a parenting book. There are many excellent parenting books. I recommend, for your phase in life, Dr. Coleman's book. It will help you feel better about YOU - and about your parenting.

It's ironic - so ironic. Here I am, a person who has been in the media as an expert, author of a parenting book, someone who gives lectures and who helps others with their parenting. I worked SO HARD to do everything right - and I did really well, outside of not allowing enough disappointment. But a personality disorder is extremely difficult for a parent to deal with - even a parent such as me.

I know you love your son... but YOU matter, too! You are somebody's daughter, just as he is your son. Your feelings matter. Your well being matters. Your life satisfaction... your happiness... these things matter. Your son's brain isn't finished physically developing - that's the good news. He has a few years yet - but even if he continues in this manner... even if he, like my daughter, is unkind to you at age 31, YOU matter. It is time to nurture your mother's daughter.

I wish you well. I wish I had the power to change this for you. For all of us.

[makesmecry]

You are not alone, and you are not immune, just because of your profession. I am that doormat personality, and have tried to be nicer to a daughter who gets off on her emotional assinations of my character. Truth is I'm guilty of being a loving mom that over mothers, and Im learning to not let her have that control, but its scary I get that feeling that Ill lose her. Ive considered helping out other teens or donating my time to kids without parents, because maybe it will get my focus in a better direction. Also, maybe it will give me a sense of satisfaction because I do love helping others, and I was a foster child, so I understand how it feels to want a parent, and have none.

Just know that sometimes therapy doesn't hold all the answers, you already know by now it happens to us all. Maybe you enabled but after a while of holding you ground you'll send the message to your children that you deserve to be treated like more than a bank, but like a mother. Someone told me not to let my kids break me emotionally don't let them see that they can upset me, just smile and show them that I won't fall apart at their command. I try, but its hard, it really does hurt. I think sharing with others who are going through it helps to know that its not just us, and for support and encouragement to stay uplifted. I hope your children come around to realizing your their mom, the only one they'll ever have, and that you cannot be replaced, and deserve their love and respect. Hang in their, at least you can know it happens to us other moms too. :)