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tendakiss · Dec 27, 2010, 04:24 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for about three months. He had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship. We went to his home town for a visit and for me to meet his friends. He stopped by her house to pick up some things. Apparently, what I have been told by others and NOT him, is that she begged him to come back and cried when he told her I was pregnant. Now he is distant and withdrawn from me. We were SO happy before and SO happy about our baby. He still says he loves me sometimes but is cold and withdrawn most the time. I am terrified because the person who told me about what happened also told me he was considering going back to her. I don't want him to be with me only because I'm pregnant but I don't want to lose him either. I have 2 older children (7 & 8) who adore him and will be crushed if he leaves. I love him so much. What do I do?

Devorameira · Dec 27, 2010, 04:33 PM

There is really nothing you can do to prevent him from going back to the ex, but are you really sure that it's his intention to leave?

It's a sticky situation, because he has a history with the ex, and has only been seeing you for 3 months... no where near long enough to make for a long term commitment. You may have been part of the rebound relationship one should never get involved in.

All I can say is that it's time for you to sit him down and have a serious hard discussion about where your relationship is now. Tell him your fears and ask him straight out if he's thinking about reconciling with the ex. That's the only way you're going to find out anything for sure.

Good luck!

Inspired · Dec 27, 2010, 10:20 PM

It is really difficult to get to know someone very well in only 3 months. It sounds like you were aware that he had just gotten out of a long term relationship, yet you still stayed with him, introduced him to your children, and got pregnant by him. Sounds like a lot of bad decisions on your part.

Now you will need to take ownership of your life and your family's lives. As Devoramiera suggested, have a serious sitdown with him and see where he stands. If things don't go well, make sure you get child support.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2010, 07:07 AM

Most of your fear is not knowing him very well, and you have had time to get pregnant, but not enough time to know his moods, or what's on his mind.

The Truth is you better talk, and listen so you both can deal with what will bind you together forever, this child. Forget the rest of this drama for now, and focus strictly on working together for that goal, and that goal only.

No matter what happens in the future with the relationship, the child is what's important, nothing else. What others say is not, so why be upset with what they say??

bestbessie · Dec 29, 2010, 06:28 PM

I'm frankly not surprised that he's acting a bit confused. He was in a relationship, went out of that one and into one with a single mum with 2 kids, and now he's going to be a first-time father, AND step father. And all within 3 short months. This is a big, big life change for him. You are going to have to be very patient with him and respect his feelings. Listen to him, really listen, without jumping in with your own judgements, feelings and anxieties. Ask him then to listen to you with the same level of respect.

This is hard, but be really prepared for him to express doubts, which can be hard to do when you're worried about your future and you really only want reassurance. Just accept that this is a difficult situation for you both, and that the only way forward is just to work your way through it with open communication. Easier said than done, but this is what will forge a long-term relationship even if it's one as co-parents rather than a romantic partnership. It could well be both.

Having a baby also moves a relationship to a whole new level of trust and you've not had much time to establish that trust, so you're starting here and now to learn to trust each other, by listening, talking and respecting each other. I really wish you the best.

tendakiss · Jan 4, 2011, 09:36 AM

Thank you all for your answers to my situation. I appreciate all of your support. I admit to making a mistake by jumping into a relationship with him and believing in his plans for our future. The update is that he has indeed left me and gone back to his Ex. I will be keeping my baby and have told my boys who are 7 and 8 about it. They are sad that he is gone from our lives but are excited about the baby. I am a strong woman and will be fine. Again, thank you for your words of comfort during this difficult time for me.

Devorameira · Jan 4, 2011, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by tendakiss

Thank you all for your answers to my situation. I appreciate all of your support. I admit to making a mistake by jumping into a relationship with him and believing in his plans for our future. The update is that he has indeed left me and gone back to his Ex. I will be keeping my baby and have told my boys who are 7 and 8 about it. They are sad that he is gone from our lives but are excited about the baby. I am a strong woman and will be fine. Again, thank you for your words of comfort during this difficult time for me.

Sorry to hear what happened. Please remember that he played a big role in making the baby and needs to be held accountable for supporting it. Just because he went back with her doesn't mean he gets out of the obligation.

Good luck!

bestbessie · Jan 4, 2011, 01:50 PM

Best wishes for your and your family and soon to be new arrival! I hope that your baby's father is a decent man who decides to be a good father. You sound strong, you sound very practical and that you are a loving mother already.Take care.