[jazzalee]

Moved to its own thread, and edited

My fiancée told me that he was with his ex for 7yrs and that she was bipolar or skitz... he told me a lot of bad stuff about her... recently I saw that he added her on fb... that is weird... I went on her page she I engaged to someone too but they haven't been communicating on FB maybe privately but I don't know... she is very pretty and seem cool... she is one year older than me... my fiancée is almost 40 I'm 21 could it be they were together when she was 15... thats weird... I want to ask him about it but he is so great to me he hasn't changed or anything but it bothers me that she is on his page and she can know our business.

He didn't tell me... they don't comment on each others page but they could be sending each other private messages... I can't stop him from cheating if he wants to and if he delete her doesn't mean he going to stop talking to her... I love him very much should I ask him about it... I don't want to lose him or make him angry. He still treats me well but he usually comment on my page lovey dovey stuff... but this Christmas he only said "Merry Christmas to u n ur family" what's up with that... ahhhg I hate this... should I ask him about her or should I pretend all is good with me?

PS we not living in the same country.. we trying to be together soon

[Wondergirl]

i wanna ask him abt it but he is so great to me he hasnt changed or anything but it bothers me that she is on his page n she can know our business.

That would set off flashing red lights and screaming sirens in MY head.

Ask him why, and tell him to "unfriend" her, please.

[talaniman]

I agree, that is weird, but why worry about it when you could just ask and get the fact. Don't be afraid to express yourself for good reason. I would.

[jazzalee]

I hope he doesn't get upset or push him into her arms... I trust him but I don't know this girl and what her intentions are

[Martin_Franklin]

Believe me there is nothing wrong about it. Your feelings are natural if you love him and it is your right to ask him about this matter as you are going to pass whole life with him, but you got to believe him whatever he says and I am pretty sure that he will say I have added her just because she was in my contacts. So please don't disturb your relation just because of this dilemma.

[talaniman]

I hope he doesn't get upset or push him into her arms... I trust him but I don't know this girl and what her intentions are

It would seem he would be reassuring about your concerns, and her being engaged you should have nothing really to worry about. But be aware of your approach, because all concerns shouldn't be a battle, nor should the intentions of others shake your trust. In a relationship, you have to pick your battles carefully, or you fight all the time over anything.

[Jake2008]

So, if I read this right, he was in his 30's, dating a minor? Right off the bat I would be concerned about this man's motives. He's now almost 40, and you are 21, which also seems to be quite an age gap, although you are 'legal'.

You also say you live in different countries. Have you actually met him in person? How did you meet, and have you physically spent any time with him.

It seems that most (if not all) of your relationship takes place online. While online communication is a great thing, if most of the relationship is based on your lives on Facebook, you really don't have a true sense of who he really is.

[jazzalee]

Comment on Jake2008's post

He told me that she was 28 but on Facebook she is 22, I know there is an age gap but I'm very mature.

Yes we have met in person we've been together for 1yr and 10 month we talk every single day on the phone and on skype.

Comment on talaniman's post

Thank you that is what I am trying to avoid... we talk about everything.. but he just forgot to mention this to me...

Comment on Jake2008's post

Also I have met his family and vice versa... and when he comes to visit me we spend a lot of time together... I am going to ask him about it tonight when he comes home from work..

[answerme_tender]

Since he is speaking with his ex-fiance--apparently they get along, so why not introduce yourself to her on Facebook. This would be perfect opportunity to really find out aliitle about your gentleman friend from a other person point of view. See why they broke up! Its never wrong to obtain information on a person who apparently prefers younger woman and seems to meet them on the internet. Just see if what he is all about is on the up and up--good luck

[jazzalee]

Comment on answerme_tender's post

OK so I was talking to him and I asked him about the girl, he said she is someone he used to know and they never dated... he laughed and said he would never add his ex on fb.. so I asked him about the boring causal christmas wish he left me

N he said nothing is wrong with it.. I said OK iguess nothing is wrong with it and I was being a little paranoid because of the girl... he was saying he was a little scared now because of the way I'm reacting about the post.. I told him we could go past it..

And he kept complaining about how I reacted about the post.. he was making me mad so I cuss him out and signed off skype.. I don't know what to do now because I never meant to get so mad but he was making me upset...

He said the reason he wasn't lovey dovey was because he don't want people on fb to know our business... we have tons of pic on there of us together... we have that we are engaged on there.. n he don't want people to know our business.. whatever

[Wondergirl]

Jazz, please use the Answer box. You'll get more room to type.

[jazzalee]

OK I asked him about the girl, I told him that I have noticed that he added this girl and I said who is she? He said that she was a friend he used to know. His ex has a similar name, he asked why and I tolfd him I thought it was his ex... he laughed and said that he would never ever add his ex.. we were joking around when I told him I thought it was her that's why he sent me such a boring christmas wish on fb.

He kept going on and on about me being weird and that I scare him for thinking the way I thought about the post... I told him the reason I thought that way was because of the girl... n he kept saying he thought we were past that... I told him we were but I was just explaining about the post comment I made... it was like he would never stop about the post and I got upset... n signed off skype... I know I was wrong and I'm calling him but he is not answering... im crying my heart out now... I must have went about it wrong I don't want to lose him.. I love him so much.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

Well that didn't go very well. Leave it alone, drop it for now. Don't call him begging. Just let the dust settle and then you can discuss things. And for gosh sake don't seek solace in the ex,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...te-537908.html

Leave him totally alone. The last thing you need is to be distracted because, you will need all the focus you can get on the task at hand, calming down, and not make a fool of yourself because you are scared of losing a fellow that cannot seem to communicate with you.

He over reacted over a simple case of mistaken identity. He says it was a different person, so what the hell was the rest of that about?? The only thing he needs to tell you is why it was a big deal. But for now, do nothing because maybe he needs a minute to review what happened in his own mind so give him time and space to do so. Give him that chance to calm down and apologize.

If such a simple thing as giving assurance to his woman over a mistake that just needed clarifying leads to this kind of behavior, then you should be paying close attention. If your reaction is getting carried away and seeing the worst after such a frivolous thing, then YOU need to pay attention to yourself.

It's a big red flag when couples take small things, and blow them up. You would do well to control your heart, and let your brain work, because something is very wrong about what you have just told us about this conversation.

[jazzalee]

Threads merged for background into this long distance situation


Ok my fiancée is overseas and we talk on skype every night, we talk on the phone every day too.
Well I notice that he seem a bit bored now... idk what else to do because I still act sexy and do the things he likee but it gets old I guess.
Now I feel like I got to think of everything to keep the relationship fresh.
I went to vist some relatives that didn't have internet so had to use phone, he was so busy and we didn't talk as much as we used to I was away for two weeks.
I missed him so much it's been a week since I'm home now and we been on skype only once.
I don't want to blow up his phone too much so I give him time to do what he is doing but sometime it's getting late like 10-11pm and he doesn't call me... so I would call and he would say he doing a whole lot of nothing. This has been happening a lot.
I have been calling him all day and no answer ,
I finally got him at 6pm and he said he was on the road and we will talk when he get home.
He is in another country so I wouldn't know when that would be so I expected him to call me. 10pm came and he didn't call so I called him and I asked why he didn't call me and he said he didn't know that he should have called me and that I am getting too clingy and that he don't like it. So I said OK then later and he just hanged up.
I'm just crying right now because that's the last thing I wanted to be.
I didn't mean to be clingy at all and I don't know what to do we been together a long time and he has never made me feel this way before. He used to smuther me but I tried to understand him and I thought I'd rather that than he ignore me.

I got used to the love and him always being here for me so it's scaring me now.
Does anyone think I'm being too clingy?
What should I do?
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

[kaka67]

Does anyone think i'm being too clingy?

YES

What should I do?

Stop calling him so much.

There's another thread here regarding the same issue and the great advice given was to have set times for calling on set days. And that is all except for emergencies.

Found it:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ch-348214.html

[talaniman]

When I read your other posts, and realized you, and this fellow had issues before, and you were distracted a bit by an ex, then I started to understand why you are insecure, and afraid what he may be doing without you.

Clingy is not a fair description of what your going through, AFRAID is more like it. I mean the ex may have confused you, but the current guys social network habits is what you are afraid of, so I understand having to talk twice a day, and the fears you have when he doesn't call to reassure you.

I think you have to agree to a set time to be in contact, and be aware when something changes, to keep the other informed of those changes. Long Distance is hard enough without communication, and consideration of ones partners, especially since you are still shaking from the last big event that you went through.

On your part, though, you need to recognize the danger of getting carried away by your own feelings of fear, and insecurities, and tone down your responses until you get facts. Ask, and discuss before you go crazy, and act impulsively when insecurity and fear turns to anger, and resentments and that's what makes a relationship hard. More so when a lot of time away, and distance I involved.

While I can understand missing someone, talking every day is way too much, but that's just me, but I suspect you don't have a life that makes you happy outside this fellow, and that may not be a good thing, maybe not bad, but something to look at in yourself. Why do I say that? I read your first post about your ex which is when this thing with th new guy was posted, and its no coincidence you moved fairly fast from your "first" to your second, and suspect all those events are related to your fear, making you insecure.

That's why your threads were merged together though, as things are never as simple as they seem, and it needs to be balanced with facts for some good thoughtful advice, and not just quick opinions, based on feelings and not enough fact. That's my opinion, any way.