[Shackles2Garlands]

This is very long, so I'll try to be clear and to-the-point without getting too garbled on details. This involves my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Before we met, he and his then wife (they are now in the process of a divorce, which I'll help explain a little), had an open marriage for over three years of the four years they were married. I hadn't met them until a little less than two years ago. His then wife was dating another guy at the time of their marriage (which he knew about). Their marriage was very rocky, and the reason why his then wife said they had an open marriage, was because he (her then husband/my ex-boyfriend) was her first (sexually/intimately), and she wanted to know what it was like to be intimate with someone else (however, she did not sleep around with anyone besides her boyfriend and her husband). I should point out that she and her husband were rarely intimate together, but they were close (they were friends). He (my ex) wanted to date other girls, but she (his then wife) didn't care for any of the girls he met (yes, she was controlling him in that respect).

I should point out also though, that my ex-boyfriend is a letch, and I mean that sincerely. He has always liked girls, a lot of them, and sex, so he did have affairs behind her back. I had met my ex and his then wife while I was in a relationship with a man who was both physically and verbally abusive (we never dated officially, but he controlled me emotionally through guilt and money-matters). I had never really been in a relationship before, and honestly never thought I would allow something like that to happen to me, but I did and it nearly destroyed me. Eventually, I started to become friends with my now ex-boyfriend and his wife at the time. When I decided I felt it was a good idea for me to start a new life somewhere, they offered me a place to live at their house (which they just bought, it was their first home). At that time, the guy she was dating at the time broke up with her. As a result, they decided they weren't going to keep their marriage open, and try to work out their issues. I moved in and everything was great for a while, until they started fighting a lot. At this time, my ex-boyfriend's best friend hung around the house a lot, and we tried to keep the peace as best we could. Even though nothing was going on between my ex-boyfriend and I at the time, his wife began to make quips about the two of us sleeping together. Her and I began to have arguments about it, because nothing was going on between us, and it upset me that my friend would think I would. I had planned on moving out, but around that time, he (her then husband/my ex) lost his job, so I stayed at the house and continued to help by paying rent (they thanked me for staying!). Still, she would get suspicious and condescending toward me.

Then one night, after a lot of tension in the house, she went to bed and he and I stayed outside in the garage to talk. Since he was my friend I really DID care about what happened to him, and I was completely fed-up with her yelling at me too, so we started trying to sort out issues. He had drunk quite a bit (he is not a heavy drinker usually), and at one point when I gave him a hug, he said he really wanted to kiss me. That was the first time I realized I was developing an attraction to him. We did kiss and make-out that night, which I regretted the next day. We both agreed it was a bad move and wouldn't do it again.

About a month goes by, and things are getting worse at the house. He still isn't working, or had lost another job in the meantime (I can't remember exactly). I wanted desperately to move out, but it was the holidays and the money situation at the time just wouldn't allow it (I raised my own rent to help out, which they needed). By this time though, I started to notice that his best friend at the time and her were starting to get cozy on the couch more often, but she still suspected her then husband and I were sleeping together (we weren't--we weren't even snuggling on the couch!). I was also reeling at the time from filing bankruptcy (the result of taking care of the guy before me), and dealing with several deaths in my family. I was very homesick too, and extremely lonely at this point, because of all the drama going on. My only close friend nearby was, unfortunately, my now ex-boyfriend. We started snuggling on the couch at night after she had gone to bed. Eventually they led to a lot of kissing and making out, but still no sex. I was still a virgin at the time, and was okay holding off on it. He, however, really wanted too, but I told him not without his wife's permission.

Then, on New Year's Eve of last year, her and his best friend started to become more intimate with one another. They weren't sleeping together, but kissing and snuggling, etc. He (her then husband) knew about it, and said it was okay with him (it wasn't, but arguing against her was impossible). I was furious, especially after being accused of so much. Around the end of January, things were getting progressively worse at the house. She was more-or-less with her then husband's best friend, and my ex-boyfriend (her husband) was beside himself with grief and anger. Then one night when she was out of town again, we both drank a little and I decided to sleep with him (it was my first time ever, with anyone). We slept together a few times after that, whenever things got tense around the house.

At the time, I was not in love with him. I loved him dearly as a friend, but I accepted he was married and that was that. Eventually, she came out to him and told him that she wanted to have an intimate relationship with his friend. Surprisingly, she agreed that her now ex-husband and I could have a relationship too, although I venture to say it was mainly to life some guilt off herself. It came as a relief to us though, because we had discussed breaking off our relationship because it didn't feel right. For a long time, things were actually very good around the house. Then everything started again where she would get jealous of the time he and I would spend together (I understand her concerns, but keep in mind, she was with her boyfriend all the time, and wanted her then husband around as backup for other things, like house chores).

Around last April, I finally moved into an apartment. By this time, her boyfriend moved into the house with them. Since my ex kept coming over to the apartment to spend time with me, she would set more boundaries for us (but none for her and her boyfriend). He wasn't allowed to buy me flowers (her boyfriend bought her flowers though), I wasn't allowed to go to Pennsic with him, or on any trips, or even spend a long weekend together. He went along with it because he wanted to make her happy, and work on their marriage. Eventually he ended up breaking up with me, which devastated me. We remained friends. Then, over a few months, he told me was thinking of getting a divorce. He said he couldn't take it anymore. Her boyfriend (his ex-best friend, who she isolated from him) and her slept in their bed every night, while he (my ex) slept in the basement. He asked her about counseling, which she turned down. Well, he moved out and into the same apartment complex as me.

We became close again, and once again, we were intimate. He told me he loved me, that he was afraid I'd leave him one day, and so on. Well, he also said he didn't want any serious relationships right now, because he wanted to be happy and single again. I agreed. Then I found out that he was getting seriously involved with another girl (who he actually met at Pennsic). I asked him about her, and he told me it was just mainly sex. She lives in Washington, DC, and he in Ohio, so he assured me that, unless things go crazy, it's just for fun. Later I discover he had spent Thanksgiving with her (he drove there), she flew down to Ohio for his birthday, and then they both flew to California to see her family. Last night, I had the worst kick in the stomach. He's moving to DC and in with her.

I can't even begin to describe my pain. I am losing one of my dearest friends. I had slowly adjusted to the idea of them together, but now I'll never see him. I feel hurt and humiliated. He said we'll stay in contact, but I'm not sure if he'll actually hold up on that, or if she'll even allow it (I don't know anything about her that much). My lease is almost up, and at this point, I'm ready to sell everything I own and just run far away. What do I do about no contact? Is it different if they're in another state and you just talk in emails or occasionally on the phone? I don't want to lose my friend, but I've been so hurt for the past two years, by so many people, sometimes everything just hits me and I just sink to my knees. I know I have some severe depression, but all therapists say to break away … but that's what I did with my first guy, and look where that got me. I need advice, seriously. I really am at the point where I just want to go away, join the Renaissance Faire circuit or something (it's a long story, but actually a real profession, I sell art, only this case, I would do it full time). Please help.

[ForeverZero]

Could you break this into paragraphs please? I made it past like 10 sentences before I quit because my eyes can't strain that hard.

[Shackles2Garlands]

Could you break this into paragraphs please? I made it past like 10 sentences before i quit because my eyes can't strain that hard.

Sorry, I broke it up a little. I know it's lengthy...

[talaniman]

You should sell this to HBO. Seriously this is quite a bit of drama about users and losers, who have no morals so they move in together and anybody who comes to visit gets in on this who's zooming who party. No wonder your heads all messed up. You where cast in a world where anything goes so when you look at the real world you have no clue. Your therapists are correct you need to be around normal people, living normal lives. You have to get used to the idea of boundries and recognising sick people and learning to stay away from them. It may take time, a long time to get you back to reality.

[Shackles2Garlands]

You should sell this to HBO. Seriously this is quite a bit of drama about users and losers, who have no morals so they move in together and anybody who comes to visit gets in on this who's zooming who party. No wonder your heads all messed up. You where cast in a world where anything goes so when you look at the real world you have no clue. Your therapists are correct you need to be around normal people, living normal lives. You have to get used to the idea of boundries and recognising sick people and learning to stay away from them. It may take time, a long time to get you back to reality.

... you know, I like your answer. I am completely not used to relationships, and there aren't a lot of people who can relate to what I've gone through. I never thought that my situation was so strange that it was movie quality, and I'm very serious when I say that. I appreciate your answer a lot. I didn't think either, that the world I was involved in was so unreal compared to normal relationship drama. I'm glad that you said it will take a long time to get back to reality, because it seems that this goes beyond just "moving on"... it feels like I have re-think everything all over again. I've never been in a relationship where it was one-on-one... I've always had to share, and I was never in the forfront. I wasn't happy that way, but I had seen other people do it and get by, so I thought I could too. Later I realize it's rare for relationship situations like I went through to actually work. Even people I've met who are in open relationships and still married, admit that sometimes it becomes too much, either they fall in love with someone else or get jealous of the attention their partner is getting.

Thank you, I actually feel a little less insane now...

[talaniman]

You deserve a chance to know yourself and what you want from life. You deserve to be happy in the things you do. Just be around healthy happy people and do as they do pretty much. Its not as hard as you think.