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talaniman · Dec 26, 2010, 09:22 AM

You haven't answered my question about his employment history and how he got to working on a farm.

This is about finances isn't it, and you resent the changes he has made for himself. Why did he make them?

This whole thing has been about you and your misery, but we need to understand him, to help you.

brigde · Dec 26, 2010, 09:22 AM

Thanks ,

brigde · Dec 26, 2010, 09:30 AM

Will answer your questions like i did, on the bottom, grid ok,

brigde · Dec 26, 2010, 09:51 AM

talaniman, I thought I did, my husband has not made any changes to his life at all ,yes I do resent the fact that after 17 years of marriage he thinks it OK to work, as the counceler told him, at his hobby full time , I resent the fact that I run a busy shop I look after 4 children I work 20 miles away from my home , he works 2 minits and I have to come home from work to lift them from the baby sitter who lives half a mile up the road, I resent the fact that I pay all the household bills he take every penny he makes to look after himself , his lunch,I and his petrol. Now he sholdint have to pay for lunch or petrol .he gets his food at his brothers and petrol he could walk faster there , so yes I do feel resentfull, he has not made any changes he has just got more work to do as his brother has made chages, he has started building sheds and its my hubby doing it all for him, AND MY MISSERY AS YOU SAID is because I am on my own weather he is here or not, I have never asked him to stop working there as I love the fact that he is doing what he enjoys , all I want is to be treated fairly and no I am not misserable I am happy but I can't go on doing it all, maybe it is me who has changed and realise that when your husband marrys and has 4 kids he should take some of the responsibility, so please don't think it is a poor man who has no piece , it has been going on 17 years our only row, is about this but since last year it has come to a head as he is just taken it and us for granted, what happens if I could not work, he is making no money to feed us never mind our kid education, money is a issue but it takes TWO people in a marriage to contrbute,and I have tried talking I have tried EVERY THING to understand his love for the farming but every inch I give he takes a mile,

Homegirl 50 · Dec 26, 2010, 10:33 AM

He is doing what he has been allowed to do all of theses years and you are now fed up.
Continue the counseling. It will help you deal with the frustration and anger you feel.
I wish you well.

brigde · Dec 27, 2010, 10:32 AM

Thanks homegirl . And taliman if you wernt so judgementle you whould see the full picture, and I have answered all your questions and have been honest, I talk I have talked for 17 yers and this is were it has me, so there you are, so what you are saying is, its OK for a 50 year old man to work for peanuts as long as he is happy its OK to work at his hobby even if its 24 ,7, its OK to burry his head from any resbonsability. And its certainly OK to get the wife to go with him to counceling but only if the councler tells him that he is so rite and the wife should shut up and put up, but its OK for him to jack it all in if the counceler tells him the oppasit and that he has to change, and its OK if he hurts his kids and wife all because he wants his own way, yes I am a boss and yes I know what is rite and what is wronge so give me some credit for knowing when anough ia anough , I felt like packing it in but no I went anyway, and I told my husband today , its over , and guess what , it felt good to say it, I will keep going to counceling FOR ME to sort out any issues I have , which is how to deal with horrable people..

talaniman · Dec 27, 2010, 10:57 AM

Sorry if I kept misunderstanding you. Must be a translation problem somewhere but glad you took the right actions for yourself.

Good luck!

brigde · Dec 27, 2010, 10:59 AM

Thank you

DoulaLC · Dec 27, 2010, 02:19 PM

I wish you well brigde. It is unfortunate that your husband has not able to see, or has ignored, what his decision to not be more involved with your family has led to. Sometimes it takes the thought of actually losing what you have to make you see what should be obvious.

Hopefully that will be the case for him and he will begin to work with you to improve things. After so many years it would take time to change things around, and it would likely be small steps, but at least it would be a start. Fingers crossed for you!

brigde · Dec 27, 2010, 03:33 PM

Thank you .

talaniman · Dec 27, 2010, 10:28 PM

brigde does not find this helpful : you didn't give a answer you asked me to answer you questions I did and , NOTHING

I am not your husband, and will not be "rowed" at because you are upset. You found your solution, live with it, because though you answered my questions, we don't seem to understand each other very well. Its you who chose to just give up on your marriage, not me, so don't think you will vent your feelings on me like I suspect you have done with your husband for the last two years.

Sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear, but I think you are too emotional at this time to listen to anything I have to say. The others have also given you some great insight, listen to them. I think you are going through the female change at this time, and the only one to know for sure is a doctor, see one, if nothing else, you can eliminate that from the mix. Whatever events in your life that are making you act the way you are, I hope you solve it.

brigde · Dec 28, 2010, 10:58 AM

Sorry had a bottle of wine in me, thanks

talaniman · Dec 28, 2010, 03:33 PM

If a bottle of wine does that then throw away the bottle!!

brigde · Dec 28, 2010, 03:52 PM

Will you stop picking on me I just answering your questions , that YOU asked me to answer, I probely was cheeky in the last reply, I am a bit off men ,ha ha sorry again, and I don't have a drink problem, before you start thinking that,

brigde · Jan 27, 2011, 04:15 PM

Hi there a update on us I ended it after xmas as I felt he was not trying at all, we went to councling ,and I just told felt he was waisting his time as he still insists he will not need to change as it was all my fault, so I walked told the councler she was wasting her time, I made a appointment for myself,he didn't go back for 2 weeks, he was very angry SO ANGRY , so there during the week he told the wains he would go back if I asked him to, I have not had any contact with him for the 2 weeks , only replyed if he text about the wains, so I text hime told him the time and day, he came , still refusing to change , he looks awfull feels so upset and wants it to sort it out, without hom doing a thing or even try, the counceler told him if he won't try and leaves it all to me then we should consider being apart, he was upset and I think a bit shocked as I had sead that I would not go back no mater to the way it was and that I am much clearer and stronger and happier then I was last year, and that yes maybe it was best to stay apart, when we left , I asked was he OK, he asked me to go for a drink with him, the first time in 5 months I seen my real man emerge, we went and had a drink , we got on so well , talked not all about us , but between we told each other how we got through it and it didn't become uneasy or negative, I am scared now ,he will hurt me again, or start playing games , as he did at xmas, I left and said we will talk soon, I was strong, and in control of my emotions, and, I felt more confidint then I did for a long long , time, BUT STILL UNSURE OF HIM AND SCARED TO LET HIM IN AGAIN,

Homegirl 50 · Jan 27, 2011, 04:57 PM

This could be the beginning of something positive either way. Stick to your plan. Don't go back to the same thing.
Thanks for the update, keep us posted.
I wish you well.

QLP · Jan 27, 2011, 07:06 PM

You seem to have talked and talked but I think it's time he actually showed some action. I would tell him that you still love him but that you also need to know that you can rely on him and that he has to show you that you can by his actions.

If he really wants to change then he should be prepared to start working on that before you let him back into your life with open arms or there's not really much chance he will do so after.

I really hope he will make the effort and either way I wish you every happiness.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2011, 08:36 PM

Believe it, or not, this is the face of progress. You have got him thinking, and that's the whole point to dealing with the issues.

Great move going to counseling yourself, when he didn't want to. Keep that up for yourself, and continue to grow, no matter what he does, or how long it takes him to do it. What he does is no longer your problem, its his, and let him have it. But do for yourself, and you will be able to deal with things from a position of strength, and take no crap from anyone, not even him.

I also have to thank you for keeping us updated on your progress, and growth. Many of us who care are heartened by your actions, and love the fact that you have taken a very active plan to improve your situation the right way.

Please keep us updated, and have patience through your journey, as I see nothing but success, and happiness for you down the road. Its not an easy road, but I think you are a tough lady.

DoulaLC · Jan 28, 2011, 04:09 AM

Good to hear some progress has been made... for you in your self-esteem and confidence, for him in waking up a bit that things can not continue as they were.

As the others have said, take your time and remain steadfast with how you need things to change. Old ways of behaviour take time to change, but it seems there is perhaps a start.

You might consider just "dating" for awhile and see how things progress. Continue remaining strong and making sure he is well aware that if there is to be a new relationship, it will be very different from the old one. Time will tell if you might want to give it another go or move on with your new independence.

brigde · Feb 2, 2011, 11:43 PM

We are as far back now again, we went for a walk the last night , it was lovely nothing just arm in arm we talked, he still says he is not going to change, but he apologised for christmas and said he was never be like that again,, we were at the counceling today he keeps stressing he has nothing to change, I have said its 50, 50 or no going back , we went for something to eat after , it was good he was so much more approchable this last week or so , then we went for a drink we played a game of darts a game of pool. And then he became down, and said he will not allow himself to be optomistic as he won't get hurt again, he was argumentive and cold, I know he had a few drinks in him , but he sail that he was not going to change, take it or leave it, so I told him I would leave it,, he had said earlier that the ball was in my court, but there is nothing else I can do , he is again, like christmass , me opening up and letting him in ,and he just takes full advantage and becomes the dictater, is there any way he will ever realise that he was wronge allso. No me getteng the blame over and over again, I am tired of him, giving crumbs and exspecting the big loaf, sorry it's the only way I can discrib it, so so disapointed, with his whole attatude, if this is his love now, its heartbreaking, and the counceler says, he idolises me , oh yea to the exstent he is pushing me so far away, maybe he does not love me and can't tell me ,even though I have told him if he dosunt care or love me anough its better to leave things as they are , what now..