[In_despair]

Last summer I met a woman and we had a whirlwind romance, and both at the point of our lives of where we were ready for a serious life long commitment. Our connection was divine and we "clicked" and had chemistry to the point what I had never felt before.

We moved in together after 2 months, and started having minor problems which I feel is only natural when two people decide to live together after having been on their own for 3+ years. We both made mistakes, and she felt that the pedestal I had put her on initially... I started to take down. I never stopped loving her and made breakfast and dinner almost every day (I like to cook), brought home flowers if I noticed her mood was down, etc...

I'm always helped both people and animals who were in need. It's part of my nature.

Her brother had broken up with his girlfriend of 9 years, and I thought she was distraught because the last time he had broken up with her, I had been told she was devastated. I had met her a couple of times and felt bad that she may being going through depression.

My girlfriend had told me that when she (herself) turned 30, was recently single, she had a terrible birthday emotionally.

The girl in question was turning 30 and for some stupid reason unbenownst to me, I convinced myself that it was okay to set up 2 email accounts one that was xxxx-has-a-secret-admirer@ and the other one secret-crush-2010@. I arranged for an anonymous bouquet to be sent to the restaurant to which the party was being held. In the card it explained that "when one door closes, another opens". I had sent and email to the account for her that would be waiting that mentioned wanting to establish email communications with her. What a beautiful person she was both inside and out. I knew this was wrong shortly after having done it, but my intentions were pure and innocent and simply for the benefit of her state of mind.

I never thought she would respond and I just wanted her to feel special.

In her response she mentioned that she was grateful that someone would go out of their way for her, but she wasn't comfortable communicating with someone she didn't know who was. That was perfect ! I responded (after not having looked at the email account for 1.5 weeks) and said that I was sorry if it had creeped her out, and that perhaps I should have sent the bouquet anonymously and without a card. I ended up with wishing her a Merry Christmas and saying that if fate is at play that we would meet by skating on the same pond (I can't skate) or on a chairlift.

I thought that was it, and it would be gone forever !

Not so... my girlfriend and the girl are great friends, my writing style was recognized, and I admitted it was me. My girlfriend dumped me, moved out, and though a series of email communications I lied once and made another mistake (with dates, or the calendar) She now calls me a liar, but say's that she wants to trust me.

There's no doubt that I made a mistake, but all I wanted to do was help.

Now I find myself in shock, living with anxiety, and depression.

Your thoughts please...

[smoothy]

Yes.. you made a mistake by using deception... that will tick most people off, man or woman alike.

Also jumping into moving in together after only 2 months is also a bit immature... you barely even know each other much less are capable of deciding they are your soul mate. That takes time to develop... a LOOOOOOT more time. You aren't even over the initial infatuation stage... so "love" is impossible to claim at that point.

So how long has it been since jumping into this with both feet before looking both ways?

[In_despair]

I agree with the deception and acknowledge if was 100% wrong. As for 2 months or 10 months, there is no definitive amount of time and has a lot to do with the amount of time 2 people spend together, mindfulness, life perspectives, chemistry, etc.

[smoothy]

You are young... really young. Right?

If you think you can even begin to know someone after only 2 months you can't have much life experience. I don't care if you are with them 24 hours a day...

People are naturally on their best behaviour in the first months... Infatuation does take time to fade, and until it does you can't possibly know if it was love or not... because they feel the same at that stage... only the former WILL fade... and the Latter will grow over time. SO they are in fact total opposites.

I can say that because I am 49 and have had a LOT of girlfriends before I married.

[Fr_Chuck]

We make mistakes, and you made one, ( OK several) so you live and learn. At least it was not after 5 years of marriage and two kids to pay child support on.

[Just_Another_Lemming]

for some stupid reason unbenownst to me, I convinced myself that it was okay to set up 2 email accounts one that was xxxx-has-a-secret-admirer@ and the other one secret-crush-2010@. I arranged for an anonymous bouquet of flowers to be sent to the restaurant to which the party was being held. In the card it explained that "when one door closes, another opens". I had sent and email to the account for her that would be waiting that mentioned wanting to establish email communications with her. What a beautiful person she was both inside and out. I knew this was wrong shortly after having done it, but my intentions were pure and innocent and simply for the benifit of her state of mind.

I ended up with wishing her a Merry Christmas and saying that if fate is at play that we would meet by skating on the same pond (I can't skate) or on a chairlift.

There's no doubt that I made a mistake, but all I wanted to do was help.

Your thoughts please...

I am not trying to be rude, this really is a serious question: Do you have some sort of medical condition that limits your ability to make responsible/grounded social decisions?

If you do, I can understand your confusion with this situation and if you give us a bit more of an explanation as to what exactly you suffer from, we might be able to help you work this through with your girlfriend.

If you don't have a medical condition, here are my thoughts (since you asked): You not only set up one "player" type email acct but TWO. That, along with what you wrote to her, "when one door closes, another opens" & "wanting to establish email communications with her" shows less innocence than you claim here. I am sorry but I can see why your girlfriend isn't buying your story. Honestly, I don't buy it either. If this was as innocent as you say it was, why the heck didn't you talk to your girlfriend about your plans? It simply doesn't make sense when a person is in a committed loving relationship. However, you do mention that you & your girlfriend were having some "minor problems" and both have made mistakes. So, it sounds as if your relationship was a little rocky prior to this "altruistic" decision of yours. You also mention your girlfriend had a lousy birthday when she turned 30 so I know you aren't young and inexperienced. This is the kind of mistake a 12 year old might make, not a man who is in his late 20's or 30's. I got to tell you, like you, I too am kind to children and animals but I would never, ever attempt to do anything remotely close to what you did without discussing my intentions with my significant other. To your girlfriend, what you did was nothing short of a betrayal of her trust. It is hard to read this as anything other than you hitting on her brother's ex-gf and not expecting to be found out (at least not as quickly as you were). You should have known that your girlfriend might continue to speak with this girl and the girl would talk to her about a secret admirer. Just because her brother broke up with his girlfriend doesn't mean a woman will end her relationship with the ex-gf if they were very friendly.

[DoulaLC]

You "thought" the girlfriend might be distraught, or might be going through depression, but you didn't know for sure.

Of course she would be feeling badly. That would be perfectly natural after breaking up with someone, but a simple, "I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now" would have been more appropriate. Far too much involvement for someone you don't even really know... two secret accounts?

I agree, it was an unusual move to make, and at the very least it should have been discussed with your girlfriend beforehand.

It sounds as though your intentions were good, but misguided. I would be upset as well if I were your girlfriend.

About all you can do is acknowledge that it was a stupid idea at trying to make someone feel better that blew up in your face. Apologize for not discussing the idea with your girlfriend to get her input on it (the girl is her friend after all, not yours), and even more so for lying to try and cover things up.

Save your caring nature for your girlfriend, close friends, family, and being open about reaching out to others you may want to help.

[adthern]

The things we do, we do for reasons... I don't doubt that you believed your intent to be to only help her out. Though, it seems to me that you were lacking something in your relationship (excitement, fun, reckless abandon) something... and this was a fun way to try and have some fun and help and ignore the problems in your relationship.

It is hard to break routines, it really really is... once you lived together, life took on a routine, which by its definition is mundane.

My suggestion is to move on, figure out if you really liked the other girl or it was strictly for the fun... one annonomous email maybe but two... this was definitely an adventure for you...

I am not saying that anything you did was wrong from your perspective, if you were not happy then make yourself happy, if that measn playing online flirts so be it if it means ending the relationship and finding something else you pick!