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Young_Restless · Dec 22, 2010, 08:02 AM

I know some of you may read this question and think, "Why the hell would you give a cheater a second chance?" And trust me I was on that side of the fence too before I fell too deep for my current boyfriend. He cheated this year, at the beginning of May and everything fell apart. It would have been our two year anniversary that month and what hurt the most was that I found out from one of my best friends and not him, I didn't even know he had gone out that night.. But obviously I dumped him straight away when I found out the truth, I had never expected him to cheat, and so did my friends, they thought he was such a great guy... I ignored him until I thought that maybe I could forgive him and allow him to come back but the trust issue has been really bad and he still wants to go clubbing now though he said that he has changed... HOw do I trust him again? Or should I kick his *** to the curb?

answerme_tender · Dec 22, 2010, 08:24 AM

Bottom line is can you REALLY move past this and start trusting him again! It really doesn't matter what anyone else feels about you going back with him after his indescretion, its what you can live with.

You are not married to this man! If he has already cheated on you, then what is to stop him from doing it again, its always easier after the first time! If he hasn't tried to change his ways then why are you willing to put yourself through this type of hurt again.

It maybe time to move on, but only you can make that decision. I don't know, loving someone who has screwed your over is hard to explain to others, but I can tell you been there done that. They don't usually change, if once a cheater they usually will do it again especially if not married!! It maybe time for you to move on for your own healing of this break in trust. I will also say this, don't take this break in trust into any future realtionships, just because he is a loser doesn't mean any future guy would be. I wish you luck with your choice!

Devorameira · Dec 22, 2010, 08:55 AM

The only way you can trust him is if he proves himself as trustworthy again. If he can’t PROVE it through his actions (not words), then you won't be able to regain the trust.

Remember - You can’t ever change a cheater or hope to “fix” him. If he isn’t able to demonstrate that he’s changed his ways, it’s probably not going to happen with your help.

I worry about your guy’s sincerity because he’s still clubbing and knows that bothers you, while he should be remorseful and be working at making you feel loved and secure.

Statistically it doesn’t look good. Most cheaters don’t just cheat, they lie about other things too, so if you decide to stay with him, keep your eyes and ears open.

Inspired · Dec 22, 2010, 10:29 AM

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been there myself. I was madly in love with a man 4 years ago and he cheated on me after being with me for 5 months. As Devorameira stated above, most cheaters don't just cheat but they lie about other things too. The guy I was with lied about other things but I just ignored it until he cheated. Does your guy lie about other things? This maybe an indication that you will not be able to trust even his words with cheating and other matters as well.

I gave the guy I was with another chance and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. When I gave him another chance, he did everything he could to try to show me that he is sincere. It was initially wonderful and I started to trust him again. However another 6 months went by and he cheated again. To make matters worse, he continued to cheat after the first incident but just got better at hiding it. I was crushed and completely hurt and vowed from that point onward to never give a cheater another chance.

If you read my blogs, I recently went through a breakup because the guy cheated. No matter how wonderful he was to me, I just couldn't give him another chance.

All I am telling you to do is follow your gut. We are not here to judge your decisions, but to help you. If your gut says that you cannot trust him and he will cheat and it is a much bigger headache to stay and try to work things out, then leave. However, if you feel that he is making an effort in his actions to improve, and you can forgive him, then continue on your path with him.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2010, 04:17 PM

You kicked him to the curb once, you can do it again, and have a proper healing. Remember he didn't confess his shortcomings to you, he got caught! I don't know if he is still cheating, but I do think you need to remove yourself completely from this situation, and give yourself a lot more time to get your confidence back.

steph13 · Dec 22, 2010, 04:47 PM

Once a cheater always a cheater

Young_Restless · Dec 28, 2010, 11:02 PM

I feel he is trying to change and he doesn't hang out with his league buddies (he started hanging in this crowd when he cheated and his friends all cheat on their girl friends or they are serial daters), I should add that my boyfriend plays in a famous sports team in my country, so there are the groupies that try and hang around but he is really remorseful and he has given up his rights to privacy, such as allowing me to go through his mobile and texts, Facebook & hotmail passwords etc. But it was one night so I don't know what to do because I still love him but I still don't fully trust him, even though it's 7 months since he cheated, he sees me and whenever I need him, he is there and so but I don't know how to foget about it because you can never forget that kind of pain right??

And thank you for your helpful answers, its easier to talk to you guys than my family and friends because after my boyfriend did that they totally hate him...

answerme_tender · Dec 29, 2010, 08:16 AM

I will say one thing---Its sounds like you want to continue a relationship with this man. If that is true, then it is only fair to stop dwelling on this issue, it is time to move past it. You are just making yourself upset and insecure, and that will just reflect back on how you react to him. People make mistakes, even ones as hurtful as this one, some people learn from them and never make the same one again.

I understand how hard it is not being able to talk to close friends because you don't want them to judge your relationship, or judge your decision to stay. This is your decision to stay or not, but you're a grown woman and have every right to give the man you love another chance without having to justify your choice!!

I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but I tend to advise to get out relationship if not married if they have already cheated because of the pain, but I tend to forget that everyone deserves a second chance if there is true love there. Good luck

Jake2008 · Dec 29, 2010, 08:40 AM

I don't believe that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' theory. Not everybody fits into that little ticky box, and therefore should be dismissed because of future actions that may or may not take place.

To re-establish trust, when two parties love each other and are committed to each other, and one has breeched that trust, is possible.

But, saying it, and actually making the changes necessary to be trustworthy again, are two different things.

If all he is doing is saying you can trust him now, and he expects you to believe that he'll never do it again, in my book that is not reason enough to just forget what he did.

Regardless of what his occupation is, there are groupies. There are temptations from women who would flirt with him if he were a co-worker at a call centre, or a teacher at the same school, or the cashier at the counter at the grocery store. His sports 'status' only gives him more opportunity, but opportunity exists anywhere.

Talking the talk is not the same as walking the walk. If he's willing to change, address the issues, and learn how his behaviour has affected you (not to mention how you rightfully do not trust him now), then he would agree to counselling to get the cards on the table. Serious couples counselling is hard work, but necessary work to understand, and then mend, a breech of trust.

Trusting him will not happen just because he says you should.

There is nothing acceptable about cheating on a partner under any circumstances. And when a party chooses to cheat, there has to be some serious work involved, to begin to repair the damage done.

If he is unwilling, and essentially opening himself up again to cheat by not making changes with you, then I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

Young_Restless · May 11, 2011, 06:26 AM

Hi all :) Well its been 1 year since I was told my current boyfriend was grinding in a club with another girl and I gave him another chance and we're still together as of this day :) It hasn't been easy but I believe we're much closer and I now see the guy I fell in love with and not a stranger. He's hates to dwell on the past because it still makes him cringe about what he did to me and I don't either but we're taking the trust issue one step at a time but this guy has totally done a 360 which means no going out and drinking. These were my conditions for him to get me back and to find a job other than his sports career, he is now going to study at Uni next semester and changed his friends as he believes they were holding him back. I believe we all make mistakes, he made a bad one but I have learnt to forgive and forget and that has set me free of the burden and insecurities and what he has done to prove he is truly sorry and regretted what he did has helped me move forward... All I can say is I'm so happy :)