[Bollusmad]

Hi,
I've been with my girlfriend for 7years I'm 32 and she's 25, we have had 2 break ups in the past one was only for a week which was my idea, but then we missed each other so got back together! But the last tine was 2 years ago and that was more serous and we split for 3months but again we missed each other so got back together! But in last 2 years it hasn't been the same we go through patches where we are so close and happy then we rowl and it turns nasty for awhile, a lot of it is because of trust she likes a drink and clubbing and when she's hammered she's the biggest flirt which I don't mind but she cheated on me a few months ago because of drink and after begging me to give her another chance etc etc I did and we rowl about that a lot because she continues to go out getting hammered and flirting? But my problem is when she's sober she's a lovely girl and we are happy 2gever most of the time? But after a rowl the other night she's said she's leaving! I no I can't b begging her to stay because that's just making me out to be clingy and a mug, what's best way for me to deal with this? Deep down I don't really want her to go and I no she loves me! Do I just throw 7years down the drain?

[Jessicacn]

If you do not throw it away now. Just prepare that it may company you for life time. How do you think of that?

[Jake2008]

If I only had a nickel for all the times that people said to me, "when he/she is not drinking they are the nicest person", I'd be a millionaire.

She has made her choices, and lives her life, as she wants to. She chooses to drink, flirt, have sex with other men. That is her lifestyle. When she is sober, she switches back to being a 'sweet' person, and the relationship carries on, until the next time she becomes a clubbing boozehound. And the pattern repeats itself.

Unless she is willing to address the lifestyle that probably broke the two of you up, you will forever be left with the hangover. Getting your hopes up that this time she's serious, she's going to change her ways, she's going to get help for her drinking- the pattern will keep you hanging in there because you want to believe her, but, has she ever actually addressed the issues?

What she does is also risky, STD's for one. She sets herself up by drinking, to make decisions that are fueled by the lifestyle she chooses, and if she hasn't already had some serious regrets and consequences, she will.

But even if she does have remorse over this repetative pattern of behaviour, what has she done to indicate to you that she's going to change.

Eventually you will have to realize that she's either serious enough to put you first, and do what she has to do to keep the relationship, and herself, healthy, or, she's going to carry on as she always has.

Which puts the choice squarely on your shoulders, as to whether you want to continue fooling yourself.

[I wish]

It's more about accepting her the lifestyle of her choice. You can't expect her to change for the sake of the relationship.

I understand that 7 years feels like a huge investment, but you can't stay in a relationship just for the sake of not wanting to waste your investment. You need to stay together because you really do love each other.

7 years is a long time and unfortunately, if you haven't worked out most of your problems by now, then do you really think another 7 years would do you any good?

You've already broken up twice and if you haven't solved the problems that broke you up the first few times, then this relationship is just going to blow up again.

I would say that if you can't nail down your problems so that you can come to a common understanding instead of rehatching the same problems over again, then you're better off going your separate ways.

[Bollusmad]

Thanks so much for the reply Jake,
And yeah your right I've heard that said enough times about when there sober they are the nicest of people!
Strange how it effects you different when it's the person you love,
In her defence she has only ever cheated on me once, I don't want to stand up for her because I do think she drinks too much when she goes out and has been in some really bad states and I've told her that if she carrys on she'll end up in the gutter or rapped! Or cheating on me again! She knows she's got to calm down, and since she cheated on me 3months ago she has calmed down abit but I still worry about her, maybe the problem with us Rowling is my fault because I chose to forgive her but still think the worst when she's out, I can't stop her going out as it's what she enjoys and like you say it is her lifestyle same as my lifestyle is going to the gym and training!
I quess I always think she's still young and will grow out of the clubbing stage!
We have decided to give it another go and try and both compromise she will calm down drinking and we'll go out more together plus when she is out with friends I'm gonaa try and not let my paranoia start the rowls, not really sure how things will work out, but guess if we love each other and have done for 7 years that's a good start...

[kaka67]

In her defence she has only ever cheated on me once

Your defending her after she willingly slept with someone else?? I wouldn't even give her my time.

.......if we love each other and have done for 7 years thats a good start...

There is no "we" in this relationship. There is you and then there is her.

If there was a "we" you wouldn't have this problem because she would have spent the 3 months apart dealing with her stuff and getting her act together. If she loved you that much she would have done that.

Her actions are telling you something. Pay attention.

Good Luck

[Devorameira]

Let her go and move on. Sounds like you're not even on the same page. You're grown up and she's not making any effort to mature. Indeed there are some people that never grow up.

You sound so nonchalant about her sleeping with someone else... I don't understand that at all. Don't blame it on alcohol, it was HER fault. Think about it, if she actually felt horrible about it, then she'd have quit the bar scene entirely.

[Fr_Chuck]

I read on here time and time again, about bad things that happened, and they all start with?? Well we were out drinking, and it goes down hill from there.

She has made a choice and prefers to drink over having a happy relationship with you. Do you want the next 7 years to be exactly like this or worst, how much pain are you willing to have to put up with it.

There are groups for partners of people who drink through the AA and other groups, perhaps you need to be with a support group for this.

[talaniman]

Maybe what you need is knowledge and facts of what you are up against, so you can make a decision that works for you both. Check out these sites.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Al Anon Family Groups

Being a recovering drunk myself, I know first hand the misery and pain drunks and addicts can cause others, and the denials of all concerned.

There is help, and there is hope, its just a matter of being willing to get it, for you both. Everyone thought I was the best guy in the world too!

[sally956]

You know what I reckon use need to sit together and have a chat.. no one can help you trust me I've gone through this with my ex he use to be such an ******* when drunk then when he's sober he use to be so nice.but the only difference is that I tried heaps of times to work it out with him but there was never a solution.shes saying she's leaving you only because 1- she's trying to get her way/teach you a lesson 2-because she's seriously over it 3-she just doesn't want to be told whaat to do. I don't think you should let her go so easily but at the same time if she doesn't want to start changing and work things out then there's no point.shes clearly carried away and not noticing that what she's doing is breaking use apart.thats how I was I use to talk to guys all day long and my ex use to tell me not to but I never noticed what's wrong until after I left him.just think about it and sit her down and have a long calm chat :) that's all I can help you with hope it helps.. good luck I wish use all the best tc