[some1else]

I'm female. 15 years ago I was 15 and I inappropriately rubbed/fondled my younger male cousin who was almost 12 over his trousers. I don't know why I did it - but I did it half a dozen occasions (Once over his underwear). Maybe it was a power thing, maybe I was just plain stupid. I'm not trying to find excuses. I don't even remember getting any sexual gratification. But I do remember it being wrong - because I waited until there were no adults around.

I remember that when I was very young I always played touching and imitated sexual stuff with boys, but don't know how this started. I also remember us both being semi naked under the sheets and rubbing our genitals (no underwear) against this same cousin when I was around 8 which would have made him around 4-5. Also, sometimes when he would visit I would put his hands down my underwear- I think I was around 10 or 11. When I think about it and type I feel like a sick sub human - a Monster.

At around 16 I moved away from where I grew up and have never seen that side of my family or cousin since. I am unsure whether he told anybody. Around the age of 17 18 I started to think about what terrible things I had done, and they would play on my conscious, but I felt too ashamed and disgusted to tell my Mum and was worried about the consequences, and decided to push it to the back of my mind and try to minimise it as just fooling around.

But even now in my 30s I sometimes think about it, I feel so guilty, ashamed, and more importantly concerned at the level of pain and confusion I have probably caused him and that I may have destroyed his life and future relationships. I also worry that I may have turned him into a potential molester. (They say children that this happened to are more likely to do the same)

From the age of 12 onwards I had no contact with males - I went to a single sex school and my Dad had left home. I was severely bullied and left school at almost 14, this resulted in me being a recluse so I never experimented with or was around people my age esp boys during puberty - But I know what I did was wrong. I'm not trying to justify - just trying to rationalise this irrational set of circumstances.

I can't judge myself by the standards of 15 year olds now as they are so much more advanced in so many areas than I was back then, So I can only look back retrospectively.
I believe that 15 was old enough to know better. So I honestly don't know what the hell possessed me to do it. The stuff I did before my teen years could possibly be seen as experimentation. But I don't know how to judge or label my behaviour at 15, especially as I was quite physically developed and I don't think my cousin had gone through puberty so was still physically a boy

I have had no contact with him and don't intend to get in contact and potentially destroy his life any further.
After the incident at 15 I never touched anybody sexually until around 25. I would never dream of harming a child. I am not a risk and have never thought of children in an inappropriate manner.

Sometimes for selfish reasons I think that there could be a possibility it didn't affect him. I got touched by other children when I was younger and have never dwelled on it or have it play in my mind- but every child is different and how this follows them into adulthood - nobody knows.

I don't know why I am posting on here, But I am so sorry for what I did. This is a guilt and self loathing that I will have to live with. And if this is what I feel - what of my cousin?

[Fr_Chuck]

You already have enough guilt for me to make a statement of judgement, and I will assume beyond this, you have had little or no other issues about this type of thing.

The issue now is for you to get over and recover from something has appears to have effected you for years and years.

Admitting is a first step, and I would advise professional counseling.

[joypulv]

You were touched inappropriately first. You do not need to feel shame and guilt about your young years. You are taking charge of it, and that part is good. Even a 15 year old, who may be pretty worldly in ways, cannot be expected to have the moral judgment to undo what was done to them.
You did not become a monster. Try to think for now that your cousin isn't one either.
I'm not so sure that I wouldn't try to find out, from a distance, what that cousin is doing with his life now at age 27. It may be a clue that he is doing well. If so, perhaps you could carefully think of a way to arrange a short meeting in a public but quiet place like a library or church or park, where you very briefly say that you are sorry and hope that he is OK.
I agree that therapy would be good, and a good therapist could help with the above, if it is deemed appropriate.