[mike92331]

Hi my name is Mike and I'm trying to figure out what to do. Me and my girlfriend have broken up a few days ago after almost 4 years. We had plans of marrying and building a house together and settling down. We always talked about growing old together. We had always argued like any couple would and had our pros and cons. We were young when we met and fell in love almost instantly. We have 2 dogs together and so many things we worked to have. One day she said she misses her family and wants to move back with them and figure if this is what she really wanted and if she really loves me. She said she wanted to remain friends at the time. It turns out ONE day after she left she is talking to another guy and now she is going to spend the night at his house. I freaked out emotionally and ruined the whole friendship thing. Now she refuses to talk to me and hates me. Im trying so hard to move on but I thought she was the one to spend forever with and now its all gone before my eyes. I keep having weird dreams about her talking to me and I'm asking where she is where I can find her but she never answers. The worst part about the whole situation is this guy is such a horrible person, he is a player, abusive and just wants to sleep with her. I naturally have the feeling to protect her and want the best for her so its so hard to see her going to get hurt. I just feel like my world is turned upside down now and I don't even know how to go on. Im all alone when I get home from work. I look at my dogs and it seems as though they even miss her which kills me. My pillows smell like her hair and everyone says I will move on but I started making my decisions in life around US and now I feel so lost. It honestly feels like I'm supposed to be alone for some punishment for not treating her good enough. I can't even tell her sorry because she refuses to talk to me.

[ironhide262]

Sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, your story is not unique... many stories like yours on this forum.

To just leave a 4 year relationship because she simply missed her family should have had you thinking something is definitely up. Most definitely she has been seeing this guy for quite a while before she decided to leave you.

Don't worry about ruining the frendship thing... you finally saw her for what she was... a cheater and lier. Besides, would you want to be friends with someone who treated you that way?

I understand how much of a shock this has all been on you but, it's time to start moving on... make yourself #1 priority. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her at home( take down pictures, wash everything, rearrange the furniture)Read the stickies at the top of the relationship page... lots of great info there on how to move on after breakups. Feel free to come on this forum and share your feelings... many people here are in the same position you are so we can all relate. Hang in there... start the healing process by accepting that she is gone and make the steps to happiness. Best of luck!

[mike92331]

Its all so hard though. To move on isn't the hard part I don't believe. It's that I naturally care for this women and seeing her start to be with an abusive guy is killing me.Im scared I've been with this women for so long I won't know how to meet another.

[talaniman]

Don't worry about her, she is doing her thing, and when you get over the shock, and accept that its over, you will move on to whatever your thing is. Sure it sucks for now, because she had a big head start on this break up, but you will catch up.

[mike92331]

Im having the hardest time deciding if I should wait for her to come back if she ever will. Everyone tells me move on to your future and the right woman will come you are a great man and you will find someone to respect you and you will just know.

[Jiser]

Yeh that statement is kind of a generalisation.

Time waits for no one. So get on and live. Don't 'wait'. Just get on with what you did before her. Yeh it sucks and it hurts but you have to.

Plan some things like travel, seeing new places, get better in your job. When your in a better place emotionally your know.

[talaniman]

Why wait? There are more options and opportunities to be happy than just her. Go find them.

[awayandalone]

Your situation sounds almost exactly like my own. My relationship was only two years but we had similar hopes and dreams. I took an internship to better our future and create a decent life for us. Now 3 months later I only feel a little better. She is now dating the rotten guy she too supposedly met the day after breaking up with me. It breaks my heart that I care for her so much and this guy is such bad news but it is better and easier to forget it all and focus on you. Read my thread and you'll see the pain I've gone through. Don't put yourself through it. Break all contact now and start to live for yourself.
Take melatonin it will really help you sleep and helped the dreams go away for me. This site will help you a lot to know there are others out there in the same situation. If your willing to accept it everyone here will give you great advice. There is no reason to wait to start living your life for yourself. You now see her true colors put her memories in a box, take her off her pedestal and in time you'll feel better and meet a more amazing girl soon enough.
Keep posting it will help a lot to get your emotions off your mind. Wish you the best of luck.

[acciosnivellus]

I can somewhat relate to your situation. I just left my boyfriend of 4 years. Our relationship ended because of different issues (his alcohol abuse and constant lying), but I understand how everything can just vanish right before you. I still feel protective over him too (scared his drinking will get out of control, scared for his future, etc), even though he's screwed me over a million times. Everyone tells me to not worry about him and to move on and not think about him anymore. It's not that easy after 4 years of being with someone you're madly in love with. I had my whole future planned out with him, marriage, our house, our pets, our careers.. then it all disappeared in a matter of a day. I feel so very lost and my future is so foggy now. I'm starting to get over the shock of it all ending, but I feel so empty every day. I, too, have had many odd dreams and sleepless nights since the split. It's very foreign to imagine that I will eventually be with someone else.. it's an uneasy feeling since he's all I've known for so long. Anyway, I'm just letting you know that you are not alone. I think time to focus on yourself is important right now. I've been trying to distract myself with old hobbies, it helps somewhat. I don't have much advice here since I'm still in the beginning, raw stages of healing, but hopefully time will truly heal as much as everyone says. I have a feeling it will. Hang in there buddy.

[mike92331]

Its been a couple days now. I work long days as I'm a metal roofer and that helps a lot mostly because it's a family business and I'm with my old man and my litte brother, but when I get home its like all hell breaks loose with my emotions. The hardest thing for me to deal with is she told me she was leaving to have some time alone and find herself, but the DAY after she leaves she is with another guy. She swore to me this was her reasoning I just don't understand how someone who SUPPOSEDLY loved me for almost 4 years could hurt me so badly like that. I know this relationship will not last, this guy is EVERYTHING she has ever told me she hates in me, smokes drinks,abusive,cheater. Maybe that's killing me too, telling myself it won't last. If I go NC and everything works out for me I'm so afraid she will come back to me crying or calling me to get back together and me being s sucker will total-ally let her in again. Am I wrong for being this way? When I try to talk to other women now I feel like cheating or something will this feeling always last?

[talaniman]

Naw, when you get over it after a proper healing over time, none of this will affect you at all because you will have moved to a better place and no longer have time to look back because it will be full steam ahead. Someday you will see this break up as a perfect way to find better happiness in your life.

[mike92331]

This sounds pathetic but I feel like this place is the only place I can talk to someone. All my friends were slowly blocked out in our 4 year period. It was always just me and her.Everything. Bike rides, walks, dinners, nights out, every night we slept together in the bed I'm in right now, we had our own special way to say goodnight. All my friends have moved onto college or better things. So I feel like I honestly have no one to vent to or even cry to. Im so afraid to try to love someone again because this feeling is just unbearable. I try everyday to start NC but I always check up on her because I'm so afraid of this man abusing her. He has a big past of hurting women. I always wanted to be a pastry chef but it hurts to pursue that goal because we were ALWAYS talking about starting a bakery together. Im just scared mostly.

[mystific]

You need to start focusing on the future. The 'lost' feeling now will go with time. I know it doesn't feel it, but it does.

So everything you did was with her and you grew apart from old friends, its now time to grow a new and exciting future with all new adventures. There's new hobbies to take up, new friends to make... achieve YOUR goals.

You have to remember, she didn't take any of this into account when she went. What you'd both been working towards didn't apparently mean as much to her as it did to you. You need to start making yourself important and #1 again.

She's chosen her path Mike, its time to find the path for you.

[awayandalone]

I agree with Mystific, you need to make yourself #1 again. You should be important in your life and make a life that you enjoy.

This feeling of hurt will not last forever. The wound is still fresh and every time you check on her its like your poking at it again and again and it will never heal that way. Start NC now and stick to it, it will help you heal.

I know its probably a task right now just to get out of bed but you have to do it and if you can join a gym. I worked out like crazy right after my break up and now I'm in the best shape I've been in since high school, which really helped boost my confidence back up.

You said you've disconnected with old friends, well what better time than now to reconnect with those friends... dont drown them in your relationship sorrows, but instead talk about old times you may have shared. This is what social sites like Facebook or twitter are for, so you can connect with friends old and new. The first few days maybe weeks or a month or two will be rough, but if you let yourself heal and stick to NC one day you'll wake up and realize you aren't sad, you aren't crying and you can get on with your life and your goals. You can do this man! And many of us are here to help! Stay strong.

[mike92331]

Everything has been getting SO much better. It may sound weird but that night everything happened I prayed to God. Now I'm not religious, I almost felt desperate. I didn't pray for her to come back, but I prayed for help to become stronger and help me get through this and works things out for myself. Last night I was on Facebook setting up my total NC,:P, then out of nowhere my Aunt I haven't seen for years who I was SO close with messaged me. Then this women I haven't talked to in a while started talking to me. I told her about losing my best friend, and she told me she never really had a best friend and felt alone. It all just went up and up from there, we ended up talking from like 9:30pm until almost 4:00 in the morning without a breath in between! It was so great to talk to someone and hit it off so good. The best part is we always kind of liked each other before but never talked much. Now I wouldn't care if we just became best friends for life because its so great to have someone to tell everything too again. Its like someone up above is really helping me out and giving me a hand to help pull myself out of this ditch.(p.s help me out guys give me some advice, am I setting myself up again for something bad to happen again, my head is kind of up in the clouds so any advice guys would be great. And thank you for all of your previous advice. Its time to start doing me and don't look back :D.
I look forward to helping any of you guys the way you helped me out in my time of need. Once again thank you guys soooooo much.

[talaniman]

You probably are on cloud nine because you are getting a preview of life after a break up ain't half bad once you see other options, and opportunities to explore. There is much of the world to explore now, but go slow, and enjoy it, and spread some joy when you can.

[mike92331]

Ok here is my slight dilemma, I am 18 years old and she is 16, is this a bad choice for me. I mean I don't plan on dating her or anything,yet. I just like talking to her and stuff. I would never do anything stupid as I see myself as a very smart man. I just don't know if people will look down upon it because of the gap. I mean we are just best friends right now. Is this OK?

[talaniman]

At this time it's a bad idea, I think, to latch to closely on anyone, whether as a friend, or otherwise because the chances for a rebound are both tempting, and great for you. A more balanced approach to both friendships and activities is the way to go until you get your feet under you, and as for the 16 year old, keep a better distance, as its very easy for you to say best friends, and give her attention that could lead a young impressionable mind to wander.

Good intentions do not always translate to good outcomes, and your playing with fire right now with the young girl. For now I say stick to those mature enough, and experienced enough, to know how to handle themselves in an appropriate manner. Healing is the priority, NOT future romance.

Know one knows how they will feel after they have a proper healing, and its best not to get carried away by your new found good feelings for now, until you have ample time to get used to it.

[mike92331]

Yea, the thing is we both lost our bestfriends, so we kind of started talking and I just didn't know if it was OK to hang out, go for walks and that kind of thing. I only want to be friends I know she is young but she is a really easy person to talk to

[talaniman]

You both are vulnerable, to each other, be responsible as the older more sensible one, and don't get selfish because of your situation or needs.

Bad idea, with a younger female. Bad idea with any female. Your choice, maybe you should pray for wisdom?