[lilflower99]

Please help me. Here are some reasons I suspect he may be gay:

- In the beginning we were slow to be intimate... I would ask him why he wouldn't initiate stuff, and he couldn't come up with an answers for me, he said he literally didn't really know... but later on he said he was afraid to do anything that might offend me because he didn't know how ready I was. I actually wondered if he was gay back then because he didn't seem too interested in sex with me... but he adores everything else about me, calls me baby, calls me beautiful, etc. One time we spent the night at his parent's house and he didn't even make the moves then! I was upset about that. I thought, what guy wouldn't take the opportunity to get frisky? He would talk about having sex more than he wanted to do it. But then again, other times he was into it and did suggest it. We even went to a sex toy store together, and no, he wasn't interested in the gay sex toys. We both laughed a little at the giant penises, but that was all. So it's hard to gauge his interest level.
- On the topic of a children's show with gay characters, he said he wouldn't let his children watch it, that he'd turn off that "sh*t"... I heard guys who are secretly gay often say negative things about it.
- He seems to lack emotional intimacy... he never likes to kiss THAT much. He gives a lot of kisses on the cheek, head, etc, not many deep kisses, which I love. Kissing is the most basic form of romantic expression...

Now, lack of emotional intimacy could be from his upbringing- he was adopted and grew up in foster care until age 4 with a mean sister as his only family. He even admitted to me, he "kinda" has intimacy issues. I know he's had therapy for his issues.

- During sex there is not much physical touching/kissing besides sex itself.
- We've had sex "back there" once because he really wanted to with me, but everything else was normal sex, and he does go down on me, and has said he fantisizes about going down on me, has dreams about having sex with me, etc.


Other things I wonder about: he mentioned he thinks his dad is gay and has found gay porn on his dad's computer some time ago.
He told me gay guys have hit on him.
He told me he has lesbian friends
... would he have told me these things to gauge my reaction?

How do I approach the subject? I don't know about asking flat out. I once had an elementary school "boyfriend" who turned out to be gay in adulthood. Could I use this as an approach? I really like him... he's said he wants a family with me and everything... I need to either put my worries to rest or need him to be honest about his sexuality. People say when you have a feeling, you're usually right, but I just don't know if it all adds up or if I'm paranoid. I know he watches porn occasionally and I *think* I've seen lesbian porn but I don't know if he has gay porn too. But from the beginning it was weird physically as I mentioned...

[Synnen]

You will know if your boyfriend is gay in two ways and ONLY two ways:

1. You catch him in bed with another man, physically in the act of having sex (no--porn doesn't count)
2. He tells you.

There is NO SECRET sign that someone is gay! There is NO WAY for someone on the internet to be able to tell some person's sexuality whom they have never met. There is no series of events or clues that will let you know if someone is gay.

What this comes down to is that YOU do not TRUST your boyfriend.

If that's the case, you may as well end it now, because without that trust, your relationship will crumble, and it will get nasty in the end.

[lilflower99]

So your advice is to simply end it now? Well, I really hope someone else gives me some guidance on how to approach this delicate situation, since that's what this board is all about.

[Wondergirl]

Before I would guess he's gay, I would consider Asperger's. That would explain much of what you wrote.

[lilflower99]

How so?

[Wondergirl]

First of all, please realize the autism spectrum is huge, and Asperger's isn't a handicap as much as just another way of processing information -- not wrong, just different from the rest of us who are "normal."

You had said:

- In the beginning we were slow to be intimate
- he couldn't come up with an [explanation]
- he literally didn't really know
- later on he said he was afraid to do anything that might offend me
- he didn't seem too interested in sex with me
- he adores everything else about me, calls me baby, calls me beautiful, etc.
- he didn't even make the moves [alone at his parent's house]
- he would talk about having sex more than he wanted to do it.
- other times he was into it and did suggest it.
- he wasn't interested in the gay sex toys.
- it's hard to gauge his interest level
- he said he wouldn't let his children watch [gay characters]
- he seems to lack emotional intimacy
- he never likes to kiss THAT much
- He gives a lot of kisses on the cheek, head, etc, not many deep kisses
- he lacks emotional intimacy
- he "kinda" has intimacy issues
- During sex there is not much physical touching/kissing besides sex itself.

I can connect each of the above to Asperger's.

[lilflower99]

My goodness, well anything is a possibility I suppose. And, it's like some things indicate it, some don't, as listed. This is why I would at least be able to "rule out" him being gay, if it really isn't the case. The question is just how to do this..

I also meant to add that he's 28 and HAS had 2 long term past relationships with women, lasting 5 years and 2 years.

[Wondergirl]

For years, I thought my husband was gay. He simply has officially-undiagnosed Asperger's. I figured it out two years ago, and he agreed it makes sense. (He had gfs before me, long-time relationships. Asperger's people hate change, thus the long-term, I'm guessing.) Do you want an online test for it? You can pretend to be him as you answer the multiple-choice questions. That will at least give you an inkling of confirmation and help you to be more understanding, if Asperger's seems likely.

I've found that people with Asperger's are supremely intelligent, but have enough personality quirks that they don't "fit in" easily with the rest of us. Often, they get along well with animals who "think in pictures" (and hate change!) just like they do.

[lilflower99]

Sure.

[Wondergirl]

Psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen (brother to Sacha Baron-Cohen of Borat fame) and his buddies at Cambridge's Autism Research Centre created this Autism-Spectrum Quotient --

Wired 9.12: Take The AQ Test

[Synnen]

So your advice is to simply end it now? Well, I really hope someone else gives me some guidance on how to approach this delicate situation, since that's what this board is all about.

No, my advice is that NO ONE can tell you that your boyfriend is gay except your boyfriend--and I doubt he is.

There are a LOT of reasons (and Wondergirl has brought up a probable one) that someone doesn't act the way you expect them to as far as intimacy goes.

I mean really--he doesn't want to get frisky at his parents and you consider that a possible sign that he's gay? I absolutely REFUSE to have sex in someone else's house. Drives my husband crazy, but I think it's disrespectful to my host. He doesn't want his children to watch a show with gay characters, and you jump right to he might be gay because you heard that gay guys say negative things about stuff like that? Maybe he's religious! He doesn't like deep kissing? Let me tell you honey--about half the guys I dated NEVER did the deep kissing thing. It's not a guy thing in a lot of ways.

What I'm saying is that you're paranoid, frankly. I see this as YOUR trust problems.

And I STILL stand by my answer that there are only two ways to know if someone is gay.

[smoothy]

Unless your boyfriend admits to being gay... or until you actually catch him playing hide the Salami... even then if he's been intimate with you that would make him bi.

He may just be an effeminate type of guy vs. a he-man, either one doesn't make him gay or even rule it out..

[CravenMorhead]

Since you're unsatisfied with what Synnen has to say I will add something.

Human sexuality is a continuum. No one is completely gay or completely straight. Most people hover towards the heterosexual end of the scale but as you get further along you get into bisexuality and homosexuality.

To paraphrase Dan Savage from Savage Love, Unless you find him f**king, or being f**ked, by some other guy then he's not gay.

What I am seeing here is common. You've made up the conclusion that he is Gay and you are looking for evidence to support your conclusion. You are looking for everything you can and you're presenting the evidence here so that we will agree and you can justify doing what ever you're planning on doing. Not likely.

So here it is. I don't believe your is gay. I also don't believe that you really understand men but that is just an opinion. Both are actually. Let us look at the evidence:
1). He eats your *****. He goes down on you. He covers his face in all the fluids from your neither regions. He enjoys it and fantasizes about it.
2). He enjoys putting his **** in you. You being a woman; not a man. While the physical intimacy might not be completely there it doesn't change the fact that he likes putting pee-pee in your hoo-hoo.
3). The gay porn. Would you have blinked if you had found hardcore lesbian porn there? That is still gay porn. Wait a second that is different isn't it? Nope. Porn is porn no matter who is involved. It is the seed of a fantasy. It means little. It could be the expert blow jobs or what not. Who knows. Is it something to be concerned about? Nope. The only porn to be concerned about is Child Porn.
4) The anti-gay comments. He could just be a bigot. That is a possibility. While there is the possibility that a closeted homosexual will be anti-gay, it is more likely that he has strong opinions on how children be raised. He could also be ignorant of the biological and psychology aspects of being gay. IE, a republician. (Sorry, cheap shot.). Could also be that he doesn't want his children introduced to the concept until they have the critical thinking skills necessary to comprehend their own sexuality. He's afraid that his kids will get the gay from the show.
5). Physical intimacy. He has admitted he has intimacy issues. He was also adopted and lived with a foster family. This can lead to intimacy issues. His biological family gave him up. They didn't want him. It could breed the feeling that me is a trivial person not worthy of intimacy. So it is hard for him to open up because he is afraid he will get hurt. There is also the fact that just isn't a physical person. I have known women who crave physical intimacy from several people as well as people who don't. It is also a spectrum. It isn't a reflection upon you.
6). I have gay friends. What does that prove?

That is why I don't think he is gay. What I think is that you're trying to prove he is for some reason on your part. Why do you want him to be gay? Are you looking for a reason to dump him? Are you wanting to be right?

How do you approach him? If you still think he is gay, i.e. you ignore EVERYTHING we have said here, then set him down at the kitchen table. Look into his eyes and say.

"I love you. I am concerned though by several things and I want to know. Are you gay? If you are it doesn't change my feelings about you but I have to know."

Or some variety. Don't use your old gay friend. Use your observations and the like. Realize that this might be a relationship ender as well.

Another exercise you can do is make a list of everything that he does that you would classify as gay, i.e. gay porn, and everything that you would classify as heterosexual, i.e. pounding you like a salvation army drum. Look at it and see if you are ignoring the evidence to contrary because you are so sure that he is actually gay.

Good luck.

[Cat1864]

I am wondering a bit more about the background on your story and how much it affects what you 'wonder' about your boyfriend.

How old are you and how long have you been a couple?

How long have your past relationships lasted and did they have tend to have the same problems in common?

I have to agree with Synnen about trust in a relationship. If you don't trust him, it won't matter what he says you will still have doubts that will cause issues in your relationship.

No matter what happens from here, you need to learn how to communicate with him. If you can discuss marriage and children, you should be able to talk about sexuality, intercourse, affection, etc.