[reneegordinier]

My daughter has been through a lot with her family. I was a binge drinker and dealt with my sons heroin addiction and the other sons epilepsy as best as I could and still support all three children by myself. I wore out and lost everything and started over. My daughter seems to feel she was cast aside and no longer wants anything to do with us. She is quite successful and has turned to my mother (who I don't speak with) and my sisters for her family. There is so much resentment on both sides, I just want to be close to her again. She says we are all dysfunctional and I have to stop my older sons addiction, fix her little brother before we can talk. I don't know where to begin. That is just a brief history, but

[cdad]

All you can do is offer yourself until she is ready. Also face up that she may never be ready. You have made choices. This is the result of them. You have said you don't speak to your own mother. See a trend here??

Maybe you need to reach out to your own mother also and that may lead to a pathway to your daughter. Have you considered therapy for yourself and possibly the family to heal? At this point all you can do is send cards for holidays and don't use them to repair but just to be there. Don't make or hold expectations for others as those lead to disappointment. Allow life to run its own way and learn to integrate yourself into it. If that means things for unsaid then that is how it must be. Just remember what is important is to keep a lifeline open.

[Jake2008]

I don't think that 'mending' is a realistic way of looking at this. It is not a situation where she will likely just forgive and forget what sounds like a very harsh upbringing. It makes sense that she would feel left behind as a child with having a mother who was a binge drinker, one brother with an active heroin addiction, and another brother with special needs. Losing everything, and starting over is traumatic under the best of circumstances, but adding all of the problems happening at the same time, I think it's fairly easy to see where she's coming from.

If she has established a family relationship with others in your family, her need for stability, comfort and support, is likely working for her. I wonder why you aren't more grateful that your family is there for her, even if you yourself have issues with them personally.

I also don't get the impression that you have dealt with the aftermath of becoming sober. How did you do that, and have you had therapy of any kind, or support groups? Stopping the alcohol doesn't reverse the damage, or address the damage, without a lot of work. Without understanding why your drinking behaviour affected your family, particularly your daughter, you will never understand how to go about mending your relationship with her.

I don't doubt that you want to, that's not in question. But what are you willing to do, to work through your own history, in order to change your own future.

[reneegordinier]

You are right.-thank you.I didn't start over with her I waited till she settled in college.She knows I don't have money so that why she went where the money is.I go to counseling & they say take care of you,not how to start with my daughter.

[reneegordinier]

My mother doesn't talk to me or my brother-she beat him and can't stand him and I defended him.He did nothing but be slow. I hate her for that. She only chose mydaughter to be with, not my brothers.How do you respect someone that loves conditionally.

[Fr_Chuck]

Also did you say you were still supporting the child who is a drug addict ? I am sorry and I know we love our kids, but in those cases normally they have to be cut loose and allowed to hit bottom, and just be there for them when they want to change also. The others medical issue is not something to deal with, it is just a fact of life, and most people with it are productive and independent people.

Next what about your mother, why don't you talk to her, perhaps you need to reach out to your own before yours will reach out to you ?

But you judge her for loving "conditionally" but you are doing the same thing by rejecting her for what she did??

[Jake2008]

That is really good to hear that you are taking care of yourself first. It takes a lot of commitment, and a lot of hard work, to change. Without taking that step, you would be stuck forever with the past, and never have a shot at a happier life.

I really hope that eventually you can mend things with your daughter. She too has a past to settle with, and it will take the same effort on her part, that you are making now. I would almost guarantee that with the more success you have, the more likely she will be, to establish more contact with you. And when she reaches that point, it won't matter how much or how little money you have; I think that while you think she is with relatives its because of money, you'll eventually realize it isn't.

All the best of luck to you.

[reneegordinier]

I have tried but she just hangs up and never gives me a chance to talk.Its not me my heartb reaks for my brother and my sons who have done nothing to her. She hates men.The only time I can say what is on my mind is if I drink.So I stop talkingto all