[acciosnivellus]

Threads merged, please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

I am so lost right now. I had been dating my boyfriend for four years now. We are both 21. He was my absolute best friend, we connected so deeply. We had the same humor, we made up so many jokes and stories that no one else in the world would understand. Heck, while duck watching at a pond we even made up the most elaborate, detail oriented life stories of each of the ducks. Sounds weird, but this is just an example of the quircky things that we did. We have pretty much identical interests, culinary taste, view on religion, etc. etc. The point is we click so extremely well, effortlessly. I feel like this is a once in a lifetime find.

But, obviously there is a major problem. He is an alcoholic and a chronic liar. This has caused us to break up about a million times. I never lost faith in him- I always thought if I tried a little harder he would change. True, he did get much better- but it didn't go away. He also smoked a lot and always lied to me about it. He has finally quit -or so he says- but that was also a big issue for a long time. It's like he has two personalities. He's the most gentle, caring, sweetheart kind of guy that would never make his girlfriend upset. Until that other addictive personality attacks- then it's like feeding time at the zoo. It's definitely not something I can live with, apparently. I care too much about his future, his health, our future, our finances... etc. I feel like I was a parent to him a big part of the time. We are also long distance while I'm at school and only see each other a once a month or so now. This didn't help the trust issues either. The point is, he treated me pretty badly. But there is just so much here to throw away. But I felt like I was the ony one trying to save our failing relationship. He seemed to not take it seriously. Probably because I've taken him back so many times. When we do break up, he panics and begs for me back and promises me he'll change and that he can make me happy, etc. etc. For SOME reason I believe him every time. Maybe a part of it is subconscious. I don't want to deal with the pain of heartbreak and I don't want to face losing him. Looking back, I'm betting this is what made me agree to it again so many times. I KNOW he cares about me a lot. I know it he loves me a lot. Addictions and a lack of devotion are just not a good mix.

Well, he got very drunk the other night and I snapped. I broke up with him. I was so sad, angry, devastated, and fed up with having so much faith in him and trying so hard and doing so much for him, only to get the usual in return- a drunk, mean, hateful "boyfriend". So, I guess I'm kind of answering my own question here. I gave him so many chances. My family and friends hate him because of his alcoholic problems and how much he's hurt me, which makes it very awkward when I'm with him. Everyone wants me to move on, except me. Which is pathetic, I know. I just don't want anyone else. I don't feel like I'll ever connect on THIS level with anyone else. I just get so scared and my future gets so foggy when I can't picture him in it. I feel so empty, like I'm constantly holding my breath. Oh, and if you haven't guessed this level of attachment is probably because he's my first boyfriend, first love, first everything. He's all I know. UGH. I'm not even going to deny, there is a small glimpse of hope in the back of my mind that if we are meant to be together, somehow we will end up together in the future. Maybe if he graduates, gets a stable career, proves he is responsible with money and health things may be different. But until then, the thought of him moving on literally makes me want to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. I don't even know what to think. I just wish he didn't have addiction and lying issues, but that would make life too easy, now wouldn't it. I would have no doubt in my mind I was going to marry him. I literally feel so empty and lost and confused. I know it's for my best interest to end this for good and that this has to be done. But it's so hard when I'm throwing away so much. I'm losing my best friend.

[Wondergirl]

I feel your pain. Just from your description of him, creating tales around the ducks, makes me love him myself. I can see how he'd be the love of your life.

Has he ever been to an AA meeting or considered giving it a try? Or isn't he interested in doing anything about his alcoholism, even if he loses you in the meantime?

[redhed35]

Until he sees he has a problem your going to be banging your head against a wall.

Your once in a lifetime connection is marred by hurt,shouting,lying and drinking,hopefully that is once in a life time.

The guy you love is in there somewhere but he chooses when he's that nice guy to drink when he knows the hurt he causes,he can choose when he's sober to seek help,but he doesn't,he chooses drinking over you every time.

Maybe you have suffered enough this time,things won't change unless HE makes the decision,no matter how many hoops you jump through.

I do know where your coming from,you love the duck guy,but the drunk will chip away at your life.

Save yourself,you can keep the memories of the nice guy and move forward.

I'm going to assume your young so ill leave you with this nuggett from someone who's been where you are now,love comes again,gentle,kind,forgiving love,and there's no double personality.

[acciosnivellus]

Yeah, we've gone down the whole meetings/counseling road. He didn't respond well to it. He has gotten a lot better on his own, but it will never truly go away. It's something that really scares me and I physically can't take it anymore... =(

Comment on redhed35's post

Thank you for your comment. I know you're right, as hard as that is to swallow.

[Clemintine]

There isn't much more for me to say since you have good advice already here, but I just wanted to add some thoughts.
I Can understand where you are coming from here, it's so tough to end something that feels so right..
But it isn't quite right, if he treats you badly and drinks and lies at times, no matter how much of the good times there are they can't make up for the pain he has caused you before. Even if you take him back I know you must still feel upset about these things, to start over fresh you would have to fully forgive him of the past and start anew, that can't happen until he straightens out.
It's so caring and amazing you stayed with him to help him and loved him still, it truly shows how much you love this guy. I wouldn't say you are pathetic, at a certain point though it becomes less helpful to him and more destructive to yourself and your sanity by staying with him.
I really think it is a good idea for him to get addictions help, you can even go to AA meetings together... Or get a private therapist to go together if he doesn't want to talk in front of many people. It is going to be tough for him if he decides to, if he has half as much caring and love as you show for him he would go, in my opinion.
I wouldn't exactly renew your relationship as soon as he says yes to going, maybe offer your help and support for him by going with him to meetings but remain in a relationship break status. If this has never been attempted before, consider this the last very last effort you will make to help him. Make sure you think this through though. You are out now, you can start again and yes it is hard but our brains can handle changes like these, just takes time.
If you feel you have the effort to try just one last time then I say give it some thought, from personal experience therapy saved my relationship... I was about to leave and it was our last effort and it helped immensely. I won't say it's easy though, it's been almost a year later and things are good but not perfect, but definitely easier than before. In your case he faces a big obstacle to overcome and it still might be awhile before anything is fixed or back to normal for you two. So I'm saying... think about if you can handle giving your effort to this person again, as I'm sure you know how much it can drain you to take care of a person like that. Even if you don't get back together it will still be very hard, forgiving him eventually and hoping he agrees to recovery and actually follows it.
Though you can continue on with your life without his pain now, as you have helped as much and more than any normally caring person would... Nobody will doubt that you tried your best for this guy. If he doesn't agree and doesn't go get help, it's over... don't destroy yourself for this person any more, don't give the time of day for a guy who won't choose you over his drinking problem.

[acciosnivellus]

Thank you so much for your input. Yes, he has been to counseling and he didn't take it seriously. He has changed on his own, but it's definitely still a problem that I can't handle anymore. I'm afraid leaving him for good is my only option now =(

[redhed35]

If you have made your decision have a good support system around you, let your family and friends help you.

[Clemintine]

acciosnivellus Dec 13, 2010 08:29 pm
Thank you so much for your input. Yes, he has been to counseling and he didn't take it seriously. He has changed on his own, but it's definitely still a problem that I can't handle anymore. I'm afraid leaving him for good is my only option now =(

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to really take recovery seriously, I guess that is his case...
That is truly lame ):
I'm sorry to say it's true then, it's time to move on... It sucks, but you sound like a smart and reasonable person and I believe you can make it through this! You've made the right choice.
Remember, don't remain in contact with him, you need to take care of yourself now and any contact with him will just rub salt in the wounds. Rest repair and do what you need to to feel better, you really deserve some time to care for yourself!

[acciosnivellus]

Thank you so much for your kind words! It helps. I can already feel myself getting a tiny bit stronger, which is a start at least.

[acciosnivellus]

Wow. Okay. Well I've finally left my alcoholic, lying boyfriend of 4 years. We've been officially broken up for about a month now. At first it was the most painful, unbearable, most awful thing I've ever gone through (and this was happening during finals week too.. joy). But anyway, I survived. Then I thought I was getting a lot better. I went from sadness to bittnerness to anger to almost an acceptance. I didn't think about him constantly. I tried picking up new and old hobbies like gaming, piano, reading, etc. It distracted me for awhile. But now.. I feel like I'm starting over. I stupidly acted on my moment of weakness and contacted him, and got somewhat rejected. STUPID STUPID STUPID! Lesson learned. Stay strong and don't act on impulse. Got it. But now I'm feeling pretty depressed. The past week or so these hobbies have not been cutting it for me. Sleep is becoming harder and harder. I'm thinking about him almost constantly again. I just feel like I'm regressing.

I'm home for winter break from college, and due to being very anti-social, extremely busy with my major, and devoting any bit of free time to my ex who didn't deserve it- I have no friends! Seriously. And I'm going through family problems as well. I have virtually no support it feels like. I feel like I'm never going to get better again. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but now I just keep taking steps backwards. I'm used to him begging for me back and now it seems as if he doesn't want anything to do with me. Which will be good in the long run I suppose... because I know I cannot have a relationship with him again. It's just really taking a blow on my confidence and well being. It sucks having someone you love so dearly choose alcohol over you. I just don't understand.

I can't wait until I get to the point where I don't CARE if I'm wanted by somebody. I can't wait until I don't place my confidence and happiness in someone else's hands. I can't wait until I can learn to trust again. I just want to be strong. But at this point I feel like it's NEVER going to happen. Any ideas on how to push through this? I just want to fast forward time at this point, because I know time is really the only answer.

:(

[summer_girl]

Consider going to an Alanon meeting. It's support for families and partners of alcholics. You would be surrounded by people who understand what you've been through, and the meetings would give you a chance to learn some things to keep this chapter of your life from repeating itself in new relationships. It would let you feel like you can be around people and it would be a step out of what you've been locked in.

If you really can't handle a group setting though, there's a great book you can read in private called Co-Dependent No More.

No matter what, I hope you can take some steps to get to happier times.

[acciosnivellus]

Thank you so much! This book looks like a good first step... it's right up my alley! I will be keeping an eye out when I'm at the bookstore next.

[acciosnivellus]

I've made a clean cut from my boyfriend of 4 years over a month ago... until recently. One night he called verrry early in the morning, and I groggily answered the phone before even seeing who was calling. It was him. My first reaction was to hang up immediately, but the sound of his voice filled that empty void and I couldn't make myself do it. Weak. Weak. Weak. This then led to some messages on Facebook and even a few more phonecalls. It was becoming all too familiar again. The breakup was turning back into the usual "breaks" we always took. Not good. Last night, after reading a message from him, I mentally slapped myself across the face and now I'm trying to get back on track again. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN! No Contact! Even though he really thinks he will change when he's saying the words, I have to look beyond that and be realistic.

So, I did some self reflecting. I tried to really figure out why I do what I do. I've cared as much as I could for him, and now that it's time to focus on myself I'm realizing a few of my own flaws. I'm an insecure, very shy, awkward, introverted mess! This is a big part of what's holding me back from really healing at this point, and probably a big part of what took me so long to finally end the relationship when it was long past due. I find myself wondering what girls he's meeting and I'm starting to realize how little human interaction I actually get. My insecurities are growing. I'm 21 years old and a senior at a university, and I really can't say that I've made any real friends here. I don't go out, I have no interest in partying at all, and to be honest, most of the college population just flat out annoys me. I'm basically just here for school.

My instincts are telling me to just wait it out, rather than frantically trying to find friends. Maybe go to the gym more or get more involved with clubs at school. Something that actually requires me to leave my room, instead of just gaming all day or reading a book. If friends happen, then cool, if not- then at least I got out of my room. I'm just afraid that my desire for human interaction is subconsciously to fill some of this void I'm experiencing, and I know from experience that this is counterproductive and can get out of hand if its not handled properly. So I'm kind of weary about approaching others after some bad experiences. I just want to face this empty feeling and overcome it and be content on my own again.

I'm probably just being dramatic. The semester has just begun and with the intensity of my major, I definitely know about mid-semester I won't even have time to grocery shop or watch a TV show with the workload that's coming. Sorry, I almost feel like this is more of a personal rant than a question, but maybe one of you has some input? Motivation? Thanks!

[talaniman]

You are supposed to be insecure. One thing college is good for is we learn the people skills to get out into the world. Bet you do great with books, and will have a nice resume, but what of the ability to interact with co workers, and others, and overcoming bad experiences?

That as an important an education as the grades are, and I hope you give it some thought. Now that I have cured your insecurity, on to the ex, back to NC!

Boy that was easy wasn't it? :D :)

Actually you seem to have adjusted well, and the fact that you recognize some of your weaknesses, is a sign that you will become aware how to address them.

I just wanted credit for your progress is all! :o

[acciosnivellus]

Thanks tal! Just got back from the gym to clear my head, feeling better about this already. You're right, people skills really are just as important.. I'll need to start working on that harder!