[notwho.i.want2b]

I feel that I am such a mean mom. I am overly critical and judgemental. I want to change so bad, and I pray every night that God will help me help myself to be loving and kind and praise instead of being so critical. I really hate myself so bad. You have no idea how much I do. I find myself either WAY over the top, or just no emotion at all. I am raising 8 child, 3 in which are mine biologically, and the others are my sisters children. I am very stressed as the kids fight a lot because they see my anger and everyone of them shows this in their actions and words... this is so scary to watch them become me... I HATE IT! I hate myself for this therefore I hate that they are acting like me, it scares me so. Can someone please tell me how I can change. I feel like I want this so bad, and then I get up in the morning and I am ready, but once I hear them either acting out downstairs, or doing something that they know they aren't suppose to do, or someone is delibrately messing with a younger child, I EXPLODE! All hope then is out the window and here comes the mean, angry, judgemental mom. I hate it, I just wish I could be loving instead and discipline when needed. I just don't like the idea of waiting for them to change their behavior. I want it NOW! I can't even believe I think this way as I know that I can't even change NOW, so why can't I just have the patience? I lack it tremendously. Please someone, help me, please... I hate this and don't want my children to turn out to be the way I am now. Any and all help is much appreciated. Blessings...

[Wondergirl]

Change how you vocally react --

1) Sing instructions or warnings instead of shouting them. Do opera (works well with instructions and warnings) or country. Play your air guitar.

2) Or try whispering. Whisper with lots of vivid facial expressions. As you whisper (or move into a storytelling voice), tell the story of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." Make mistakes so the kids will listen and correct you and get into the storytelling. "Once upon a time there was a little boy named Goldilocks. His black hair had been cut in the shape of a beautiful Mohawk that stuck straight up out of the top of his head. He decided to visit his Uncle Louie who lived deep in the forest." (And so on.)

3) If someone is naughty, start a story, "Once upon a time there was a handsome young man trapped in a blue house. His name was [wait to hear a name]. Once day, he decided to [wait to hear a verb, etc.]." (And so on.)

4) Do the Teaberry Shuffle or some simple dance and get the kids involved in dancing. Clap your hands. Be enthusiastic. Hum a melody or put on the boom box.

In other words, you want to shock the heck out of them and totally change the mood/behavior in the house at the time.

[WhiteWitch]

It sounds like you lack a lot of personal space. I understand you have three children... others are related to family. What I can say is that a lack of patience results in a lack of self respect. If you do not respect yourself then you do not respect others? Or if you do not respect others... how do you respect yourself? Children take a lot of things... including most importantly energy! If you are imbalanced you have to ask why? What is it that you did "independently" that you are lacking now? This may have not and guaranteed did not happen previous to having your own children or maybe it did. Where is your space? If you have no room to grow with the family members as one then where do you anticipate healing and moving forward. As long as you are not abusive I believe you should contemplate your dependency issue and what is surrounding the issue itself. Is it about the kids? Is it about your adult relationships? Is it about family? Or is it about lacking personal growth?

[joypulv]

Hating yourself just makes it worse. Try to accept that 8 kids are going to fight no matter how sweet and adorable you are. Your sister's kids have their own emotions to deal with over feeling left. Give yourself a treat for each day you get through where you were able to curb your anger once, twice, 3 times. Try for the little successes. God isn't going to wave a magic wand; it's work.
Some afternoon sit them down with no distractions. It's amazing what even young ones can understand if you say it right. Stand in front of them like a teacher would, and teach. Talk about the golden rule and what love means. Tell them that for thousands of years kids had to work to help the family survive, on the farm or hunting or gathering, and in many parts of the world it's still true today. Ask for their help being a good mom, and ask for suggestions to cut down on fighting. Draw a chore chart and explain that you get angry when you are overworked and tired. Have planned activities for certain set times of day, such as when you are trying to cook. Kids need direction and some routine. Have a family classroom each day, a short one, or maybe two.

[Jake2008]

Oh my God! You are raising 8 kids! That alone would test the resolve of a saint- to me, that is the problem right there.

Emotions are out of control, and no wonder. You no sooner address one issue, and six or seven more pop up. All the while you are juggling everything else that goes along with being a mother- fghts between children, illness, homework, taxi services, feeding and clothing them, not to mention what must be a mountain of laundry every day, and cooking, cleaning, shopping etc.

Under the BEST of circumstances, families with two or three children cope with all of the above, and have the battle scars to prove it, but multiply that several fold, and what you have is a small army.

This can only be looked at in a practical way in my opinion. The first thing is, you need help managing all these kids. Can you afford to hire a babysitter a couple of hours a day to help you get through the worst of it. Are the older children able to take charge of the younger ones, and organize daily activities, or supervise homework. Is there a husband in the picture, and how is he helping out if there is. Do you have any assistance from family, including your sister, her husband/boyfriend, or his extended family.

Get the 'mean mom' thoughts out of your head. Imagine a recruitment officer facing all 8 children, with all the emotions and baggage and behaviour attached, and you can bet that he, would need a plan, and assistance, and guidance in training and maintaining control and discipline too. And he can send them off to the cafeteria for their meals.

Maybe not the best example, but I think you get where I'm going here.

I don't know how long you have had these 'extra' children, or whether they have been adopted by you. If they have been, there should be resources available through the adoption agency; use them! If you are able to get help through any parenting program, or have one on one time with a expert who can hands-on assist with a family plan, by all means take the help.

It is very, very important that you get these kids under control, for their sakes' as well as your own. To continue as you have sounds like an explosion waiting to happen.

I do not think from what you have said that you are a bad mother, or person, or that you lack any understanding or skill, anymore than the next mother. Nobody is born with a rule book on how to raise kids. Under the best of circumstances, many good mothers very nearly come to the breaking point, and that you have so many children under your care, is no doubt stretching limits for you in all directions, personal and oherwise.

Please try to be more specific in how the family operates with regard to ages, who the other adults are in their lives, and whether you have any help on a daily basis. If you have these resources already, and it is not enough, do you think its time to ask for help from others? Is that possible under the circumstances?

[notwho.i.want2b]

Hi. My children are 1,6,8,9,11,12,14-all girls and 1, 15yr old boy. I am married, but my husband doesn't really support me and even though we both agreed to take in these children, he has said it's too much and thus doesn't help and isn't even...

[notwho.i.want2b]

... there for his own biological children. This makes everything so much more stressful. He lives in a world all his own and thinks of only himself(this is 100% true and I am not playing it up by any means). Most people are shocked when I say I am...

[notwho.i.want2b]

... married as he isn't involved in anything with the kids and seldom me-unless it's just us and maybe the baby. Now with that said, I do have my mother. She is an absolute support. She picks up the 3 oldest kids and takes them to and from school...

[notwho.i.want2b]

And helps in other ways, but she's older and not in great health so I don't try to put much on her. That is all the help and support. We live off 1000.00 a month and aren't even going to have a Christmas yet alone be able to hire on help...

[notwho.i.want2b]

I wish that was an option, but not at this time. I feel so bad because I am the one who took these children in, yet I feel like they are destroying my bio children also as they are now fighting and yelling and just being ill mannered. I really don't

[Fr_Chuck]

First make him part of it, he should have duties at home that he helps with, and watches the kids at time for you to have some "self" time.
His not wanting to is not an option.

Next I only had four boys at home, but at times you are just a ref for a wrestling match. And finding out who did something ( well just forget it)

Next older kids have to help watch smaller kids,

9 and older can do a lot and the older teens will just have to start carring more of a load, ( from house work to cooking and more)