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commitment · Dec 10, 2010, 03:50 AM

2 years ago I started dating a man , Im 38 and he's 57 now, he had been separated for 17 years with his with wife so I felt nothing wrong with being with him as I don't like to break up marriages but he sounded sincere so I went for it,he also has 3 grown up sons from his marriage which live with his wife, and I have a 13 year old daughter but I'm a single mother.
5 months after we started dating I got pregnant with his son and although we didnt't plan for chidren we were both abit worried but then as time went by we got very happy but then suddenly he didn't want to go to public places with me saying that he didn't want his sons to know about the baby and about me but in the beginning we used to go out publicly and I was very happy and he seemed happier to,but then it felt boring not going out and it caused stress.
We were arguing more and I still can't figure out what made him loose interest in me and my son to this day he doesn't want to sweak to me anymore,
Any suggestions please??

talaniman · Dec 10, 2010, 07:24 AM

Children are a life changing event, and unplanned pregnancies so early changes people, and as you see changes strangers. At his age, I imagine this was a change that will take some getting use to, and no matter where this relationship heads, it will always be another one along with the one he has started years ago with another, and that one didn't work.

No telling how many others he has had, but my advice is to build a life with you, and your child, and not depend on his presence at all.

You may have been a strangers when you first met, and became pregnant so early on, but you have enough evidence as to how he deals with things, and that's to slowly walk away, and do something else.

This is probably more about who he is, and not about you, or your child. I would not count on him being that attentive to you at all, the way you want him to be. Having his child is hardly a life commitment to you in his eyes, and his actions are very clear, no matter what his words were before.

answerme_tender · Dec 10, 2010, 07:43 AM

Why wouldn't you make sure to use contraceptives? I know he has been separated from his wife for 17years, but never divorced her! Right there would have been a huge warning flag, it is apparent that he can just walk away without even having a ending! Of course he isn't as happy as you about the pregnancy, he is 57 years old, when your son graduates he will 75yrs!!

I would be thankful for your son raise him in love, but I wouldn't depend on the father participating in his life. I would get an attorney and make sure he pays child support. Good luck

commitment · Dec 10, 2010, 03:45 PM

Thanku so much for your reply, well if I knew things back then I wouldv'e practiced them though we learn our lesson afterwards don't we? I'm telling you this man was a manipulating person, but I loved him and could'nt see straight... my parents and daughter also tried to warn me but I had a hard head, oh well...

Comment on answerme_tender's post

You're 100% right!! Pity when you're in love you're ever so blind right? By the way thank you for your reply!

Devorameira · Dec 11, 2010, 08:00 AM

I can see that you got caught up in the fairy tale world thinking that he'd always be there for you and the baby, but life sometimes deals us some bad cards. He obviously didn't end up being the Prince Charming that you thought he'd be.

You need to concentrate on raising your son now, but you shouldn't settle for no help. You can't make him have a relationship with you or your son, but you really need to take him to court for child support. He owes you that much.. so don't let him off the hook.

commitment · Apr 2, 2011, 09:04 AM

Hi there,
In 2008 I started dating a separated man, who was 20 years older than me,which he had been separated for 17 years.. I'm 38 and he's 58, well it was all good at the start, telling me he loved me all the time etc and then within 5 months I became pregnant with his child, it was a big surprise as it was unplanned,but eventually he accepted it and so was OK with it until the baby was born,then I had a boy and he was happy but then things began to turn sour, he never wanted to live with me saying that his children would never forgive him for it!
Well he didn't say he loved me anymore and this was making me very sad and I was loving him more after that,he didn't want to go out with me in public either telling me that he didn't want people to see him with a new child and was afraid his children will find out, this too made me sad because this was also his son he was hiding, it made me feel like I was stealing someone's husband but I wasn't because the marriage was over a long time ago,anyway I can't forget him and can not understand what really happened between us and he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore or see the child.. its very hard this way because I love him truly and life is so unfair... please help!

Wondergirl · Apr 2, 2011, 09:16 AM

Have you seen a lawyer in order to get financial support for this man's child?

commitment · Apr 2, 2011, 10:02 AM

Yes I have it written on paper from a notary

Wondergirl · Apr 2, 2011, 10:05 AM

What's written on paper?

A notary is good only for assuring that a person' signature is valid. Whose signature is on the paper?

There's no court order for child support? You haven't even seen a lawyer?

commitment · Apr 2, 2011, 10:41 AM

Well I'm also receiving government money for relief so the notary paper was for the government to see that he is giving me some money, so I need to go to a lawyer too??

Wondergirl · Apr 2, 2011, 10:54 AM

Originally Posted by commitment

well im also recieving goverment money for relief so the notary paper was for the goverment to see that he is giving me some money, so i need to go to a lawyer too???

You do, if you want regular support money.

Did the government accept the notarized paper?

If I remember correctly from other threads, he will owe the government for the support it is giving you.

commitment · Apr 2, 2011, 11:01 AM

Yes it was accepted from the government,if he stops paying me they will perform legal action on him, (thank God) ,

Wondergirl · Apr 2, 2011, 11:13 AM

They will also try to get back support payments that they have paid out to you. If you are getting $500 a month from them, they will bill him for any or all of that, I believe.

commitment · Apr 2, 2011, 01:25 PM

Really? I didn't know it worked that way.. am so glad I got in touch with you since you are an expert in this section

commitment · Dec 9, 2011, 08:16 AM

I have a two year old son from a separated man who has no interest in seeing him, I can't understand why he acts this way after all it is his own 'son' , I just don't get it

excon · Dec 9, 2011, 08:25 AM

Hello c:

I don't either... As much as I hate what he's doing, I did the same thing. What saved my relationship with my son was his mothers dogged determination to not let EITHER of us forget who the other was. It wasn't done confrontationally, either. I don't know HOW she did that, but I'll thank her to my dying day.

excon

Fr_Chuck · Dec 9, 2011, 08:26 AM

While I don't personally understand it. I have seen cases when there were so much anger and hate between the parents, that it causes them to transfer it.
Also I have seen the mother cause such issues for the father that he just gives up at some point.

Kahani Punjab · Dec 9, 2011, 08:46 AM

Commitment,

It is fine and so nice of you that you have real, genuine and expected motherly concerns for your child. You are fulfilling your duty, to the tilt. If your separated husband behaves unfatherly, it is his fault, not yours. In the eyes of society, you are not to blame, and in the eyes of God too, you are innocent. If you have any apprehensions, or expectations, do not seek it from him, but pray to God. Or, at most, you can communicate your feelings to him, somehow.

Bottomline - you are innocent.

joypulv · Dec 9, 2011, 09:05 AM

Parents use their child as a weapon, a hostage, and a bargaining chip, that's why. MY child. MY child.

It's OUR child. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, or volcano I guess would be more like it.

kcomissiong · Dec 9, 2011, 10:53 AM

It may be hard to process this as a parent who loves their child very much, but not all parents love their children. Some people are too selfish to think about anyone but themselves. I can't imagine a life without my daughter, but her dad has been happily living that life since she was born. At first, I simply couldn't accept that he honestly didn't care, because the second she was born, I loved her more than my own life. I couldn't understand how anybody who helped to create such am amazing person could not love her instantly, but he doesn't. Being a good parent involves sacrifice and putting the well being of another person ahead of your own. Some people simply can't do that, and will never learn how.