[Grayhead]

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. I don't when it start but I started to shut down and not talk to her like a friend or husband. We moved out of the state due to job and the new place turned to be a money-pit. I like to fix things and solve problems, I wasn't listening to her needs or paying attention to her needs, wants and desires. We saw a conselor but I wasn't there for it mentally, at the time I thought I was making good progress, but I went back into the same routine. Things got worse because my job took me overseas and left her behind to take care the house, pack, see my son graduate(from previous marriage) fly him to his mother and deal with my daughter the entire summer. I took her love, help, caring for granted. When she got to my location she told me that she is done with trying to fight for this marriage and has put a wall. We have been talking and I looked deeply into myself and started to change the way I think, but me being trying to fix things quickly I might have over done it, because within the first week I flooded her my emotions and then my feelings. Talked to her she says she loves me but doesn't want to stay married because she feels old and unloved. I told her that I will give her the space that she needs to think along with myself. I hate this feeling in my stomach that this is over and there isn't any chance for us to be back together.

[joypulv]

Something about the way you write does seem to indicate that you just don't have the touch, including the quick fix period followed by giving her space? What's with giving her space all about? All these years she has needed less space and more time together. And she's not a house that you can slap some flashing and tyvek on. It takes time and more time and then more time. Put EVERYTHING aside, take her hand, look at her, tell her you will spend an hour each night and 2 on weekends just talking, that you will make up for lost time, that you love her and don't want to lose her. You haven't actually lost her yet, have you?
And apologize extra profusely for expecting her to handle the milestones of your children from a previous marriage, good grief. Granted, jobs are hard to find and if you had to go overseas, so be it, but thank her endlessly anyway. And make NO excuses. They ruin everything. She knows you had to work and the house needed work but don't go there. She needs 100% thanks, 100% apologies, and 100% evidence that the future will be different.

[Grayhead]

Thank. I believed I flooded her with all the emotions and feelings that I have had tied the last few years and wasn't able to express them to her directly or indirectly. She tells me she loves me, but she doesn't want to fight for the marriage, she wants me to and she put a wall that to what I understand about women, that when they put up a wall it's a hard one to break down. My biggest problem is that I tried and fix things as quick as possible and looking into the future and making it a long term goal.
Given her space will give both us time to think about what is happening, gathering information and come with a plan to get through this. For us trying to be together is quite hard, she is about a day drive away and out here is quite hard to do. We spend most of the time talking through skpe.

[Cat1864]

How did this living arrangement come about? Is it still due to work or because of her needing 'space'?

One thing you both need to understand and it should have been covered when you were in counseling is that no matter what happened in the past a relationship takes the work and compromise of BOTH people to keep it viable and make it work. If she isn't willing to put in any effort then she is retaliating instead of healing. She is in a way punishing you. She needs to realize it and put an end to it.

You have apologized. You don't need to keep going on about it. If you haven't already, tell her how much you appreciate what she has done. Maybe do something special to show her what her patience and effort mean to you. Don't go overboard. Do make it meaningful and something she can keep. Try to incorporate something that you know she loves (some people are into wolves, dolphins, locations, etc.)

Be honest with her that you can not fix the relationship by yourself and you know that she is tired of trying to hold everything together on her own. Let her know that you are trying not to repeat the mistakes of the past, but if she expects you to do all of the work that is what is going to happen. IF she still loves you and wants the marriage to work, then you are more than willing to be there for her. You are willing to give her all of the support you can, but if she isn't there emotionally or mentally then there isn't anything to support.

See if she is willing to try counseling again. If that isn't feasible perhaps you can try dating again. Since there is no going back to the way things were and you both have been through changes, get to know the people you are now.

[joypulv]

You need help to put it bluntly. You keep talking about her as though she's something to fix, now she's a wall to break down, and you have to 'gather information.' Yikes. Plus you never said she's living elsewhere - what's with that. Find a good marriage counselor or therapist (alone) and learn what it means to communicate, share, and express feelings. Sometimes children are good explainers about what went wrong and what to do about it.
Keep in mind the effort NEVER ENDS. For some people it's easy but for others it's a daily struggle to say how did your day go, you look nice in that, I like the way you laugh, tell me about when you were little, snuggle with me, I don't know what I'd do without you.

[Grayhead]

Our jobs makes us live apart. That's what I did, went overboard, by telling her what's wrong with me. I am nervous about the waiting and my stomach turns constantly not knowing the outcome.I did this for 2yrs and it hurts,the punishing sucks

[QLP]

I suspect that if you did a sudden U-turn and poured out your change of heart all in one go it may have felt to her more like panic than genuine change. When a negative picture builds up in our minds over a long period we need time to change our mental outlook to the positive.

If you have really changed your own perspective and what you are prepared to put into this then continuing showing her on a day to day basis without bombarding her and expecting instant results. Remember to keep taking care of you too as you wait to see if she will turn around and also start contributing to the relationship again. The point is to show her the new attitude and let it sink in not to allow her to endlessly punish you. Start acting as near as possible to how you would be if this were resolved so that she can see and feel what the new picture of the relationship would be like.

Ask her what she needs to feel loved and happy again. She may need some time to work this out for herself. Reassure her that you are willing to be patient. Be prepared to really listen. Do consider more counselling.

[talaniman]

I feel for you guy as it seems you spent a lot of time in a bubble, and this wall she built has you frazzled. If I were you, get a ladder and climb the wall instead of busting it down, and start paying as much attention to your wife as you do your job.

By that I mean, go back to the dating days, and put your best most fun loving foot forward, and forget fixing, and start the party. That's what you both have worked so hard for to enjoy life after the kids got older, isn't it?

That's what I would be doing, showing my woman how grateful I am for putting up with my crap, and show some love and appreciation. Forget the fixing, you can't, but you can give her a reason to enjoy her life with you.

Now quite crying, and get your a$$ off the pity pot, and plan a date and make the time for what's important in your life. Geez, if a guy can't make his woman smile, then the worthless SOB doesn't deserve to be happy any way.

Excuse my language.