[jonesjones]

Hi Ash123, I'm new to this site and I just saw your post about the 10 point NC rule. Could you please help me out with my current situation?

I got dumped 2 days ago on the phone after almost 3 years with her. I still have lots of feelings for her and I really want her back. Before I got dumped, I tried my best to save the relationship. She said she lost feelings for me and she thought the relationship was not going work out. She felt that I was part of her family and we would be great friends. That's all, no other feelings.

Straight after she dumped me, I sent her an email telling her that I tried my best to keep her happy during the relationship. However, her loss of feelings probably stemmed from me as I lost my feelings towards her after 1.5 years into the relationship. I did not tell her that at the time as I wanted to ensure my loss of feelings was not temporary. I wanted to work on my own and see if I could get my feelings back. The reason why I lost feelings was because I felt that she was very self-centered, she did not consider my feelings. I felt it was me trying my best to keep her happy all the time. I also said good bye to her in my email. I said “my aim is always to make you happy, good bye, and I hope you will find the happiness without me being there. I'm confident that your new chapter of life will be wonderful. Thank you for the last 32 months, it was the best 32 months of my life.�

So the in the following 12 months, I actually got my feelings back. But during the same 12 months, our conversation slowed down, our relationship became so mundane that even I could feel it was really boring. Fast track to last week, she told me that she thought we had nothing to talk to about and she'd lost her feelings for me.

Today is day 3, I had no contact with her until she sent the following message tonight:

“I know you tried, you've been so supportive and considerate during our relationship. I'm truly grateful for everything you've done for me. A lot of times I didn't show it and probably didn't do enough things to make you happy. I'm sorry… I want to know, why did you lose feelings for me? Was it because I was too demanding and selfish?�

My usual instinct would be to reply her immediately. But after reading your post, I understand I have to get my power back in order to get her back.

What should I do now? Ignore her message? Wait for a few days to reply? If I reply, how long do I wait and what should I say? I'm feeling really nervous as I do not want to do the wrong thing to push her away again.

Thanks in advance.

JM

[kctiger]

I'm not Ash 123 but I have some experience in this. Ash isn't on here very often. From what I understand you are trying to use NC to get your ex girlfriend back, correct?

If that is the case I believe that although understandable, it just won't work. The thought that using NC would somehow bring back all of the feelings that your ex has gradually lost over time is foolish if you really think about it. You have no power really. If all you are trying to do is win someone back, the power is ALWAYS hers to begin with. My advice would be to continue NC as a means to get your life back in order and to heal from this break up so a more rational and fact based method of thinking guides you to making better decisions. We've all been there. Good luck.

[jonesjones]

Hi kctiger, thanks for your advice. Yes, I'm trying to use NC to get her back as I think her feelings are not completed gone.

You mean there's no hope at all? I should just use NC and move on?

[kctiger]

I mean you should use NC as a way to heal from this. You are very broken up about this, which is understandable, but NC is there to let the dust settle and get your own emotions to come together. Once you have done this then, most likely, you'll be at a point in your life where you won't be so focused on getting your ex back because you are enjoying a fun life that you have built.

[jmw0713]

NC is not a tool to win someone back. It is used for your own personal benefit to heal and move on.

The ball is in her court to make amends, but don't put all your chips on that hoping it will happen. Remember, she dumped you. When a woman dumps you, it is because she is finished. Done! No mas! It is beyond the point of no return. Women hold on till the very end, and when they lose all hope and feeling, they bail.

However, you hold the power to cut her out of your life, rise from the ashes, and live to love another day. NC helps with this. It will be a struggle, but you will survive.

I want to know, why did you lose feelings for me? Was it because I was too demanding and selfish?�

You owe her no answers to her selfish questions. She only cares about herself, not how you feel and she clearly states that in the questions she asked.

I would delete her reply and look toward the future, because the future is bright my friend. You just can't see through the storm yet, but once you do, it is sunny and beautiful. Trust me!

[talaniman]

Stick with NC, and stroke your own ego, not hers! The others are right, your healing is the goal, not getting her back. The fact is that after a proper healing, few if any even want the ex back, because they have moved on to better things.

[jonesjones]

You are so right. I sent back a friendly message telling her it doesn't matter now, it's all in the past. All I want is for her to be happy. If she needs a friend to talk to in the future, she can call me.

I guess that's a closure for myself.

[pandead]

You are so right. I sent back a friendly message telling her it doesn't matter now, it's all in the past. All I want is for her to be happy. If she needs a friend to talk to in the future, she can call me.

I guess that's a closure for myself..

Be careful if you take that path, it can be very tricky. People tend to use their ex for their own healing, keeping them in the friend zone. If it's your closure and you think ending it in a "mature" way was the best option for you, then you're fine, now it's time to move on.
But if you meant it, perhaps you should ask yourself why you'd want to be friends with someone who doesn't want you. Good luck getting your life back :)

[jonesjones]

Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciated.

After my closure message to her, the following conversation took place.

She replied "I want to know so I can improve in the future, so *** share with me" to which I responded "what do you mean in the future?"

She replied to me but this time via email "I mean in the future as in general self improvement".

Me "Self improvement for your next relationship correct?"

Her "Just in general, why do you keep asking that? And I don't understand why you have to update your facebook status so quickly like you can't wait for the whole world to know."

I have since ignored her last response. I'm going to start a 3 week NC program for myself. The program will involve me catching up with my old friends, do things that I wanted to do during the relationship but I didn't get to do, take up some new hobbies and exercise more. Good luck to myself.

[pandead]

Of course you'll want the whole world to know! You can't sit around and wait for her to change her mind. You did the right thing, don't let her make you think otherwise.

Just one thing, setting yourself goals is the right thing to do, but don't set a time limit. As you could read, NC is forever - for most cases at least. It's like cutting out the rotten part of an apple. Don't keep it in case you're hungry later, because it will only be worse.
You can do better than 3 weeks, just believe in yourself!!

[Cat1864]

You might find this harsh.

I am going to have to disagree with one thing. Her question was not 'selfish'. It was a response to a passive-aggressive email sent by you. You DID NOT need to tell her that you had lost that loving feeling months ago. That was not to help her understand why she lost her feelings for you. It was a cheap shot at letting her know you had already been there. You sent that email to get back at her and 'get your closure.' So, please, don't try to climb up to higher ground and pretend you have always been there.

I do agree that you need to keep No Contact. No Contact-No Confusion of meanings or intentions. Heal and let go of the past before starting another relationship.

Whatever feelings there may still be between you need to be put on hold by both of you. While I understand that a person can't make amends without knowing what they need to make amends for, I think both of you will learn more by NOT being in contact and working through your own issues as you have been for quite awhile now.

For the future, learn to communicate with your partner (whoever she is). If you are having issues, be open and honest instead of trying to fix everything on your own and causing more issues that might have been avoided.

For now, take care of yourself. Stay busy. Give yourself ways to work through the low points that will come. Good luck.

[Ash123]

Sorry, I am not on here as much as I used to be. But you are in good hands with other folks on here :-)! Here's my take on your question...

You got tired of the relationship.
Then she got tired of the relationship.

You hurt when she ended it.
She hurt when she ended it.

It is possible that you are just hurting because she ended it first.
She gave you a way to communicate.
I am not sure who really left who and if you should really be together.
IF she just left you to be alone because she lost interest then follow 1-10.
If you forced her then talk to her and explain your side.
If you think she wanted out and is just curious as she leaves then follow 1-10.
If you both love each other for life and you think you made a mistake,
Then invite her to meet up and be honest.
If you know deep down she is not the one but you are just hurt right now, then send a short note back in a few days that is polite but does not reopen and wishes her and your memories all the best.
Rarely do people just break-up... the chemicals and memories make us linger and repeat over and over... If you are a guru, you recognize the problem and either fix it or make the manly decision that your life has better potential elsewhere.

A

[jonesjones]

Comment on Cat1864's post

I appreciate your comment. I told her about me losing feelings for her a while back, she didn't say much apart from I know you are really nice and you are so considerate. This time when I mentioned it again in my email, she wanted to know why.

Comment on Ash123's post

Thanks Ash. I will follow 1-10. Im actually enjoying single life. Not that I go around and look for other girls but rather enjoying doing things I didn't get to do. Friends kept telling me to pick up other girls but I just can't seem to find the mood.

[Ash123]

Relax. Take your time... you both need time to get over it.

[jonesjones]

Threads merged

Hi all,

I previously posted here about my girlfriend dumping me after 3 years because she said she lost all her feelings for me. After that I went NC for 30 days to heal and make myself a better person. During those 30 days, I also went on a spontaneous trip overseas. It was so spontaneous that I got to the airport and just chose whatever flight was available to take me out of the country. This trip was amazing, I did everything on my own and it really helped me.

Upon returning home, I noticed while I was away, my ex sent me an email asking me where I was, what I was doing and she wanted to have a chat with me. I disregarded the email. A couple of days later, I bumped into her while going home after work. We had a nice chat and she asked me why I didn't reply her email blah blahhhhh. I said I was overseas and I would check my email and respond to her. She quickly said that I didn't need to email back, I could just call her. I said I had to go and we left at that.

A few days later, I emailed her back asking her to dinner to have that chat with her (it was also her birthday, so 1 stone 2 birds). We had a great night, eating, joking, laughing, touching hands and a couple of hugs. I couldn't help myself but ended up asking her back. She said yes, but she also said let's take time and see where it ends up.

We've been texting each other every couple of days (I usually initiate the texts). I also called her last night just to chat about nothing (first call since we broke up in December last year).

I sense that even though she said she lost all her feelings back in December, there are still plenty left. Maybe not as much as before but definitely enough for me to work on.

So my question is, what is the best way to rekindle our relationship? What can I do to boost her feelings? Should I keep on initiating the texts, calls (I usually do this every couple of/few days so that I don't suffocate her)? Or should I wait for her to initiate things with me?

[Homegirl 50]

I say don't get yourself wrapped up in this. It could be she still does not know what her feelings are.
This may go nowhere.

[jonesjones]

That's my current feeling as well. Is there anything I should do? Or should I let it go?

[Homegirl 50]

Let it go.
This will allow you to move on.

[outofbalance]

I believe in reciprocity esp with you guys who had already an established relationship in the past and you did nothing wrong like going off with another woman. So - I'll say as long as initiate of contact is balance then go ahead. But then, I also believe in doing what one heart dictates and see what the outcome will be whether its what we what or what we don't want? - at least we give life a shot. V best of luck. X