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bigdee · Dec 6, 2010, 05:14 PM

Hello folks,
I have entered a pretty serious new relationship. We are committed to each other and "exclusive", which is what we both want. Prior to this relationship, I had known this girl who I would hook up with from time to time, but with no strings attached. It is what she wanted. We would also hang out a bit too but for the most part we just got together to hook up. But we do still consider ourselves "friends". But now that I am in this new relationship, I have pretty much stopped all contact with my friend. I just feel that it is the right thing to do because my relationship with my friend was mostly sexual and now that I am in this exclusive relationship, I would feel strange seeing my friend again given the history. Am I in the wrong here to think this? Am I being a terrible person for ignoring this girl I used to see?
Thanks

talaniman · Dec 6, 2010, 05:46 PM

If you are exclusive then no more friends with benefits, just friends, and if neither of you can handle that, forget being friends.

If she is indeed a friend, she will understand, and respect your decision without you explaining anything.

bigdee · Dec 6, 2010, 05:52 PM

Hi Tal,
Thanks for the reply. Just to be clear, I had no intention ever hook up with my friend again while in this exclusive relationship. I was just wondering if it was wrong that I ignore my friend almost completely (not even just to hang out for a coffee or lunch). Like I said, we aren't really close friends or anything... the bulk of our relationship was we got together to fool around. Otherwise we didn't hang out too much. But I feel like I shouldn't blow her off completely.

talaniman · Dec 6, 2010, 06:28 PM

I don't know how new this relationship is, but if its old enough to be exclusive, then you have no business seeing your friend without the new girl knowing about your friend. Honesty will be the best thing because it will look pretty bad if she finds out about your friend, and your history with her, later down the road after the fact.

Sure it's a tough decision, but one that affects the relationship. That's one of the sacrifices we make in a relationship. You not only have to be honest with the new girl, but your friend too. These are things that a couple talks about. I doubt the new girl will be all too thrilled with you having lunch, or coffee, or even conversation with some one you shared your body with in the past. Would you??

How long have you been in a relationship with the new girl?

bigdee · Dec 6, 2010, 08:01 PM

I've been in this relationship for 3 weeks now.

You're right. I would not feel comfortable if my girlfriend decided to still hang out at all with someone she used to fool around with. I'll have to tell my friend that I can no longer see her because of my new relationship and that's that. But do you think it is best that I tell my current girlfriend about the girl that I used to fool around with in the past? I always went by the philosophy that what happened in the past is the past and no need to bring it up (for both her and me) as long as it remains in the past.

talaniman · Dec 6, 2010, 09:32 PM

I know you have read a lot of my other posts, so you know I think that kind of commitment to anyone so soon is premature, simply because you don't know each other that well, or whether this will be long term or not. There is much learning to do after the honeymoon is over. That will take a lot of talking, and hard work. Heck, you don't know if she will feel the same as you in the next 6 months really, do you? You truly don't know how you will feel then either if we are being honest.

However, if it comes up, you have to be honest I feel, and deal with whatever feelings develop from it. Would I volunteer it, NO, not at this point, but down the road when the time is right... of course.