[liberty4497]

I found my husband masterbating after we had sex, he said it's because he was bored. He knows how I feel about porn! If you have to look at it you should have my permission, not do it behind my back... especially after sex!! If you are in a relationship YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to look at anyone else, naked or otherwise, without their permission! In our society today it is okay to please yourself without any regard for others... Why is it that I am the one who is suppost to compromise.. Let him look at porn... all the girls who are perfect in comparison... Masterbate while looking at them, you are obviously thinking about having sex with them... How do I know that he isn't thinking about those girls while he's with me? This has been going on for near 10 years, and he knew I hated porn before that... He told me he doesn't masterbate, stupid me!! What should I do know? I am so upset, I don't know what to do... I am so sick of the world being so wrapped up in sex, like it is everything... In a relationship sex is a wonderful perk, but not something just for yourself. In a relationship you give and take, why do I always give... and just accept that's the way it is... Being a woman means you give everything to your husband and your kids, getting nothing in return. I am just suppost to keep giving in because that's the way it is.. I really feel that all male think that women are here just to sick there **** in... the way we get paid, we always have to take the day off when kids are sick, I can go on and on... There are so many times that I have been hit on; like I am suppost to bend over and take it in the @$$... those guys don't care that I'm married either... But tell me this, why would I want their ****, obviously they would sleep with anyone or anything, and have no regards for what marriage stands for. I got married and committed myself to my husband... not just until I got horny, or wanted something that they couldn't provide... Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday! Our sex life is in no way bad! After the birth of our fourth child this last year, it got really exciting multually, and he supposably wasn't looking at porn again (fourth or fifth time). As far as I knew he wasn't looking at porn, or masterbating ever. I wake up to nurse our 9 month old and pee, and there he is looking at pictures kneeling on the floor going at it! We just had awsome sex a couple of hours earlier... I have never walked in on anyone going at it before, especially my husband... I am still in shock now! I HAVE A RIGHT to feel this upset! How do I make him understand? I can't keep living like this! We've talked about this over and over again, how it makes me feel and why... His response is that there is nothing wrong with it, and he does it because he's bored, and doesn't want to wake me up... To men porn is normal... I agree, now a days IT IS! It is for single people, not a relationship! You can incorporate it into your relationship mutually! There is a reason why they do it behind our back! They don't want you to know! In a relationship you can't hide anything or that relationship is doomed, especially when it comes to sex... I am so afraid that he will leave me one day, and looking at porn behind my back is the start! Two days ago he could do little wrong, not that I put him on a pedistal or anything, but there's a reason I married him, I feel that he's the one man in the world, and anyone who thinks they can change that needs to jump off a cliff. Help me, someone please. How do I make him understand?

[Synnen]

WHOA.

First, the wall of text isn't going to get you far.

Second, YOU DO NOT OWN HIM. You are married, not slaves to each other.

Third, it's HIS body. He can do what he likes with it. If you don't like it, YOUR option is to leave.

Fourth, men don't actually generally think about having sex with the women in porn. Men are VISUAL. It doesn't matter if she's perfect or not--men still like looking at naked women. It's how they're wired.

Fifth, your issues have to do with your sexual abuse. You need counseling about that, because the rest of the world accepts that masturbation is okay, and that sex every day is a nice perk--not a chore.

Sixth, you have a right to be upset about him LYING to you. NOT about the fact that he touches himself. Again, YOU DO NOT OWN HIM.

Seventh--you NEED COUNSELING. If you think he's going to leave you over porn, you might be right. But it's not because of the women in porn, or that you don't measure up. It's because you think you can CONTROL every aspect of his life and thoughts.

You don't make him understand. You make YOU understand that this is YOUR problem, not HIS.

GET COUNSELING.

PS--I'm a woman.

[Enigma1999]

I am sorry that you were abused as a child. I can't even imagine how or what that is like...

I can see that you are a very angry person, with all due respect. That may have stemmed from the abuse as a child.

Have you been to counseling for that? I would consider it if you haven't already.

It seems as if you have more anger about men in general then you do about your Husband watching porn.

How old are the two of you?

How long have you been married?

Other then the porn, how is the relationship?

As a woman, I don't mind watching porn with my partner together or by myself. I also don't mind my partner watching it alone.

I read steamy books and watch steamy movies and sometimes masturbate after. It doesn't mean that I don't care about my partner or that I am thinking of someone else during the deed.

I strongly believe that there is more to this then just him watching porn.

[Cat1864]

Liberty, I know you are going to be upset by many of the answers you are given so I am going to caution you to read the rules on using the comments/rating feature: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-...nes-24951.html . Also, the Answer box at the bottom of the page will give you more room to respond, if you do.

You need to look into counseling for yourself and your marriage. You seem to harboring a large amount of anger if your post is anything to go by. Please, look into letting it go and dealing with those feelings.

You have unrealistic views on where your rights begin and end and where your husband's do.

I understand it was a shock to 'catch' your husband, but it is his body and he is not neglecting you and your physical needs.

I am female and have absolutely no problem with my husband masturbating or looking at porn with or without me. It is just another medium for entertainment. I look at porn without him. He doesn't care because we trust each other and know that ultimately we get off on each other. The porn just gives ideas.

You seem to need to work on the trust. Would he lie or feel the need to if you were more understanding? Be open with each other and work together. Don't try to be his owner and tell him what is allowed unless that is one of your 'kinks'.

[liberty4497]

No, I don't own him! He can masterbate if he wants, just don't hide it, and especially after sex. I don't control him at all, but when it comes to sex it is us as one, together! I have masterbated, and he knows that.

[Synnen]

If he knows how you are going to react, of COURSE he is going to hide it.

I'd hide it too, frankly, rather than deal with the fallout of your reaction to it.

[liberty4497]

But he knows how I feel about it, he wants to do it we can do it together! It's called self control! NO one seems to have it any more... Our relationship other than this is wonderful. We have four beautiful children, and big plans for the future!

[liberty4497]

The problem is, he lied! He didn't watch porn because he knew how I felt about it, and he hasn't masterbated since he first tried it!
We had sex a couple of hours earlier and it was really good, and he said it was, why would he need to go again!

[Enigma1999]

I guess I am just missing the point. What's the difference if you do it with him or if he does it alone?

Have you ever masturbated alone?

[liberty4497]

Self control people, you can't just do what you want when you want, especially when other people could get hurt!
Sexual abuse is proof that people have no self control.

[liberty4497]

He can do it alone and get caught, or we could do it together... Or maybe he just needs to get off all the time! Everyday wasn't enough for him...

[Enigma1999]

Self control people, you can't just do what you want when you want, especially when other people could get hurt!
Sexual abuse is proof that people have no self control.

Okay...

Sexual abuse and your Husband masturbating are two completely different things. You can't even compare the two.

If this man of yours is a great Father, good Husband, provider,hard worker, and all around a decent guy, then cut the guy some slack.

[liberty4497]

Thank you! I am just so shaken, I want him to understand and give a little bit on this too!

[Cat1864]

You are lumping your husband into the group of people who hurt you. That isn't fair to him.

You want him to listen to you and obey your rules on masturbation, but do you listen to him and respect his opinions and needs?

You need help. There is more anger in your original post than just at your husband and his porn and masturbation. They seem to be what you are currently directing that anger at. Deal with it before it consumes you.

[NeedKarma]

You are lumping your husband into the group of people who hurt you. That isn't fair to him.

I agree. It sounds like this: Transference - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[liberty4497]

He can control what he looks at on the internet, RIGHT?

[liberty4497]

Maybe so, but he hasn't even tried to compromise, which is all I am looking for! If he wants to masterbate because he can't get enough then we should address that, but he just rolls his eyes at me, he won't even talk about why!

[Synnen]

Let's put it this way:

Do you like listening to classical music? Or maybe shopping? How about reading a good romance novel or watching a romantic comedy?

Are you willing to GIVE THAT UP, forever and ever, because your husband doesn't like it? Or are you willing to ONLY read a novel or go shopping or whatever if HE IS THERE TOO?

You are UNREALISTIC.

And you honestly do not understand that watching porn is NOT about not having a satisfying sex life.

Are your sexual needs neglected? No? Then what's the problem?

The PROBLEM is that it's not about SELF control--it's about YOUR control.

[liberty4497]

Your forgetting that this hurts me way more than the sexual abuse ever did! He is my whole world, I bend over backwards for him, and let him do what he wants, children allowing...

[Enigma1999]

You never answered my question. Do you or have you ever masturbated alone?