[Wondergirl]

Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday!

This is what you truly need to deal with, all the anger left from the abuse. The idea of control is a huge one for you, and that also must be discussed. Please find a counselor/therapist to help you resolve these issues. And yes, I'm a professional counselor who has carefully and thoughtfully read this thread several times before posting.

[liberty4497]

If what I am doing is hurting someone I would own up to it, compromise, and if nothing else, Yes I would give it up! Just like being married, no others should exist, "forsaking all other". I found my mate in life there are no others!

[liberty4497]

As far as control, there is no control! I want him to be honest, 10 years I thought he never masterbated, and then I walk in on him! How would you feel!

[liberty4497]

I do masterbate, and he knew it long before we got together, he lied and told me he can't masterbate, he tried it and didn't like it! I don't look or think about people, I think romantically. If visual is needed, I'm in the other room!

[liberty4497]

The three things I will not tollerate:
Stealing, cheating and lying
He lied!
What a way to find out
I want to know a way I can get him to compromise, and not lie to me! That's it...
Anyone have a suggestion?

[Synnen]

Comment on Synnen's post

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If what I am doing is hurting someone I would own up to it, compromise, and if nothing else, Yes I would give it up! Just like being married, no others should exist, "forsaking all other". I found my mate in life there are no others!

Married does NOT equal dead.

Forsaking all others does not mean 'never looking at anybody else again so long as you live'.

If you think it does, please tell me that there's no man in the world sexier than your husband--so I can call you a liar. I've been married 10 years, and with my husband for 15, and I sure as HECK notice a good looking man.

And how is he hurting you? No--don't lash out at that, really THINK about it. He satisfies your sexual needs. He is a good husband and father. He has never cheated--and no, porn is not cheating.

You have anger and control issues stemming from your sexual abuse--that I doubt you ever got counseling for.

And how would I feel? Well, I'd be upset that he lied, of course. But I'd also not hit the roof and lump him in with the people that abused me when I was younger, either, just because he had his penis in his hand. HOW is he hurting you?

Of course, I've accepted that my husband is a person that has things he likes that I don't enjoy as much--one of which is porn. I don't have a problem with porn, but it doesn't do anything for me. But the point is that I'm not going to stop him as long as I'm satisfied--why should I? Would you rather have him "pester" you for sex "every day"

Does anyone know what it's like to have been sexually abuse several times as a child by different people and then still be expected to want to have sex everyday!

So... you expect to NOT have sex every day, but expect him to abstain, because of your issues. So... what's wrong with him taking things into his own hands, so to speak?

YOU NEED COUNSELING. I cannot emphasize that enough---and you haven't even ADDRESSED that in this thread, even though SEVERAL people have pointed that out to you.

You have not talked about anything so far except how "horrible" your husband is for doing this.

Honey, I'm not going to agree with you. Period. Your husband has EVERY right to touch himself any time he wants to. He doesn't HAVE to exert self-control--it's his own body! What you REALLY want is him to submit to YOUR control and not watch porn and not masturbate and not have ANY sexuality outside of YOU.

That is not realistic.

[Synnen]

The three things i will not tollerate:
Stealing, cheating and lying
He lied!
What a way to find out
i want to know a way i can get him to compromise, and not lie to me! That's it....
Anyone have a suggestion?

Sure! You admit that it's okay to masturbate, as long as he admits that he DOES masturbate.

And YOU don't try to tell him when and where to masturbate. You just agree that it's his body, and he can do what he wants. He then believes that you are a reasonable adult and doesn't hide it from you---but doesn't have to do it in front of you, either.

[liberty4497]

Okay... I was really upset and vented a little too well! BUT...
Do you think the pictures we made together could take the internets place, if we kept updating them? Or is it just the perfect no strechmark, girls you don't know thing? I am more than willing to compromise, but I will not continue to let him do this behind my back, now I know, and am starting to accept the fact of the situation, so that's a start... I need to understand why, how can I get him to tell me.

[liberty4497]

You're right, but I hate lying!

[Clemintine]

He lies because he sees how you react to it... like this, you get upset confused and hurt, I don't doubt you would want to yell your head off at the guy because of it. So in order for him not to lie to you about it I guess sit with him and talk this over, tell him you know it's his right to do what he pleases to his body your not in the right to have that control over it, but tell him how much it upsets you when this is going on and to find a way to talk about it so if you ever ask if he has he won't mind saying yes.

I actually had this conversation with my boyfriend recently, after half a year of him not lying when I asked I finally asked him TO lie to me when I asked (which I stopped asking) and to hide it better. I don't care if he does if I don't have to hear about it ever, and that our relations stay just like before. If I hear him say it to me, or walk in on it I can't really handle it. That is my own insecurity though mostly attacking me
In my opinion I HATE hearing my guy say yes when I ask.
Maybe it might help you if he just admits it, and you guys talk about it and you say it's okay because it is.
Maybe if he only does it when he's alone in the house? As your compromise, it makes you feel better because there is no way you would walking on him then? Sorry just putting ideas out there haha

You know I just read something interesting on men when they masturbate and become addicted to it, the pathways in their brains change to a point where their original mate is now not attractive as they used to be and all they do is search for more porn... Freaked me out because I was afraid my boyfriend was going down that road too. These men got to a point where they were not even happy looking at the porn or searching for it but they did because they were wired for it now, the solution was for them to not look at it anymore at all... This isn't about masturbating but strictly about porn and how it changes our minds and how it affects people when they become addicted to it.

Anyway.. random tidbit, I hope things go well for you. This talk with your husband is really important, I don't know what kind of compromise you want from him but I hope he listens to you when you tell him how much this all really upsets you. If he's a caring guy he would approach this with an open mind and listen to you, not necessarily stop masturbating but at least being truthful to you... Goodluck!

[smoothy]

Why do you think its your inalienable right to walk all over someone else's rights in their own space and lives?

Seriously... I did see your last post but remember, YOUR personal space ends where anothers begins... and its might be something YOU enjoy that someone else might take exception to. Perspective that the world doesn't revolve around any one individual helps keep the focus here.

Remember... guys are visual... they like seeing naked women. Many of them... with that said... we can be and most cases ARE happy to be otherwise monogomous with a single woman, which is totally separate.

You can't dictate what he does on his own time any more than he has a right to dictate everything you can and can't do in yours. You are both adults, not children.

Put into perspective... looking at something is far... far different than doing it.

Are you willing to give up reading any women's books... or watching any movies or TV shows with actors you might find attractive?

Exactly how would that be any different?

Personally, I would have walked out on any woman who was that insecure, and overbearing. But I didn't marry a woman like that... I have been married 19 years now... wife knows I look and knows looking isn't chasing... she knows what I like, and in fact points them out to me if I miss them. Because she knows men look, she knows looking doesn't equal chasing... or catching. And my wife has no issue with me looking at porn when I feel like it... or how much I might feel like watching.

Conversely I don't dominate her life with what she can do or who she can talk to... because we both know we didn't marry each other for the tax benefits (thats a joke if it wasn't clear).

Incidentally... most of us don't care if you have some stretch marks... or a few wrinkles, or the boobs aren't as perky as they were when you weere 18.

MILF porn wouldn't be so popular if that's the case we only oogle after perfect models. MILF = Mothers I'd like to * (Its the F word, figure it out).

Most of us prefer real to silicone... perfection doesn't exist... be happy with being the best that you can be. He wouldn't still be with you if he didn't see something else in you beyond your looks.

[Cat1864]

Have you read your original post in this thread? If not, please do. If you have, please read it again as though you were a stranger and someone else posted it.

I think you are angry and scared. I think there is a whole undercurrent to your thoughts that you are either unaware of or deliberately ignoring.

IF this were just about your husband then what other men say and do wouldn't be mentioned. If you trusted your husband as much as you say you love him, then you wouldn't have written this:

I am so afraid that he will leave me one day, and looking at porn behind my back is the start!

You have several points in your post that show the anger toward men in general and your husband in particular. You mention staying home with sick children. What does that have to do with porn or where men put their penises. You talk about what you do for him as though you make ALL the sacrifices (the way you state things does not sound like working out a compromise) and expect him to make this one for you. That isn't a healthy outlook.

Self-control is also about controlling your own emotions and thoughts. Keeping control and understanding where the anger really stems from and knowing that you need help that you haven't gotten.

I don't know how old your children are, but I think you need to gain control over your own thoughts before you inadvertently teach them lessons about relationships and how they work that you don't mean to.

I don't know what he originally said about masturbation. I don't know if he said it because on some level he knew you were uncomfortable. I don't know if he believed it at the time, but has changed over the years. I do think that BOTH of you need to be open and honest about what is going on now. I think you need to understand that just because he isn't masturbating in front of you or waking you up to say 'mother, may I', it doesn't mean that he doesn't love and care about you or wants someone else.

[Enigma1999]

now i know, and am starting to accept the fact of the situation, so that's a start... i need to understand why, how can i get him to tell me.

I believe that you should stop making him feel ashamed about masturbating to porn. That would be a nice start.

Perhaps you should both sit down and you explain that you felt as if he lied to you and that you now understand that this is what he does, and that it is OK.

Make sure you stick to what you are saying to him. So that in the future, if you do "catch" him playing with himself, you don't hold it against him.

Liberty, I'm going to be honest here. I really believe that you may have blown things out of proportion. Your Husband does sound like an upstanding person and he is satisfying your needs in the bedroom. Watching porn is not wrong and masturbating is not either.

Again, he didn't cheat on you.

I think you should worry less about his masturbation and concentrate more on your past, with speaking to a counselor. You do have anger issues that is part of what has happened to you. Sorry.

I wish you the best of luck.

[liberty4497]

Thank you so much! I need him to open up, but how?

[QLP]

As a child I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused.

I'm not entirely comfortable about porn. Not because I feel it is competition but because I worry as to whether any of the participants are being exploited. I know there is some possibility they might be but I also acknowledge that the child within me who was exploited latches on to the idea.

This is MY problem and I own it. It doesn't give me the right to veto my husband's enjoyment of porn. It doesn't give me the right to monitor when he masturbates any more than he has the right to monitor when I do.

Nor does it give me a right to tarnish the whole male population with the same brush as my abusers. I know some lovely men and I know some men who are idiots. The same goes for women. If a man makes sexual advances I am quite capable of politely declining. I am not a slave to my husband and children.

I can feel this way because I owned my own pain and once you do that its power diminishes.

You are trying to control your husband as a way of keeping your pain and anger at bay. Please get help to confront those demons. When the pain loses its power over you the need to control will lessen.

The only valid complaint I can see against your husband is that he lied. Whether he did this to avoid hurting you or avoid arguments, or for some other reason I don't know. However, I do know the more controlling you act the more he is likely to feel backed into a corner and dishonesty can be one consequence of that.

Your post screams out that the past is still haunting you. Please get that counselling to be able to deal with this. If need be you and your husband can also go to counselling later to iron out any remaining difficulties. But you have to start with you. You are seeing your husband and all men through the eyes of a hurting victim. You CAN change this.

[liberty4497]

The only response I get from males is sexual, and all I am doing is minding my own business! It is nice when someone open's the door for you, but ooggling (not looking) is wrong! Enjoy the view, just don't undress it with your mind!

[Wondergirl]

To liberty: Did the abuse involve porn? You don't have to respond, but think about it. Were you forced to look at it or did your abuser look at it or were you the object of it?

[Wondergirl]

Enjoy the view, just don't undress it with your mind!

Part of "enjoying the view" IS undressing it in one's mind!

[liberty4497]

Wow!

[Wondergirl]

When I look at a photo of Michael Buble wearing a grey suit, I'm not imagining him wearing, instead, a navy blue suit.