[tommy12395]

I have been going out with a girl 6 months. When we met she had split with her ex 1 and a half years. They had been together for 5 years before that. At the start of our relationship she would talk about him almost every day until I finally asked her why. She explained it was because they had been together so long and most of her memory's of holidays etc had been with him. She said she wouldn't mention him again and she doesn't to me but I know she speaks to her friends and family about him. He is obviously on her mind a lot. Does she still have feelings for him or am I reading too much into it?

[Andrew916]

I think your reading a bit much into it. They were together for 5 years. That's a lot of time and a lot of memories, you can't just expect her to drop 5 years worth of memories from the radar like that. It seems to me that's all she really knew prior to you. She respected your wishes not to talk about him you can't keep her from never talking about someone who played such a large roll. You guys have been going out for 6 months, I suspect you would have concrete evidence by now if she really did still have feelings for him. If you guys stay together you'll have a whole host of new memories to look back and reflect on, you just got to build it up! Good luck!

-Drew

[Jake2008]

With all due respect to the above perspective, I think I would too, be a little concerned.

Five years is a long relationship, no doubt about it. Whatever broke them up eventually, will likely have faded into more good memories than bad. But sharing that long part of her life with you, would wear me thin after a while.

But, after one and a half years of breaking up with him, and she's still talking to friends and family about him, and she interjects him more than once in a blue moon when reciting a past event or holiday or what have you, is not, in my opinion, natural.

It is also disrespectful. If it had been her husband, and he had died, would she be one of those people who always start their stories and conversations with "Jack would have said", or "I remember when Jack and I did this" etc. It eventually becomes, in other words, more like the deceased is alive and well, involved in the active living of the surviving partner.

I'm not saying she is that extreme with you, but I would grow weary of continuous reference to an ex, any ex, no matter how long or how wonderful or not wonderful the relationship was. It's over, he's gone already.

I think you did the right thing in honestly telling her how you feel, and that she is not bringing him so much into your relationship with her now. You cannot control her conversations with others about the ex of course, but let's' hope that as your relationship with her grows stronger, she will need to rely less on the past with him, and more on the present and future, with you.

[kp2171]

First big love I had... we dated nearly 6 years. It took a long time to shake her out of my head... not that I wanted to still be with her after a time... but, as your girlfriend said... so many memories I had of understanding how to live and be were wrapped up in her. I found myself referencing experiences and events that wed had together when I was with a new girl. Not always out loud to her... but, again, I was understanding the present through my past. Its normal.

But living in the past isn't healthy. One thing to learn from it. Another to be stuck there.

I'm middle ground here.

You don't say if she's had other big relationships before him. You don't say her age. If she's young and she was the first big love, well, that might be her frame of reference for understanding relationships.

And if his shadow is too far reaching... all you can do is be up front and talk about it and/or step back if needed.

Understand this isn't you against him. You aren't competing with him. It isn't your job to shake him out of her mind.

Your job is to be true to you, and if you are a good fit for her and she for you, bonus.

If she is living too much in the past for you, its fine to step back. Perhaps she just isn't ready.

Sometimes we have to have some big losses before we change our ways. And maybe she isn't ready yet to place that relationship in the past. Don't know.

[talaniman]

Its only been 6 months, and I think you should be paying attention to each other, and learning more, but not at a point of worrying about the past, or habits you may not understand. It helps to keep the mind open and be observant, but why even worry if she talks about the ex to her friends, or not? That's where you let insecurity and fear, plant the seeds of doubt.

What was telling, and a good thing was you asking her why she talks of him so much, and the answer she gave you. She didn't seem to be running away from your question, or hiding anything. Open, honest, and willing to communicate is a great trait early in a relationship, and she made adjustments that work for you to boot. Keep your own feelings in a proper perspective, and enjoy getting to know more, and letting her learn more of you, by being as honest, and open as she appears to be.

Don't let her past shake your confidence, then you won't enjoy the learning experience that is part of the dating process.

[jmw0713]

I agree with the posts above. If she only mentions him every so often, you have nothing to worry about. Everyone has memories of the past and of the people they shared their lives with. If she constantly mention him ALL the time, every time you do things together, she may not be over him 100%. Just be confident in yourself and know that she is with you now. Communication and fun are the best ways to solve this situation.